I’m stepping it up. I’m not going to disappoint her again. And it’s surprising how much disappointing her disappoints me. I can do better. I know I can.
For the first time in a while, I pull into the grocery store parking lot. I’m making Lauren dinner tonight. I just don’t know what to make. I text Colin as I walk into the supermarket.
What’s your sister’s favorite food?
I should know this. She’s the mother of my child, for fuck’s sake. It takes until I’m pushing a cart down an aisle of vegetables to get a reply from Colin.
Which sister?
I roll my eyes at the screen. He’s being an ass on purpose.
The one I slept with. So your guess is as good as mine.
He responds right away. Not cool, dude. It’s bad enough you actually did sleep with one. Lauren likes cheese.
What can you make with cheese? Grilled cheese? I’d hope for something a bit … more … for tonight though. Fuck. I rarely got home cooked meals. Actually, ninety percent of any home-cooked, legit healthy meal I ate came from the Winters’ house. No wonder Lauren is a good cook. She grew up like that.
And I want our kid to grow up like that too. Family dinners, all seated together and eating something that didn’t come from a paper bag. My own mother was a fan of fast food, and then “fend for yourself” once I got old enough to drive.
It’s not like she was a horrible mother, just an absent one. She took it hard when my dad left. She had to pick up the pieces of life, deal with the hell I raised, and still work to provide for us. She worked the evening shift as a nurse at a nursing home, and was gone by the time I got home from school and asleep when I left in the morning.
My mother was a hard worker—still is—but she put work first. I think it was her way of dealing with the divorce, of dealing with being cheated on and left with a child she didn’t know how to raise.
But it was her dedication to work over me that caused me to drift away, and caused things to be awkward between us. She didn’t want to be around me. I look like my father, after all. It hurt as a kid, but I’m over it now. She didn’t try, and I sure as hell didn’t either.
And it’s not like I hate my mother. We’re just not close. We talk on the phone on the important holidays. Once I graduated high school, she moved an hour away, saying she needed a fresh start. She never got over the divorce. Her untreated depression was almost contagious, and being around her brought me down, which is why I haven’t told her she’s going to be a grandma yet.
I know I need to. Even Lauren has been pestering me to. Ah, fuck. No better time as the present, right?
I pull up her number and press “call.” Then I wonder if this is a good thing to talk about at the grocery store. Meh, I never did give a fuck about anyone else’s opinion.
“Hey, Mom,” I say when she answers.
“Noah. Is everything all right?”
“It is.” I can’t blame her. I never call. “I got some exciting news. You’re going to be a grandma.”
There’s a minute of stunned silence. “You got a girl pregnant?”
“My girlfriend,” I say so it sounds like this wasn’t just some random hookup. It started that way, but it’s not ending that way.
“It was only a matter of time,” she replies. “I’m honestly surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”
I close my eyes in a long blink, trying to stay calm. “You, uh, might remember her. It’s Colin’s sister, Lauren.”
“Your friend Colin? You’re dating his sister? And he’s okay with that?”
“Uh, kind of.”
“How far along is she? Is everything going okay? Are you two living together? You were single at Christmas.”
“She’s four months, everything is fine, and we’re not living together yet.”
“This wasn’t planned, was it? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“No, it wasn’t. We’re working it out though. She’s excited.”
“What about her family? I remember them being a bit uptight.”
Strange how I take almost immediate offense to that. “It was a surprises for everyone. But now they’re happy. Excited for a baby due around the holidays.” I grab random produce and toss it in the cart. I make my way down the aisles, grabbing things that look good but having no idea what I can actually make with half these ingredients.
“Can I come over and meet her?” Mom asks.
“Yeah, of course. When do you want to?”
“I’m free this weekend.”
“Ah, shit.”
“Watch your mouth, Noah.” Absent or not, that woman is my mother.
“Sorry. I have a photoshoot this weekend. I’ll be out of town.”
