The Cottage of New Beginnings

by Suzanne Snow

  ‘No, not very. But it’s more serious than I expected, although we’re not really telling anybody yet. We wanted to keep everything quiet until after the party.’

  Niamh’s eyes widened, and she smiled as she placed her glass next to the sink, which was already overflowing with dirty plates. ‘Congratulations.’ She took Annie by surprise, crossing the kitchen to kiss her quickly on both cheeks. ‘It’s about time Jon settled down. I think we were all beginning to despair that he’d never find the person he’d want to marry and give him a family, so I wish you both all the best. Please, will you excuse me? I’m leaving early, and I ought to go and find my hosts and thank them. Lovely meeting you, Annie.’

  Annie stared after her in horror, frozen to the spot where she stood and still without her shoes. She bent down and put them back on, her blood pressure beginning to rise in panic as she thought of Niamh’s misunderstanding of her meaning. She had only meant to imply she and Jon were together but to go after Niamh now would be to make a fuss and shout out the truth in front of everybody. Annie hovered uncertainly for a few moments before she followed, hoping to find Jon, and put right her mistake before somebody else did.

  Surprisingly, he was still waiting where she had left him, and her heart sank when he saw her and stood up, smiling as he watched her approach. She was vaguely aware of the DJ trying to teach merry groups of people to strip the willow as she moved towards him. He reached for her hand as an unfamiliar tension took possession of her body, dreading telling him what had happened.

  ‘I just met Niamh in the kitchen,’ Annie blurted out. She saw acceptance, and perhaps even relief, on his face. His secret was out in the open and she was suddenly struck by a thought as she looked at him. ‘Did you know she was coming tonight?’

  He hesitated. ‘Not for certain. I thought she was in Belfast and wasn’t really expecting to make it.’

  Shocked, Annie stared at him, the realisation that he and Niamh must still be in touch dawning. The thought astounded her. She had always believed, without knowing anything different, that Niamh belonged in Kenya, in the distant, dry days long past. But evidently, she was wrong, and reminders of Iain flew to the surface, snatching away her simple belief and confidence in Jon along with the hand that she freed from his. ‘Do you still see her?’

  Jon met her look calmly, but she saw the way his eyes darkened as she questioned him. ‘Occasionally. She’s been to Kilnbeck a few times, through her job. We email from time to time. Annie, she’s married now.’

  Owen’s words from before fell into her mind as she thought of him offering words of sympathy to Niamh for something that was obviously upsetting. Annie’s heart bounced in worry as it dawned on her what that must mean in light of Jon’s reply, and her question was a frightened whisper. ‘Are you sure about that?’ She knew he had never lied, but he clearly hadn’t wanted to tell her about Niamh being here this evening, and she couldn’t fathom his reason.

  ‘Look, everything between Niamh and me was a long time ago.’

  Why would that matter now when it hadn’t before? Annie felt chilled by the realisation as the past seemed to be lengthening once again into her future. ‘Did she know you were bringing me with you tonight?’ Annie’s voice was steady, but her fingers were trembling and suddenly his answer was especially important.

  He nodded. But it wasn’t enough, and she rushed on impatiently. All the questions they had managed to avoid about next month, or even next week, were dragged to the surface and she dreaded the thought that everything she’d sought in moving to Thorndale could now hinge on his reply. She’d risked her heart and her new life for him, frightened now that everything they had already shared was going to shatter her all over again.

  ‘What did you tell her?’

  He sighed, and Annie swiped at a strand of hair falling over her eyes as she waited for his response.

  ‘Just that I was bringing someone with me.’

  ‘Someone? Not girlfriend?’

  He nodded again, and the bubble of happiness she’d known earlier fizzled away like flat lemonade, certain now she had imagined everything she thought she had seen in his eyes. Knowing that Niamh would be here and seemingly single once again, he had effectively reduced Annie, in Niamh’s eyes, to little more than a plus one he’d brought along for company and misjudgement of how she imagined he felt about her didn’t even come close. Tears were already filling Annie’s eyes as she stumbled away from him, her remarks to Niamh seeming pathetically ridiculous now, rather than anything that could resemble the truth. He grabbed her arm and pulled her to a sudden halt.

