But as I regarded my reflection in the mirror, I couldn’t help but smile. The sex had been…fucking incredible. No man on earth could even come close to making me feel the way Finn could.
It’s fine – you had your fun and scratched the itch. Now it’s time to do what needs to be done.
I nodded at my reflection, pleased with my decision. After a bit more washing up, I left the bathroom.
Finn was gone, no longer in bed. Before figuring out where he’d gone to, I made my way around the room, snatching up my clothes and putting them on. Another wry grin formed on my lips as I stepped into my panties and clasped the matching bra. They weren’t granny undies – they were what you wore when you knew something was going to happen. Even if consciously I’d been certain that my evening with Finn would be platonic, deep down I’d been guiding myself toward his bed.
Once dressed, I glanced at myself in the mirror before stepping into the main room of the condo. The place was nice, a modern, sleek home with a killer view of the city. A perfect bachelor pad designed to impress whatever girl he had over.
Finn was in the kitchen, sticking a pair of plates in the microwave and hitting start, the interior humming to life. He had on a white T-shirt and jeans, the simple look doing his sexy-as-fuck body major favors.
“This was a pretty damn good meal, if I do say so myself,” he said, flashing me a smile over his shoulder as he leaned in front of the microwave. “No sense in letting it go to waste. Besides, after what we just got up to, a little sustenance is in order.”
“I won’t argue.”
He turned away from the microwave, grabbing the bottle of wine off the counter and coming over to refill our glasses. I quickly took mine and sipped. While I’d been making a conscious effort to stay away from booze for the evening so I didn’t do anything I might regret, that bell had long been rung.
The microwave dinged, and Finn hurried over to take out the two steaming plates. “Ah, hot-hot-hot,” he said, placing them on the table and shaking his hands. Then he gestured to the table. The food did look pretty damn appealing. “Sit. I invited you over here to eat and talk, so let’s eat and talk.”
“No more…distractions?” I asked.
“Well, I’m not making any promises. When I’m around you, I…” He drifted off, as if he didn’t want to put into words what was on his mind.
“Doesn’t matter. Point is, we’ve got bigger issues to discuss than bedroom business.”
“You’re right about that.”
A tense silence fell over us. I sipped my wine, and he cut off a slice of his chicken and popped it into his mouth, chewing it thoughtfully. There were some big issues we needed to talk about. But neither of us seemed to know where to begin.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” I finally said. It wasn’t all that relevant. Still, I couldn’t help but think it.
“You serious?”
“It wasn’t a good idea.”
He wasn’t deterred by my words. He kept grinning as he cut into his chicken, a cocky smile on his face. “That’s where you’re wrong, gorgeous. I’m glad we did it and I’d make the same decision again without any hesitation.”
A small smile took over my face. The guy was cocky, and sometimes that could be a pain in the ass. But knowing he didn’t have any doubts about the sex strangely put me at ease.
“Well, it’s done. Now, let’s talk about the kids.”
The confidence on his face faded, and he glanced aside.
“What?” I asked.
He shook his head, setting down his fork and knife. “Just thinking about it all. I don’t tell anyone this, normally. But you need to know, Kenna.”
“Tell me.”
“My da…he’s a rude old goat, a hard man to know – a hard man to call my da. He was cold to me and my brother growing up. He cared more about his clinic than Patrick or me. At least, that’s what it always looked like to us.”
“Okay…” I was glad he was sharing something so personal with me, but I needed to know where he was going with it.
“Point is, I didn’t exactly have the best role model when it came to fatherhood. I don’t even know where to begin, really.”
My gut tightened. I didn’t like at all where this conversation was going.
“And more than that, my life’s in a totally chaotic spot right now. I just moved to a new city – hell, a new country. I’m getting myself sorted out at in a new clinic, and I might even be starting a new position as the head of a medical foundation.”
I didn’t want to hear any more preamble. “If you don’t want to be involved, just say it. Don’t insult me by making this stupid list of all the reasons why you’re so busy right now like I’m some stupid girl you’re trying to explain why you don’t want to commit.”
What appeared to be genuine shock appeared on his face. “Kenna, that’s not what I’m saying at all.”
“Then what are you saying? Because it sure as shit sounded to me like you were about to tell me why being a father isn’t something you can squeeze into your busy schedule.”
“Damnit, Kenna, will you give me a fuckin’ chance?”
There was anger in his words, enough to silence me. Finn’s expression was hard, his chest rising and falling.
“Fine then,” I told him. “Say what’s on your mind.”
He sighed and shook his head, tossing his napkin on the table. “I just found out that I’m a father a week ago, and I’m still wrapping my head around it. I barely know what to make of this, and all I’m trying to do is tell you what’s going through my mind right now, got it?”
“There you go again.”
“There I go again how? What’re you talking about?”
“What you’re doing, trying to puzzle it all out in your head –I didn’t have the privilege of doing that. Do you know when I became a mom?”
He appeared confused. “When you gave birth?”
I shook my head, scoffing. “No – nine months before that.” He stared at me. “When I got that pregnancy test and saw two little pink lines, I knew my life was going to change forever. I’ve been a mom since that very moment.”
