by Lily Morton
“What?”
He looks back at me deliberately. “When I fucked them I thought of you. I pretended that they were you.”
I gasp. “And the women on tour?”
“I haven’t touched them.” He takes a deep breath. “I swear to you a ghrá on everything that I value, and by the way that’s you, I haven’t slept with anyone.”
I don’t know what to think because this doesn’t sound like something friends say to one another. I don’t know what he’s thinking and that’s an alien concept to me. Does he want me for good or for a while? I’m afraid to get my hopes up again and I’m so confused.
My thoughts are interrupted as the car that’s been idling at the kerb all this time toots its horn. Bram looks at his watch and sighs. “Shit, I’ve got to go. The plane will have refuelled and we’ll miss our take off time if I’m late.”
“But Bram surely you didn’t come back just to see me?” I gasp. “Oh my God this hasn’t interrupted the tour has it?”
He smiles. “I’d travel a lot further for less time with you love. I’d also happily interrupt this fucking tour that’s keeping me from you, but no it’s a rest day today. The others are out and about in Amsterdam.” He pulls me to him again pressing his lips to my forehead and inhaling as if smelling my hair. He holds me tightly as if I’m going to escape. “Please read the emails and reply,” he whispers into my good ear. “And be my good girl yeah?”
And then he’s gone and I’m left with the scent of him on me and a box with some very expensive electronic equipment.
The emails start that night.
Chapter Fifteen
From: Bram O’Connell
To: Alys O’Neill
Subject: Start of a LONG Correspondence
Alys
I can’t tell you how good it was to see you today and to know that we’re talking again. On the flight back I could smell your perfume on my clothes and it made me feel calm. I’ve missed you so much these last few weeks that just knowing you’re on the end of the phone or a text makes me happy.
Will you try to write to me every day? I know that you’re busy and tired but just hearing from you lifts my day and I hope that my writing does the same to you.
I think if we can’t see each other like we used to then maybe in this time apart we could get to know each other better. So how about we tell each other a fact about ourselves every time we write? However, it can’t be boring stuff - it has to be something that is personal, that no one knows, a secret between the two of us.
So, in the spirit of honesty I’m going to tell you how I lost my virginity. The story is that it was with a girl in my class that I was going out with, but that’s just an urban myth! The truth is that I was 15 and she was a 32 year old neighbour of my aunt and uncle whose husband worked on the oil rigs. That sounds like a plot for a porno but the reality is a lot more hum drum, in that it was over so quickly that if she’d had a stop watch she wouldn’t even have had time to switch it on. In my defence she was really hot and I got better at it until the night that her husband came home unexpectedly and I had to climb naked out of her bedroom window.
I’m actually now thinking that this subject might backfire on me because the mere thought of some bloke sticking his cock in you makes me want to do violence, so when you write back tell me something else that’s personal.
In the spirit of my newly uncovered jealousy please pay attention to your song from me. The lyrics are apt.
Write back and tell me your news. All of your news! I know that you’ll be thinking is this boring for him to read? Simple answer – no, not if it’s you that’s doing the telling.
Also, try to eat some food. You looked too thin today. I want to see you healthy when I come home.
Bram
Your song from me is: ‘She Don’t Let Nobody’ by Chaka Demus & Pliers
From: Alys O’Neill
To: Bram O’Connell
Subject: Doing My Bit
Bram
I missed you too - so much, and if I didn’t say it yesterday I was so glad to see you.
Thank you for sharing your lovely virginity story. The emotion and sentiment brought tears to my eyes! I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to hear about who I lost my virginity to when it was you!
Ha! Only joking and wondering if you had a fit at the last sentence. If I can’t tell you my virginity story how about our worst fears? Mine are:
Spiders - I hate hearing their tiny feet pattering on the ceiling
Enclosed spaces – obviously!
People’s feet - I seriously hate them and I can’t even stand to touch them. I think it’s the toe nails!
Interesting song choice - cheeky and yet so very you! The only trouble is that I’m unsure where you’re going with this thing between us. Do you not want me and yet don’t want anyone else to have me, or do you actually want something more? I just can’t tell anymore but in the spirit of our agreement your song is below.
My appetite is back again you will be relieved to hear, but if you can ask me to eat then I can ask you to do the same, and also to be careful. When you’re drunk you get very lippy and have no concept of personal safety.
Alys
Your song from me is: ‘Be My Baby’ by Vanessa Paradis
From: Bram O’Connell
To: Alys O’Neill
Subject: Spider Concerns
Alys
Thank you for that virginity shock. You’ll be glad to know that I had just taken a mouthful of beer and I spat it out over my laptop. Now the keys are very sticky (or more than normal)
That is a very interesting list of fears. I did not know that London had been infested with mutant spiders whose feet had grown to elephant size. My fears are:
Clowns – I’ve hated those fuckers since Charlie made Sid and I watch ‘It’. It’s the dead looking face and the big shoes. Maybe the clowns are borrowing them from your spiders!
