Have I added pleasurable activities to my own life so that I am not totally absorbed by the drinking problems?
Have I figured out when the best windows of opportunity to suggest treatment are and planned how I will use them?
Have I lined up a reasonable treatment option and made it available to my loved one?
Is there anything that I thought might help and I meant to do but didn't?
Can I see an attractive future with this person?
Once I get over missing my loved one, will a future without her bring me greater peace and happiness than one with her?
As you answer these questions, remember: You deserve to be happy. No one has to earn happiness by suffering. When you have done everything you can to improve life with your drinker and nothing has improved, it may be time to consider life without him. We know the pain that comes with thinking of giving up this relationship you have worked so very hard to preserve, but we also know the pain that comes with continuing to beat your head against a brick wall. We have seen it too often. When you have done everything you can, you owe it to yourself to turn your focus entirely on you and any other family members for whom you are responsible. You all deserve a life free of fear, free of anger, and free of alcohol. That life will be yours, either with your drinker or without. Your decision is the right one.
Action Summary
As you move forward, remember that the road we travel is a changing one. Sometimes it is smooth, and sometimes it is ravaged by potholes (lapses). Staying on course depends on your willingness to work around those obstacles. They are a natural part of this process and can actually make you stronger as you use them to figure out what went wrong and what went right. Moving toward your ultimate goal, the life you want to live with your loved one, is a meandering process. In many cases it is possible. And when it proves too difficult to achieve, you can turn off the road comfortable that you have done everything you can to keep the relationship together. In either case, you can create a life that feels right for you—with or without your drinker. You deserve it.
Recap
Lapses, or mistakes, are a natural part of life. Thus, they are to be expected in any change process.
High-risk situations are those circumstances in which lapses are more likely to occur.
By analyzing the circumstances in which lapses occur and problem-solving new means of handling those circumstances, you can use even periods of frequent lapsing to strengthen your ability to move toward your goals.
Kathy and Jim: Looking to the Future
Kathy was as nervous as she could ever imagine being when she and Jim went to see the psychologist. She was afraid the doctor would anger Jim by pushing too hard, or Jim would show up in one of his screw-the-world moods. By the time they got to the office, Kathy was wiping her sweaty palms on her slacks. “What's with you?” Jim wanted to know. Kathy replied that she so much wanted things to work out well for them that she was really nervous about the visit. She didn't want to upset him, she said. Jim patted her hand and reminded her that if he didn't like it, he knew he didn't have to go back, so no big deal.
The visit consisted of the psychologist asking Jim about his relationship with Kathy and what he liked and didn't like about the way they lived. She also asked him if he ever worried about his drinking and how he thought his life might be different if he drank less. At first, Jim was a little hesitant to speak but soon warmed up and really got into exploring things with the therapist. At the end of the session, he agreed to come back the following week to continue helping with “Kathy's” therapy.
That evening when Jim and Kathy met back at home after work, she thanked him again for coming and told Jim how much his participation meant to her. Jim felt pretty good about the situation; it had been a long time since he felt like he could contribute to Kathy's happiness. She was elated. She knew that the road ahead still held many potholes, but at last, she knew they were on the right road.
References
Ellis, B. H., I. McCan, G. Price, and C. M. Sewell. 1992. The New Mexico treatment outcome study: Evaluating the utility of existing information systems. Journal of Health Care for the Poor and Underserved 3, no. 1:138–50.
Johnson, V. E. 1986. Intervention: How to help those who don't want help. Minneapolis, Minn.: Johnson Institute.
Meyers, R. J., and J. E. Smith. 1995. Clinical guide to alcohol treatment: The community reinforcement approach. New York: Guilford Press.
Meyers, R. J., W. R. Miller, D. E. Hill, and J. S. Tonigan. 1999. Community reinforcement and family training (CRAFT): Engaging unmotivated drug users in treatment. Journal of Substance Abuse 10, no. 3:291–308.
Meyers, R. J., W. R. Miller, J. E. Smith, and J. S. Tonigan. 2002. A randomized trial of two methods for engaging treatment-refusing drug users through concerned significant others. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 70, no. 5:1182–85.
Miller, W. R., and R. K. Hester. 1986. Inpatient alcoholism treatment: Who benefits? American Psychologist 41:794–805.
Miller, W. R., R. J. Meyers, and J. S. Tonigan. 1999. Engaging the unmotivated in treatment for alcohol problems: A comparison of three intervention strategies. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 67, no. 5:688–97.
Nowinski, J. K. 1998. Family recovery and substance abuse: A twelve-step guide for treatment. Thousand Oaks, Calif.: Sage Publications.
About the Authors
Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D., is research associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico. He is also the associate director of the LifeLink Training Institute in Sante Fe, New Mexico. Dr. Meyers has worked in the substance abuse field for over twenty-seven years and has published several books and dozens of articles. He is well-known for his charismatic training and workshops on a variety of subjects. He is one of the originators of the Community Reinforcement Approach (CRA) for outpatient treatment and the creator of Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT).
Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist. In addition to her busy private practice, Dr. Wolfe is involved in research collaborations at the University of New Mexico, serves as a corporate consultant for the development of psychologically based services, and is active in various professional organizations. Her books and articles have appeared in both the popular and professional press.
Hazelden Publishing and Education Services is a division of the Hazelden Foundation, a not-for-profit organization. Since 1949, Hazelden has been a leader in promoting the dignity and treatment of people afflicted with the disease of chemical dependency.
The mission of the foundation is to improve the quality of life for individuals, families, and communities by providing a national continuum of information, education, and recovery services that are widely accessible; to advance the field through research and training; and to improve our quality and effectiveness through continuous improvement and innovation.
Stemming from that, the mission of the publishing division is to provide quality information and support to people wherever they may be in their personal journey—from education and early intervention, through treatment and recovery, to personal and spiritual growth.
Although our treatment programs do not necessarily use everything Hazelden publishes, our bibliotherapeutic materials support our mission and the Twelve Step philosophy upon which it is based. We encourage your comments and feedback.
The headquarters of the Hazelden Foundation are in Center City, Minnesota. Additional treatment facilities are located in Chicago, Illinois; New York, New York; Plymouth, Minnesota; St. Paul, Minnesota; and West Palm Beach, Florida. At these sites, we provide a continuum of care for men and women of all ages. Our Plymouth facility is designed specifically for youth and families.
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