by Ford, Mia
“I can’t if Lexi doesn’t want to. You know that as well as I do.”
“I suppose so, but I don’t think you should just be a quitter.”
I pull up outside Lexi’s apartment and turn to look at the vision of Nora that I’ve created. She seems more real this time, but I suppose that’s because the advice I need is much more serious. Although she is very similar to Lexi, their differences are so striking now, it’s hard to believe they could ever be mistaken.
“So, what do you think I should do?”
“Go to her, find out what’s wrong and fix it, then tell her that you love her.”
“Just like that, just say it?”
“That’s what you did with me.”
“Huh. That’s true.” I remember that night. “We were about three weeks in, it was much too soon really, but I just knew. My feelings for you were so strong that was all they could be.”
“Exactly, so you said it and look where it ended up. The best relationship that you’ve ever had. Imagine if you didn’t tell me and you lost me. Imagine not having Aubrey.”
“Yeah, that’s true. That would be horrible.”
It makes me sick to imagine. Even though it ended badly with me losing Nora anyway, I wouldn’t give up that time we shared together for anything in the world. It was the best thing ever.
“Life is too short. You want something, you have to go for it.”
“Okay.” I nod determinedly. “Okay, yeah. I’ll just tell her that I love her. It doesn’t have to force her into anything or put the pressure on, it just is what it is. I do love her, and she does deserve to know.” I smile at Nora as she slowly disappears. “Okay I’m going to do it. I’m going to be brave again.”
This isn’t as easy as telling Nora, I don’t know what answer I’ll get, but I still have to try. It’s scary, but it’s the right thing to do. Now I just hope it all goes to plan and I don’t lose it all…
42
Lexi
Positive. It’s positive.
That little blue cross says it all. It really is positive. This is exactly why I avoided doing this for so long, I didn’t want to know. The sickness, the dizziness, the nausea, at first; I put it down to nerves and stress. After everything that I’ve been through I assumed it was just my body giving up on me.
But then it got worse. Then I kept getting sick. I’ve spent the last few weeks with my head down the toilet every evening, projectile vomiting like crazy. The thought that I could be pregnant was there; Cooper and I haven’t always been careful when it comes to sex so it’s always been a risk, but I took this test more to rule the possibility out. I sure as shit didn’t expect to find myself in this exact position.
I’m going to have a baby. I rub my forehead hard. I’m going to be a mother.
Talk about taking a step back and being by myself for a while. I’m never going to be by myself again. I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a mother, I’m not sure I know what to do. I haven’t exactly got a ten-year plan, I’ve never been much of a planner, but I didn’t think I’d ever get this much of a surprise.
I try to imagine myself with a little bundle of joy in my arms, but I can’t quite make the picture come to life. It’s impossible. I don’t know how I’ll cope. I’m not doing a great job of keeping myself alive, never mind another person. I will have a whole human who depends on me to keep him or her alive. I will be responsible for everything. How will I even make that happen? What will I do? And it’s more than just the sleepless nights and the diaper changes every two minutes, it’s the practical stuff. Money. I can’t afford to be a full-time mom.
I suppose this isn’t just my problem, is it? It’s Cooper’s too. He has more than enough money to help raise a child, but that means I’ll have to tell him. Right now, when things aren’t great between us, I can’t imagine coming in to the office and talking to him about it. His reaction will be… well, I don’t even know. I don’t want to think about it. It’ll be awful. I shake my head, hating every moment of it.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Tears stream down my face. “Fucking hell, fuck. What am I going to do?”
I stagger upwards, racing through the house, not sure where the hell I’m going. My mind is spinning, my whole body freaking out, I don’t know what to do with myself. I suppose there are options, pregnancy doesn’t have to end with me and a baby. I could have the child adopted… but that isn’t me. I couldn’t imagine it. I might not be ready for this, but I will have to find a way to be ready. I don’t have any choice.
Knock, knock.
“What the fuck?” I mutter to myself, my heart pounding in my throat. “Who is that?”
I walk towards the door, unsure what the hell I’m doing. It’s only when I reach it and I put my hand on the lock that I decide to find out who it is before I face it. “Who’s there?”
“It’s Cooper.” Fuck. What the hell is he doing here? “Can I come in?”
“Erm…” I dart my eyes everywhere, knowing that I can’t tell him right now.
“Please. I just want to check that you’re okay. I’m worried. It isn’t like you not to come to work.”
“I just… I don’t feel well.” I should have called up. “I’m sorry, I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Please. I need to see you. I just want to check that you aren’t with Trent.”
I slide my eyes closed, feeling bad now. Of course he’s worried. The last time I went missing, Trent had me.
“I’m okay, Cooper. I’m on my own. I just don’t feel well.”
“I can’t leave until I know for sure. I’m sorry, Lexi, I don’t want to be a dick.”
I sigh loudly. He won’t go, I know it, and I understand it too. I wouldn’t be able to go if I was concerned about him as well. “Okay, hold on a minute, I’ll open up in a second.”
“Please, Lexi. You’re freaking me out now.”
