by K. M. Raya
“Bout time you got up, lazy ass.”
Lilith grabbed Blair's phone and shut off the Bluetooth connection, silencing the music. She heard a collective sigh of relief from the back of the bus. Alex and Jett must have been just as miserable but too afraid to challenge Blair.
She walked to the tiny kitchen and poured herself some coffee. The bus had stopped hours ago, and she knew that craft services would have coffee and breakfast waiting for them but there was nothing quite like the coffee she brought from home. Yes, she was a coffee snob, but it was the one luxury she knew she couldn’t live without.
“Sleep okay?” asked Blair and Lilith didn’t even have to look at her to know that she was grinning.
“Yep—” she replied with a pop of the ‘p’ sound. She refused to meet Blair's eyes.
“Okay, I can’t take it!” Blair threw her hands in the air in exasperation. “It like you're doing the walk of shame without actually earning the shame!”
Lilith rolled her eyes at Blair's hysterics. “Am not,” she murmured as she sipped her coffee and plopped herself down at the table across from Blair. A moment later, Alex stumbled into the room—no shirt and black sweatpants slung low on his narrow hips. His blonde hair was messy from sleep and Lilith averted her eyes.
She felt strange this morning. Like something was off. She wasn’t normally uncomfortable around Alex. He was her best friend and she had known him her entire life. So why couldn’t she look him in the eyes this morning? It might have something to so with the possessive way she remembered his hands had gripped her last night as Soren approached them. It had been so unlike Alex that it had thrown her for a moment.
“Morning Sunshine.” Blair sang to Alex. He rolled his eyes.
Alex just mumbled in reply—clearly hungover and full of next morning regrets. She could empathize. The bathroom door opened, and steam rolled out, along with Jett. Their drummer was a punctual guy, which was weird because drummers usually had the reputation for being the wild ones of a rock band. But no, Jett always had a good head on his shoulders. He was the one who would bail them out of a bind without a second thought, and the only one who took the time to worry about schedules. The rest of them just sort of fell in line.
Jett sauntered into the room, fully dressed and ready to greet the day like he always did. “Ya'll need to get ready, we have sound check in like—" He glanced at his watch, "Two hours.”
Lilith groaned. She was in no way prepared for sound check while her brain was pulsing the way it was.
She jumped up from the table at the same time as Blair and ran to the bathroom, not caring that she slammed her knee into the side of the bunk. She grabbed her bag from beside her bed and shoved her way into the microscopic bathroom as Blair huffed from outside the door. There was no way she was letting Blair get the shower first. Her friend was notorious for her marathon showers and then another hour to spike her mohawk.
After showering, Lilith dressed casually for the day. She wore a relaxed black t shirt, ripped jeans and her blood red chucks. After gathering her hair into a messy, high ponytail, she swiped some lipstick on and called it good. She tried her hardest not to dress with Soren in mind. She didn’t want to seem like she was trying to impress him. The man was infuriating, and she wanted nothing more than to hate him. After standing outside that club looking like an idiot as she watched him get in the car with that redhead, she told herself that was then end of it—the end of whatever hadn’t been able to even happen. There were plenty of men both on this tour and on the road that were ripe for the picking anyways. She wasn’t a prude, she just had standards.
Guilt was the next emotion to surface. She didn’t have time to deal with men and their drama. It had been only a year and a half since she’d buried Rose and her heart was still unbearably raw. That was something she hadn’t been prepared to face this early on in life. The pain of losing a sibling is indescribable…and losing a twin multiplied that by infinity. The other half of her soul was missing…so how could she give what was left to someone else?
She tried to think of other things as she left the bus that morning. Well, it was afternoon by then but regardless, she was looking forward to their set that evening. The pre-show high was still just as potent as it had been back at her home venue and she hoped that the feeling would never go away. Her head wasn’t pounding now that she had her morning coffee, but there was still a dull ache that would probably remain the rest of the day. She cursed herself for drinking as heavily as she did.
When she reached the venue, the halls were alive with roadies buzzing around from place to place. There was equipment everywhere and wherever she looked seemed to be a labyrinth of hallways filled with wires and lighting. She stumbled her way down various corridors, following the signs and arrows painted on the white walls. She ended up in one of the back rooms, thankfully where she was supposed to be.
There was a nice spread of food waiting for her and she quickly shoveled a plate of finger sandwiches down her throat before warming up some chamomile tea with honey for her voice. She tried her hardest to rest her vocal chords before each show and limited her talking during the two hours before the show and right before sound check. She would be sipping nothing but tea until the end of the show that night.
The others were already at the stage and their techs were setting up their instruments off to the side. Lilith’s tech was named Jared, a slender man of about thirty with shaggy brown hair who always seemed to be wearing something camouflaged. Today it was a camo hat and matching shorts. He was a cool guy, quiet but really knew his stuff. He sat on a mini amp while he tuned one of her guitars and prepped the backups just in case. Above her, roadies hung from harnesses, adjusting the lighting. It was all so technical, and Lilith couldn’t help but watch it all with awe.
