by Lily Morton
“Then who?” Recognition dawns. “Mick! You’re on about Mick?”
She lowers her voice. “Is he the cute beefy one sitting with Bram?”
“Yes, he’s one of his best friends. He’s known him since school.”
“Yes. I like a chunky man. They don’t bother about my wobbly bits and bigger men are demons in the sack Alys.”
“Really?”
She smiles with a faraway look in her eye. “I shit you not. Take my word for it.”
“Take your word for what?” I jump at Mick’s voice and twist to see that they’ve walked up behind us while we were talking. But Elen merely smiles a particularly sphinx like smile.
“I was just telling Alys here the benefits of having a bigger man in bed,” she says coquettishly and he beams.
“From your lips to God’s ear babe. You must have been listening to tales about me.”
“Not so far,” she purrs. “But I’m open to more discussion.”
He gapes at her for a second and then throws his head back laughing. “Let’s get you a drink then Elen. You’ll look after Daisy for a second won’t you Alys?” he murmurs, and they vanish towards the house without another word.
Silence falls for a second and I’m aware of Bram burning a hole in the side of my face with his stare. I sincerely hope he didn’t hear me discussing him but that hope is forlorn when he chuckles and throws his arm around my shoulder. “So I’m blessed in the prettiness department then Alys? Good to know.” He pauses. “As is the fact that I have the staying power of an amoeba.”
“Oh God,” I moan. “Kill me now.”
He laughs loudly throwing his head back. “No need to call him for your god of the bedroom is here. The seducer of lots of very naughty, naked ladies.” He pauses. “Although I’ve got a far bigger cock than an amoeba.”
He laughs again but stops abruptly when a small voice comes from below. “What’s a cock?”
“Erm,” Bram stutters. “Erm.” He pauses, obviously hoping for Daisy to get distracted but he doesn’t know children at all if he thinks that’s going to work, and true to form Daisy just stares unblinkingly at him like a little blonde bush baby. Silence stretches for a second while I valiantly try not to laugh out loud and ignore Bram’s pleading stare. “Erm,” he says again and she rolls her eyes looking like a startling replica of her mother when she looks at men for a second.
“It’s okay if you don’t know,” she finally mutters, looking at him as if he’s mentally lacking. He smiles in relief but it stutters when she whips back. “Is your house very warm Bram?”
“Why?”
“All those naked ladies in it.” She stops to think. “I didn’t see them though. Where do you keep them? Have you got a special room for them? Can they wear socks because I don’t like my bare feet on the carpet?”
For a second he looks like he might be sick but then inspiration obviously comes to him and he looks down at her. “Shall we go on the trampoline?”
Instantly she’s diverted and squeals with pleasure while he does a triumphant fist bump. I catch his arm. “Haven’t you been drinking?”
“Yeah why?” he asks in confusion.
“Well be careful on there. She’s small but she’s a dead weight when she throws herself at your legs.”
“Alys,” he scoffs, removing my hand in a lordly fashion. “I have been on more trampolines than you’ve had hot dinners. I really don’t think that there’s anything you can tell me that I do not know about bouncing around while drunk.”
Ten minutes later Charlie wanders over with Mabe on his arm to where I’m sitting at a table with Bram holding an ice pack to his head.
“What the fuck?” he asks and then winces when Mabe pinches him and nods to Daisy who is sitting innocently on Elen’s lap helping herself to popcorn from a bag that Mick is holding for her. “Sorry,” he mutters.
“Oh don’t apologise,” Bram huffs. “That child is the spawn of Satan.”
Daisy laughs merrily, showing a mouth full of popcorn.
“What’s she done?” Mabe asks sitting down on the chair that Charlie pulls out for her and then frowning at him as he takes a seat on the other side of the table away from her.
Bram ignores the byplay, gripping my hand tightly to his face. “She did the grip of death,” he mutters. “Alys for goodness sake it’s not ‘The Cube’. Surely you can manage to hold a bag of ice in one place for more than two seconds. You’ve got a grip that’s shakier than an alcoholic.”