Asking directions – I detest this, not because I’m macho, but because I can’t process fucking directions. I’ll get to ‘take your first turn left’ and then all I hear is blah blah blah!
Not being enough for somebody – bit of a downshift in mood but this is my biggest fear. I hate the thought of letting somebody down or not being able to give them what they need. It’s one of the reasons that I have stayed single for so long.
I would very much like to discuss where I see us going but I don’t think that you’re ready for that conversation yet, and I also really don’t want to have this discussion in an email. Please trust me and let me for once lead you a little and make things better. In this spirit please see your song choice.
I am being very careful now. Today I made Matty walk on the road side of the pavement and go before me down the stairs. He has taken to calling me Princess Diana.
Write back soon
Bram
Your song from me is: ‘Could It Be Forever?’ by David Cassidy
From: Alys O’Neill
To: Bram O’Connell
Subject: Night Work and Sexual Health (I knew that would get your attention)
Your Royal Highness
I have just started doing nights again with my mentor so you might get my replies at odd times. I’m writing this in the early hours in the staffroom while I mainline coffee. I’m at St Barts Hospital in Smithfield for the first time. It’s huge and a little scary to start work at somewhere like this but Elen is on the same posting.
Did I tell you that I’m thinking of specialising in neonatal intensive care? It’s the section of nursing that I love best so far. It’s hard and intense but makes you feel so involved. I like the idea of being helpful, not only to the children but also to the families concerned.
Barts also has a centre for sexual health conditions so I’ll know where to point you when you get home – only kidding!
Hmm, we’ve covered fears. I’m not sure how you can fear letting people down Bram because you’re so attuned to people’s emotions and you really care.
And if you do let them down then so what! We all let people down at times. We’re human and it’s how we say sorry that counts.
On a lighter note what about our favourite things? Mine are:
Getting into a bed with clean sheets when you’re really tired – it’s that feeling of aah when you slide in and the sheets are all crisp and cold. You can tell that I’m on nights eh? I’m already thinking about bed!
The beach on a windy, wild day – it has to be wild. There’s just something about the wind blowing my hair back and seeing the waves crash onto the beach that makes me feel alive.
You – it sounds schmaltzy but I’m happiest when I’m with you.
I take your previous song choice and raise you mine. See below.
Yours yawning
Alys
Your song from me is: ‘I Second That Emotion’ by Diana Ross and the Supremes with The Temptations
From: Bram O’Connell
To: Alys O’Neill
Subject: Concerns That May Need Money to Fix (yeah that got your attention too)
Alys
Wow St Barts – isn’t it kind of rough around there and what time of the night are you finishing? Worried minds want to know!
Neonatal intensive care eh? I think you’ll be amazing at that because you have a very warm, caring air about you, but I might be biased because I think that you’ll be an amazing nurse regardless of what you specialise in.
Thank you for the concern about my sexual health but please dismiss your fears. I have been celibate since the night that I made you leave. If there’s anything to be worried about it would be my balls exploding from the huge back up of sperm.
I like your favourite things - particularly number three. My favourite things are:
The smell of fresh bread and coffee – it never fails to make me happy and reminds me of being little and at home. My Ma’s kitchen always smelt of these things in the morning and I remember eating a bowl of hot porridge with golden syrup and watching her bustle about. It made me feel safe and warm like we were in our own little bubble.
Making people laugh – I love this feeling and everyone has different laughs. Charlie’s is a cool laugh but he looks cool doing everything. Sid’s laugh is a silent one where his cheeks crease and his whole body vibrates. Matty laughs with his whole body, and Seth has a deep, booming chuckle that seems to come from deep in his chest. My favourite laugh however is yours. Your whole face lights up and I see the laugh start in your eyes and then this throaty sound comes out that makes me smile and my spine tingle.
You – I’m copying you but sue me! I love your beautiful face and body; the way that you care about people; your fierce intelligence and drive to succeed; and the way that you’ve overcome so much without feeling sorry for yourself. You show others so much concern but never think that your problems warrant it. I’m also very partial to your pussy. It’s my favourite pussy because it’s plush and pink and smells sweet like honey and come.
My song for you is below. I think it sums you up
Make sure that you sleep properly and take care when you leave. Don’t wander around on your own – I MEAN IT!
Yours a little worried
Bram
Your song from me is: ‘Cry To Be Found’ by Del Amitri
From: Alys O’Neill
To: Bram O’Connell
Subject: Overstepping
Bram
I understood that you were concerned when you used the shouty capitals but I think it sank in a little bit more when our ‘driver’ arrived to pick Elen and I up and deliver us to the hospital. I think it fully sank in when I realised that the poor man was expecting to wait outside and take us home again when our shift finished!
Do you think that we should talk about your little overprotective problem and the way that you are spending money on me at the moment? Talking of this please see your song choice below.