“And you’ve been a great one – I’m sure of it,” Finn said. “And I want to be a father. I want to be there for the little ones, to make up for the time I missed.”
“Is that right?” I asked, my eyes narrowed. “Because it sounds to me like you just made up a list of all the reasons why you can’t be bothered to be a father. Honestly, I’d prefer it if you just walked away and left our lives alone rather than blunder in and be a half-assed dad who’s more concerned about his job than anything else.”
Finn’s eyes flashed with anger; I’d stepped over a line.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Kenna? You’re coming at me like I’m some negligent, shitty da when I haven’t even had a chance to be there for the twins! You’ve had years to acclimate yourself to the idea of being a mother, but this is all hitting me at once!”
Finn sighed, letting his head hang as he raised his palms. I could see his jaw work, the anger running through him as he struggled to keep an even keel. It made me wonder if I was pushing too hard, but I quickly reminded myself we were talking about my children. If anything was worth fighting for, it was them.
“How about this,” Finn began, lifting his eyes to meet mine. “You’re gonna need some time to get used to me being in their lives. I understand that and I’m willing to take your lead on that front. But at the very least, let me help out money-wise right now. I’ve got far, far more than I need for just myself and—”
I started shaking my head as soon as he said money. “No. I don’t need your money. I’m not some charity case you can throw a check at every month so you can feel better about yourself.”
“Jesus Christ, Kenna. I can’t win with you,” he said, totally exasperated and throwing his hands in the air. “Taking care of my own kids is not charity.”
“I’ve been doing just fine on my own. I have a
good job and plenty of help. I’m doing right by them.”
“But that’s what I’m trying to do too!” he shouted, his eyes wide and his arms outstretched. “All I want is to do right by the kids.”
I stood up, more than done with the conversation. “Then you can do it by dropping the subject and never bringing it up again. We’ve been getting along just fine without you, Finn. No sense in ruining a good thing.” I marched toward the door, grabbing my coat and purse.
“Kenna,” Finn called after me. “You’re being totally unreasonable. Let me help, please.”
Tears welled in my eyes as I opened the door and stepped out into the hall. I slammed the door behind me and marched to the elevator. As it descended to the lobby, part of me was certain I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.
I was pushing Finn away because I was afraid, but of what? Of him disappointing the kids? Or of needing him too damn much?
Chapter 19
FINN
I was in a daze after Kenna left. I hadn’t risen from the table, instead remaining where I sat and staring off into space, trying to process the conversation.
What the hell had happened? The night had gone from mildly awkward to tense to sexual to heated to over in what had felt like the blink of an eye. And the worst part was I felt certain I’d said all the right things. I’d told Kenna that I wanted to be in the kids’ lives, to make up for all the time I’d missed since they’d been born. But that suggestion had gone over like a damn lead balloon.
Despite doing my best to make things right, I’d done the exact opposite – I’d ruined everything, perhaps for good.
I checked my watch, my eyebrows shooting up in surprise as I realized thirty minutes had passed since Kenna had stormed out. The food was cold and congealed on the plates in front of me, the ice melting in the water.
I needed a real drink.
I pushed myself up from the table and headed to the liquor cabinet. After pouring myself a couple of stiff fingers, I walked to the windows and looked out over the city as I drank, trying to figure out my next step.
I could wait a few days, let Kenna calm down and see if she was more in the mood for a chat. But that’s what tonight was supposed to have been about, two calm, rational adults figuring out a solution to a very complicated situation. And it had ended in disaster.
There were other avenues I could’ve taken, of course. They were my children, and I had a right to be a part of their lives. That meant the law was at my disposal. It would be a tricky angle, since there was no doubt my name wasn’t on the birth certificate as the father. I had money, which meant I had legal options. I could sue for a paternity test, and once my parenthood was established, I could take Kenna to court, do whatever it took to make sure I had a legal right to be in my children’s lives.
It could work – but it would be damn ugly. It’d be less like solving a problem and more like going to war. The bridge between Kenna and me, whatever remained of it, would be torched beyond repair. Our friends would be forced to take sides, and rifts would be created that wouldn’t be easily mended – if at all.
The worst part would be what would happen to the kids. They’d have to go through it all, spending days of their childhood in and out of courtrooms, wondering who this strange man who called himself their father really was and why he’d shown up seemingly for no other reason than to make their mother’s life a living hell.
Fuck that. I’d rather have no role in their lives than a malevolent one. And though she wasn’t too happy with me at the moment, I still cared about Kenna. I found myself wanting to take care of her as much as I did the children. Not because I didn’t think she was capable, but because I knew she was. She had done so much on her own the past few years, I wanted to make it just a little bit easier on her.
I groaned for that thought, sipping my whiskey and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I was crazy for the woman, and she didn’t seem to want a damn thing to do with me.
Once the whiskey was down the gullet, I poured myself another – I needed it. As I poured, a wild thought occurred to me. What if she’d been right?