I smile at the crosspatch and then let out a peal of laughter. “Oh my God it was hilarious. He’d just made the most pompous speech in history about how much he knows about trampolining. Gets up on the trampoline and then not even twenty seconds later she grabs his knees and he does a header over the side into a bush.”
Everyone breaks into laughter and Bram moans piteously. “I’ll be picking brambles out of my bum for the next week.”
Daisy laughs uproariously. “Bum,” she shouts. “Bum for a week.”
Matt chooses that moment to come up behind her. “Now that’s my type of itinerary,” he laughs but Bram tuts disapprovingly at him.
“Not in front of children,” he says piously.
I snort. “Bram you said every swear word in creation while we were helping you out of that bush.”
“That’s different,” he says primly. “I was in a lot of pain. That bush hurt.”
Charlie smirks. “First time you’ve ever been hurt coming out of a bush.”
The two men laugh as Daisy chatters obliviously. “I don’t know,” Bram finally says sharing a look with Charlie. “Remember Berlin.”
The two men laugh but I catch a look of pain cross Mabe’s face, but it passes so quickly I’m not even sure that I saw it and when the men turn back she’s smiling brightly.
“How’s Rob?” I ask her and she grimaces.
“We’re not together anymore. Nude photos and sext messages tend to put a dampener on any relationship.”
Charlie stirs. “I should have hit him harder,” he says morosely.
Matt settles next to me and looks at Bram. “You’ll live,” he says dismissively.
Bram removes the ice pack dramatically. “Yes but will I ever be beautiful again?”
Matt laughs. “Your face is intact, Helen of Troy.”
I reach over and mop up the pool of water on the table fussily. “You’re so anal,” Bram smiles.
“What’s anal?” Daisy’s loud question breaks through the conversation like a torpedo, creating a stunned silence.
I look around and sigh as the men look like stunned rabbits. Reaching over I pat her hand. “Something only for birthdays and Christmas when you’re very old.”
There’s a stunned silence and then Bram breaks into peals of laughter. Daisy oblivious reaches over and pats his arm. “You’re a big poo poo head,” she confides to him and chuckles.
Bram laughs and clutches his chest. “Sweetheart the only girl that I want to impress and that’s your summing up of me. I’ll never recover.”
Elen smiles. “I’m sure you’ll live but just to make sure we promise not to let your fan club know.” She brandishes Daisy’s coat and hat. “Come on monkey nut. Time to go home.”
Daisy pouts but it’s half-hearted at best as she’s flagging now. She reaches her little arms out to Bram imperiously. “Will you carry me out?”
Bram drops his ice immediately. “Of course I will miurnin.” He hoists her up where she clings like a monkey. He looks at Elen. “How are you getting home? Shall I call you a taxi?”
Mick stands up checking his phone. “No need mate we’re sharing a taxi. They’ve just texted to let us know they’re outside.”
Charlie, Bram and Matt look at him with almost identical looks. The look acknowledges that they’re not going to say anything now because they don’t want to embarrass Elen, but it promises retribution and huge amounts of piss taking when he’s alone with them. As one they smile evilly and Matt laughs loudly.
I look at her and then take a second look because she seems familiar and I can’t place her. She’s utterly stunning, very slim with masses of jet-black inky hair, warm olive skin and slumberous brown eyes which are currently locked on Charlie. Suddenly it clicks where I’ve seen her. It was in a magazine that I was reading at the hairdressers the other day.
“Isn’t she some Spanish supermodel?” I murmur to Matt, watching as she leans into Charlie asking for a light for the cigarette that she’s proffering.
“Yeah, Noa something or other. He’s been seeing her for a few weeks,” he replies as Charlie holds out his Zippo to the supermodel, smiling lazily at her as she leans closer to the flame and offers a flirtatious smile at him. Charlie instantly stands up and wanders away from the table with her clinging to his arm. I’m not sure why it surprises me that he’s been seeing her but I’d been so sure that he was interested in Mabe that it takes me aback.