It was their turn for sound check as they were the opening band. Her fingers shook slightly even now with the two shows under her belt. It was only the staff in the arena, but she still felt as if every single eye was on her. Judging her. They probably were, in truth.
Jett started in on the drums, followed swiftly by Blair on bass. Alex and Lilith joined the on rhythm and lead guitar and Alex on backup vocals. When she started to sing, it was as if the world was falling away. She didn’t even have to think about the lyrics. They just came to her. She had written every word and experienced every feeling and emotion behind them. She knew these lyrics better than she knew her own name. Her mind was lost in a haze and she loved the way that made her feel.
There was a stillness in the arena and instinctively she knew that the crew had paused. They were watching Hayzed ‘n’ Confuzed with rapt attention. It was godlike feeling, having all these professionals listen to your music. These people had been working and traveling for years with various bands of any and every genre and yet here they were, patiently listening to her voice blast through the speakers. She didn’t let their attention distract her though. She let the music guide her and soon their set was coming to an end. She could tell that the sound check had gone smoothly and it made her even more excited for that night's show. The crew was clapping as they wrapped things up and she beamed with pride on the inside. On the outside she remained stoic.
The next few hours were spent ignoring Soren. He was a thorn in her side at every turn. In the back rooms, she shifted between groups as she tried to chat with everyone. She moved around depending on where he was in the room and how to best avoid him. She could feel his eyes tracking her everywhere she went and it was pissing her off. He had no right to watch her like that. He didn’t even really like her, she knew this. She was just another conquest to him. He was like a child with a toy he wasn’t allowed to play with. Still, he took every chance he could to brush against her skin or place his hand on her hip as he walked by. He was fucking with her, but she couldn't fight the tingles his fingers left behind.
Alex walked over about an hour before the show as she lounged on the stained couch listening to music on her phone. This was her zen
hour and she didn’t want to be bothered, but for Alex, she’d make an exception. She could see that he was trying to hold things together and understood how hard every moment of every single day might be for him. She felt the same way most days.
“We sounded good out there tonight, don’t you think?” he asked her softly as he sipped his beer. It had to be warm by now because he had been nursing it all night.
“Hell yeah, can’t wait to do it all over again.” She smiled at him and he returned it but it was strained.
Alex cleared his throat and shifted his blue eyes above her head awkwardly. She could tell something was putting him on edge. He wanted to say something to her but was obviously struggling with how to get it out.
“Out with it, dude,” she prompted, and he chuckled.
“Okay… don’t take this the wrong way or anything but what’s going on with you and that Soren guy?” he asked bluntly, and it took a moment for his question to sink in.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But Alex could see right through her. He always could tell when she was lying. He'd been able to do the same thing with Rose.
Alex frowned. “Don’t lie to me, Lil, it’s me… and I can tell somethings going on, you’ve avoided the poor guy like the plague all night after I watched you guys dance for hours.” Damn him and his perceptiveness.
“I was drunk last night…trust me, nothing happened. Nothing important anyways.” She cleared her throat uncomfortably. “He kissed me and I stopped it. That’s all there was, and all there ever will be. It was a mistake and one I definitely don’t plan to make again,” she promised, almost to herself more than anything.
Alex looked skeptical. “You sure ? Because the guy hasn’t been able to look anywhere but at you for hours. Maybe you should talk to him?”
Why was he pushing this?
“I don’t want to talk to him about anything that doesn't have to do with music and business. He’s an ass and I don’t owe him anything,” she lied. “ It was one kiss it's not like we're dating or anything. I refuse to date while on tour, and even if I wanted to, Soren James would be my very last choice and you can quote me on that.” She pointed at him to emphasize her point. Alex simply shook his head, but his mouth was tipped in a smirk.
“Whatever you say—I don’t believe it for a second, but I’ll play along.”
Lenna was bustling into the room, snapping her fingers for everyone to stand. It was time for the show to begin and Lilith was more than ready. She still had a headache, but she much preferred performing to sitting idle, letting her mind wander into dangerous territories.
She ignored Alex’s penetrating stare as they made their way out of the room and to the side stage. Her tech was waiting there with a mic and her first guitar—tuned and ready to go. She thanked him as she heard the MC announce them. She ran onstage, her rockstar persona taking hold. On stage, Lilith became somebody else. She became a siren that spellbound the audience and wove magic in the air with her voice. She knew she was damn good and this is exactly where she wanted to be.
15
Soren
Three cities and five performances later and Soren was already used to the road again. He acclimated pretty quickly after doing the same thing every other year for the last four. He loved the fast-paced lifestyle and the freedom that came with zooming their way across the continent. Their bus was his home away from home and sometimes he even felt more comfortable there than in the house he owned.
Sometimes he asked himself why he even had a house when he spent most of his time on the road. Every time a tour ended and he walked in to that empty shell of a building, something in him broke. The life of an entertainer may seem like a never ending cycle of people and parties, but nobody ever really talked about how incredibly lonely it could be. His mom and dad were vacationing somewhere in Italy for the the third year in a row. He rarely saw them outside of an occasional Christmas. Yeah, he had his bandmates, but they had their own personal lives and families that didn't always include him. Angel tried inviting him to the Markson family Thanksgiving many times, but Soren always felt like an outsider.
