by R. L. Ullman
Monster Problems 2
Down for the Count
By
R.L. Ullman
BLIND AS A BAT
“Come on, Brampire!” comes a voice from behind me.
Based on the nasally tone, it sounded like Rage.
“You’ve got this!” comes another voice.
That’s definitely Aura.
“If you lose, you’re a moron!”
And there’s good old InvisiBill.
Well, I guess people have different ideas of what they consider motivating. But it doesn’t really matter what they say because I’ve got all the self-motivation I need. After all, my entire team is counting on me not to blow it.
I look across the gym at my opponent, a bubbling mass of kid-flesh codenamed Blobby. His real name is Bobby Rotunda, and he’s essentially a blob—a boneless, amorphous pile of goop categorized as an ‘abnormal,’ also known as a one-of-a-kind monster.
He easily weighs over a thousand pounds and is best known for gobbling up everything and anything in sight, which could include me if I’m not careful. At the moment, he’s cheating ever-so-slightly, rolling inch-after-inch of his skin over the starting line.
I guess I could complain but I’m not too worried about it. I mean, I’m pretty confident I could dust him in anything other than a hot dog eating contest. But maybe I’m feeling too confident. After all, this isn’t exactly a normal kind of competition.
Nope. It’s a monster competition.
More specifically, it’s the 42nd annual Monster Cup.
Apparently, the Monster Cup is a pretty big deal here at the Van Helsing Academy. It’s a two-week competition pitting different sections of the academy against one another in a variety of events like races, quizzes and other spooky shenanigans. Whatever team tallies the most points at the end wins the Monster Cup—a big silver trophy with a tiny skull on top that you can display proudly on your dorm room floor.
Aura has been talking about it nonstop for weeks. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as competitive as she is. According to her, losing is not an option. So, she’s woken us up early every morning before class to grill us on monster trivia and put us through grueling exercise drills. And if you thought getting up at dawn was painful, try standing next to Hairball before he’s showered.
G.R.O.S.S.
Anyway, I had hoped the hard work would pay off, but we’re currently trailing the Howlers 3-2 in our very first event! But I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised because the Howlers are older than us and have way more experience using their Supernatural powers. There’s Blobby, my current opponent, but they also have Harpoon, a green-skinned harpy with wings, Putrid Pete, a decaying mummy, MinoTodd, who is half-minotaur, half-kid, Lucky, a goth guy with a cursed amulet, and Gnatalie, a teeny-tiny girl with big, buggy eyes.
I hate to admit it, but after watching the Howlers in action I have to say they’re pretty impressive. But it’s not like I can go over and shake their hands, or whatever appendage they offer me. First of all, my fellow Monstrosities would kill me. And second, bragging rights are on the line.
The smack talk between sections has been intense, and if we end up losing this round, the Howlers will tease us like crazy. Fortunately, Aura and Hairball won their heats to keep us in the game. But now it’s up to me.
No pressure, right?
I have to win for us to save face and walk out here with at least a tie. And right now, my face, as well as the rest of my body, is shaped like a bat.
I flap my wings, hovering unsteadily behind the starting line. Let’s just say that being a bat is something I’m still getting used to. Even though I’ve practiced a lot, I’m no expert—not by a long shot. And I’ve noticed I’m developing some really ‘bat’ habits in my human form, like the urge to hang upside down and just chill.
“Mr. Murray!” Professor Hexum barks. “Focus!”
I snap back to reality.
Looking down, I see Hexum’s green eyes glaring back up at me. His eyebrows are furrowed and he’s leaning forward on his walking stick, gripping it so tightly his knuckles are white. He’s clearly not happy with me.
Surprise, surprise.
Ever since I came to the Van Helsing Academy, Hexum has been a major thorn in my side. He claims he’s doing it to make me stronger, but I’m finding that increasingly hard to believe. In fact, torturing me seems to be his favorite pastime. Like now, for instance. For some reason, he’s forcing me to compete only as a bat while everyone else got to compete in any way they wanted.
It's just not fair.
“Attention racers!” Hexum calls out. “When I say ‘go,’ a Supernatural object will appear in the center of the gymnasium floor. The first one to bring it back to their side—by whatever means necessary—wins.”
Um, what? Did he just say, ‘by whatever means necessary?’ He didn’t say that for the other races.
Suddenly, there’s a deep RUMBLE and I realize Blobby is actually laughing. You know, there’s something really disturbing about a mountain of giggling flesh.
“You’ve got this, Bram!” Aura yells.
That’s funny, I thought I did too. Right up until now.
“Ready!” Hexum calls out, raising his walking stick into the air. “Set. Go!”
Suddenly, a long, pointed piece of wood appears in the center of the gym floor and I do a double take. Um, is that what I think it is? Because it sort of looks like a—
“Grab the stake, Bram!” Rage yells.
That is a stake! Like, a stake used to destroy vampires! And the last time I checked, I’m still a vampire. So, why would Hexum ask me to retrieve a—
“Less gawking and more flapping!” Aura yells.
Huh? Well, she’s right about that. If I just hang here, we’re guaranteed to lose. But I might be too late anyway because despite Blobby’s lack of legs, he’s inching closer to the target!
