‘I don’t think so but I’m friends with a few of them on Facebook. I could send them a message, I guess.’
‘You need some answers, Kate. Perhaps they can get a message to him about Lily too. He’d want to know, even if I’m not entirely sure he deserves to.’
‘You’re right,’ Kate said. She reached for her laptop and searched for Dan’s profile. Dan was one of Pete’s closest mates from work. She’d met him several times and he was a nice bloke. His wife, Laura, was lovely. She began typing a message to him.
Dan,
Hey, it’s Kate. I hope you and Laura are good. Look, I’m sorry to bother you, this is really awkward. Pete’s gone away and I don’t know where he is. Lily’s broken her leg and I need to tell him but I’ve got no way of reaching him. I just wondered if you were in contact with him? Is there any way you can get a message to him for me?
I don’t know how much, if anything, you know, but any information you can give me would be really appreciated. I’m just trying to make sense of it all.
Kate xx
She showed the message to Erin who nodded her approval, then Kate hit send. Within a few minutes she could see that Dan had read the message and the little speech bubble appeared, signalling that he was writing a reply. She held her breath as she waited. It took a long time and she could imagine poor Dan, torn between loyalty for his friend and doing the right thing. Finally, the message appeared.
Kate, hi! I’m so sorry to hear about Lily, is she okay? Please send her all our love. Listen, this whole thing with Pete, I’m really sorry. I don’t know what to say, to be honest. Last time I saw him was at his leaving do last week, I’ve not spoken to him since. I take it you’ve tried his mobile? Is he answering emails? If I can do anything to help at all, just let me know x
Erin, reading the message over Kate’s shoulder, exclaimed: ‘Leaving do? What leaving do? Has he left his job?’
‘I don’t know,’ Kate spluttered. She immediately hit reply.
What leaving do, Dan? Has he quit his job? He’s left his mobile at home, and he’s deleted his social media accounts. I don’t know what’s going on.
The speech bubble appeared again.
I’m sorry, Kate, I thought you knew. Yes, he handed in his notice a couple of months ago and he left last week. Look this is really awkward, you really need to talk to Pete. I’m sure he’ll get in contact with you. He’d want to know about Lily. Maybe try email?
He knows, Kate realised. He knows exactly what’s going on and he’s trying to protect his friend. She supposed she didn’t blame him but now she’d made contact with him, she had to find out the truth. The thought of Pete handing in his notice at work and even attending his own leaving do without telling her made her feel sick. She knew their marriage was hardly the stuff of dreams anymore but what kind of husband makes such a big decision without even discussing it with his own wife?
Erin read the message too. ‘This is an early midlife crisis,’ she said with conviction. ‘He’s quit his job, taken up with a younger woman. I’m surprised he hasn’t bought a flipping Porsche. What a cliché. You need to probe Dan, get him to spill the beans.’ Then she added as an afterthought: ‘If he’s quit his job, then how is he getting paid? Has he got a new job?’
‘I don’t know,’ Kate added, feeling increasingly panicked. They had plenty of savings, thank goodness, but she was more aware than ever that she was reliant on Pete for everything. She didn’t earn a penny.
She composed a reply to Dan.
Look, I don’t want to put you in a difficult position but I really need to know what’s going on. Can we meet?
He didn’t reply for forty-five minutes. It was the longest wait of her life and she wondered if he was going to ignore her message entirely, but he was too nice a guy for that. Eventually, his response popped up.
Please email Pete, I’m sure he’ll reply. If you don’t hear back from him in a few days then of course we can meet. But I just think it’s better coming from him, not me. I’m sure he’ll be in touch, he’ll want to know how Lily is. I’m sorry but I can’t think of any other way of contacting him than by trying his personal email. His work emails are being forwarded to a colleague. Let me know when you hear from him x
That was it then. He wasn’t giving anything else away, at least not for now. It was like torture, the knowledge that someone else knew the full story about the breakdown of her marriage and she didn’t. Just as she was trying to decide what to do next, her phone pinged with a message.
