I picked up a dart and sent it flying. It landed with a soft thump in the bullseye. Apparently, anger fueled its flight. “What would you have done if I told you?”
“I don’t know.”
“See! That’s my point.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t know. You didn’t. So I don’t know.”
“Did you have feelings for me?” I turned in my chair to face him. I could feel the heat burning in my cheeks. Was he implying that if I had said something this might have all been different?
He turned to face me wearing a challenging grin. “You already asked your question.”
This guy thought he was so clever using my own tactics against me. I picked up a dart, rolled over to the dart board, reached up to the bullseye, and shoved it in. I wasn’t leaving this question up to fate and my terrible darts skills.
“Do you need me to repeat my questions or do you have it still?”
“Is that your one question?” He took a swig of his beer as he leaned back in his chair. His lips lifted in a pleased smirk.
The palms of my hands were slick against the rims of my wheels as I rolled back over to face Benji. The alcohol coursing through my blood filled me with a new sense of courage. I was tempted to reach across the two feet separating us to slap that smug smirk off of his face.
“Did you have feelings for me?” The question came from my lips slowly. Deliberately. If I appeared calm, my knuckles turning white from the death grip on my wheels were a dead giveaway.
Benji didn’t say a word as his eyes met mine. His handsome face was completely unreadable. Was he trying to figure out how to let me down easy? How to disappear again? I was such a fool to even ask such a question, to entertain such a thought. And I was even more foolish to be thinking about how attractive he was right now. I needed to hang on to the anger, not dredge up my old schoolgirl crush. It was time to save my dignity and just leave.
Suddenly, Benji leaned forward and gripped the sides of my chair. With a deliberate tug, he pulled me forward, never taking his gaze from mine. I was frozen by the heat of his stare. The faint smell of his cologne mixed with the beer scented air, and I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing entirely. His face was inches from mine, all traces of his smirk now gone. My brain screamed at me to leave, but my body disobeyed as I stayed completely still.
After an eternity lasting a few seconds, Benji pushed through those few inches and his lips were on mine. His hands cupped the sides of my face. My body remained still, my hands glued to the cold metal rims of my wheels. But my lips yielded to the softness of his own and parted slightly. His tongue danced with mine. I felt tingling in places where I’d felt nothing for years. The rush of blood soaring through my body drowned out my brain.
He pulled back slightly, that wicked smirk back on his face. A certain gleam in his eyes. I couldn’t speak if I wanted to. I couldn’t even think if I tried. Perhaps that’s why I grabbed his face and pulled it back against mine. I softly kissed his lips, tugged at his bottom lip with my teeth. His hands went to my back as he brought me forward to the edge of my chair. His chest pressed against mine. My hands ran over his shoulders as I dug my nails in. His hands traveled down to my legs. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that rubbing my thighs did nothing for me since they didn’t have feeling. He seemed to be enjoying the movement, so I just went with it. I shifted in my chair, giving him access to the small of my back and whatever part of my ass he could reach in my seated position. I did have feeling there and appreciated the pressure of his strong hands.
Benji’s mouth moved from my mouth to my neck, which he devoured with kisses and bites. My body was reacting to him in a way that kept wanting more. He made me so wet that I was pretty sure I’d have to wash my seat cushion later. As he nibbled his way down to my collarbone, I ran my palm over the enormous bulge in his pants. He groaned against my neck. I’d always wondered if he’d been packing some heat down there. I was pleasantly surprised.
“Oh God, I’ve missed you.” Ben’s breath was hot on my neck as he spoke, sending chills to places in my body which hadn’t felt anything in years. “Let’s go to my place.”
I pulled back and looked at him. “What?”
“I said, let’s go back to my place. I don’t live too far from here.”
“Oh, I’m not sure that’s a great idea.” I chewed on my lip as I thought about his offer.