“I work next weekend, but the one after that I don’t.”
I take a mental note. “Yeah, come over then. Just call me first or something so we know to be home.”
“Are you still in the same apartment?”
“Yep.”
“Take care, see you in a while.”
I end the call, dread building inside, and I can’t figure out why until I’m putting groceries away at my own place. My life growing up was dysfunctional. Absent mother, no father … I’m worried that if Lauren is reminded of that, her faith in me will go out the window.
“I’m not going to have to break up any fights, am I?” Justin asks, eyeing Colin and me.
“Nah,” I say, grabbing a beer and sinking onto the couch. We’re over at Colin’s for a video game party. “We’re cool.”
Colin nods. “As long as he doesn’t fuck up. Again.”
Justin laughs. “It’s been, what, four months now and it’s still so weird to me.” His eyes go to me. “You fucked Colin’s sister and you’re going to be a dad.”
“Shut up.” I shake my head and turn on the PlayStation. Justin’s been a mutual friend since college and has enjoyed every minute of heckling Colin and me about this. Though he hasn’t had many chances to be an ass to both of us at the same time. Colin might have handled the news better than I thought, but things didn’t go back to normal until recently. And it’s a new normal. There’s judgement in my best friend’s eyes for the first time. And I get it: torn between your sister and your best friend. It’s not a comfortable place to be. He shares the same doubts as the rest of the Winters family, that I’m going to fuck this up and hurt Lauren and abandon my child.
If he knew how much Lauren meant to me, he’d have no reason to worry, or he’d get pissed I’d been crushing on his little sister way back when.
“And you two are together now. Things are going good?” Justin asks me.
“They are,” I say, deciding less is more right now, though they are. A month has passed since Lauren and I made things official, and I’ve never been happier. I spend most nights at her house, and I want to spend all my spare time with her. It’s finally feeling like we’re together because we want to be, not because we have to in order to raise our child. It’s crazy when I think about it, and almost scares me that something bad is going to happen to mess this up.
And that thing is me.
Justin laughs. “So you’re fucking Colin’s sister on a regular basis now.”
“You’re such a shithead,” Colin mumbles.
“Really though,” Justin says. “Things are good with the pregnancy?”
“Doctor says everything is perfect and it’s been pretty easy on Lauren.”
“That’s good. June had a rough pregnancy. Like bad enough to make us think twice about having another.”
“Ah, yeah, I remember,” I tell him, thinking back two years to when Justin and his wife had their baby girl. Seems like so long ago.
“We find out what we’re having tomorrow,” I say and trade my beer for a PlayStation controller. “I’m pretty excited.”
“Yeah, that’s a fun part. June did the whole lame gender reveal party thing. I wasn’t even allowed to know what we were having until she opened the box with pink balloons.”
&nbs
p; “Lauren wants to do that too.” I thought it was lame at first, and totally pointless, but now that Lauren’s parents are 100% on board with having a grandchild, celebrating this milestone makes sense. Plus, Lauren seemed excited for a reason to eat cake.
“You wanna watch the birth?”
“I think so. I might stay by Lauren and hold her hand or something instead.”
“You’ll want to watch,” Justin says. “I didn’t think I’d want to, but I’m glad I did. Seeing your kid come into the world isn’t something you want to miss.”
A door slams and Jenny hurries up the stairs. Ah, fuck. I remember what Lauren said about hurting Jenny’s feelings. I don’t know what if feels like to long for a child and not be able to have it, but if it’s anything like longing for a lover you think you’ll will never love you back, it fucking sucks.
I don’t want to do that to anyone, let alone my best buddy’s wife.
Chapter 17
LAUREN
I SIT BACK on the hard foam bed and pull my shirt up. The room is warm, probably since most women get some sort of naked in here. Right now it feels hot. Like boiling hot that makes me want to puke. I close my eyes and lean back, resting my head on the pillow that’s covered with a paper case.