I look at Matt but he’s staring after Charlie with a hard look on his face. Then he turns back to look at Mabe his face softening at the look of devastation on her face, but she shakes her head at him and he subsides without saying anything.
“Fucking hell this looks like a party for the Amish.” Bram says as he suddenly appears and then frowns. “What the fuck happened to you lot? I’ve only been gone five minutes.” Matt shakes his head at him and looking around he catches sight of Charlie and then sneaks a look at Mabe quickly and sympathetically. Then he places a chilled bottle of vodka on the table with a flourish and produces some shot glasses from his back pockets. Looking around he grins lopsidedly. “Shots bitches.”
“Who are you calling a bitch?” Seth’s deep voice sounds from behind him and he appears with Viv at his side. He looks a little more unkempt than usual and when he lists slightly I can see it’s because he’s quite drunk.
Bram smirks at him and then makes a production of looking behind him. “Hi Mrs M,” he shouts and Seth flinches and ducks before looking over his shoulder. “Bastard,” he mutters as everyone laughs.
“Sit your ass down,” Bram commands and fills the glasses. Handing me mine he taps the glass with his own. “Slainte,” he says challengingly and I smile and mutter slainte back before slamming the shot down.
Twenty minutes later I’m feeling no pain and I don’t think anyone else is either. “Fuck,” Bram shudders and wipes his hand over his mouth.
“I know,” I slur, leaning on him.
“You pissed babe?” he laughs, brushing my hair back.
Seth laughs. “I know I am.”
Bram smirks at him. “What happened to you? You’ve usually got the alcohol tolerance level of a giant elephant.”
Viv laughs. “He’s been drinking since lunchtime.”
Matt laughs. “Who with?”
“Some guys from back home,” Seth says lighting a cigarette, his well-formed lips pursed as he blows the smoke into the air.
“Tempted to go back?” Viv asks lightly but he stares intently at her for a second.
“Fuck no,” he finally says deeply. “I’ve got no reason to go back and every reason to be here.” For a second she seems to fall into him but then Charlie wanders up supermodel less and I see him sigh as the moment is lost.
“Where’s your Spanish bird?” Bram asks handing him a shot.
He downs it quickly and then staggers slightly catching his hand on Mabe’s shoulder. It’s obviously a familiar gesture to both of them but to my surprise she stands up knocking his hand away and grabbing her jacket.
“Mabe,” he says haltingly but he doesn’t move quickly enough and she’s gone in a swirl of pink and with a wave of her hand at everyone. Viv dashes after her while Charlie stares after her and Seth looks hard at him.
“Aren’t you going after her Charlie?”
He looks at Seth and then slumps. “No.”
“No?”
Charlie looks at him. “I can’t not tonight. It’s too near the surface tonight. I can’t be with her when I feel like this.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about but Seth, Bram and Matt seem to and for a second silence falls and then Bram stirs and pushes a chair out.
“Sit down son and let’s drink eh?”
Charlie slumps faintly and then sits down accepting the glass that Bram hands him and shooting it down. Obviously looking for a distraction Bram’s eye falls on me and Matt sniggers as I look to him for help. “Alys,” Bram says silkily. “Let’s return to that very interesting discussion we were having about the hordes of naked women roaming my apartment.”
I squirm. “I didn’t say it like that.” Seth and Charlie laugh loudly, good humour restored. “No, I really didn’t. It’s not my fault that you have commitment problems.”
“Me?” Bram presses his hand to his chest and does his best to look injured.
“Yes you. Bram you get nervous if you go over the sell by date on a piece of steak because it means it’s stopped in your house for too long.”
Seth laughs and Bram turns to him. “You know everyone else heard her say blah blah blah, but what I actually heard was her talking about my meat again.”
I gasp in indignation while Charlie roars with laughter. “Mate you’re so commitment phobic you can’t even finish a film.”
“I can too. I sat through ‘Dirty Dancing’ when we were at school and dating those twins.”
“Mate you went to sleep half way through. You didn’t even stay awake for the wet t-shirt in the lake.”