  ‘Annie, listen to me,’ Jon muttered, drawing her back towards him. ‘It’s what we agreed at the start. Not to rush anything, casual dates. I thought it was what you wanted.’

  When their bodies met she stiffened in resistance, when once she would have melted. The music was still thundering in the background and people were brushing past them as they tottered past. Annie couldn’t believe they were having this discussion in the middle of a party, and she was in no mood to continue as she arched away from him.

  ‘You’re quite right.’ She had to raise her voice above the din surrounding them and did her best to conceal the aching hurt threatening to crush her. ‘It’s exactly what we agreed.’

  But it wasn’t what she felt. Whatever words they had used, the simplicity of their agreement had long been dispelled by everything they had shared. His thoughtfulness towards her, all he offered of his life and work and always, always, the way they made each other feel whenever they touched or shared a glance.

  She desperately hadn’t wanted to be here, to be falling for someone who could so easily break her heart, and it was clear now she was the only one at risk. There was a long moment as they stared at one another, until Annie pulled herself free, and through her tears she saw Carrie making her way over to them. Something about her smiling expression immediately set Annie on tenterhooks as Carrie threw her arms around Jon, shrieking in his ear. And then she turned to Annie.

  ‘Congratulations,’ she yelled, flinging her arms around Annie as well. Annie wriggled away, horribly certain that her discussion with Niamh was about to be found out. ‘Goodness knows why you wanted to keep your engagement quiet, but we’re so pleased for you both. It’s marvellous news and we’re all delighted. I’d better go – Uncle Campbell’s been at his hipflask and he’s fallen asleep with his feet in next door’s pond. I really ought to go and fish him out. Keep us in touch about the wedding, won’t you?’

  Jon reached out to Carrie to stop her, but she had already hurried away, and he looked at Annie, confusion furrowing his brow. ‘What was that all about? Why does she think we’re engaged?’

  Annie swallowed nervously. She had to own up now before things got even more out of hand, and she knew the answer he sought was written all over her face.

  ‘What’s happened?’ Jon asked grimly, and she shrank away from him and the suddenly cold expression in his eyes. ‘What have you done?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she gabbled, stepping back until her heels touched the edge of a border and she could retreat no further. ‘I said something to Niamh that she must have misunderstood.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘She asked me how long we’d been together, and I said it was more serious than I expected.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘That we weren’t sharing it with anyone until after the party.’ It was out, she had confessed her mistake. ‘Jon, I’m so sorry. I was going to tell you at once. I meant our relationship, nothing more, but she must have taken it to mean something else. I had no idea she would tell Carrie.’ But a part of her had wanted to believe an engagement was possible, that she might finally have been the one, and she was chilled by the ice in his eyes as he glared at her.

  ‘Why would you say something so thoughtless?’ He looked dumbfounded, hands hanging limply at his side. ‘It’s a ridiculous idea, letting people think we’re engaged. We’ve only been seeing one another for a few weeks. W
e haven’t even talked about the future, what we want…’

  ‘Thanks a lot.’ She snatched in a sharp breath, horrified by her mistake and stung by his appalled reaction, knowing exactly what he meant by the ‘future’ he wanted. A future with children, one they both knew she might not be able to give him. She pursed her lips against a bitter laugh and furiously blinked back the tears. ‘You’re right. It is a ridiculous idea. I apologise.’

  A few seconds passed as they stared at one another, trying to fathom what to say next and how to make everything right once more, until Annie turned and stumbled away from him. He didn’t try and stop her as she crept through the house to their room, thankful that most people were still outside, and no one could see her tears. She knew she had allowed an irrational jealousy to influence her behaviour, and she was ashamed of it now and her impetuous remarks to Niamh. Feeling suddenly insecure in the relationship, she’d reacted unwisely to something she felt threatened by, and now she sank onto the bed, sitting alone in the dark as she thought about the evening. A clatter on the landing brought her to her feet. The door was thrust open and Jon appeared. He looked at her briefly and his tone was brisk.