I’ve got to move!
I figure my best bet is to just swoop down before Blobby gets there and pick up the stake with my feet. It sounds easy enough, but there’s just one problem. I’m not so great at the ‘swooping’ part.
In fact, I’d say my flying skills are downright shaky.
Nevertheless, I have no choice but to go for it, so I angle my body towards the stake, and take off, flapping with all of my might. Within seconds I’m there, but so is Blobby, and he’s completely covered the stake with his body, forming an enormous skin-shield.
I try slowing down, but apparently bats don’t come with brakes! My head pushes into Blobby’s sweaty flesh like I’ve jumped onto a trampoline, and then it recoils, slinging me skyward!
“I can’t watch,” I hear Rage say.
“Are you kidding?” InvisiBill says, “This is epic!”
Oh, when I get my fangs in that dufus…
I flap like crazy until I manage to right myself, and then I double back for another try. Except this time the stake is gone! Since Blobby is heading back to his side of the gym, he must be carrying the stake somewhere beneath his undulating body!
If he crosses the finish line, we’ll lose!
I can’t let that happen, but how can I stop him?
I mean, I’m just a bat.
And then it hits me.
I’m a bat!
That means I can do everything a bat can do—and that includes ‘seeing’ using sound. One of the more unique things about being a bat is being able to use sonic radar. When I’m flying (or at least, trying to fly) I can make high-frequency sounds that echo off of objects, allowing me to detect things I couldn’t see as a regular human being, including the range, size and shape of a target object.
/> Time for some radar love!
I sweep around Blobby and project sound waves all around him. Most of them hit his body and ping back, but some hit nothing—and bingo—I’ve found my opening!
Since Blobby is gelatinous, he’s moving by using the folds of his skin to push himself along the ground. So that means at any given time, some parts of him aren’t in contact with the floor. If I can slide into one of those pockets, maybe I can reach the stake and grab it from him.
I just need to time this right.
I hover at ground level, waiting for my chance, and when a large fold lifts up, I act.
“Bram?” I hear Aura call out. “What are you—?”
But I don’t wait for her to finish her sentence, because I dart beneath Blobby into a pocket of air. It’s snug in here, and ugh, everything smells like armpit, but I’ve got a job to do!
Then, I locate my target.
Blobby has the stake beneath him alright, but it’s wrapped in a ball of his flesh.
Nasty.
But I can’t worry about that now. I just need to grab the stake and get out before my pocket closes. I spin around and latch onto an exposed part of the wood with my feet and attempt to fly out, but Blobby is holding it so tightly I can’t pull away!
Then, I feel pressure all around my body. Blobby’s skin is closing in on me! My left wing smushes against my body and suddenly I can’t fly! Then, my feet slip off the stake! Hexum said to win by any means necessary and Blobby is taking him up on it!
He's trying to crush me!
I look up to see a wall of flesh closing in around my head. I’ve got to get out of here! I don’t care what Hexum said about only competing as a bat!
I muster all of my concentration into one thought.
Be… a mist!
Suddenly, my limbs feel all tingly, and then my body is lighter than air. But as my molecules disperse, I realize I couldn’t hold the stake in this form even if I wanted to, so there’s no point staying trapped in here. Instead, I focus on pushing my molecules outward, squeezing through the microscopic gaps in Blobby’s suffocating mass.
And then, I’m free!
I collect my molecules in the center of the gym floor and focus on becoming a kid again. As I rematerialize on my stomach, covered in flop sweat and breathing heavily, I can only watch as Blobby rumbles across his starting line and the Howlers jump for joy.
We lost. And it’s all my fault.
Suddenly, I feel someone standing behind me. It’s probably one of my teammates coming over to cheer me up. But when I roll over, all I see is Hexum.
“Your team is disqualified,” Hexum says.
“What?” I say, confused. “Why?”
“I gave you strict instructions to compete as a bat,” Hexum says. “And you violated those instructions.”
“What are you talking about?” I say. “You said to win by whatever means necessary. If I stayed a bat, he would have pulverized me.”
“Your instructions were to compete as a bat,” Hexum says, scribbling on his pad. “And you could have won by whatever means were necessary—as a bat. The Monstrosities are disqualified from the tournament. Your entire team is eliminated from the Monster Cup.”
“What?” Aura says, floating over. “But that’s ridiculous! Bram was almost killed!”
“Was he?” Hexum says. “He seems fine to me. But I suppose you can view his survival as one positive outcome of your team’s disqualification.”
“Hardly,” InvisiBill says.
“Shut it,” Aura says. “This isn’t fair. Not to mention that you made his Supernatural object a stake. We all know that stakes kill vampires. What was that about?”
“I would call it an unfortunate coincidence,” Hexum says. “The Supernatural objects used in this competition are… randomly generated.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Sure they are.”
“Congratulations, Howlers,” Hexum says, exiting the gym. “You are moving on. The Monstrosities, however, will now have plenty of time for extra homework.”
“This is so unfair,” Rage says, crossing his arms.
“Nice try, Monstrosities!” Harpoon calls out as the Howlers leave the gym, giving each other high fives. “But don’t feel bad you lost to us, because we’re going to win the Monster Cup!”