Hey gorgeous! SO sorry to hear about Lily. Is she okay? Everyone is asking after her. Are you still free for a coffee this afternoon? 2pm? I can come to you? xx
Oh God, Nadia. She’d totally forgotten that she’d arranged to meet her for a coffee. Nadia’s children went to the same school as Lily and Maggie but they had first met at antenatal classes years ago when Kate was pregnant with Lily. Five women with nothing in common, brought together purely by baby bumps, while their other halves stood around awkwardly making jokes about swapping beer for baby bottles. They all lived in Muswell Hill apart from Kate and Pete who were still down the road in the somewhat less salubrious Turnpike Lane at the time. Nadia soon established herself as the unofficial leader of this new friendship group, setting up group chats and arranging pregnancy yoga sessions and lunches in the trendy cafés along the Broadway. When the babies started coming, one by one, the meet-ups were replaced by pram power walks in the park and desperately needed coffees in whatever café was most welcoming to breastfeeders. They’d lost touch with one of the couples after a few years but the other four had remained in fairly close contact.
Nadia was one of those friends who you knew wasn’t any good for your mental health but you just couldn’t shake off. She had sailed effortlessly through parenthood, always looking perfect with her glossy activewear and dark silky hair tied neatly into a ponytail as the group marched en masse around the park with their babes in prams. Of course Nadia’s baby would be sleeping peacefully, no dummy needed, while Lily wailed and wailed and Kate reddened with the shame of being unable to comfort her own child and avoided eye contact with any passers-by, convinced they were all judging her substandard mothering abilities.
Nadia was the type who always made you feel inadequate in any situation, even if she didn’t actually mean to. Of course, at the end of her maternity leave she had negotiated part-time hours with her employer and seemed to juggle her successful career and being a homemaker effortlessly. She was the one who always brought beautiful home-made cupcakes to the school bake sale and cheerfully manned a stall for the duration while Kate either sent Rachel or rushed in at the last minute, clutching armfuls of cookies she’d panic bought from Waitrose and getting the hell out of the chaotic, overcrowded hall as soon as physically possible.
Nadia wasn’t a nasty person really but she did love a good gossip and Kate realised that once she had hold of this new information, the secret would not be hidden for long. The news would travel through the school and parenting community of Muswell Hill until everyone knew about it.
Poor Kate, ditched by her husband for a younger model, that’s what they’d all say.
And they had seemed so perfect. Guess you never know what happens behind closed doors.
She didn’t work, had a nanny to look after her children and still she couldn’t keep her husband happy, that would be the insinuation.
Playground gossip was the least of her worries at the moment but Kate still couldn’t bear the thought of people talking about her and knowing that she was a big, fat, utter failure.
‘Nadia’s messaged,’ she told Erin. ‘She wants to come over for coffee.’
‘That two-faced yummy mummy? No way,’ came her sister’s reply. Erin did not care for Nadia. Her friends were all salt of the earth types who’d lie down in traffic for each other and never seemed to have a nasty thing to say about anyone. ‘Tree huggers’, that’s what Pete had called them, but Kate thought they were just genuinely nice people wh
o had found the elusive secret to life – simply being content with what they had. It was certainly something that Kate hadn’t managed to find.
‘I’ve got to face the vultures sooner or later,’ she told her sister. ‘I can’t hide the fact forever. He’s gone, Erin, and people are going to notice sooner or later.’
‘Yes, but give yourself some time, Kate. Hunker down, get your head straight and make your plan. There’s no rush. Let people find out on your terms.’
She was right of course, but Kate was never any good at saying no to Nadia. So, despite her sister’s advice and her own inner voice screaming at her not to do it, she quickly typed out a reply:
Sure! See you at 2pm x
As soon as she knew Nadia was coming over Erin scarpered, with promises to call Kate later. Nadia arrived bang on time, clutching home-made cupcakes for Lily and a beautiful bunch of flowers that definitely weren’t from a petrol station for Kate. ‘Oh my goodness,’ she gushed, when she saw Lily’s leg propped up by cushions. ‘You poor little thing. Sadie and George are asking after you, they send their love. Everyone misses you at school. You’ll be better before you know it!’