On a plus note Mick nearly choked inhaling his shepherd’s pie when this big man with a chauffeur’s uniform and cap appeared in his kitchen!
Thank you for your list of favourite things. You have devoted way too much time to thinking about the positive merits of my pussy. She’s starting to feel objectified and my clit is sulking!
Okay, we’ve done favourites and fears and it’s late and I’m tired so how about a defining moment in our lives. Mine is how my claustrophobia started. I told you that it wasn’t anything to do with my time in care, do you remember? However, I lied. My claustrophobia dates from a couple that used to foster me. One night I answered back when he wouldn’t give me my dinner. They used to use withholding food as a way of control and I was bolshy even then. His reaction was to lock me in a cupboard for 24 hours. I wasn’t allowed out and I wet myself. I remember the fear and the shame very clearly even today.
Yours
Alys
Your song from me is: ‘My Love Don’t Cost a Thing’ by Jennifer Lopez
From: Bram O’Connell
To: Alys O’Neill
Subject: Red with Rage
Alys
What was his fucking name?
Bram
From: Alys O’Neill
To: Bram O’Connell
Subject: Chill Out
Bram
Calm down. I can practically see the steam coming out of your ears. Luckily for him they are both dead now. Did I ever tell you that I secretly love the way that you are protective of me? I may grumble but it’s like the comforting touch of our eiderdown when I snuggle into it to know that I have someone on my side.
Alys
Your song from me is: ‘Into Your Arms’ by The Lemonheads
From: Bram O’Connell
To: Alys O’Neill
Subject: Your Side
Alys
I am always on your side and that will never change. It’s also a good thing that the fucker is dead. There are a lot of people who are left in charge of kids that shouldn’t be left in charge of a hamster.
Okay due to my high blood pressure we never got round to my defining moment. I suppose the real one is my mum making me go to live with my aunt and uncle. My uncle was a very hard man. He never liked me and he used to hit me and throw me out of the house a lot. However, once my arse was over the doorstep and into the street he would never let me back in even if it was night time.
I used to sleep on park benches because I couldn’t bear to ask someone for help and have them say no or pity me. I felt this because the first time that it happened I went to their neighbour – you remember her? Anyway she rang my uncle. I’m sure that she thought she was doing the right thing but the result wasn’t pretty – remember the broken collarbone? So, you can imagine a park bench was preferable to relying on anyone.
One night a bloke tried it on with me. He grabbed me really hard and got on top of me and I was so scared that I wet myself. That was the night I went to Matt. He never asked any questions, just got me clean clothes and made a bed on the floor, and after that he used to leave his window open for me so that I could crawl in. He could have got into real trouble with his parents because they were exceptionally strict, but he treated it as if it was totally normal and he was just happy to have a sleepover. He laid that bed out every night for years whether I turned up or not and he never told a soul about it.
That’s why I would never turn my back on him because he never did with me. I could never understand why he was so reluctant to tell me that he was gay. He could have told me that he was a murderer and I would have just shrugged. On the plus side my uncle actually gave me Matt which is one of the best illustrations of making lemonade when given lemons.
I’m replying to your concerns about my pending penury through spending too much money on you with my song. See below.
Your Bram
Your song from me is: ‘Forever in Blue Jeans’ by Neil Diamond
From: Alys O’Neill
To: Bram O’Connell
Subject: Matty is Mine
Bram
I hated to hear
that story but is it wrong for me to love Matt so much? He really is one of the best people in your world and I’m so pleased that you have him.
How about worst faults? I have a fair few but I’ll put some more paper in the printer if I’m going to be printing your reply! Mine are:
Pride – I won’t show when I’m hurt or when I want something in case it’s used against me. I find it very difficult to ask for help. The flip side of this is that I can seem cold but I’m not at all. It’s just the way that I’ve always had to be.
Jumping to conclusions – I do this a lot and I shouldn’t. What I should do is step back a bit and think, rather than make snap judgements about people. I made them about you and I was wrong all the way through.
These two faults led to me making the biggest mistake of my life on the night that we slept together. I made a snap judgement about you and jumped to the conclusion that you didn’t want more with me, and then my pride kicked in because I couldn’t let you see how hurt I was by that.
I think it’s time to be honest and I want you to know that our night together was the best of my life and if you had offered more I would have jumped at it like a shot. It meant everything to me and I wish that I had just let you talk. Maybe you would have said differently to what I thought but then again maybe you wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter now but I wanted you to know that you mean something to me and listen to the words of my song because it concerns that night.
Your apologetic Alys
Your song from me is: ‘About You Now’ by Sugababes
From: Bram O’Connell
To: Alys O’Neill
Subject: Not Yet
A ghrá
Thank you for saying that. You have no idea how much that means to me. I wish that you had said something because the whole morning would have turned out differently. Firstly I would have taken you back to bed and loved on you hard. Secondly … well secondly I’ll leave until I see you again and then we can talk about this.
