by Parker, Lexy
“What’s going on?” Philip asked, coming in for the day and taking his usual seat across the desk.
“I was just on the phone with the shop that was supposed to be coming to pick up the truck,” I grumbled.
“Supposed to?” he asked. “I thought it was already scheduled.”
“I called and asked for the estimate before they came to pick it up. I wanted to make sure I could pay the bill. I didn’t want them holding it for ransom,” I grumbled.
He winced. “And?”
“And they are not coming to get the truck because they gave me an estimate I can’t afford. I can’t afford to fix the truck and I can’t afford not to have the truck running. I can’t afford to hire a driver, but I have to hire a driver in order to make the money I need to fix the broken fucking truck!” I snapped.
He held up a hand. “Woah. That’s a lot. I didn’t realize.”
“Yes, it is. I’m kind of fucked here, Philip. I’m over a barrel. I need to get the truck on the road in order to make money,” I groaned.
He looked thoughtful for a few seconds before a smile spread over his face. “I know someone who is pretty good with cars.”
“Really? Who? Would he cut me a better deal than what the shop is proposing? They’re trying to tell me they have to do all this other shit. I don’t need the thing rebuilt, which is what they seem to be proposing. I just need the alternator fixed. Why is that such a big ask?” I complained. “I’m not an idiot. I know they’re trying to take advantage of me, which really pisses me off.”
“Why don’t you ask Dani? She really is good with cars and an alternator is pretty straightforward. Maybe she’ll do it for you,” he suggested.
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a great idea,” I said with a grimace.
“Why not?” he scowled.
I looked away. I couldn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t think she’s all that happy with me. I don’t want to bother her.”
“What did you do?” he asked, leaning forward, his voice tight.
I looked up to meet his eyes. There was an accusatory look. I shook my head, holding up both hands. “I didn’t do anything terrible. Don’t look at me like that.”
“Clay, what happened? You haven’t mentioned how the date went and now you’re making me very worried. I don’t want to kick your ass, but I’m kind of obligated to do exactly that,” he said in a serious tone.
“The date went fine. You don’t need to kick my ass, not like you could, but you don’t need to try.”
“Bullshit, what happened?”
I leaned back, rubbing my hand over my jaw. “We had a nice dinner and went back to my place.”
Philip was watching me, scrutinizing my every feature before blowing out a long breath. “Wow. I don’t think I thought that would happen.”
“I’m not saying anything. You know I won’t talk about this with you or anyone else,” I said.
I wasn’t going to kiss and tell. I refused to talk about my sex life with Philip. He could assume, and he would be right, but I wasn’t going to discuss the details.
“I get it and good, I’m glad. I don’t want to know, but I can tell by your face it didn’t go well. I know you well enough to know you wouldn’t pressure her into doing anything, but what happened?” he asked again.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I really don’t. It was very mutual, and it wasn’t me,” I said, making sure he knew I didn’t pressure her.
“You know she’s probably a little freaked out because you’re the first man in her life since Gage,” he said gently.
I nodded. “I figured as much. I still feel like shit. I didn’t want her to feel guilty or bad.”
“Give it some time. I know what she’s going through. That guilt is a serious burden. I hated myself after the first time Jamie and I were together. I felt like I was betraying Tara and our vows. I knew I wasn’t, but that little part of me was telling me I had done the unthinkable.”
I let out a breath. “I should have waited. I should have convinced her we should wait.”
Philip smiled, relaxing a little. “I know Dani well enough to know you could have said all you wanted. She’s a determined woman. Don’t take it personally. Talk to her. You’re a good guy and I know you will carry this guilt around and you shouldn’t have to. You guys haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Thanks. I’ll try calling her later,” I agreed.
“Do it. I’m serious. This broken-down truck could be the exact thing you need to come together. She’ll be happy to help. It’ll give you guys something to talk about. Maybe things got a little rushed, but you’ve both been alone a long time. Trust me, I know that feeling well and when there is a connection, there’s no denying it,” he said, speaking from experience.
“Okay. I’ll do it. Here’s your sheet for the day. I’ll take the rest and gee, it looks like there’s a delivery to be made to the vet clinic,” I said with a laugh.
“Good luck. Go easy. If I were you, I wouldn’t bring up the other night. Let it ride until she’s ready to talk about it,” he advised.
“Did she say anything to Jamie?” I asked.
“Not that I’ve heard, but she doesn’t tell me everything,” he asserted.
“Really? That’s what you’re sticking to? You guys share the same brain,” I teased.
He chuckled, clearly very happy with his relationship. “I’m serious. Jamie has said nothing to me. I haven’t asked. She and Dani have their secrets and I’m okay with that.”
“Okay. I’m going. You better get moving, you’ve got a long list today as well,” I told him.
We both got to our feet. I turned off the lights, grabbed my phone and headed for the back area to load up the boxes. We both left. I was going to take his advice. I didn’t want to put her on the spot. I didn’t want to make her feel like she owed me an explanation. She didn’t. I trusted Philip when he told me what I should do. He’d been in her shoes. There was no better person to take advice from.
