"How does Oar fit into this?" Festina asked.
"We wanted to put her body into the fountain," Immu answered. "Using a living person would be too much of a risk; it’s been so long since the Blood Honey was tested, the League of Peoples might condemn us for endangering another sentient being. But there’d be no problem with a corpse. We’d put Oar in the fountain, then examine her afterward to see if her cells had undergone the desired transformation." The alien glanced toward her husband. "Merely out of curiosity," she said. "To see if the Blood Honey still worked."
"Yes, just to see," Esticus agreed, gazing back at her. "A way to pass the time."
"But what good would Oar be?" Festina asked. "It sounds like the transformation is specific to your species. Any other species will just get broken down into purple goo, without being put back together the right way."
"Of course," Immu said, as if that should be obvious to anyone. "But Oar is our species. Haven’t you figured that out by now?"
The Stupidest Creatures In The Universe
"I am not a villainous Shaddill!" I replied hotly. "Not even a little bit."
"You are," Esticus said, his voice cloud sliding a short distance toward me. "Your genome is 99.999 percent the same as ours."
"The differences between you and us," Immu said, "are no greater than the differences between your Freep and Tye-Tye companions out in the corridor. Or between female Zaretts, who are large and spherical, versus males, who are small and cloudy. External looks are insignificant compared to what’s in your chromosomes and cytoplasm. We made your race to be just like us."
"But I am beautiful glass! Not fur at all. And I have five fingers, without claws… and no tail or mouth attachments…"
"All trivialities," Immu said. Her translation mist shaped itself briefly into an approximation of me, pleasantly tall and humanoid — then the image shifted into something more squat and beetle-ish. "Inside," she said, "you have the same organs that let you go without food for long periods of time, the same cellular structures that prevent you from aging, the same defensive systems that make you practically impossible to kill. We’ve lived more than five thousand of your years. Your people have the potential to live that long too."
"But it is five thousand years with Tired Brains!" I snapped. "That is another difference between you and me."
"It was necessary," Esticus said. "To make sure you didn’t get too…" His golden cloud broke into a large number of thready wisps surrounding two little lumps — perhaps suggesting a horde of my people vastly outnumbering the two Shaddill.
"We wanted children," Esticus continued, "but the Soft Ones changed us somehow so we couldn’t… it didn’t happen naturally. They wanted to be sure we were Tahpo: the last of our kind. Lucky for us, this was originally a colony-building ship; it still had full terraforming capabilities and a supply of frozen fertilized ova. We altered the DNA in the ova just a bit to create a human-shaped race and… well. You really are like us, Oar, even if there isn’t much external resemblance."
I still did not think it could possibly be true; but Festina was nodding to herself. In a quiet voice, she said, "If we get out of this, Oar, I’ll show you pictures of a Chihuahua and an Irish Wolfhound — unquestionably the same species, but different as night and day. External appearance just isn’t a reliable guide to cellular composition." She turned back to the Shaddill. "So you wanted Oar’s corpse to test the Blood Honey. Just out of curiosity. You had absolutely no thought you might take the big step."
Esticus turned his eyes toward Immu; she looked back at him. For a moment, they did not speak… and although they were horrid fur-beetles, the image arose in my mind of lovers from some tale of romantic misapprehension: the kind of lovers who fervently want the same thing but believe the other does not want such a thing, so they say, "No, no, I do not want that either."
Fools! I thought. They both wish to transform, but they fear to admit it. I could see it in their eyes — as if some deep-down Shaddillish part of me knew instinctively how to read such googly insect expressions. Perhaps Immu and Esticus had once feared the honey fountain, but now they longed for it. Even if it meant death, they wanted release… but each was holding back for the sake of the other.
"You are both quite absurd," I told them. "Are you not secretly eager to jellify yourselves? I believe you have been so for years. Yet you each think the other person is afraid, so you say nothing — never mentioning what you feel, for fear of upsetting your mate. Is that not the case? You have been shielding one another needlessly for five thousand years, because you are the stupidest creatures in the universe." I pointed to the Blood Honey filling the fountain. "Please jump in now, and get out of our lives."