In highschool, his parents struggled with money but they always had time for their only son. They'd been a tight knit unit and he loved them more than anything in the world. But when fame hit and the fortune along with it, it changed them. He liked to think that things would revert back to normal once the novelty wore off, but every year that passed with nothing more than postcards and Skype calls, he lost just a little more faith in the family he once had.
He hadn’t seen much of Lilith in the last week. She'd been avoiding him despite the effort he put into finding her at every venue. She was irritating him the way she just acted like nothing had happened between them. Never before had a woman reject him and it wasn’t sitting well in his stomach. He thought she was into it but maybe he just read her wrong. She was always there though, somewhere close by but just out of reach. He couldn’t escape her. He cursed himself for the way his body would stiffen every time she entered the room, or when he heard her deep, melodic voice over the speakers when their band went on before his. Sometimes, he found himself standing on the side stage, watching their performance like a dumbass. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t even like the woman...He was lying.
They were stopped in Los Angeles for two weeks and he was thankful for the reprieve since they were able to spend those two weeks in a hotel rather than on the bus. Hayzed ‘n’ Confuzed was scheduled for some studio time so that they could record part of their debut album since they joined the tour last minute. The other half of their album would be recorded once they reached Nashville.
Their hotel was just down the street from the studio and Soren constantly fought the urge to pop in and watch the band while they recorded. He was curious about them since he had yet to hear the rest of their work. During performance nights, he usually made it halfway through the set before he needed to go and get himself prepared and so he was never able to fully grasp the feel of their music. They were good, but he still wasn’t on board with having a female front for their opener. Something in his brain just wouldn’t let the bitterness go. He’d had a vision for their tour and their overall aesthetic and she was not it. He thought he would have more pull with the label and that they would have taken his advice, but he was dead wrong.
To be perfectly honest—despite his lingering bitterness, he loved their music. It was one of the driving forces behind his strange obsession with Lilith Hayze. He was a musician through and through and something in her spirit called to him. Her lyrics reached out to his heart and grasped on tightly, beckoning him closer every time. He longed to know the woman behind those words and that voice. He needed her with a fierceness that was beginning to scare him. He wanted to hate her. He wanted to push these feelings away, but no matter what he tried she was always there.
It was a quiet Thursday night when there was a knock on his hotel room door. Miles stood on the other side—a low black baseball cap covered his bright blue hair and his mirrored aviators concealed his eyes. Soren rolled his eyes at his friend, conspicuous, he was not.
“You on a mission?” he asked, and Miles laughed.
“Nah man, we're heading over to the studio to spy on Hayzed, I hear they’re laying down some new stuff today and we wanted to check it out.”
Blood rushed through his ears and he hated the way his heart picked up its beat. He tried to seem nonchalant about it when he nodded his head, “Yeah, uh, hold on a sec.” He threw on a hoodie since it was still a bit chilly.
The two men slinked their way through the hotel, desperately trying to hide from persistent fangirls who may have heard that they were staying in the hotel. His manager tried hard to keep their location under wraps, but the second even one of them was spotted, it was only a matter of time before the blogs announced it. He could spot a fangirl from a mile away. They always tried to look casual and aloof, hoping to accidentally bump into a band member but he
knew their game.
They made it to the studio without incident thankfully and headed to the back rooms where the others were waiting. The room was packed with employees which he knew had other things to be doing. They grouped around a darkly tinted window, watching what he guessed was Hayzed who should have started recording an hour ago.
He parted the bodies around him—making his way to the front of the turntable next to Nero and Gabe. Through the glass, his eyes landed on Lilith and Alex. They were sitting on two wooden stools, facing one another slightly with headphones on. They each held a guitar in their hands and mics in front of their faces. Blair and Jett were off to the side, patiently waiting their turn and enjoying a small break.
“Doing acoustic work today,” supplied Nero as his friend caught the look on Soren’s face.
“I didn’t know they were big on acoustic songs…” he mused to himself, but Nero responded anyways.
“Yeah, they’re actually pretty fucking good. Apparently Lilith writes most of their songs herself now and Alex writes the music.” He already knew this. He knew those lyrics were hers without question.
Soren tuned Nero out after that as he listened to Lilith’s raspy voice croon into the mic and filter through the speakers. The others around him were entranced. She'd captured everyone’s attention. The girl didn’t even look at her instrument as her fingers flew across her guitar strings with ease. He could tell she was as familiar with the music as she was with her own hands. The words seemed to tumble out of her rose-colored lips so easily and so fluidly that he almost wondered if she were just making up the lyrics as she felt them.
The lyrics spoke of heartbreak—of loss and grief. It was such a mournful song and he realized that acoustic was the only way to perform it. She had her eyes closed tight as if she were fighting off tears and Soren could feel his heart clenching in his chest. He hated the feeling. He didn’t want to feel anything for her. He wanted her gone, off the tour so that he could move on with his life like he was supposed to. She was making him feel things he had no business feeling.
