Recap
Phrase your communications in positive terms.
Speak from the first person (“I”).
Make it clear that you understand your loved one's position.
State your willingness to share responsibility for the situation about which you are talking.
Kathy and Jim: Developing a New Style
Kathy knew she had to find a way to tell Jim that she would no longer accept rough language directed at her or the kids. The problem was, anytime she had tried to tell him this in the past, he had responded with the very language she was trying to stop. This time she planned it differently. Instead of waiting for it to happen and calling it to his attention, she waited until they had an argument in which he did not swear. Then she said, “Jim, I know you are angry at me and agree we need to talk it out. But I first want to tell you how good I feel when we have these arguments without swearing at each other. Thank you so much.” This took Jim by surprise. He almost forgot what he was angry about, and the rest of the argument lost much of its venom as he and Kathy calmly talked about the topic at hand.
chapter 10
Behavior Basics
Ladonna and Keith
Ladonna knew that Keith's drinking had gotten a lot worse over the past year—even if she did always defend him to her parents and insist that they were overreacting. In private she would beg him to cut back, plead with him to stop, and on a daily basis lately, get into a screaming match with him. Even though she knew she was right and he was wrong, she also knew that insisting on that point didn't help. They both needed to change, and she decided that because she was the sober one, she would go first.
This chapter is your “tool kit.” Until now we have shown you how to target behaviors that need change and how to approach changing them. Here is where we pull together all the pieces to make it happen. You will recognize some of these strategies from examples in earlier chapters. Others will be things you already know and do. If a lot of this material is familiar, good. It will be easier to use. If the ideas are new to you, don't worry; you will learn them.
Rewards, Punishments, and the Big Chill
Psychologists and a lot of wise grandmothers know that the keys to behavior change are found in rewards, punishments, and the big chill. Psychologists call rewards “reinforcements,” everyone calls punishment “punishment,” and “the big chill” simply means ignoring unwanted behavior. (Psychologists call it “extinction.”)
Rewards
The old saying “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” neatly sums up what rewards are all about. If you want someone to do something, give him a reward for doing it. Make that person feel good. The more often and powerfully someone is rewarded for behaving appropriately, the more likely she is to repeat that behavior.
For example, consider young Sammy whose mother is at the end of her rope trying to get him to keep his room tidy. After months of nagging and an ever-growing pile of junk on the floor, Mom decides bribery is in order. She tells Sammy that for each day he puts his dirty laundry in the hamper, makes his bed, and puts his toys in the toy box, he will receive a quarter. At the end of the week, Mom will take Sammy to the toy store where he can spend his earned money. Being a toy-loving kind of kid, Sammy thinks this is a terrific idea and becomes Mr. Clean.
Mom used a reward to bring Sammy around to her way of thinking. She may have called it bribery, but it was really a reward. Children have a natural need to play, and toys are a great way to satisfy that need. Thus, satisfying his desire for toys rewarded Sammy's behavior. The advantages of using rewards in a situation like this are clear. Mom stopped nagging Sammy so their relationship improved, Sammy willingly changed his behavior so Mom would lay off and give him a toy, and Mom had the satisfaction of being able, once again, to see the floor in Sammy's room.
There is one other thing to notice about the reward Mom chose for Sammy. She picked something that Sammy valued, not something she valued. A reward is only a reward if the person for whom it is intended desires it. Even if Mom had chosen her very most favorite vegetable, unless Sammy loved it too, it would not have worked as a reward.
You can apply the reward principle to your drinker and make it a pleasure for him to do what you want. Even if you could get your loved one to change by yelling at him, what would be more pleasant—yelling or making the change feel good? After all, your ultimate goal is to have your drinker change so the two of you can enjoy a happier relationship.
The more reinforcing a reward is, the more likely your loved one is to repeat the rewarded behavior. That is even how alcohol works. People know that if they drink, they will forget their troubles, be more romantic, feel less anxious, feel less depressed; in effect, alcohol will make them feel good. Unfortunately, that only hides the problems for now and creates more problems for later. But the initial expectation of immediate gratification prevents the individual from thinking about the longer-term consequences, so she just pays the piper later. That is how powerful positive rewards can be.
A good example of the use of reward was the way Kathy got Jim to come straight home from work at the end of chapter 2. Rather than pitching a fit about how awful it is when he stops for a drink with Charles, she held out a reward if he came straight home—his favorite meal, a smiling wife, and the company of his friend.
There is no limit to the variety of words, items, and situations that can be rewards. Anything that makes someone feel good/happy is a reward. That includes everything from a smile to a meal to sex to gifts to activities. If your drinker likes it, it's a reward. And remember, drinking is a reward too. The sum of your rewards must be greater than that of alcohol.