The Tahpo/Shaddill/Fuentes stared at me pop-eyed for a good five seconds; then they looked back toward each other, their mandibles moving with great slowness. Esticus whispered something — a real whisper coming out of his mouth, not the cloud above his head. Immu whispered back. In a moment, they were nose to nose, whispering, whispering… and holding each other’s hands as their great shovel-tails slid forward to entwine.
Festina leaned toward me. "If they’ve just been holding off for the sake of each other… that’s so fucking soppy, I may puke."
"It is not soppy, it is merely ridiculous," I told her. "Many creatures in the universe are ridiculous. Besides," I continued, "these two claim to be the same species as I… and I am such a one as may soon succumb to a Tired Brain. Perhaps Shaddill brains get Tired as well, especially after five thousand years. The Shaddill may not fall dormant, but perhaps there comes a point when they do very little actual thinking."
"Perhaps," Festina agreed, watching Immu and Esticus whisper. "I’ll be ecstatic if they decide to go for a Blood Honey skinny-dip. Once they’re in ‘Soft Form,’ I don’t think they’ll see us as threats — the jelly-guys aren’t afraid of humans or any other species at our development level. With a bit of luck, we’ll be free to go; for that matter, they might give us this ship. Once they jelly out, they won’t need it anymore."
"You mean they will say, ‘Now we see the light,’ and all will be well? We will not get to punch anyone!"
Festina tapped my jacket with one finger. "You’re an Explorer now, Oar. The ideal outcome of any Explorer mission is to walk away safely — not to kick butt, not to make your opponents cry uncle. I don’t know if there’s ever been a mission where Explorers faced alien enemies and the enemies said, ‘So sorry, we won’t bother you anymore… and by the way, take the keys to our spaceship.’ But by God, every Explorer prays for something that works out so tamely. Tameness is good. Tameness means you live another day."
"But they are horrendous villains!" I whispered. "They may seem like foolish beetles, but they and their kind have wreaked havoc throughout the galaxy. On my people. On your people. On the Divians and the Cashlings and all those other species the Shaddill uplifted. Long ago, Cashlings were a sensible species, but now they are vain and obnoxious: is that not a result of the Shaddill’s deeds? And Immu said they did it deliberately! They intended to make the entire Cashling race silly and ineffectual; in a spirit of utter selfishness, these harmless-looking beetles have degraded billions of creatures into jokes."
"You think I don’t know that?" Festina replied. "You think I don’t know how humans and everybody else have been screwed around? Hell, Oar, Homo sapiens is a travesty of what it once was; the whole damned Technocracy is lazy, stupid, and corrupt, all thanks to a bunch of fur-balls who didn’t give a fuck how much trouble they caused, so long as it let them avoid a scary decision. That infuriates me, Oar the whole damned thing makes me livid. I want to snap the mandibles off these shitheads and stuff ’em down their rotten little throats. But I’m not in the business of vengeance; as always, I’m just trying to make the best of a crappy situation. So we grit our teeth, forget that the Tahpo have fucked over more sentient creatures than anyone else in history, and just cross our fingers the last two will remove themselves from the playing field. Once
they’re gone, once everybody on our side is safe, then we’ll see if we can fix the damage these bastards have caused."
This plan did not please me at all: letting the villains quietly achieve transcendence after all the disruption they had wrought. But I did not have time to devise an alternate strategy because Immu and Esticus were turning our direction. Their faces looked just as ugly as ever… but their mandibles moved less frantically, as if some inner tormenting tension had eased away.
"You were correct," Immu said. "We had both… we had both been foolish on each other’s behalf. All this time…" She made a rasping noise in her throat. "We intend to transform as soon as possible."
"I’m fucking thrilled for you," Festina replied. "Now before you go all jiggly, please release our ships… or even better, tell your computers to obey our instructions and let us take care of—"
"Before any of that," Immu interrupted, "we have to make sure the Blood Honey is effective. It’s been centuries since anyone used it, and some of the ship’s systems are failing from sheer old age. Therefore, we must still try our experiment."
