Back at the office he tried to concentrate on work but he kept looking at the clock, willing the minutes to tick by as quickly as possible. Every second was agony. Finally, at 5pm, he switched off his computer, grabbed his jacket and practically sprinted out of the office. He arrived at her flat just minutes after her and she opened the door and let him in with an expression that he couldn’t quite read. He didn’t care, he was there and she had let him in. That was what mattered.
‘Glass of wine?’ she offered.
‘Please.’
She walked into the little kitchen and emerged a couple of minutes later with two full glasses. ‘Cheers,’ she said, clinking glasses with him before sitting down and observing him coolly. ‘So, Pete, it was quite a surprise to hear from you.’
He nodded. The last few weeks had been difficult at work. He was used to stopping by her desk for a chat most mornings but instead he’d been giving her a smile, not wanting to seem rude, and heading straight up to his office. If she’d been hurt, she certainly hadn’t shown it, but he knew he had some serious making up to do.
‘I know and I’m sorry, Claire,’ he began. ‘The last thing I want to do is to mess you around, you don’t deserve it. It’s just been hard for me. I’m married, I have children, it’s complicated, you know?’
She nodded at him to continue.
‘I’ve been pushing the feelings of guilt to the back of my mind for so long that I thought I’d nailed it. But when you were in France it all came flooding back – how I was hurting my family, what I could be throwing away.’
She raised an eyebrow at him, but he felt that honesty was the best policy right now.
‘I love my children, Claire, and I love my wife – not in the way I should anymore, probably more out of habit, but I do love her. And what I’m doing to her isn’t right.’
‘So why are you here, Pete?’ Claire was looking a bit pissed off now.
‘Because I love you.’ It was the first time that he’d said those words to her and as they came out, he realised how true they were. Even Claire looked taken aback.
‘Christ, Pete, I thought you were just coming over for a quickie. I didn’t think you were going to drop the L-bomb on me.’
They both laughed. ‘Sorry, Claire, I didn’t mean to go all heavy on you.’
‘No, it’s fine, I appreciate your honesty. I think you know how I feel about you, Pete, but the question is, what happens now?’
‘I don’t know. I need a little bit more time. Not much but maybe a few weeks to sort my head out. I know it’s a lot to ask, too much really, but can you give me that?’
She looked at him for a long time before standing up and going to sit next to him. ‘Yes, Pete, I can give you some time. But not too much time, okay?’
He nodded. ‘I promise.’
After they’d had pretty amazing make-up sex, they lay intertwined in Claire’s bed. How could he feel so wrong and so right at the same time? He watched her, as she lay there, and thought, I have literally never felt this way about anyone before.
‘I’m going back to France in a couple of weeks,’ Claire said. His heart sank.
‘Okay.’
‘Just for a long weekend with some friends. Ever since I went there a few weeks ago I’ve been desperate to go back.’
‘Are you still thinking about moving there?’ He really didn’t want to know the answer but he had to ask.
‘Yes and no,’ she admitted, turning on to her side to look at him. ‘I’d love to but, well, there’s someone here who I’m rather fond of. And I’ve stupidly agreed to give him some time.’
In that moment, he would have done anything to please her. So he found himself saying: ‘I’m open to the France idea. I’m not saying that I’m going to do it, just that I am happy for us to look into it. A little bit. But it has to work with me seeing the kids.’
Claire shrieked with excitement, leapt up and straddled him, showering him with kisses. ‘Thank you, Pete, oh thank you, you won’t regret this.’
Saying things in the heat of the moment when the woman that you’re mad crazy about is naked next to you is one thing, but in the cold light of day a week later it was quite another. So, when Claire presented him with printouts less than five minutes after he arrived at her flat the next time they met up, he was caught totally off guard.
‘What are these?’ he asked her, glancing down at the pages.
‘Jobs. For you.’
‘What kind of jobs?’
‘Senior manager jobs that can be done remotely. There’s more out there than you’d think. More and more companies are becoming flexible in their hiring.’
He scanned the listings. Some of them weren’t suitable but there were one or two that looked pretty interesting. He hadn’t looked for a new job for years and this was actually quite fun. He began to feel himself getting excited. He still thought the whole France idea was a bust but even so, a new job could be just the thing. The beginning of a whole new start and a new chapter in his life, whatever happened.
‘Thanks, Claire – really, thank you. These look great,’ he said, giving her a kiss. She beamed.
‘Promise me you’ll give them a good look over and apply to any that sound good?’
‘Absolutely.’ And he meant it. That evening on the way home he read the job descriptions in detail and got increasingly excited as he realised that not only did one or two of the companies sound really interesting, but that he fit most of the criteria. They were well-paid jobs too, more than he was earning now. By the time he got home he’d decided to apply for two of them. But just before he got in, he folded up the papers and stuffed them into his pocket. Best not discuss this with Kate, he thought, it could lead to too many questions.
‘How was your evening?’ Kate asked as he slumped down on the sofa and took his shoes off.
