by Ford, Mia
“Oh, sorry, let me take that from you.” Cooper tries to grab the picture but my fingers curl tighter around it. I can’t let go, this is further evidence that what we just did should not have happened. “Lexi?”
“Is that… your wife?” I rasp out. “In this picture.”
Redness licks his cheeks. “Yes, that was my wife. I’m sorry, I know it’s a bit strange…”
“Why is it strange?” I need to know what he knows to work out what this is.
“Well, because I suppose she looks a bit like you.”
“A bit? She’s fucking identical to me.”
“I don’t know about…”
“This is Nora fucking Williams, isn’t it? The woman that you were married to? She was killed, wasn’t she? In a car accident about six months ago.” His eyes widen in shock. “This is my God damn cousin!”
The whole world comes to a standstill, aside from mine and Cooper’s ragged breaths. Everything is magnified about a million percent, neither of us can believe what’s just happened. We overstepped that line before we even knew. I mean, how is it even possible that we didn’t know this?
“Nora… is your cousin. That’s why… you look like her and Aubrey thought…”
“Oh my God, Aubrey. That little girl of yours. She called me Mommy.”
“But how… how have we never met before? The wedding?”
“I didn’t go to the wedding because of Trent. He caused too much drama… the family all fell out with me.”
“And the funeral. I didn’t see you at the funeral.”
“Same reason. I was out of the loop then, I barely knew what to do. I thought my presence would just upset everyone even more. Anyway, I don’t even know why I’m explaining this to you.”
“No, no, I know. It’s irrelevant.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry.”
“This is why… why I thought I sort of knew you when I first saw you. I saw pictures years ago.”
Sickness swirls in my stomach, I want to let some of it loose, to throw up in sheer disgust. This is horrible, this was never supposed to happen. My head is spinning wildly and out of control.
“What do we do?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug helplessly. “This is…”
“I need to leave. I have to get out of here, this is all too much.” I grab my bag and storm towards the door, but Cooper grabs hold of me. “No, I can’t be around here, I can’t be near you.”
“This doesn’t have to…”
“End things? Yes, it does. We need to forget that even happened.”
“Forget it? Lexi, we can’t turn our backs on…”
“Don’t be an idiot, Cooper. I can’t believe you’re even seriously considering this.”
“Because there’s something here.”
“It doesn’t matter. You were married to my cousin.”
“I don’t want you to leave.”
I stare at him for a moment, trying to communicate just how wrong this is because apparently, he doesn’t get it, but in the end, I’m forced to drag my eyes away. Looking at him is like staring into the sun, the rays hurt my eyes. I knew this wasn’t right because he’s my boss and I’m supposed to be staying away from guys, but now it’s even worse. He was the man who was married to my lovely cousin before she got killed.
I hate myself. I hate myself more than I ever thought possible. I’m utterly ashamed. I need to climb into bed, to weep pathetically until I have no more tears left inside, then I need to pick myself up and start again. I won’t allow this one set back to destroy me. I’ve done so well, I’ve come so far, I need to continue.
“Cooper, I can’t be here, you know that as well as I do. I want to keep working for you, which means we need to forget this ever happened. We can’t even think of it again. Okay?”
His face falls, he looks like I’ve punched him in the stomach, but thankfully, he agrees.
“Sure, okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Tomorrow. Right, of course. Yes, I’ll see you then.”
My heart shatters as I turn away from him, this hurts more than it should, but I have to keep moving. Keeping my life on track is the only thing that matters right now.
11
Cooper
“What the fuck?” My head falls into my hands, I slump on my chair, despair running through me. “What the actual fuck? How did that even happen? How is that even possible? The world isn’t that small…”
But apparently, it is. As I look at the picture of me and Nora, it really is obvious. How did I not see it? It’s so clear that Lexi is related to Nora, she looks too much like her to be just another person. I was so blinded by her beauty, by the way that she reminded me of my wife, that now I’m just stuck, lost.
“No wonder Aubrey said that, poor girl must be so confused.”
Thank goodness it’s the end of the day and I can go home. The yearning to see my daughter is stronger than ever. I need to get back home and to hold her in my arms, to press her to my chest, to know that everything is going to be okay. Right now, there isn’t anyone else in the world who can reassure me like she does.
I rise from my chair, place the picture delicately back on my desk and I walk out of the office. My eyes remain fixed on the floor, I can barely look around at the business I created with my wife’s help. Knowing what I just did in the office in which I often worked with her makes me feel ill.
It was wrong anyway, it shouldn’t have happened regardless, but with Lexi it’s even worse. She’s too close to Nora, a member of her fucking family. I have to be the worst person in the world.
I vaguely remember hearing a bit about a cousin with a terrible boyfriend, but not much. Nora was so close to her sister Cassie that I didn’t really hear about anyone else. Or maybe I wasn’t listening. With Nora, I did always have the tendency to be a little distracted with work when she spoke. Something that I regret more than ever before now. There are so many damn things that I should have done differently.
Stepping into the car with all of this circling through my mind makes it hard to bring the car engine to life. Knowing that this is the way Nora died makes it that much more painful. To try and get over this moment, I do something I did in the early days, and I imagine Nora is sitting besides me.