I drove to the vet clinic, hoping she had a few minutes. In the back of my mind I feared she would see me and run the opposite direction, much like she had after what I had thought was amazing sex. I was still regretting my decision to take her right there on my kitchen counter. Maybe she felt like I had disrespected her. That had not been my intention. Everything had happened so fast and I could admit I didn’t dare take her to my bed for fear she would change her mind. I didn’t want to burst the little bubble we had created in the heat of the moment.
I rang the buzzer for the back door. It was before business hours but I saw her car in the back lot and knew she was there.
“Hi,” she said pushing the door open.
She was smiling. That had to be a good sign. “Hi.”
“Are you driving again today?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yes. Do you have a minute?”
She looked uncomfortable. “Um,” she started, and I knew she was looking for an excuse to avoid the other topic.
“I wanted to talk to you about the truck, nothing else,” I quickly interjected.
“Oh, yeah, sure, what’s up?” she asked, stepping outside.
“I was supposed to have it fixed at a shop, but they gave me the estimate this morning, and it is very exorbitant. You said it needed the alternator replaced and some of the belts, right?” I asked.
She nodded. “That I could see. It’s in rough shape, but I don’t think it’s all bad. New belts and a minor tune-up and it will run another fifty thousand miles I would guess.”
“I hate to ask this and I feel completely emasculated, but if I paid you to do it, would you?” I asked, feeling completely incapable.
She grinned. “You really have no need to feel emasculated,” she said in a husky voice.
I loved that she was bolstering my manhood. “Thank you.”
“As for the truck, I’ll do it for free. You can buy dinner,” she said with a wink.
“I would love to buy you dinner. Are you sure
I can’t pay you for your time?”
“No, you cannot. We’re friends, right? I mean, we kind of have to be after the other night,” she said, flirting a bit.
I was relieved she was talking about it, but she was taking a very lighthearted approach. “About the other night,” I started.
She shook her head. “No. Not here,” she said.
I nodded. “Got it. I understand.”
“I’m off tomorrow afternoon. I can come by then. Is it at your shop?”
“Yes. I have some tools and stuff there. I used to have a part-time mechanic and have the setup for the repairs, I think,” I mumbled, really not knowing for sure.
“That works. I have tools as well.”
I grinned, a fantasy I had never thought I would ever have popping into my head. “Do you have a toolbelt?”
She rolled her eyes. “I work on cars. I’m not a carpenter.”
“That’s too bad. What about cut-off Daisy Dukes?” I asked, waggling my eyebrows.
“Do you want me to fix your truck or do you want a bad porno?” she asked dryly.
I pretended to think about it. “Any chance I can have both?”
“Go away. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said with a laugh.
I waved and walked away. I was feeling a lot better about everything. She seemed fine and I hoped that meant we were in a good place. I wouldn’t pressure her for sex or anything else. I promised myself I would fight her off with a stick if she tried to kiss me again. Maybe not that extreme. A little kiss would be okay. I would kiss her and then I would fight her off if she tried to strip me again.
I got back into the truck and headed out to do my other deliveries. The day was definitely shaping up. I should have talked to Philip earlier. It could have saved me a lot of frustration and worry.
Chapter 20
Dani
I was feeling buoyed after my little encounter with Clay. Now that I knew what was hidden under that boring polo and the loose-fitting jeans, I was far more attracted to him. He was a sexy man. I had thought he was good looking before, but after having his touch and feeling his lips on mine, I was absolutely drawn to him. I liked that I knew his little secret. His secret being he was a bit of a god when naked.
That attraction had not helped assuage my guilt in any way, shape or form. I had spent the weekend scrubbing my house top to bottom. I found myself reliving the kitchen counter encounter. I thought about the way he’d felt inside me and the way his lips felt against mine. Every time I thought about the sex, I would grow wet and experience little jolts of excitement. That only led to more brisk cleaning, as if I could scrub away the erotic thoughts.
The cleaning was cathartic. It was really my way of trying to scrub away the guilt I felt clinging to me. I dusted the pictures and the little things Gage had given me over the years. I let myself walk down memory lane with each photo and every touch. I missed him. My God how I missed him. I would have given everything I owned to have him back, even for just one more year. I would spend every minute kissing him, talking to him, being with him completely. I wouldn’t allow myself to be distracted by work, TV or anything else. I couldn’t have that time back. I knew it, but it didn’t stop me from wishing for it.
Kasey walked into the room I was cleaning, a bright smile on her face. “Hey!” she greeted me.
“Hi there. You look happy this morning,” I commented, taking in her bright eyes. She looked like she’d gotten a little sun over the weekend. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were red. She was young and so full of life.
She shrugged a shoulder. “I got to spend a lot of time with Jason. That always makes me feel happy. We had a picnic in the park and took a long, very private walk,” she said with a wink.
“That is very cute,” I said, a little jealous.