“I’m sorry, guys,” I say, turning to my team. But as I look around, I realize no one is looking back at me. Instead, they’re all staring at their shoes. “I didn’t try to break the rules.”
“Well, that’s what you did,” InvisiBill says.
“Yeah,” Hairball says. “Thanks for nothing.”
As the two of them leave, I look over at Stanphibian who shakes his fishbowl-covered head and gives me two webbed thumbs down. Then, he follows them out.
Awesome.
I see Aura floating with her shoulders slumped and I feel awful. I know how much she wanted to win the Monster Cup. She really wanted to prove we were the best section. But thanks to me, now she won’t get the chance.
“Hey,” I say, as a thought crosses my mind. “Maybe we can appeal Hexum’s ruling to Van Helsing? Maybe he’ll let us back in the tournament?”
“Yeah,” Aura mutters. “Maybe.”
And then she turns and vanishes through the wall.
Well, that didn’t go well.
“What about you?” I ask Rage. “Are you mad at me too?”
“What?” he says, looking glum. “Um, no.”
“Great,” I say. “Because—”
But he doesn’t bother to hear the rest of my sentence, because he pushes through the gym door. And as it SLAMS shut behind him, the only person left to hear its echo is me.
NEW BLOOD
I’ve never felt so alone.
And that’s saying something considering all of the foster homes and group facilities I’ve passed through. Growing up I never bothered connecting with anyone because I knew I wouldn’t be sticking around. But here I thought I found a place to call home.
I guess I was wrong.
Yes, I single-handedly ruined my team’s chances for glory by getting us disqualified from the Monster Cup, but I didn’t expect my friends to give me the cold shoulder like this. I mean, I already felt bad enough, but then I felt even worse when nobody came to my room to check up on me—including Rage, my so-called roommate.
But it’s probably for the best because I didn’t want to see anyone anyway. I pretty much spent the entire afternoon fuming in my bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing I was someone else.
Anybody else.
I did get up once to go see Van Helsing, but as soon as I hit the foyer, I overheard someone saying he was locked in his office, talking to some strange man. That stopped me in my tracks. After all, I know Van Helsing and he doesn’t like to be disturbed. So, I marched back upstairs for more fuming.
In fact, I was so upset I even skipped dinner, which I know is a major ‘no-no’ for a vampire like me. But even though I was hungry, I’d rather starve than see my ‘so-called’ friends’ faces.
I bet they were talking about me anyway. After all, how many boneheaded things could one person do before they get kicked out of here? And I’ve done some pretty boneheaded things. You know, like resurrecting Count Dracula with my own blood.
I’m pretty sure no one can top that one.
Maybe I should just leave on my own.
Suddenly, the door bursts open, scaring the bejesus out of me.
“You coming?” Rage asks, poking his head inside.
“Coming where?” I ask, not bothering to look his way. I guess I’m as mad at him as he is of me.
“To the auditorium,” he says. “There was an announcement at dinner. Van Helsing called a mandatory assembly for all students and faculty in the auditorium. He expects everyone to be there, including you.”
“Not me,” I say. “I’ll be right here.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Rage says. “You have to go. Van Helsing never calls a mandatory assembly. Supposedly,
this is the first time in years that’s happened. Are you really going to miss it?”
“Yep,” I say. “I don’t need to hear anything else about the Monster Cup. It’s pretty clear where we are in the standings, which is nowhere, all because of me.”
“This assembly isn’t about the Monster Cup,” Rage says. “And besides, I’m not that mad anymore. What happened wasn’t your fault. You had a bad break, that’s all. No one wanted you to die so we could win. Well, except for InvisiBill.”
“Really?” I say, looking at him.
He’s smiling and I can’t help but smile back.
“What about Aura?” I ask.
“Don’t worry about her,” Rage says. “She’ll get over it. Eventually. Now get up or we’ll be late.”
I hesitate for a second, but I am curious about why Van Helsing called this assembly. “Fine,” I say, throwing my legs over the side of the bed. I grab my gray hoodie and follow Rage outside.
There’s a full moon in the night sky as groups of kids make their way across the green towards the main building. Rage and I are the last to climb up the stone steps and push through the double doors. By the time we reach the auditorium, the room is abuzz—literally.
I duck just as a kid with dragon wings flies over me, nearly taking my head off. The place is packed and the volume level is absolutely deafening. Aside from the winged troublemakers divebombing their unsuspecting classmates, the rest of the kids are sitting with their sections. Through the crowd I see the Juggernauts, and the Freaks, and the Howlers, but I don’t see our section.
“Over there,” Rage says, pointing to the far side.
That’s when I see a furry arm waving at us.
“There’s Hairball,” Rage says. “Let’s go.”
Well, here goes nothing.
I follow Rage through the crowd, and as I approach the Monstrosities I get a mixed reaction. Hairball and Stanphibian nod, but Aura crosses her arms and turns the other way. Wonderful.
I ignore her and take the empty seat beside her.
“Hey!” InvisiBill yells. “Get off of me!”
“Sorry,” I say, moving over one.