“Okay, you think about it. I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick. Well, not sure it will be running. Maybe stiffly walking.” He leaned in to give me one more lingering kiss before getting up. He adjusted himself as he walked away.
I pulled out my phone as I debated what to do. This was Benji, my old friend who devastated me. But he was also the guy who had haunted my fantasies for much longer than I’d like to admit. He had aged well over the past decade and was hotter now than I remembered him. I was obviously still attracted to him, but he never answered my question about whether he had feelings for me before. Was this acting out his old feelings as well, or a power play and convenience? Maybe it was my drunken over-analyzing, or maybe it was just that my brain was now overriding my libido, but I knew I had to get out of there. It was my turn to disappear on him.
Robbie and Jill were sitting at their same table. I was slightly relieved that they were taking a break from their make-out session and just talking. I rolled up to them. Jill’s eyes shined with a blissful happiness.
“Having fun back there?” Jill winked.
“Yeah, I won at pool. He beat me at darts. You know, it’s a wash.” I tried for nonchalance.
“So, the kissing was the reward for a draw?” Jill laughed.
I wondered if Jill had too much to drink. I was worried she would chastise me for kissing Benji. Yet here she was, almost encouraging it. I was half expecting this version of Jill to give me a high five and ask how good of a kisser he was. We usually saved excited girl talk for the guys who wooed us before they showed us how jerky they were, but this guy already showed that he was the king of all jerks and she was happy? There was something weird in the air at Pete’s Place and I had to get out of here quickly.
“Yeah, something like that,” I mumbled. “So, hey. I think I’m going to take off now.”
“Ben taking you home?” Robbie asked.
Sorry, Robbie, but this is way too soon in our knowing each other for you to joke around over conquests like Jill did, I thought.
“No. I’m just going to go on my own.”
“Are you sure you’re okay to get home?” Robbie asked.
Robbie’s voice was full of concern. Apparently, I had misread his previous comment and he was actually asking how I was getting home and not making any crude jokes. My bad, Robbie. I realized he was a nice guy, even though I still questioned his choice of friends.
“My brother is actually right up the street. I just texted him and he’s already outside. I’ll see you guys later. Jill, call me tomorrow, okay? Nice meeting you, Robbie.” I tried to talk fast and start moving so I could still make my clean getaway. The seconds were ticking down like a bomb was about to explode.
Before I could make it to the door, Jill was by my side. “What happened?”
“Nothing. Seriously. Nothing. It’s all good. Have fun with Robbie and we can talk tomorrow.”
“Why are you leaving? Did he do something? Do I need to go kick his ass?” Jill’s face turned very serious with concern. Her pretty smile vanished as her lips tightened in a straight line.
“Jill, I really appreciate the offer, but no. I don’t think anyone’s ass needs to get kicked tonight. You go back to Robbie and have fun!”
The street was quiet. Dark. A single street light on this block threw off a dim light. The green neon from Pete’s sign cast an eerie glow.
“Why don’t I just take you home? It’s getting late anyway.”
“I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t go back inside to that handsome boy who is waiting for you! I really like him! Look, Matt is comi
ng anyway.” I pointed down the street to my brother’s truck, which was heading in our direction.
“He is cute, right? And so sweet. And such a good kisser!” A dreamy sigh escaped from Jill’s lips, which were back in smile formation. “You promise you’re okay? I’ll come by tomorrow and you’re going to tell me what happened. Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Hey Matt, get my girl home safely, okay? Otherwise, you have to answer to me.” Jill held her hand up in a fist. She had always been extremely flirtatious with my older brother, so I didn’t expect tonight to be any different, even though she had a great guy inside waiting for her.
“Wow, you’re feisty tonight.” I held my arms out to hug her goodbye.
“Yeah, it’s a good night.” Jill gave me a quick hug and ran back inside.
“Why are you leaving if Jill is staying?” Matt asked as I transferred into his truck.
“She’s on a date.” I didn’t feel like getting into the details exactly.