Once Lily had been left to indulge in an age-inappropriate amount of cake, the women went into the kitchen and Nadia turned to Kate, studying her face carefully. ‘You look awful,’ she told her. ‘Is it just Lily, or something else too?’
How does she do it? Kate wondered. No one can be that perceptive. Has she had CCTV secretly installed in our house? Or do I really look that shit? She assessed her options and decided that lying to Nadia was a bad idea. When she eventually found out, she’d be peeved. So, she came clean. ‘Things haven’t been too great between me and Pete recently,’ she admitted. ‘He’s gone away to clear his head and I don’t know if or when he’s coming back. The kids don’t know and it needs to stay that way, okay?’
Nadia stared at her in shock, mouth open, no doubt wondering how soon she could share this most exciting gossip with the other mums. She was probably already deciding which WhatsApp groups to post it to while she was still sitting with Kate. ‘Oh my goodness, Kate, I’m so sorry. I’m completely flabbergasted because I had no idea there were any issues at all. You seemed like such a solid couple, so happy. How long has this been going on for?’
‘If I’m honest, things haven’t been great for a while. I mean, we don’t really argue but we don’t really talk much either, I guess.’ She smiled self-consciously. ‘We’ve kind of just been living our own lives – you know what it’s like when you have kids, you forget each other and everything is about them. You stop taking time for yourselves and your marriage.’
Nadia looked like she wanted to disagree with that statement but then, in fairness to her, thought better of it. Even she knew that now was not the time to divulge the details of all the different ways that she and her husband made time for themselves and each other.
‘It’s just a glitch,’ she assured Kate, proffering a cupcake at her. ‘It happens to lots of couples. Maybe you both need some time to realise how much you love each other. And then your marriage will be better than ever. I know a great marriage counsellor, a good friend of mine had issues,’ she lowered her tone, ‘he was having an affair, you see, someone from work, and said this woman was amazing. Here, let me get you her details, you should call her.’
Kate almost snorted out her coffee. ‘I think both parties need to be present for a marriage counsellor,’ she reminded Nadia. ‘I’m a man down.’
‘Yes I know, but he’ll be back soon, you mark my word. You and the girls, you’re amazing and no man in his right mind would leave that behind. You belong together, I just know it. This isn’t permanent, Kate, remember that. You’ll be making a call to that marriage counsellor to book an appointment before you know it.’
But, although Kate took the number from Nadia and made a show of saving it to her phone, she already knew, despite her sleep-deprived, brain-addled and distressed state, that she wouldn’t be calling any marriage counsellor.
6
Pete
The second time they had sex it was much better. They’d gone straight back to her flat after work, picked up a bottle of wine on the way home and made it through less than half a glass before he was on top of her on the sofa, practically ripping her clothes off. God it was so good to feel desire after all this time. It had lasted longer and he’d made her climax, something which he knew he hadn’t done the first time.
Afterwards, instead of making his excuses and getting out of there as quickly as possible, he’d stayed for a short while, lying on the sofa with his arms wrapped around her and staring up at the ceiling. They didn’t talk much but it didn’t feel awkward either. He allowed himself half an hour of guilt-free bliss, just to lie there and enjoy the moment, before gathering his things and preparing to leave. To be fair to her, she didn’t give him a hard time about it. She helped him find his missing shoe under the sofa and then walked him to the door, giving him a kiss.
‘See you at work, Pete,’ she said, and she had already turned her back on him and walked back into the flat before he’d even shut the door.
After that, they started meeting regularly. The meetings were always instigated by him and they never communicated by work email. Instead, he would send her a brief WhatsApp message – nothing romantic, just a few words to make arrangements – and she would respond with one word, yes. She rarely said no. He was very careful but he changed the password on his phone anyway just in case Kate or one of the girls picked it up and started messing around with it, and he tried not to leave it lying around the house either.