Rewarding people you love is easy to do. The tricky part is making sure you know what your loved one considers to be a reward. This can be particularly tough if the alcohol has changed him, and old pleasures have lost their attraction. Make a list of rewards you think your drinker will like. If you can come up with things your loved one might find more enjoyable than drinking, all the better. Minimally, make sure they are rewarding enough to get her attention. In the example below you can see that Ladonna wisely included her smiles, hugs, kisses, and pleasant words on her list. After all the fighting she and Keith had been doing, she rightly figured that simply showing him the side of her he first fell in love with would bring Keith pleasure. She was right! After reading Ladonna's list, write your own list in your notebook.
Activity 19. Behavior Change to Reward
List the behaviors you want your loved one to do more often and the rewards that would be appropriate for each of them. It's a good idea to have more than one reward idea for each behavior in case the situation makes your original idea hard to carry out. It's also fine to reuse ideas.
Behavior
Stay sober.
No drinking.
Stay home after dinner instead of going to the bar.
Reward
Tell Keith how much I enjoy his company when he's like this. Snuggle up to him on the sofa.
Tell him I love him and offer to make his favorite meal.
Slip into his favorite lingerie and invite him for an unexpected trip to the bedroom.
Play Keith's favorite music and tell him how much I love spending the evening with him. Maybe ask him to dance in the
living room like we used to when we were dating.
Offer to rub his back.
Surprise him with a shoot-'em-up movie and a big bowl of popcorn—his favorite “date” when we were younger.
Punishments
Everyone knows how to punish. Someone says or does something you dislike, so you say or do something that person dislikes to make him feel bad. When your loved one comes home higher than a kite, you yell or cry or throw something. That is punishment. Or is it?
If your relationship has deteriorated to the point where almost all of your interactions are negative, it just may be that your screaming or throwing are experienced by your drinker as rewards. Of course, this is
not exactly the same as when you do something loving and she actively enjoys it. However, angry attention is often better than no attention at all. So when you pitch a fit, your drinker feels connected to you. Even if the connection is nasty and ugly, it is there nonetheless. Furthermore, if your interactions really escalate into highly emotional scenes, your drinker (and you, too) may experience a sort of adrenaline rush that may be rewarding. Also, the aftermath of a fight often involves making up and a sort of honeymoon period when everyone tries to be extra nice, and so the fight, in a sense, gets reinforced again. So the message here is to be very careful if you plan to use punishments to help your drinker to change. They can often backfire, and on top of that, they are not nearly as powerful at triggering lasting change as are rewards.
In most situations, you can get your point across equally or more effectively by using rewards or the big chill (see following section). Punishment should almost always be your last choice. If yelling and fighting has not been successful in the past, chances are slim to none it will be so now. More effective would be something we call “positive reframing.” For instance, your loved one comes home drunk at two in the morning and wants to have sex with you. Instead of giving in just to shut him up or screaming and calling him a drunken pig, try this. Tell him you enjoy making love but only when he is sober and attentive to your needs, and you will be glad to have sex with him when he meets those conditions. In this way you have turned a potential punishment (rejection) into a promised reward when your loved one behaves appropriately.
The one type of punishment that we recommend you consider as you redesign your drinker's maps is withdrawal of reward. That means that rather than introducing something new and nasty into the situation, withdraw something positive. Kathy did this when she promised Jim a lovely dinner and pleasant evening if he came home by 5:30. When he failed to comply, she left him a cold meal and withdrew her company. He was punished but without the theatrics and potential danger of an argument.
We do have a word of caution about using punishment. Be alert to physical danger signals from your drinker. You know how far you can push her, so pay attention to your gut. There is no benefit in punishing your drinker to the point that a violent argument erupts or he slams out of the house in a rage. We know how tempting it can be to punish someone who has hurt you, but be careful that punishment does not backfire on you. Always keep your ultimate goal in mind and ask yourself whether this strategy will move you toward that goal or just give you the momentary satisfaction of revenge. If the latter, do not do it.
The Big Chill
Instead of using punishments when your loved one does something inappropriate, it is safer and more powerful to give her the big chill. It is very similar to withdrawal of a promised reward as we described in the previous section.
When your loved one misbehaves, let her know that you do not want to be around this behavior and then remove yourself. If there are other people in the situation with you, suggest you all go to another location or simply ignore the drinker. At all costs, do not allow her to drag you into an argument, which could ultimately be rewarding and move you away from, rather than toward, your goal.
For example, the two of you have snuggled together on the sofa for an evening of videos with the agreement that hot chocolate would be the drink of the night. About a third of the way into the movie your drinker pulls a beer out of the fridge. “Hon, remember we agreed no booze tonight so we could enjoy each other,” you say. “I know,” he answers, “but a beer would really taste good right now.” “Please don't,” you say. “Don't be such a nag,” is his reply. At this point you could get into an argument with all the potential for nasty outcomes, not to mention that he still gets to spend the evening with you. Or you could say, “I'm sorry you are choosing to drink that beer instead of watching the rest of the movie with me. I'd rather be with you when you're not drinking, so I'm leaving now.” With that, you get your coat, and leave for a friend's or relative's home or just leave the room. No fuss, no muss, and no rewards for drinking. You have given him the big chill and left him to thaw out on his own. That's a big message.