‘Oh, you know, same old. Entertaining clients, convincing them to give us their business. How are things here?’
‘Oh, you know, same old,’ she replied. ‘I had a couple of landscape gardeners round to give us a quote for the garden. We really need to sort it out.’
‘Sure, sure,’ Pete replied, feeling distracted, his mind on the job listings he’d seen. He was wondering how much work his CV needed when he noticed that Kate was watching him.
‘Are you okay, Pete?’ she asked. ‘You look like you’ve got something on your mind.’
‘Oh, just work, don’t mind me. Actually, I think I’ll go to bed. Early start tomorrow.’ With that he stood up and headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. On the way upstairs he glanced back into the living room and saw that Kate was still watching TV, some trashy soap that he hated. ‘Night, Kate,’ he said. She glanced up at him and gave him a small smile. ‘Night, Pete.’
The next day, in the office, he opened his CV. He hadn’t looked at it in years and it needed a lot of work. Instead of preparing for a client meeting, which is what he should have been doing, he spent an hour and a half polishing his CV and making himself sound suitably impressive. Finally, when he was done, he rushed into the meeting, totally unprepared and not even caring.
That evening, Kate was out at the cinema with Erin and after he’d put the girls to bed, he started writing covering letters. By the time she came home, weepy from the tear-jerker she’d been to see, he’d applied to both roles. He quickly closed the laptop.
‘What are you up to?’ she asked.
‘Just a bit of work, can’t switch off, you know me,’ he said.
She nodded and walked into the kitchen. ‘Cuppa?’ she called. ‘Please,’ he replied. She made the teas and came back in. ‘I’m going to take mine up to bed,’ she told him as she padded up the stairs.
‘I’ll be up in a few minutes.’ Opening his laptop he checked his emails and saw a couple of automatic replies that his application had been received. Feeling excited, he closed it and went to bed.
A couple of weeks went by and he didn’t hear anything. He’d almost forgotten about it all until o
ne morning, as he was sipping his coffee and checking his emails, one arrived in his inbox inviting him to an interview. After scanning the message he quickly pulled out his phone and messaged Claire.
Need to speak to you!
She immediately replied.
Pret in five minutes?
By the time he got there, she’d ordered two coffees to go. It was risky, meeting up in public like this but he had to talk to her and didn’t want to send the news in a message. He told her about the interview and her eyes lit up with pleasure.
‘That’s amazing, well done, Pete! Want to do some interview prep one night this week?’
He doubted much interview prep would get done but he grinned at her. ‘Sure, how about Thursday?’
‘Perfect,’ she replied. They quickly parted ways and he traipsed back to his office. Now that he’d actually got an interview he started to panic. He’d kind of done it all on a bit of a whim but now shit was getting real. Did he actually want to leave his job? Did Claire think this meant he was going to France? Slow down, he told himself, one step at a time, it’s only an interview, no need to freak out. No one needs to know.
By the time he got home that evening he had convinced himself that it was nothing to stress about. He was just having a chat with another company, to see what his options were, but it didn’t have to mean anything.
Dear Mr Garland,
As per our conversation on the phone, we are delighted to offer you the position of Chief Operations Officer at Cyberd, subject to satisfactory references. The role will be full-time, 35 hours a week, based remotely with an expectation that you will be available to attend meetings at our London hub two days a month. Your start date will be September 28.
We will email the contract over to you by the end of this week. Please can you sign and return it at your earliest opportunity.
If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me. We very much look forward to having you on our team.
Best wishes,
Gillian Jones
Head of People Development, Cyberd.
Pete read and re-read the email before grabbing his e-cigarette which he kept stashed in his drawer for emergencies and heading for the door. Outside, he inhaled deeply and tried to calm the butterflies that were fluttering around his stomach.
He didn’t know why but he hadn’t been expecting the call. Maybe because it was the first interview he’d had in years or maybe it was because he was still in denial about the whole thing. It had all seemed fun and exciting a few weeks ago but now it was very, very real and it was terrifying. The first interview had gone fairly well and he’d been invited back for a day of further interviews and aptitude tests the following week. Then this morning, they’d called to offer him the job. He’d liked the people and the salary they’d offered was higher than what he earned now but he knew deep down that this was about more than just a new job. It was about starting a new life.
The first person he should have called when he got offered a new job was his wife but she didn’t even know that he’d applied for the role. He wanted to tell Claire but he knew she’d think it was a sign that he was up for moving to France and he needed some time to himself to think on that. It would soon be crunch time.
Did he want to leave his wife? Did he want to be with Claire – actually, properly with her? Yes, he thought, he did. He loved her and she loved him. And if loving her meant moving to France, maybe he should just do it. Perhaps a totally fresh start, in a place where no one knew them and their history would be better, as long as he could still see the girls regularly. With the money he was earning and the fact that they’d be living mortgage-free in France he could afford to rent a small place in London and support Kate and the girls.