Noah stands next to me and takes my hand. He’s more excited than nervous. Like I should be. But, being Worst Case Scenario Girl, I spent too many hours Googling birth defects found during a mid-pregnancy scan.
“Relax,” he says softly when the ultrasound tech turns the overhead light off. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze.
“This is so exciting!” my mom exclaims. She’s sitting in a chair near the foot of the foam bed, already staring at the large TV screen mounted on the wall in front of us.
“Remember I’m booting you out at the end,” I tell her with a smile. I turn to the tech, making sure she knows—again. I already said something when we first came in the room. “We don’t want anyone to know the sex yet. Just us.”
“I’ll keep it secret.” The ultrasound tech gives me a wink. She’s nice and patient with me, thank God. She fires up the machines, tucks a large paper towel into the top of my pants, and smears gel over my stomach. Laying flat, I don’t look very pregnant. But at twenty-two weeks, there’s definitely something there when I stand. Or sit. And especially after I eat.
She puts the transducer to my stomach and I squeeze Noah’s hand. A slew of things that are incredibly unlikely to happen go through my head, with the worst being finding no heartbeat and the soft movements I’ve been feeling are really just gas.
Right away, I can see our baby. And it looks like a baby this time, not a blob with a heartbeat. The head is big and round, and the cutest little legs in the entire world are kicking about.
“Can you feel that?” the tech asks.
“I think so,” I say, getting choked up when I know for sure that fluttering feeling is my baby.
Noah squeezes my hand again, leaning forward. His blue eyes are wide and he’s smiling.
“Oh my God!” Mom puts her hands to her face, blinking back tears. At least I’m not the only one getting emotional. “That’s my grandbaby!”
I can’t stop smiling, and I can’t stop the tears from pooling in my eyes. Seeing our baby alive and healthy and having my mom just as excited is almost too much for this pregnant lady to handle. Noah keeps a steady hold of my hand, asking more questions than me, making sure everything is measuring all right.
It is. The tech says things look perfect. We’re meeting with the doctor after this, who can go into more detail.
“All right, Grandma,” the tech says and turns to my mom. “It’s time for you to step out.”
Mom stands, taking one more look at real-time images of our baby on the TV screen. “You know I’m good at keeping secrets.”
“You are not,” I laugh. “And you’ll find out soon enough.”
Mom gives me a pouty smile, then comes over to the head of the bed and gives me a kiss on the cheek. She hugs Noah goodbye and leaves. Noah widens his eyes and looks at me; Mom has never hugged him before. Seeing the baby affected her more than we thought.
“She’s probably standing outside the door,” Noah jokes.
That is something she would do. I laugh and shake my head, nerves bubbling in my stomach.
“Are you ready?” the tech asks.
I flick my eyes to Noah’s. He takes my hand again and nods.
“I already know what it is,” the tech goes on. “But your baby is showing off right now.” She moves the transducer around on my stomach, pressing down a bit. It’s pretty uncomfortable, really, but I don’t care. The tech takes a picture of our baby’s butt, presses a button, and the screen turns pink.
“It’s a girl!”
I stare at the screen in disbelief. I’m smiling and tears leak from the corners of my eyes. “We’re having a girl,” I whisper.
“Ella.” Noah’s voice is soft. The tech switches back to live feed, and we watch our daughter move around.
Holy shit. Our daughter. I cannot stop smiling, and I’m already thinking about how to decorate the nursery.
The tech takes a few more measurements, prints us several pictures to take home, and tells us congrats. We see the doctor after that, and she confirms that everything looks perfect. We leave elated.
“I told you it was a girl,” Noah says once we’re in his Charger. “And you said I shouldn’t buy girl shit.”
“I never said it wasn’t. Are you happy, or did you want a boy?”
“Honestly,” he starts and fires up the engine. “I wanted a girl. I feel like if I had a boy, he’d be a little shit like I was.”
I laugh. “Let’s hope this kid gets my karma.”