“So why were you there then?” Matt wasn’t one to let me off the hook easily.
“He had a friend for me.”
“You didn’t like the guy?”
Matt finished loading my chair into the back of his truck before getting back into the driver’s side. He started to pull away from the curb.
“Remember Benji?”
Matt slammed on his breaks. “Do I need to go in there and have a word with him?”
“Huh, you’re the second person who has threatened to beat him up on my behalf tonight. But no, we’re good. Let’s just go.”
Reluctantly, Matt continued to drive away from Pete’s. In the mirror, I could see Benji walk out to the sidewalk. He looked at our truck as it pulled away, his face cast in the green neon glow of Pete’s sign. Instead of feeling good about being the one to leave this time, a sadness washed over me. We’d had fun. And we’d done things I shouldn’t be thinking about when sitting next to my brother. But he had hurt me before and I didn’t trust him to not hurt me again. This was the right choice.
Matt pulled up to my house and helped me out. “You’re sure that you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”
“Don’t let that douche hurt you again.” Matt couldn’t help but be my protector.
“I don’t think I’ll see him again.” For the second time that evening, my voice sounded more wistful than I liked.
“Good! I’ll wait until you get in.”
“Thanks for getting me tonight, Mattie. You’re the best big brother!”
“I know,” he said as he went back to his truck to get in.
I waved to Matt to let him know I was okay after I unlocked my front door. My brother was a good guy. Some girl was going to be lucky to land him someday. I was probably destined to be alone. That wasn’t a bad thing. I liked my own company. And I had an amazing family and the best friends. A person could do worse in life.
I could feel myself spiraling into a pity party, which was the last thing I wanted. Bed seemed like a good idea, but it was only nine, and I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I flipped on the television as I sat on the couch with my legs tucked up next to me. Finally, I was alone with my reality shows. This is where I should have been all night. But then I wouldn’t have seen Benji. Ben. He seemed more like a Ben now. Same goofy guy, but in a much more adult package. Definitely not the scrawny guy I used to know.
His lips had been fire against my neck. His hands fit perfectly on my waist. He had tasted like beer and youth and memories and fantasies. I tried to focus on the show, but I couldn’t push him from my mind. Nothing seemed to make sense. I felt more alone now than I did when he abandoned me ten years ago. Before long, I dissolved into a pool of tears. I hated him for what he did to me, only I couldn’t tell if I was crying from the pain of ten years ago or because I still wanted him despite all that. I felt like a complete idiot that I would allow some guy back into my life when he had a proven track record for hurting me. It was more than letting him into my life. I’d thrown myself at him. All it took was a couple booze-fueled bar games and I threw my self-respect out the window. The cold, empty feeling in my heart would fade over time. It had before.
A knock at the door brought me back from my sad thoughts. I was prepared to ignore it, when the door opened. I knew I should never have given Jill a key.
“Hey, honey. Are you okay?” Jill had a soft tone in her voice.
“I’m okay. Why are you here?”
“I figured you needed your best friend.” Jill walked over and sat next to me on the sofa.
“You should be on your date with Robbie still. I’m sorry I ruined it!”
“Shush, you didn’t ruin anything. Robbie’s waiting for me. This is just a brief pause.” Jill put her arm around me.
I leaned my head on her shoulder as I cried. “I just didn’t know what to do.”
“Did you have fun with him?”
“I don’t know. I mean, yes, it was fun when we weren’t angry at each other anymore. But I don’t know if I can ever be not angry at him.” That was the truth, which was so upsetting. I’d become jaded when it came to trusting men, much of which had to do with Benji. I learned to put up walls to keep myself safe.
“I saw you kissing him. Seemed like you were having more fun than you’re letting yourself admit.”
“Stalker.” I laughed at my own joke. “Why are you on his side? You were ready to punch him less than an hour ago.”