She turned to stare directly at me.
"Uh-oh," Festina said. She turned toward me too. "What?" I asked. "What experiment?"
Then I remembered. "Oh."
The Nature Of Cowardice
"The fountain shouldn’t hurt you," Esticus said, his shovel-tail twitching nervously. "We’ve analyzed the Blood Honey as well as we can. We think it’s still all right; we just aren’t sure."
"But it will turn me into jelly! Purple jelly!"
"If it works," said Immu, "you’ll be a million times more than you are now. Transcendent. With power and intelligence far beyond your wildest dreams."
"But I will be purple jelly! I do not wish to be jelly, regardless of the quality of its dreams."
Immu stepped toward me. It was the first time she had ventured out of direct contact with Esticus. "Weren’t you the one who called us cowards for refusing to change?"
"You were cowards!" I cried. "And you still are — if you cannot muster the courage to act unless I do it first."
"All right," Immu said, taking another step toward me. "So we’re cowards. We’ve thought of ourselves that way for thousands of years — the most cowardly dregs of a race noted for how much it loved to hide. We’re willing to do one last cowardly thing."
She took another step toward me. Festina moved in between us. "You don’t want to do this," she told Immu, ignoring the mandibles that twitched right in front of her face. "If you dump Oar into the fountain and it kills her, the League of Peoples will consider you murderers. You yourself said it was too risky to try with a living person."
"At this point," Immu answered, "I’m willing to take the gamble."
"And it isn’t really a gamble," Esticus said, scurrying up beside his wife. "We’ve done everything possible to check that the honey’s okay. So long as we make our best efforts to ensure Oar’s safety, we won’t be held responsible if something goes wrong." He reached out tentatively to touch my arm. "It’ll transform you into something amazing. Really."
I pulled sharply away from him. "I do not find jelly amazing. I should very much hate turning soft."
"But," said Immu, "it will cure your Tired Brain."
Suddenly, I felt as if everything in the world had gone silent. The fountain continued to burble, the Shaddill swished their mandibles together, Festina breathed softly… yet those sounds all seemed very distant. Very quietly I said, "It will cure my brain?"
"Yes," Immu replied, her translation cloud sliding closer to me. "The honey adjusts cellular activity and
DNA… especially anything related to mental capacity. It vastly expands your intellectual power; and in the process, it will correct the genetic blockages that make your brain Tired."
"That’s right," Esticus put in most eagerly. "We’ve, uhh… you’re not the first of your people who’s gone through this test. Back at the very beginning, when we were certain the Blood Honey was still good, we… we captured one of your men and we… he thanked us afterward, he really did. Before he left to join the Soft Collective. He thanked us, then teleported away by sheer force of will. So there’s nothing to be afraid of, and everything to be gained."
I turned to look at the fountain, still gushing with thick-flowing honey. Out near the edge of the basin, the surface of the pool was calm — like a mirror of clear crimson, barely rippled by the splashing in the middle.
It did not surprise me to see two fiery red eyes glimmering up from the liquid’s glossy surface.
The Pollisand had led me to this room. He had promised to cure me, and guided me straight to the remedy I needed. He had simply neglected to mention the medicine would turn me into purple gloop.
One should never trust alien promises. I ought to have known that by now.
"Perhaps someday," I said, "it will become necessary for me to take this step." I turned to Festina. "If I become such a one as does nothing for weeks on end and refuses to answer no matter how nicely you speak, you have my permission to take drastic action rendering me into a jellylike state. But not yet!" I glared at the two Shaddill. "Do you hear me? I do not wish to bathe in Blood Honey at this time."
"Perhaps not," Immu answered, "but you’re going to anyway."
Her great shovel-tail swept up from the floor. She intended to smack me into the fountain; but Festina was ready for such a tactic. My friend shot her hands forward, striking nasty little Immu hard in the chest with the heels of both palms. Immu staggered back, her aim spoiled; instead of striking me, the tail’s chitin edge swept harmlessly past, barely grazing my jacket sleeve.