I race across the room and grab the pregnancy test. I need to hide it so Cooper doesn’t see. I cannot have this conversation with him right now. I need to wrap my head around it first, I have to figure out how I feel. I know that it’s wrong, he deserves to know this as much as I do, but I can’t deal with it. I’m at the top of what I can handle. Adding any more to it would absolutely tear me the fuck apart. Especially if he rejects me.
“Okay, hold on. I’m coming.” I slam open a cupboard and chuck it inside. Then I smooth my hair down and try to look a little more normal. I don’t know why since Cooper knows that I’m sick.
I swing the door open and he gushes in shock as he sees me. “Oh God, you do look ill.”
I try my hardest not to be offended. “I know, I just told you that I’m sick.”
“Right.” I watch him gulp a lump of emotion down. “Well, I just wanted to check in on you to see that you were okay. I was worried. I don’t mean to be worried, it’s just… well, Trent, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. I am sorry that I didn’t call in this morning to let you know. It was…”
“Yeah, well I would appreciate it if you let me know, I don’t think my heart can take another scare.”
I know that he’s trying to be nice and I half appreciate it, but something about his patronizing tone gets to me. It creeps under my skin, I can feel it circling through my body, angering me.
“Alright, I’ve already said sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“I know, but you know what I’m like. I freak out. I worry about you.”
“You’re the one who said that I don’t need to worry because he won’t come back.”
“And I don’t think he will. But you can’t blame me for panicking.”
I fold my arms across my chest, taking out my emotions about the big shock I’ve just had on him. I can’t help it. I’m like a pressure cooker and I need to let a little bit out before I explode.
“I can blame you. You paid him off, you told me he wouldn’t come back.”
“Are you still mad at me for that? I thought you see the positive side now.”
&
nbsp; A red mist descends, I can’t control it. “Fucking positive side? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Well, he’s gone, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, but since you think he might come back, you cannot be that sure.”
He rolls his eyes and rakes his fingers through his hair. I can see him shaking but I don’t feel even a scrap of sympathy for him. I guess it’s the pregnancy hormones kicking in and right now, they don’t like him.
“Lexi, please. Let’s not argue about this. We’ll keep going around in circles.”
“No, fuck you, Cooper.” Anger erupts like a volcano. “Fuck you, it’s bullshit. You can’t keep telling me what to do and how to feel. I’ll do whatever the hell I want and it’s time you accept that.”
“Lexi, I’m not trying to keep fighting with you, I want this to be over.”
“Let it be over then. You just go.”
I kind of want him to leave because it’ll make my decision so much easier. If he walks out on me now then I know he’ll also walk out on me and the baby. If he can’t stick around for one person, no way he will for two. Maybe that’s an irrational thought, especially since he’s no stranger to parenthood, he already has a child of his own who he raises all by himself. He can be a father. But I suppose I’m not in a rational place. I just want to yell and it’s him that I want to shout at. All of this is his fault after all.
“I’m not going, Lexi. I refuse to leave.”
He steps inside, pushing past me which makes my heart hammer wildly. I know that I’ve hidden the pregnancy test but he’s still too close for my liking. He could find it, he could touch it, he could know.
“Lexi, I know that things are awkward between us at the moment, but it doesn’t have to be…”
“It does, Cooper. It is like this. Don’t you see? It’s not going to stop being awkward.”
“But why? Why is it like this? I don’t get it, Lexi. Nothing you’re saying makes any sense.”
“Because I will never be able to get over you not listening to me. I won’t.”
Okay, so maybe I’m a lot past that now really, but I can’t be honest. My emotions right now are deep in the gutter with this baby. Nothing else is as important than the idea that in nine months’ time or maybe even a little less, I will be a mother. I’ll be the parent to his baby. Fucking hell, how the hell will I do it?
“But, Lexi, I didn’t for a good reason. You know that, right?”
“I understand why, but it doesn’t change how I feel.”
“It should though. I don’t understand it.”
“It doesn’t. And again, I have to remind you not to tell me how to feel. I can do whatever I want.”
“Are you trying to tell me that you don’t want me anymore?”
No! Of course I’m not saying that! Please, hold me and never let me go.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want anymore.”
“I thought this was just a break, Lexi. I thought that you just needed time to think. Are you telling me that this is over now? That you’re done with me so I need to give up? I don’t want to, I want to be with you, but if you’re not in that place then I need to step away. I can’t handle it, Lexi.”
“So, I either have to be with you or step away? Is that how things are going to be now?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Lexi, you’re putting words in my mouth. That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“No… that’s actually what you said, Cooper, and if you can’t respect me and my opinion, then I guess this is done. I think you should just go. I think we need to put an end to this.”
He pauses, looking calm and thoughtful for a moment, giving me a look so tender I almost confess all. My lips part and I can feel the words ‘I’m pregnant’ about to spill out, but then he explodes.
“For fuck sake, Lexi. I cannot believe that you would do this to me. To us. Don’t you get it? If this ends now, then we’re done forever. I can’t keep dancing to your beat, hanging about under your thumb. I’m not that sort of person. I won’t be messed around, I can’t. I have too many responsibilities for that.”