“After you left he told me what happened. He is completely embarrassed by what he did back then. But Sandy, come on. He was a kid. Yeah, I get that we think we know so much when we’re twenty-one. But you know that we were all dumb and young. You did things you regretted. I know that. Want me to remind you of some, ’cause you know I have all the ammunition.”
“Jeez, whose side are you on here?” I pulled away and stared at her.
“Yours, obviously. But I really believed him when he said he didn’t know how to handle the situation back then and that he feels terrible. He was really upset that you left.”
“Yeah right. He probably didn’t even care. He can just take the waitress home.” I let out a weak laugh.
“I’m not taking the waitress home.”
I looked up to see Ben standing at the front door. I hadn’t even heard it open.
“What are you doing here? Why is he here?” I turned to look from Ben to Jill and back again.
“I told you already. You need your best friend,” Jill said as she got up from the sofa. She walked toward the front door. She patted Ben’s shoulder as she walked by. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
With a soft thud, the front door closed behind Jill, leaving me and Ben to just stare at each other in awkward silence.
“Why did you leave?” Ben broke the silence as he walked toward the living room.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” I said quietly
“You could have said that and said goodbye. I would have given you space.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I hurt your feelings by not saying anything to you and just taking off? That must have been hard for you.” I felt the anger rising in my voice. Tears spilled from my eyes again. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Ben sat slowly on the opposite side of the sofa and faced me.
“I know what I did was a dick thing. You don’t think I know that? I have to live with the fact that I hurt you and that I lost the best person I’ve ever known. I did that. But I was young back then. I was immature. Hell, I’m still immature. But I’ve also learned a lot about myself as a man, and I would never hurt you again.”
“How do I believe that and be your friend again, Benji?”
Ben scooted toward me. He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Because, RaRa, I am here looking you in your eye and telling you that I won’t do it again. And believe me, I’m not asking to go back to how we were. I’m not asking you to be my friend.”
“Well, what does tha
t even mean?” I pulled my hand away from him.
“I never answered your question earlier. Yes, I had feelings for you. I always thought you knew. How did you never know?”
“I could ask you the same question.”
“I never told you because I didn’t want to scare you away. It was like somehow I convinced this super cool chick to be my friend and I wasn’t going to destroy that because I liked that you smelled like vanilla or because your eyes sparkled when you made a dumb joke. I got to be the guy you went to concerts with and who knew all your secrets. I got to help you make fun of all the lame dudes who tried and failed with you. I couldn’t chance being on the other side of that. I was too scared.” Ben picked up my hand and played with my fingers as he spoke.
“And I never told you for the exact same reasons.” I placed my other hand on top of his.
Ben moved closer to me on the sofa. “So, we both had feelings and were too dumb to admit it. We still ended up losing each other because of it. Yet here we are. Sitting next to each other ten years later talking about our feelings back then.”
“I think that about sums it up,” I said as I stared into Ben’s deep brown eyes.
He leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft against mine. “I think you left out the part where I’m still crazy attracted to you. So, no, I don’t want to be friends again. I want to rip your clothes off and worship you all night.”
Ben kissed me again. An urgent, hungry kiss. A passion-filled, promising kiss. I grabbed the front of his shirt, bringing him closer. My hands roamed his chiseled body, feeling the taut muscles of his arms as they held me against him.
“Is the front door locked or are there any more unexpected guests I should be concerned about?” I asked breathlessly.
“I invited the waitress over. That’s cool, right?” Ben practically ran to the front door to lock it.
“Bedroom?” I asked as he walked back over.
He stood over me before leaning down to pick me up. I let out a squeal of delight and pointed the direction of my room. As he carried me through my house, I kissed his neck. I’d never let a man carry me before, not before the accident and definitely not after. My stubborn determination to be independent was stronger than any fantasy of being carried. But as Ben held me in his arms against his solid chest, I didn’t feel like a handicapped girl who needed a man to help her. I felt like a sexy queen being cherished
Craving Forbidden (Craving Series Book 8) Page 13