He was acutely aware that this was turning into something more than a minor indiscretion, it was now bordering on an actual affair, yet he was powerless to prevent it from happening. He was like a giddy child on a rollercoaster, soaring down the rails after years of uphill climb with such a rush of adrenaline and a deeply thrilling feeling in his stomach that nothing could stop him.
It wasn’t just the sex, although that was fantastic. He fancied her more than he’d ever fancied anyone in his life, even Kate. From the beginning, he’d been in awe of Kate and had thought she was an incredible person. But this sexual chemistry with Claire was something else. She oozed confidence in bed, was totally uninhibited and they were undeniably compatible, as she liked to tell him afterwards when they lay exhausted in post-coital bliss. ‘You’re the best I’ve ever had, Pete.’
But there was more to it than that. She’d made it clear that she enjoyed his company but she didn’t demand anything from him. She had her own life and her own things going on and her lack of reliance on him was liberating. He found himself wanting to confide in her, to talk to her about everything and she listened – actually listened to him. She was genuinely interested in him and what he had to say. It was nice to have someone pay attention to you again, he thought.
Instead of leaving straight after sex, he found himself staying longer and longer, leaving it as late as he could get away with before he had to go home to his other life, as he had started to think of it. He never talked about his family but found that he had plenty of other things to talk about instead. They would open a bottle of wine and get stuck into all sorts of topics, from which bridge in London was their favourite to the intricacies of British politics. She was frighteningly clever, Claire, and wasted on her temp jobs but when he told her that she just laughed and shrugged. She didn’t care what people thought. It felt like they would never run out of things to say to each other, no matter how long they were together.
It was almost too easy to hide the affair from Kate. She was so used to him working late and having business dinners that she didn’t bat an eyelid when he came home at antisocial hours. To be honest, he wasn’t sure she cared whether he was there or not. His presence in the house seemed more of an inconvenience than a pleasure. For years they’d cherished each other’s company and he had always looked forward to seeing her. Now he felt that she looked forward to seeing the builder
more than him. He’d even wondered if she was having an affair herself once or twice, but he’d always dismissed it. He didn’t think she could be bothered.
One evening, after they’d been meeting at Claire’s flat pretty much every week for a couple of months, they were lying in bed together and he was stroking her thigh distractedly, when he found himself blurting out, ‘I really bloody hate my job.’
‘Well quit then,’ came her reply, as he had expected it would.
‘It’s not as easy as that though, is it?’
‘Why not? You’re talented, you’re successful. You’d get another job easily. So decide what you want to do, then go and get it. Life’s too short to spend it doing a job you hate – but you’ve got to make the change, it’s not going to happen on its own.’
He left her flat feeling optimistic about his future for the first time in ages. She was absolutely right, the world was his oyster. Why had he been working for the same company for over ten years, dealing with the same old shit over and over again? He’d been too scared to rock the boat, that’s why. It was easier to stay where he was, doing a job he could do with his eyes closed. He’d been playing it safe for years, in his job, in his life. At work he exuded authority but inside he was losing a bit of his soul every day and Claire had finally made him face up to the truth.
Why hadn’t he talked to Kate about it? He had been feeling this way for years, but he hadn’t said a word to her. Yet he’d known Claire for just weeks and he was already confiding in her. Kate would have been instantly dismissive, he thought. She would tell me to suck it up and get on with it, like everyone else has to. All she cared about was the job security, paycheque and annual bonus. Yet she didn’t work. She stayed at home spending his money. The bloody nanny that he’d suggested to help her out for a few months when Maggie was a baby was still there five years later and what was Kate doing? Redesigning their kitchen and having coffee with friends. Not taking care of their children, anyway. Anger bubbled up inside him, like a beast that had been sleeping for years finally waking up. This is just as much her fault as mine, he told himself. She’s driven me to this.
The Missing Husband Page 6