When I don’t answer, Cooper takes it as confirmation that we’re done and he turns to leave. It takes everything I have not to grab out at him, not to hold him to my chest, and to beg him not to leave, but I can’t I have to let him go. My future is about to change forever, and I don’t think it needs to involve him. Ever.
43
Cooper
What the fuck was that? Seriously, that was off the scale. How can she still be holding a grudge about something so ridiculous? It’s over; the problem is done, so why are we still going around in circles?
I jump into the car, spinning away rapidly, my head twisting and turning with everything as I go. I can’t help but feel like I’m constantly fighting for something that’s never going to happen. Lexi and I have already passed our sell-by date and there’s no coming back from it. She didn’t ever really belong to me so I can’t be too upset. Only to an extent, only for a while. Then I need to pick myself up and move on.
I’ve been through worse than losing a fling. I can get through more than this.
“It’ll be okay,” I mutter to myself as I pick up speed. “I’m going to be fine. I am.”
But it doesn’t really feel like it. Right now, with the sensation that I’ve been punched in the gut, I’m sure nothing can possibly be worse. I’m lower than I’ve ever been before and I don’t know how I’ll get out. I try to claw myself out of the hole by the time I get to work, but it doesn’t quite work.
“Everything alright, Cooper?” Sally asks as I walk through the door. “Did you find Lexi?”
“Erm, yeah.” I can’t keep the distraction from my tone. “She’s okay. She’s just sick, like she said.”
“Sick how?” Sally scurries out from behind the reception desk, seemingly not seeing my need to be alone.
“I don’t know, she just isn’t well. She said that she’d be back as soon as she could.”
“Are you sure about that? Because I got this weird text…”
She tugs her cell phone out of her pocket and thrusts it under my face.
Lexi: I’m sorry, Sally. I don’t mean to do this to you. But it’s for the best.
Sally: What do you mean, Lexi? Is everything okay? Xx
Lexi: Ah, I guess he isn’t back in the office yet or he hasn’t checked his email. You’ll soon find out.
Sally: What’s going on? Tell me. I don’t understand this. I’m your friend, Lexi.
Sally: Please, Lexi, what’s happening? I’ll go on break and call you in a minute.
Sally: Please, talk to me, I want to know what’s going on, I’m freaked-out here.
Sally: Lexi, you can’t leave it there. I need to talk to you. Please, talk to me. Please, I’m begging you.
“I called her after that but she wouldn’t answer. That’s weird isn’t it? I don’t know what to think about it all.”
“What do you think it means?” I dart my eyes towards the office. “It doesn’t sound good, does it?”
“The only thing you do is to check your email.” As she takes the phone back, I see her hand shaking. “See what’s going on here. I don’t like it at all. It makes me very uncomfortable.”
Every step towards my office feels like a step closer to my doom. My head spins, sickness spreads through my body, I can hardly handle it. I want to glance back, to see how Sally feels about the whole thing, but I’m scared that her reaction will put me off. I’m already on the edge right now, I don’t need more.
I sit by my desk and spend a few moments tidying up the papers and pens there, just stalling for time. My heart pounds in my mouth as I do, I don’t feel good at all. I already know that it isn’t going to be good; it can’t be can it? She would have just told me when I was there if that was the case.
I’m gutted. I think that’s the feeling that I’m experiencing the most. I’m sad. I don’t like how things have ended. It feels weird. I take in
a deep sigh and I bring the computer to life, looking at my emails. It doesn’t take me long to realize what this is all about, it’s there in the subject line. My Resignation.
“For fuck sake,” I mutter with a head shake. “Fucking hell this is… why, Lexi?”
Dear, Mr. Ventry,
Thank you very much for the opportunities that you have provided for me at your business. I have been very appreciative for it. Unfortunately, now that my circumstances have changed, I think it isn’t something I can do anymore. I hope that this letter of resignation is enough but if you need to speak with me, call me so I can explain my choices further. I will also talk about my notice period with you.
Kind regards, Lexi Headley.
I push my chair back and stomp around the room, frustration blowing through me. Curse words fly out of my mouth and every so often I kick out at nothing, just to let some of my temper free. This really is it, if she can’t even stand to be in the same room as me anymore for the job that she begged me to give her, then it’s done. We really are done. I can’t fucking believe it, I don’t know what I should do about it.
‘Lexi, don’t do this…’ No, I stop typing and delete this. ‘Lexi, don’t be like this about it. Let’s talk it through properly. Wait until we’ve both calmed down and have a proper conversation about it…’
“No, Cooper, that isn’t right either. You need to be… I don’t know, professional.”
‘Dear Miss Headley.
Thank you for letting me know, I appreciate it. Plus, all the work that you’ve done for us while working here. If you ever need a reference I will be happy to provide it. Good luck in your future endeavors.
Mr. Ventry.
It sucks, I don’t want things to end like this. I hate it, but if that’s the path that she’s chosen then so be it. She must have sat down as soon as I left and typed out the message, wanting to cut ties with me completely. Maybe this is what we both need, a clean break. Seeing one another isn’t going to help when we have all of these feelings circling around us. We can’t handle it.