“You know women remember that scene so differently from you,” I marvel. “To them it’s a tender scene indicating the building trust and budding love between the two main characters, but to you it’s just …”
“Wet tits!” they shout loudly and clink glasses while Matt rolls his eyes.
Finally Bram settles. “That scene was bullshit anyway. Only way that fucking lift worked was because Jennifer Grey was the size of a small child.”
“Bullshit,” Charlie says loudly. “It’s all about weight distribution and height differentiation.”
Bram waves his arms wildly as he’s prone to do when swept up by what is usually a bad idea. “Okay prove it.”
“How?” Charlie slurs.
Bram stands up. “Easy. I’ll run at you and you catch me and lift me over your head.”
“Done.” Charlie stands up.
“But you have to hold me over your head,” Bram insists very seriously. “Otherwise the bet’s off.”
Charlie smirks. “Oh son we’re betting now? Okay. I hold your lanky Irish arse over my head for what?”
“Ten seconds.”
“Okay ten seconds and I’ll get what?”
Bram thinks hard. “Your Ducati,” Seth offers and Bram glares at him.
“Fuck Seth, shut up.”
“Backing out Jennifer?” Charlie sneers.
“No I’m fucking not.” He straightens up. “Okay you get my Ducati and I’ll get your Porsche if you drop me?”
Charlie spits on his hand. “Done.”
Bram makes a moue of disgust. “Why do people do that?” but then shrugs and they shake.
I stir. “I’m not sure that this is a good idea,” I begin to say before being hushed by all the men even Matty who looks transported by the idea of doing something really stupid.
“Hush it mother!” Bram waves his hand at me and I subside, watching the two walk onto an empty stretch of patio.
“Okay?” Charlie stretches himself while Bram jogs on the spot for a second and I can’t help but laugh because they look so ridiculous.
Bram glares crossly at me. “Alys this is serious business. Now stand up and cheer for me.”
“Come on Jennifer,” Charlie calls, gesturing insultingly at him.
Bram starts to run and t
hen stops abruptly and everyone stares. “What’s wrong?” Seth asks his voice trembling with laughter.
“I can’t do this without the music,” Bram says solemnly. “And I’m not Jennifer. I’m Baby.”
“Jesus Christ Almighty!” Matt thunks his head down on the table and bangs it a few times for good measure as Charlie starts warbling in an alarmingly high voice ‘Now I’ve had the Time of my Life’.
Bram starts to run and I stand up. “Stop!” He slides to a stop and stares at me.
“What?” he asks breathlessly.
“That’s not the song,” I finally say apologetically. They all stare at me flabbergasted as if I’ve interrupted an Olympic medal trial. “It was ‘Hey Baby’ on the log and then in the lake it was just the instrumental of ‘I’ve Had the Time of My Life’,” I finally say.
“Really?” Charlie asks disbelievingly.
“No she’s right,” Bram offers.
“You don’t know. You were fucking snoring at that point. Lana had to wake you up.”
“Just hum it or we’ll be here all night,” Matt sighs.
From then on it seems to happen in slow motion as Bram darts at Charlie and is lifted triumphantly over his head to a falsetto humming version of the ‘Dirty Dancing’ classic. For a second he stays there and Charlie exclaims triumphantly. I’m sure I hear the words ‘Ducati’ muttered by Charlie, but then he loses his grip and Bram, or Baby, sails majestically over his head to land with a crash on the patio.
“Oh dear,” I say breathlessly but it’s hard to be serious when four grown men are laughing like donkeys.
Bram lifts a face of laughter up from his sprawled position. “You owe me that lovely Porsche,” he croons triumphantly. “I knew it was only possible for small children or oompa loompas.” Then he winces. “Think Alys might have to take me to the hospital though.”
“Why?” everyone asks and I notice that he’s holding his right arm.
He looks sheepishly at me. “I think that I’ve broken my arm.”
Everyone exclaims in horror or tries to. It’s a bit hard to do that when you’re laughing hysterically but the men manage it. Finally I push my way through. “For goodness sake,” I chide, looking at his arm. “Have you really broken it?”