Even that tiny graze was enough to slice a gash in the jacket fabric. The tail was strong and fast and sharp… and it was still whipping wildly through the air as Immu tried to regain her balance. Esticus squealed and ducked as the shovel-scoop slashed past him; I tried to catch the tail, but it plunged away from me, spearing into the soil beside my feet. In a split-second, the shovel was snapping up again, jerking clots of dirt loose as it freed itself from the hard-packed earth. I stomped down hard, hoping I could pin the tail under my heel… but it moved too fast, swishing out of range before my foot touched the floor.
For all their foolish appearance, the Shaddill were fast and elusive. Then again, what does one expect from cowards?
Immu may have evaded me, but she was not so lucky with my Faithful Sidekick. Festina stepped right onto the alien’s rabbit-like foot and slammed another double palm-heel into Immu’s chest. With her one foot trapped, Immu could not backpedal to keep her balance; she toppled back heavily, twisting at the last moment so she hit the floor with her shoulder rather than flat on her spine. Festina tried to press her advantage, jumping forward with the obvious intention of delivering a punch or kick… but Immu still had the use of her tail. It swept up fast and hard, not well-aimed but as dangerous as a swinging ax. Festina was forced to dodge out of the sharp shovel’s reach.
"Stop!" Esticus cried. "Stop, stop, stop!"
He was still crouched down, exactly where he had landed after ducking Immu’s tail. His own tail was tucked tight beneath him; he showed no sign of joining the fight. And yet… he had spoken in Shaddill-ese, not English. That was because his translation cloud was gone — it had vanished in the past few seconds, while I was concentrating elsewhere. Had the cloud’s component bits been scattered by Immu’s tail as it swept through the air? Or had the cringing Esticus sent his cloud on some terrible mission?
A look of horror passed over Festina’s face. Suddenly, she began to choke.
26: WHEREIN I FACE THE GREATEST RISK OF ALL
Four Starbiter Lookalikes
Esticus was only a step away. I planted my foot on his tail, just below the scoop so he could not swing it. Then I grabbed him by the wrists and heaved him up as high as I could lift. Since I was so much taller, he ended up dangling by his arms, feet off the ground.
In this position, I did not have to worry about his claws or
tail, and I held him out far enough that he could not reach me with his mandibles. That only left his feet… and with haunches like a rabbit, he was well built for kicking at things behind his back, but not so good for attacking persons in front of him. Anyway, he seemed too scared to put up a fight — his mandibles trembled, his eyelids fluttered, and he made anxious grunts in his throat.
I too may have uttered the occasional grunt. A creature of Esticus’s size may not be as heavy as a human, but it took great strength to hold him hanging in that position. There was no chance of keeping him suspended for more than a minute… but with luck, that was all the time I needed.
"Let Festina go!" I shouted into his face. "Whatever you are doing, stop at once."
Esticus did not answer. Neither did Immu. As for Festina, she was clutching her throat and making horrible wheezing sounds. It had to be the work of the missing translation clouds… for Immu’s cloud had disappeared too. I could imagine billions of translation nanites crowding inside my friend, sealing off her windpipe, clotting up her lungs. She was still on her feet, having staggered back to get away from Immu’s tail; but her face was turning dark with blood, and her eyes were bulging. With the hand that was not at her throat, she raised her stun-pistol and fired at Immu.
Immu gave a raspy laugh. "I told you. Those guns don’t work on us."
"Let Festina go!" I yelled at the two Shaddill. "Perhaps the gun cannot hurt you, but I surely can." I gave Esticus a shake and he gasped out a hiss.
"You’re the one who should let go," Immu said, speaking in my own language. Without the translation cloud, her voice was nothing more than a whisper. "We have enough nanites to choke you too."
"Do not try," I said. "If I feel the smallest tickle in my throat, Esticus will regret it." At that, Esticus wriggled and squirmed, trying to slip from my grip. He could not. The foolish Shaddill had made me stronger than they were themselves.
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