After all, I had responded to the news of fatherhood by going on about how damn busy I was, how I had my office hours and the new medical foundation to worry about. My life was all kinds of topsy-turvy these days. Would I be able to find room for the twins? What good would it do for the little ones to show up as their father only to pop in and out when I had the time?
I remembered spending time with the twins at the party. God, it’d been so much fun, more than I expected. But it had also been…strange, like I’d never been around kids before. I’d been awkward and unsure of how to act.
Maybe it was a sign that fatherhood wasn’t for me. Perhaps the best I could do would be to hope Kenna might calm down enough to be open to the idea of me setting up a college fund or some such for them somewhere down the road.
It stung like hell to know that my own flesh and blood were living life without me, that I might not be able to play a role in their lives. Maybe Kenna was right – she had spent the last two years actually raising the little ones. Maybe she knew what was best for them.
A booming knock sounded at the front door as I was in the middle of another deep drink. It was so sudden and surprising that I nearly spilled my drink. Who the hell is knocking at this hour? Kenna maybe? No. As appealing as the idea might’ve been, the knock was too powerful to be hers, unless she was furious and slamming on the door with all the strength she had.
The knock sounded out again, the bang so insistent and loud that I wondered if I owed money to the mob and had forgotten, and now they were coming to collect.
“Hold your damn horses!” I yelled, setting my whiskey on a side table and hurrying to the front door. “Got a lot of nerve making a fuss like that at this hour!”
When I opened the door, whatever anger I felt vanished. The person on the other side was a welcomed visitor any time of any day.
“There’s the fucker!” Patrick shouted, my brother’s deep voice booming through my apartment.
Before I had a chance to react, he threw his long arms around me, giving me a tight hug and slapping my back so hard I swore I felt my bones jangle. Once I wrapped my head around what the hell was happening, I hugged him tight.
“What the hell, brother?” I asked, letting him go, my hands on his shoulders as I stepped back to take in the sight of him. “Your here damn early!”
There was a big smile on my face. “I got a bit bored in Phuket, decided to drop in ahead of schedule. Hope that doesn’t matter none.”
Patrick had always been a seat-of-his-pants sort of guy, going wherever his moods –and the best chance for a good photoshoot— took him. I placed my hand on his back and ushered him into my apartment, shutting the door behind us. Patrick wheeled in the large suitcase he’d brought with him.
“Not a damn bit – glad to see you.” I gestured toward the couch, guiding him to sit down as I stepped over to the bar and poured him a tall glass of the good stuff.
“God,” he said, exhausted despite the energy he always exuded. “Those fifteen-hour flights really have a way of taking it out of you.”
“Bet they do.” I made him a drink and handed him his glass.
“Oh, you’re an angel, brother.” He raised the booze as I dropped into the chair across from where he sat. “Slainte,” he toasted.
“Slainte.”
We sipped our drinks and Patrick settled in, looking around. “Hell of a place you’ve got here. Big and, ah, empty.”
I chuckled. “Hadn’t had much of a chance to get settled. Whatever furniture you see is whatever it came with.”
“Well, now that your putting down some roots, I’m sure you’ll have all the time in the world to raid the local Ikea.” He grinned. To Patrick, the idea of buying a home and filling it full of possessions to anchor you down was the most unappealing thing in the world.
“We’ll see about that,” I said. I’d inadvertentl
y let my tone be a bit too affected by what else was on my mind.
“You alright?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow.
“Fine, fine.” I was eager not ignore my issues. “What on Earth you been up to? Fill me in, brother.”
He grinned and began his story. The man had a hell of a time over the last year. He’d traveled the world, visiting Thailand and Cambodia and China before dipping over to the Middle East, putting together a photo journal of some of the war-torn areas in the region.
As he spoke, my protective, older-brother instincts kicked in. “You’re pressing your luck, Pat,” I commented. “Only so many times you can rush headlong into danger before it catches up with ya.”
He waved it off as if it were not an issue in the slightest. “You kidding me? It’s fun as hell, and Time paid like mad for my most recent shots in Aleppo. And on top of that, it’s giving me a chance to share with the rest of the world some hardships that the less fortunate go through. Doing a little good, yeah?”
Patrick and I had our love for charity work in common, along with our looks.
He leaned forward, a glimmer in his eye. “And that’s not all. For my next project, I’m going domestic.”
“Domestic? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I want to put a book together, one about the dark secrets of the US government. I think it’s gonna sell huge.”
“You’re fooling, Pat,” I said. “Poking around in the US government’s business? You’re gonna end up in a black site somewhere if you’re not careful.”
He sat back, his arms draped over the couch, a smile on his face like there was nothing to worry about. “When am I not careful?” He sipped his drink and waved toward me. “Anyway,” he changed the subject. “What’s going on in your world? Tell me all about that gal you were chatting about with Roxie.”
My face fell – of course he’d go for a subject like that.
“Wait,” he said, noting my facial expression. “What happened?” Then he raised his finger accusingly, his thick eyebrows arched. “And don’t even try to tell me nothing. I know you better than that.”
The Irish Doctor’s Secret Babies: A Secret Baby Romance Page 15