  ‘I think we should go home, don’t you?’ he announced calmly. ‘I’ll get my stuff.’ He strode across the room and began throwing his belongings into the small case. ‘Carrie’ll understand.’

  Annie was relieved she wouldn’t have to face everybody in the morning, and yet she knew she ought to have a say in the decision to flee back to Thorndale, to make a stand of some sort. But she didn’t. ‘What have you told them?’

  As he picked up his bag, he paused to look at her. ‘Just the truth. Can you be ready in ten minutes?’

  So that was it. She nodded desolately and once he’d closed the door behind him, she packed quickly, crumpling the little negligee into a heap at the bottom of her case. She’d been wrong, so very wrong, about him and now the price would have to be paid. Jon returned to carry her case, and every shred of unhappiness was reflected in her eyes as she left the room and made her way downstairs. Carrie was waiting for them, and the look she gave Annie was sympathetic. She stepped forward to hug her.

  ‘We so enjoyed meeting you,’ Carrie said softly. Annie wondered what reason Jon had used that was so important they had to change their plans in the middle of the night. ‘I’m sure we’ll see you again soon. Thank you for helping earlier.’

  ‘It was a lovely party, thank you,’ Annie said quietly. ‘Please will you say goodbye to Owen and the boys for me?’ She hesitated. ‘Is Niamh still here? I thought perhaps I should say goodbye to her.’

  ‘She’s already left, got an early flight in the morning.’ It was Jon who replied. So they had already talked, and Annie was too late.

  Carrie squeezed her hand and turned to Jon. He drew her wearily into his embrace, kissing her quickly. ‘Thank you. Sorry to leave now.’

  ‘Hope it goes well next week. Niamh’s thrilled you’re going to be there.’ Carrie touched Jon’s arm with a quick hand as he let her go. ‘I know she really appreciates your friendship and support, especially as she and Kieran have separated. None of us saw that one coming.’

  Annie felt the hurt and dismay rushing through her body at Carrie’s words, and dragged in a silent gasp as she thought of Jon’s ex-girlfriend, single again and waiting for him wherever it was he was going. Jon waved distractedly, and then they were outside in the cool night air, climbing into the darkened car. She waited until he had driven away from the house.

  ‘Are you going away?’ She felt his eyes upon her when he replied.

  ‘Yes. I’m going to Belfast for a few days.’ He paused. ‘Niamh works for a Christian charity and she asked me a couple of weeks ago if I would speak about Kilnbeck and how we connect with the local community. Somebody dropped out and she thought of me.’

  Annie’s hands were clasped tightly in her lap. ‘Oh.’ She was cold without a jacket despite the comfort of the car, but she knew turning up the heat wouldn’t be enough to warm her. She stared out of the window into the darkness, determined not to let him see foolish tears filling her eyes again. She realised he obviously hadn’t thought his going away important enough to share with her, and couldn’t believe she’d allowed herself to risk her heart once more, feeling it slowly breaking as she imagined the days ahead without him. There seemed to be nothing else to say as he drove them back to Thorndale, and when he pulled up outside her cottage, he impulsively covered her hand with his.

  ‘Annie, we need to talk about what happened.’

  She tugged her fingers from his, already pushing the car door open. ‘I’m sorry for what I said and the impression it gave. But I think we both know how you really feel, and I just can’t keep on hoping for the best and picking myself up time after time. It seems neither of us can give the other what we truly want.’

  She climbed outside and Jon followed, taking her luggage from the boot, and opening the gate. She reached out and pulled her case from him. ‘I can manage.’

  ‘Annie, please, wait. At least let’s…’

  She shook her head, giving him a look over her shoulder that was bereft as she stumbled, shivering, up the path, lugging the case behind her.

  She heard the engine roar as he gunned the car down the lane, feeling as though he had driven away with her heart. As she let herself in, the cottage was completely silent. She knew her little home was utterly unable to heal her this time, that she would find no comfort in its familiarity and seclusion. She settled on the sofa, staring into the cold fireplace as she went over the evening in her mind. As the tears came again, she resolved it would be for the last time, so she cried, certain her foolish comment had only hastened what was clearly the inevitable end of their relationship.