“Hey, you.” I picture her smile flooding towards me. “You’re all tense today.”
“Yeah, well wouldn’t you be?” Thank goodness it’s dark so no one can see me talking to myself.
“I suppose so. But then you are extra hard on yourself, aren’t you?”
“No, I don’t think I’m being too hard on myself. Not with this. I’ve been a massive dick.”
“Why?” The image of her is so strong I can almost picture her leaning in. “What have you done wrong?”
“Well, since you aren’t real and you’re just a projection of my self-conscience, I’m going to guess that I don’t actually need to answer that. You know exactly what I’ve done.”
“You’ve started to fall for my cousin. Well, if anything that’s a little flattering.”
“Fall for? No, that’s not it at all. She’s just… I don’t know.”
“You like her. We both know that you do. You like her a lot actually.”
“I don’t know about that. And it sure as hell isn’t something you should be flattered by. You should be yelling.”
“Why would I yell? I’m not around anymore. You should be happy, Coops.”
Hearing the word ‘Coops’ from the imaginary version of my wife is too much to handle. It makes my heart flutter all weirdly. I want to reach out and touch her… but of course, I can’t. She isn’t here anymore.
“Why should I be happy, Nora? That’s your cousin. It’s all kinds of wrong.”
“Why? I don’t understand why that’s wrong.”
“Stop letting me get away with it, Nora. I need to hear you yelling at me.”
“Coops, I want you to be happy. It doesn’t matter who you find happines
s with.”
“Even Lexi? Even your cousin? Come on, Nora, that’s insane.”
“It honestly doesn’t matter who. If you were gone, you would want me to be happy.”
“Yeah, but I can’t really compare because I don’t have any cousins.”
“But you would want me to find happiness, and that’s what I want for you.”
“Urgh.” I groan and shake my head. “I don’t know, Nora, I don’t know what I think anymore.”
“Look into your heart. Do you miss her already? Do you wish she hadn’t stormed off?”
“Of course I wish it hadn’t gone that way. I really like her, Nora, even if I shouldn’t.”
“But who cares what anyone else thinks. This isn’t for anyone but you.”
I allow the image of her to vanish because I need to be by myself for a moment. I know those words were all mine, but I heard them coming from Nora’s mouth, which makes them a lot easier to handle. I can drink them in more and really listen to them. It’s probably just what I want to hear, but it’s nice all the same. Then again, I do know Nora well, I do honestly believe that’s what she would feel. I don’t know if she’d want me to be with her cousin exactly, but I know that she wouldn’t want me to sit around miserably forever.
I pull up outside my house and slide my eyes closed for a moment, adjusting to something new. I need to put a pin in that for a moment because for now, it’ll be all about Aubrey. I don’t have much time to spend with her, I’ve missed dinner time but I can be around to tuck her into bed. I’m still keeping my promise.
“Right, come on, Cooper.” Still, I’m talking to myself. “Think about it later. It’s fine.”
My steps towards the house are slow, but my breaths are fast. I need to calm down.
“Oh, Mr. Ventry, I thought that was you.”
“Hi, Caroline. Sorry, I didn’t disturb anything, did I?”
“No, of course not. This is your house after all.”
“I know, but you run it when I’m not here which is far too often.”
“Well, Aubrey has had dinner, she’s had a bath, and I’ve just got her pajamas on for bed.”
“Oh, great. At least I’m here to tuck her into bed. That’s what I wanted.”
“Yep, well you always are. How was work anyway? Have you been busy today?”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “Yeah, it’s been a crazy one today. I had a photo shoot to run, so that was a lot of fun. It’s always pretty interesting.”
“Yeah, it sounds wonderful. Like something out of a movie or something.”
I force out a laugh, trying not to let Caroline see just how freaked-out I am. Today has got me all churned up, however much I try to push it down it’s still there. But I don’t need to get into that right now.
“Hello there, Aubrey.” She turns around to see me, her eyes light up in surprise. “Come here.”
“Daddy!” She raced towards me and jumps into my arms, hugging me tight. “Bedtime.”
“It is bedtime, sweetheart. How about I read you a bedtime story?”
“Can I pick one?”
“Of course you can! You go and get a book now, darling.”
As she runs away, I notice a giant smile spreading across Caroline’s face.
“She’s always so happy to see you, it’s so sweet. That little girl loves you.”
“I love her too. She’s a great kid.”
“Hmm, one that’s so well-rounded considering everything she’s been through.”
That tightens a knot in my chest. Caroline is right, she has been through so much. I can’t make it worse by going anywhere near Lexi. Aubrey doesn’t deserve for me to complicate her life even further. She probably isn’t over losing her mother, I can’t make her confused by bringing in her… what, auntie? I’m not quite sure.
“Hmm, I know. Yes, she is doing really well. I’m very proud of her.”
“Right, well I’ll get out of your hair, and I will see you in the morning.”
“Great, thank you as always. And I will see you tomorrow.”