One More Thought
Before we end our discussion of rewards, punishments, and the big chill, we must add a word about the real world. Although our examples reflect real life, we have simplified them to make them clear teaching anecdotes. Your experiences with these strategies will sometimes be as smooth, or smoother, than what we describe and sometimes not. Figuring out new ways of living together is complicated, and once you apply them, they may take awhile to work. Sometimes plans backfire and you find yourself wondering if these methods are worth the effort. We can only tell you what experience has taught us.
If you have spent years trying to make a life with your drinker, you clearly value the relationship. That means the effort is indeed worthwhile. Very few of our clients have come into the program and experienced positive changes effortlessly. However, most have made some good changes happen. Sometimes it takes months of work but eventually the majority who use this approach are able to improve their quality of life, and many get their drinker to seek treatment. It just requires that you keep at it long enough to let the process work and keep working the process. Map out your strategies, track them, reevaluate them, and revise them. Then try again. You can make it happen.
Putting It Together
You've learned about rewards, punishments, the big chill, problem solving, mapping, goal setting, and PIUS communication. Now, how do you put it all together? Actually, it's easier than you might think. To begin with, look back at the drinking maps you made (in chapter 2) of your loved one's current behavior and the revisions you came up with. Then examine your responses for the following:
Is there anything you are doing that you thought would discourage drinking but isn't, or is actually rewarding it?
Is there a typical response of yours that rewards behavior that you do not want to reward? If so, how can you alter your behavior to use the big chill or, if appropriate and safe, punishment?
Are you punishing when you could be using the big chill or reward? Work on changing the situation into one where you focus on the positive and hold out a reward, rather than focus on the negative.
Are the revised ways you start discussions with or respond to your drinker phrased in positive “I” statements that show you understand how difficult change is for her and that share the responsibility for the situation?
As you answer each question, look for ways to improve your plans by using the techniques you have learned. Once you have plans that you feel pretty good about, practice them. Ideally, you would find someone to help you by acting out the situations described in the drinking maps. If you do not have anyone to role-play with, simply rehearse the plans in your imagination. You will be surprised at how effective mental rehearsal can be at improving your real life performance.
Now that you are ready to begin making some powerful changes in the way you interact with your drinker, it is important to let him know what is going on. No, you don't need to say that you have started a program to make him quit drinking. What you do need to say, though, is that you love him and want to improve your life together. Be sure to use positive communication to convey the message lovingly, with a focus on how you feel, and clearly show you understand the difficulties involved and share in the responsibility. Here are some examples.
“I love you (“I” statement with your feeling) so much that I get scared when I see you drinking. I know it's tough for you to quit (understanding), so I'll stop nagging you about it, but I also can't bear to watch it anymore. I want things to get better so I won't be part of your drinking life anymore (sharing responsibility). From now on, when you drink, I will leave the house until you are sober again.”
“I care for you and know how much stress you are under (understanding/positive statement), but I can't handle what's going on (“I” statement). I need to make some changes in my life (“I” statement). I just can't go on the way
we have been (sharing responsibility). Are you willing to help me (sharing responsibility)?”
“Our fights over drinking have upset this family long enough (sharing responsibility). I know it bothers you as much as it does me (understanding), and I'll do whatever it takes to help us (“I” statement/sharing responsibility). I love you and want to make a plan together to make our life happier (positive/sharing responsibility).”
“The bills keep piling up and I'm worried (“I” statement). What can we do (sharing responsibility)? I love you so much and I'm afraid for our future (positive/“I” statement).”
IMPORTANT! If your drinker responds to one of these new communications positively by acknowledging the problem and the need for change, this may be a good time to suggest seeing a therapist together. We'll talk more about how to approach the idea of treatment in the next chapter but, for now, keep in mind that any remorse on her part offers an excellent opportunity for you to broach the subject. If you do and she reacts negatively, drop it for now. There will be other opportunities—and more successful attempts.
Try It, You'll Like It
When all is said and done, you are asking yourself and your drinker to change the way the two of you live by changing day-to-day behavior. It can be scary—particularly for the person who is alcohol dependent and facing a future without his emotional crutch. Rather than trying to convince anyone to change something “forever,” ask for small, comfortable changes. Ask your drinker to consider not drinking this one visit from your parents or to commit only to coming home in time for dinner on Monday this week. Make it small to make it achievable. It will be easier to get a commitment that way, and the chances of that commitment being honored will be greater. Your task will be to ensure that following through on her promise is equal to or more rewarding than drinking.
Get Your Loved One Sober Page 14
