by K. M. Raya
A door slammed, jarring her out of the haze of emotion that swirled around her like a suffocating fog. She blinked her eyes and hurried to wipe the tears from her face. Footsteps echoed through the auditorium.
“Lil?” Alex called to the cavernous room.
She turned to see him standing there in the center of the aisle with a stricken look on his face. She knew what he was seeing. She was the spitting image of Rosalie Hayze. She knew he wasn’t seeing her as she sat on the piano bench—very still. His eyes were glazed over as he approached cautiously.
“Hey,” she called to him quietly, though she knew he could hear her just fine. Her voice was always a few octaves lower than Rose's and it seemed to snap him out of his trance. Now he just looked sad.
“I thought I heard music and I couldn’t find you anywhere… what are you doing in this old place?”
She turned back to the piano and shut the cover over the keys.
“You don’t have to stop just because I barged in…” he told her but she knew it was a lie. She needed to stop. She couldn’t do that to him.
She patted the spot next to her, beckoning him to join her on the bench. He lowered himself down, talking in a lungful of air and letting it out slowly. His blonde hair was swept back into a ponytail today and it made his face look more angular. He looked like he was losing weight. She worried about him these days.
“Everything okay ?” She nudged his shoulder.
He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Not really.”
“I’m so lost, Lil.” He hung his head.
She leaned over and wrapped Alex in a tight hug, knowing it wouldn’t make anything better. “I know…”
“What are we even doing here? What’s the point of it all?” he asked and a sob caught in his throat. She hated seeing him like this.
“Does there have to be a point?” She hugged him tighter and this time, he returned it.
“Guess not...I'm sorry it's just hard,” he mumbled.
Lilith sat with him in silence for a few moments before getting an idea.
“Wanna play something with me?” she asked hopefully. She worried he would reject it, but to her surprise he just nodded his head.
She lifted the cover back off the keys and place her fingers in position. She began to play something familiar and Alex started humming next to her. His voice had always been hypnotic. She remembered the first time she had heard him sing in the basement of her parent’s old house. They'd just been starting out when he unleashed his talent on a room of gobsmacked middle schoolers. His backup vocals mixed with Blair's really added another element to their music and made them stand out from the masses.
They sang one of their all-time favorites, “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, but they sang the version they loved by Disturbed. The first time they heard it, it latched onto their hearts and had taken hold. They didn’t usually perform covers, but something about that song stuck with them. With Alex’s haunting voice mixed with Lilith’s melodic harmonizing, they wove magic in the theatre. It was moments like this that she was reminded why she loved music so damn much. It wasn’t ever about the money or the fame. It was about the feeling that she had right here, in an empty auditorium with her best friend by her side—singing to the sister she lost before her time.
Their song came to an end and she felt peace settle over her. The room grew quiet once more. She turned her head to check on Alex but suddenly, his lips crashed into hers, taking her by surprise. She was so shocked that it took her a moment to realize what was happening. Alex gripped the sides of her face as he kissed her fiercely. Everything in her body rebelled. She didn’t want Alex. She didn’t feel this way for him.
Slamming her lips together, Lilith shoved her friend away from her hard enough to knock him off balance. He tumbled to the floor, smacking his shoulder on the bench on his way down.
“What the hell Alex!” she shouted at him. Tears were already building in her eyes. He sat there on the floor, not meeting her gaze. She was left reeling. Her mind couldn't catch up.
“What were you thinking?” she whispered as she got off the bench and knelt down to his level.
He scrambled up and she followed him, they faced each other—her with anger and confusion and him with… something else in his gaze.
His chest heaved, and he lunged for her again, but before his lips could connect she pushed against his chest. “Stop it!” she cried. “Alex, stop!”
He stumbled back, and it seemed to snap him out of it. He looked at her with regret and longing. His feelings were so muddled, and she hated seeing the confusion on his face.
“I—I,” he mumbled as if he couldn’t find the words. “I’m so fucking sorry… you just—you look so much like her sometimes it’s too much,” he admitted, and her heart cracked a little bit more.
“I’m not Rose, Alex… no matter how much you want me to be, I’m not her.” Her voice cracked, she was seconds away from losing it.
“I know that!” he yelled, and she recoiled. Alex never yelled. He wasn’t one to lose his temper.
“I know you're not her, but I need to feel something…every time I look at you, it’s her face staring back at me and I'm losing my fucking mind!” He grabbed his hair in his shaking hands as he paced in a circle.
She stepped forward and he shied away. “Don’t you think I know that? Don't you think I understand? Look at who you’re talking to Alex! I see her face—her eyes, her hair, every time I look in the mirror.”
His face was a mask of horror as what he'd done began to sink in. He stumbled backwards, almost tripping over a row of seats. She reached for him, but he batted her hands away.