She leaves in a hurry and I move instantly over to the coffee machine. There’s no point in avoiding caffeine tonight with my mind whirring so rapidly. I’m probably going to be awake all night anyway! I suck the liquid back quickly, rubbing my forehead hard. I haven’t ever been as messy as this before.
“Daddy! I’ve picked.”
“Coming, sweetheart.”
Okay, time to focus on Aubrey. For a while, at least.
I make my way up the stairs and I tuck Aubrey into bed. “Ooh, I like this book. The one about the princess. We’ve read this one before, haven’t we? Are you all comfortable? Right, I’ll get reading then.”
I make a big effort to read, using voices and actions to make it more exciting. Aubrey absolutely loves it, her eyes light up and she giggles all the way through. It probably isn’t helping to tire her out, but I don’t mind. Once the story is finished, I wrap her up in a hug and I hold her for a while.
“Can you stay, Daddy?”
“Of course I will. I can stay here for as long as you want.”
Usually, I leap up once the bedtime routine is done, I head back down stairs to carry on with work, but tonight my head isn’t in the right place. But today, all I need to do is lie here and be with my daughter. She snuggles into me, cuddling against my chest, and I stay right where I am until I hear her breathing get heavy enough to suggest that she’s asleep. I peer down to see her eyes tightly closed.
“I’m going to do what’s right for you, darling,” I mutter to her sleeping form. “I promise you.”
Even though the idea of doing the right thing really hurts me, it yanks at every single one of my heartstrings, I have to do it. Even in imagination, Nora doesn’t overshadow what Aubrey needs. She’s had so many life changes recently, she doesn’t need anything more.
After a while, I rise into a standing position and I leave her asleep in her room. Instead of heading back downstairs, I go into my room and I flop on my bed. I fix my eyes on the ceiling and I try to organize my thoughts. I can’t stand not talking to Lexi, I think that’s the hardest thing. I just want to know how she’s feeling.
I grab my cell phone out of my pocket and fire off a text to her.
Cooper: I’m sorry about today, that isn’t how I wanted things to go.
Lexi: We knew that we shouldn’t have sex.
Cooper: That isn’t exactly what I meant.
Lexi: The rest of it doesn’t matter. That’s the main thing we shouldn’t have done.
Cooper: I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make things worse.
Lexi: Things don’t have to be bad. We can just get back to normal.
Cooper: Yes, okay. That’s fine. Back to normal.
That isn’t what I wanted to come from that conversation, but it seems that Lexi is still raging. She’ll calm down though, she has to eventually. We can’t be falling out forever. Not when we have to work so closely together. Not when we have such strong feelings for each other.
I sigh loudly, deflating as all the sadness flows out of me, I really don’t know how I’m going to keep up the façade, especially now that I know the chemistry we share. It’s going to be damn near impossible.
12
Lexi
“Thank you, Lexi, I really appreciate it. Do you have any other messages for me?”
“Nope,” I reply, popping the P. “That’s absolutely everything.”
I hang about in the doorway, scared to take even one step into his office. After what happened in there and also what I discovered in the very same room, I can’t go in. It’s a room that absolutely screams of danger.
“Great, well I will see you in a bit then. I’m just going to be at my desk.”
I sigh loudly as I walk away from his, the emotional tension of that moment exhausting me. It’s so much harder than I thought it would be, pretending that everything is normal. It’s so obvious that it isn’t, neither me nor C
ooper can keep up the façade. It’s been three days and it doesn’t show any signs of letting up.
I can’t sit down yet, I need to head to the bathroom for a moment to myself. Working so closely to the man who’s broken my heart all over again within moments of knowing him is just too much.
“Oh, hi, Sally.” Seems I’m not getting my moment alone after all. “Everything okay?”
“Oh, Lexi, I’ve wanted to talk to you all morning, I just haven’t had a chance yet. It’s been such a crazy day, you know what it’s like.” She rolls her eyes and laughs. “It’s always so crazy here.”
This is a little weird. I have a good relationship with Sally, she’s very friendly, but we aren’t close enough for this really. A girly catch-up in the bathroom is something I’d more likely associate with Krysten or Flora.
“Erm, yeah, it is pretty crazy today. Then again, it’s always very fast-paced here.”
“Well, I wanted to say congratulations to you. You did a really good job.”
“A good job? What are you talking about?”
“The photographs. The modelling you did. You were incredible. The pictures look fab.”
“They do? You’ve seen them already? I didn’t know it would work that fast.”
“Oh, I took a picture of the billboard I saw this morning. It’s always that quick here. It’ll be part of the advertising campaign in the glossy women’s magazines this week so you should get used to it.”
She takes out her phone and hands it to me. I take it with trembling fingers and fix my eyes on the image.
“Oh my God, that doesn’t even look like me. The person in that picture is beautiful!”
“Are you mad? You are beautiful. It’s a glossier version of you, but still you.”
“And you said this picture is going to be everywhere? Everyone will see it?”
I’m surprised that Cooper didn’t tell me. He must know that I’d want to know, but I suppose we aren’t really talking at the moment aside from anything that we have to, all work-related. It’s me that’s put up the barrier between us, I suppose I have to accept the consequences of that, even if I don’t like it.