“I’m sorry,” she said, looking horrified.
“Don’t be. I’m not against love. In fact, I actually had a date this weekend,” I said.
Her eyes went wide. “What? For real? How did it go?”
I hadn’t talked to Jamie about it. She had texted a few times asking for details. I had kept it vague and told her it had gone fine. I couldn’t bring myself to admit to what I did.
“It went okay. He’s a really good guy and I think he could be someone I really like hanging out with, but I don’t think I can,” I confessed.
“What? Why not? You didn’t get along?”
I smiled. “We got along very well.”
“Then what’s the problem? Does he have a bad habit that drives you crazy? Because those annoying little habits can become endearing with time.”
I laughed, shaking my head. “No, nothing like that. I just, I don’t know.”
She looked at me, her head tilting to the side a little. “You don’t know?” she asked softly.
“I feel like I’m cheating on my husband,” I blurted out.
“Your husband is gone. I know that sounds terribly harsh, but he isn’t coming back. It isn’t like he’s deployed and you’re waiting for him to come home. I don’t think it can be called cheating if he is gone, like really, really gone,” she said, her tone gentling the harsh words.
I sighed. “I know that, like my mind knows that. Jamie tells me the same thing. It’s my heart that doesn’t know that. My heart keeps telling me I’m cheating on him.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that is. I think your heart must be given the harsh truth,” she said with a smile.
“My heart is stubborn. I spent all weekend thinking about the good times with my husband. Then I would think about how alone I had been throughout most of our relationship. We really got to spend almost no time together. We didn’t get to make as many memories as we should have. You said you thought I had it together. I don’t. I don’t have it together. I’m a mess,” I told her.
“Dani, you are the furthest thing from a mess. You have a good heart and your heart is with your husband, but don’t you think you have room for another?” she asked.
“I want to say I do, but I don’t want to cheat on Clay by thinking about Gage. Do you know what I mean?”
She nodded. “I think so. Clay knows you were married, right?”
“Yes. We haven’t talked a lot about it, but he knows.”
“Okay, I’m young and I know nothing about nothing, but here’s what I think you should do.”
I winced. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“I think you should talk to him about it. Tell him how you’re feeling. Tell him you’re interested but there might be some hang-ups. I think you should give him the option of riding it out through the hard times or bailing now. Let him decide if he is ready for what might be a bit of a crowded relationship in the beginning,” she advised.
“That’s bad, huh?” I asked, wrinkling up my nose.
“I don’t think it’s bad at all. If he’s a good guy, like you say, then you should talk to him. I don’t think it’s fair to him to hold back your heart if you’re not ready to give it.”
I burst into laughter. “Oh my God, you really are a mini me.”
“What does that mean?”
“My friend Jamie, I gave her the same advice. Her husband had lost his wife and was basically in my same boat. I told her she deserved his whole heart. You’re telling me I owe Clay that same thing and you’re right,” I told her.
She was grinning. “I like being right.”
“You’re a pretty wise girl for your very limited years on this earth,” I said with a laugh.
“In all honesty, I think you need to ask yourself what your late husband would want for you. I know I would hate to lose Jason and I would hate to die, but if I did, I wouldn’t want him to spend the rest of his life alone. I want him to have someone to take care of him. I want him to have someone to love him and for him to love. Love is important. What’s life without love?” she asked.
“Is that a song?” I quipped.
“I don’t know, it probably is, but seriously. If it had been you
that died and left Gage, what would you want for him?” she said.
“I would kick his ass if he hooked up with another woman,” I teased.
She laughed. “I doubt that.”
“Honestly, I get what you’re saying. I wouldn’t want him to be sad and miss out on all the little things in life that brought him joy. I’ve tried to live that life, the life I know he wanted me to have, but it is so damn hard,” I said, the words inadequate to describe how it felt.
“You are a strong lady. It takes courage to love again. It takes a lot of trust to want to put yourself out there again. You’re putting your heart on the line and it isn’t going to be easy.”
I shook my head, staring at her with awe. “You’re amazing. Thank you so much for talking to me. I’ve been feeling pretty bad all weekend. I guess all I needed was you.”
“Thank you, that makes me feel pretty good. I’m glad I could help you. Who is this man that has you at least thinking about love?” she questioned.
I smiled, feeling a little shy. “Remember the delivery guy? The guy with the truck broken down in the lot?”
Her eyes went wide. “Yes. Him? He’s cute!”
I giggled. “Yes, he is, but I think he’s very handsome and mature and manly. When I’m with him, I feel like a grown up. Does that make sense?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel pretty adult when I’m with Jason.”
I laughed, a little embarrassed. “It’s different. I mean, I was with Gage from the time we were seventeen and girl, I have to tell you, a seventeen-year-old’s body, even a twenty-five-year-old’s body, is not the same as a thirty-something body. There’s a certain hard, weathered, sexy thing. I really can’t explain it, but I like it. I think that’s what is making me feel even guiltier.”