“Is your mom coming?” Colin asks Noah. It’s a question that wasn’t meant to be overheard. I already know that Noah invited his mom and she canceled at the last minute.
“Nah, she’s not into things like this.” Noah brushes it off, but I wonder if it bothers him. I had that talk with Colin, and learned that Noah’s mother wasn’t necessarily a bad mom, just uninvolved. Colin said she was rarely home and seemed to care more about her job as a nurse than anything else.
No wonder Noah got in so much trouble as a youth, and that it carried over into adulthood. Though I can’t say that now. We’re standing here like proud parents, in the kitchen of my mom and dad’s house, waiting for Katie and Wes to get here so we can cut into a pink and blue cake and reveal that we are having a girl.
We almost didn’t get the cake. The lady behind the counter at the bakery took a very obvious look at my left hand when I ordered the cake after the ultrasound yesterday. Her eyes went from the non-ring on my finger, to my belly, to Noah, judgement growing with each second. It pissed Noah off and he was ready to leave and order a cake elsewhere.
He really doesn’t like people upsetting me. I don’t understand why strangers have to be such assholes. For all she knew we were getting our rings cleaned, didn’t wear them, or followed a religion that didn’t see the symbolism of wedding bands.
Stupid baker.
Noah kept his mouth shut for my sake. Not a lot of places can squeeze in a custom cake with just hours of notice. And whatever. It is what it is. No, we’re not married and we won’t be getting married until after the baby is born. Well, if we end up married at all. People are going to judge and I can let it get to me or I can not give a shit. I opt for the latter, even though it’s hard. So fucking hard.
“Finally!” my mom says when Katie walks through the door. “I was about ready to have her cut the cake without you!”
“I would never do that,” I promise Katie when she comes in the kitchen. She gives me a hug.
“You look cute today.”
“Thanks. My sundresses still fit and are pretty comfortable, actually.” It’s nearing the end of July and is hot as hell. I don’t tolerate heat very well, and having a tiny person inside of me just makes it worse. I never knew how much I’d love these dresses. “Y
ou do too, of course.”
“Thanks. And my guess is a girl. You know I don’t wear pink.”
Just for fun, everyone dressed in either blue or pink to cast a vote as to what they thought we were having. Katie looks stylish in a white and blue halter dress and blue heels. Perks of owning your own clothing store, right? The majority of the votes are for a boy, which makes me happy that I’ll be able to surprise everyone. Dad still insists it’s a girl, and he told me Mom is secretly hoping for a granddaughter to play dress up with.
Jenny wore a green shirt and jeans. She said she couldn’t make up her mind. We haven’t spoken much since our talk in my living room. It just struck me when I saw her today that we really haven’t seen each other or spoken since that day. I’ve been spending more and more time with Noah and less time with my sisters, but when I actually think about it, it feels like she’s avoiding me.
And that makes me sad. Sad that it hurts her to see my belly growing and sad that I’m halfway through a pregnancy and she still doesn’t have her own little baby growing inside of her. I only know they are still trying because Colin told Noah, who told me.
“Can we eat now?” Colin asks, though we’ve all been snacking.
“No, no.” Mom grabs her camera. “Let’s do the cake first!”
“She’s been going crazy all day,” my dad says. “Your grandmother too.”
Nana, as I still call her, smiles guilty. She’s my mom’s mom and has been supportive since we told her. Well, once the shock wore off, that is. “It’s my first great grandchild,” she explains. “What else do you expect?”
Noah nudges me. “Let’s do it now.”
I smile, then feel a bit of embarrassment. I hate being the center of attention no matter the reason. “Okay.”
“Ready, baby?” he whispers.
I nod and pick up the knife, having to go extra slow so my mom can snap pictures. I’m smiling again as I slice through the cake, making two careful cuts. Noah gets a plate for me to put the piece of cake on, then holds it up for everyone to see.
[2016] First Comes Love Page 14