  Chapter Twenty

  When Annie woke in the morning, Jon was the first thought on her mind as ever, but pleasure quickly turned into despair as events at the party leapt into focus. The rest of the day faded into nothingness as she gathered up the leftovers of the life she had begun to lead when she came to Thorndale before she and Jon had become involved. It hardly seemed real, being reduced once again to this broken state as she thought of him and how he had received the news of her blunder.

  On Sunday she considered not going to church at all, but her growing faith and the realization they couldn’t avoid one another for long sent her to the service. But when she walked in there was no sign of him, and she had no idea if he had stayed away on purpose to avoid her. Afterwards Charlie sought her out, telling her casually that Jon had been called away to a rescue. She thanked Charlie but didn’t linger, hurrying home to finish preparing the lunch that she’d arranged a few days ago with Elizabeth and Robert. Annie’s mind was miles away as they ate, and when Elizabeth was leaving, once Robert was safely out of earshot, she took Annie’s hand in hers and squeezed it.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Elizabeth asked gently. ‘You seem a bit distracted.’

  Annie looked at her brightly. She knew that it wouldn’t be long before the break-up was the talk of the village, but she couldn’t acknowledge it out loud, not just yet. ‘I’m okay, honestly.’ She shrugged. ‘Just a bit tired. I’ll pop down for a chat one afternoon.’

  Elizabeth leant forward to hug her quickly, her gaze sympathetic. ‘Lunch was lovely, thank you. You know where we are if you need anything.’

  Annie thanked her gratefully, waving as Elizabeth caught up with Robert and they disappeared. Annie shut the door. It was as though she had stepped back six weeks in time and had to begin all over again. All she needed to do was drag the furniture outside and she would be right back at square one. Only this time, she knew it was much worse than before. Kirstie, tied up on a working holiday weekend, had texted her with a ‘how was the party’ message and Annie had eventually replied with a sad face. A couple of hours later Kirstie called, and Annie picked up the phone and headed outside before she lost the signal.

  ‘What happened?’ Direct as ever, Kirstie got straight to the poi
nt. ‘Sorry if it sounds crazy in the background, we’re in the pub and there’s live music. I couldn’t get a signal till now. Are you all right?’

  Annie shook her head and became tearful again, despite her resolve last night. ‘I will be,’ she said, sniffing. Quickly she ran through the events at the party and heard Kirstie sigh. ‘Don’t say it, Kirst. I already know. You did warn me.’

  ‘Oh Annie, that’s the last thing I was thinking. I’m so sorry. Why don’t you go and see him? It sounds like he wanted to talk.’

  ‘Maybe. I’m just not sure it will make any difference to how we see the future, and I’d really rather not carry on dating him if it’s going to be over soon anyway.’

  ‘I’m not so sure, hon. Despite what I said about Jon, you two did seem very close the other day. Sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning.’ Kirstie paused. ‘Only you can decide if you’re prepared to take a risk on him, Annie.’

  They said good night and Annie eventually crawled into bed around eleven. Oh God, she prayed inwardly, if you’re listening, please tell me what to do. And then, as though a voice had shouted instructions in her ear, the answer became clear and she knew what she was going to do. Kirstie was right. Annie would go to him, explain, make him understand, no longer prepared to give up everything they’d shared without knowing the truth of how he felt.

  Decision made, it was ages before she fell asleep with thoughts of Jon racing through her mind, but when she woke up the next morning she felt wide awake and energised and was ready to go by eight, hoping to catch him before he started working. She leapt into the car, unwilling to waste time walking and raced through the village and straight to the Hall.

  She had no idea where she might find him and left her car on the drive as she quickly made her way around to the offices. The courtyard was quiet for a Monday morning, and she opened the door to the reception area, looking up hopefully as she heard footsteps. But it was Emma, not Jon, who was approaching, and Emma’s eyes lit up as she hurried forward to greet Annie.