Bloody hell, he’d have to tell Kate, that would be horrendous. And the girls, would they forgive him? Would Kate turn them against him? No, he didn’t think she’d be that cruel. She’d be incandescent with rage but she wasn’t a bad person, not at all. They’d just fallen out of love and she’d come to understand that eventually, when she’d had time to calm down. Perhaps they could even be friends? Or at least civil for the girls. Yes, it could work.
He messaged Claire:
Need to speak to you, can I come over tonight?
Then he headed back into the building, nodding briefly at Claire who was on the phone and went back up to his office to await her reply, which came quickly as it always did.
Yes.
He just about made it through the day and was out of the door at bang on 5pm. He was leaving early more and more now. It was a good thing he was thinking about quitting his job otherwise his boss might have something to say about his new work ethic. As soon as he arrived at Claire’s flat, he told her about the job. After congratulating him, she went straight to the point, as she always did.
‘So does this mean that you’re definitely up for the whole France thing?’
‘In theory, yes, but I want to go there first, to check out the house and see how I feel. Is that okay?’
‘Yes, of course! I’d love to show you the place. Can you get the time away?’
‘I think so, there’s a media conference I usually go to every year in York in a few weeks’ time but after I’ve handed in my notice, I doubt they’ll want me to go. So we could go then – Kate is expecting me to be away anyway.’
‘So are you definitely going to hand in your notice?’
‘Yes, I think so, it’s a great role and whatever happens with France I think it’s time for a change.’
She looked at him. ‘A job change or a total change?’
‘A total change. But baby steps, please, Claire. I’m pretty freaked out about all this.’
‘I understand. Let’s just book the trip and take it from there. No pressure.’
He smiled at her before reaching over to kiss her. ‘Thank you for understanding. You’re amazing, you really are.’
‘Yes, I am, and don’t you forget it, Pete Garland. Don’t you ever forget it.’
By the time he got home that evening it was still warm outside. Kate was upstairs already and he grabbed a cold drink from the fridge and went outside to sit on the patio for a few minutes before going to bed.
The garden was still a total tip. When they had moved in there had been two small, deep ponds which were most definitely not child friendly. They had drained and covered them with tarpaulin so that the kids didn’t fall in but they needed filling properly and the rest of the garden was in desperate need of some TLC. There were piles of junk left at the end by the old owners and the old patio was cracked and filthy. It was in stark contrast to the rest of their immaculately designed house and was the final part of the property to be refurbished – the last vestiges of the old, unloved house they had bought all those years ago.
Were we happy back then? he wondered, thinking back to the day when they had moved into the house. Kate had been ridiculously stressed in the run-up to the move but he had a vivid memory of her beaming smile when they walked into their new home for the first time – a brief moment of calm together before the storm of removal men and children.
‘This is it, Pete, a proper family home!’ she had said, swinging her arms around in a circle. Caught up in her excitement he’d copied her and for a few minutes they had spun round and round, laughing. He remembered thinking, I’ve missed that smile and having a flash of hope that this move was just what they needed after all. A new start, he had thought, a new future. But in the end it hadn’t materialised, it had ended up being the same old.
Would this time be different? he wondered. Is this the new start I’ve been hoping for after all these years?
17
Kate
Kate tapped the table, playing imaginary scales with her fingers as she nervously read the press release for the thirteenth time before attaching it to the email and hitting send. Then she sat back and exhaled. It was the first piece of official work she’d done in years and she was terrified at sending it to her
new client for approval only for them to tell her that it was a pile of crap. But she was also feeling proud of herself. She’d really enjoyed the work so far and after initially staring at the screen for fifteen minutes paralysed by the inability to write, she’d finally started typing. After that it had all come naturally and she could feel her old confidence creeping back in. It’s just like riding a bike after all, she thought.
Her New Year’s resolution had been to let go of the past and look to the future – to forget about surviving and start actually living. Christmas had been hard. She’d spent so many Christmases with Pete and his absence had been even more poignant. If I could just talk to him, she thought, then everything might be okay. But it was impossible and the reality of that was a constant pain that she didn’t think would ever go away. She wasn’t even angry with him anymore. The warning signs had been there but she had ignored them. If it was just her to think about, she probably would have gone to bed and hidden under the duvet for the entire Christmas period but her girls, her beautiful little girls, were so excited about the festivities and she had to make it special for them. So, she had done the exact opposite – she had gone into Christmas overload and made a huge effort. And through their excitement she had felt a trickle of it herself because their joy was infectious.
She wanted to spend Christmas Day just the three of them but she’d invited Karen over on Christmas Eve. They’d hugged each other warmly when she arrived and had spent a lovely afternoon opening presents and listening to Christmas songs. She still didn’t know whether inviting Karen into their lives was a sensible idea and she knew it was probably unhealthy to cling on to a part of Pete – but it was done now and she really liked the woman. She was honest, open and non-judgemental in a way that only someone who has made their own mistakes in life can be. Kate loved her parents but they were very reserved people and the warmth and love that radiated from Karen was like a tonic. It was a stark contrast to the woman that Pete had known as a child. Kate wished that he were here to see it.
The Missing Husband Page 14