“Stay away!” he shouted as he retreated. “I’m so sorry…” he kept mumbling.
This was getting out of hand. She chased after her best friend, worry lancing her heart. “Alex, it's okay, I promise…” she tried to assure him, but he wasn’t listening.
He slammed out the doors to the auditorium and into the bright sunlight. She didn’t follow him as he rushed over the parking lot towards the busses. She knew he needed to be alone right now, and her presence would only make things worse. She should be mad at him for kissing her like he did, but she knew he wouldn’t have done so under normal circumstances. Later on, they would have to have a long talk, but emotions were too heightened just then. Her heart was breaking for her friend and for herself. Things had just become way more complicated.
“Trouble in paradise?” a low voice drawled from the left of her.
Soren leaned up against the wall, watching Alex retreat into the distance. His expression was unreadable. He looked stoic and uncaring, but the rigid set of his jaw gave him away. She ignored him and turned back around to head into the theatre, but he called out to her again.
“You sure do move fast don’t you, pixie girl?” he quipped, making her stop in her tracks.
“Repeat that?” she said as she slowly spun to face him. They were in the lobby now and the lights were low. The room was cast a shadow over his handsome face.
“You heard me.” There was a fury in his eyes that he'd been hiding before.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. Walk away, Soren, before you say something you might regret.”
He laughed but there was no humor in the sound. She'd never seen him look so cold. His eyes were cold, his stance was icy and for the first time, she felt uncomfortable in his presence.
“Oh, there’s a whole lot I’m just beginning to regret.”
Her breath caught because she knew he must be thinking the worst of her. He was making assumptions without even asking her first. This is what he did. This is who he was. Everything was one sided with this man.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He stepped towards her. “I see the way Alex looks at you. He watches your every move, Lilith. Are you going to sit here and lie to me? You going to tell me nothing's going on between you two?” His voice was getting louder and she was
getting angrier.
“I’m not an idiot, Lilith! I can’t have something with you, but you can give yourself to that douchebag?!” he accused her and that’s when she snapped.
She pushed his chest hard and he stumbled backwards. Shock was written all over his face as she stalked towards him.
“Who the fuck are you?!” She pushed again. “Who do you think you’re talking to?!” Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She knew she wasn’t hurting him, but he let her keep on shoving him. “You think you know shit about me? You think you know my life, Soren? You have no idea what I’ve been through—the things I’ve seen…” She trembled before him and for a moment it looked as if he was regretting everything.
He looked like he was about to say something, but she silenced him with a hand. “Don’t! I don’t want to hear it. For the past year I've lived like a ghost, Soren. Barely eating...never sleeping, never letting myself get close to anyone, because all I ever see when I close my eyes are hers and it fucking hurts.”
Sobs were climbing up her throat and she wasn’t about to stop the tears. He needed to see the tears. She needed to let him.
“It was my fault!” she cried as she collapsed to her knees before him. She threw her face into her hands and ugly cried, letting every emotion pour into them. It was mortifying but she couldn’t reign it in.
“What was?” he asked. His voice was soft now—hesitant. He lowered himself to the floor in front of her and held his hands up as if she were a scared animal he was trying to subdue.
“She’s gone because of me… If I'd just been home ten minutes earlier, she would still be here!” she confessed, and it was like a weight was lifting from her chest. She'd carried this guilt around for so long.
“What are you talking about, Lil? How was this your fault in any way? I don't understand.” He was holding her now as she shook in his arms on the cold floor of the lobby.
“The coroners told me she'd only been dead for ten minutes by the time I found her.” She felt his body go still.
“You found her?”
Nobody knew that part, only Alex.
“I came home from class one day and couldn’t find her anywhere. I knew the moment I walked into her bedroom that something was wrong…” She hesitated. He was hanging on to her every word. “I found her hanging from a rope in her closet. It was tied to the rafters… I would have made it in time if I would have hurried home. But I was too late. Ten minutes… that all it would have taken for me to save her.” She knew it was unfair for her to blame herself for something Rose had chosen to do to herself, but the guilt still crushed her.
“I’m so sorry, baby… I’m so fucking sorry,” he cooed as he rocked her in his arms and stroked her hair with his strong fingers. She felt safe in the warmth of his embrace, but she still felt ashamed. “You know it wasn’t your fault, right? There’s nothing you could have done differently… if she really wanted to go, there’s nothing anyone could have done to change that. She wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself.”
She knew he was right. She never wanted to admit it but he was absolutely right. Rose would have found a way regardless of Lilith’s class schedule.
“She's all I can see anymore. I see her there every day with her eyes open, skin cold…they aren't the eyes I remember,” she mumbled through her tears. “I see her face and it's like seeing myself. I can’t get it out of my head.”
21
Soren
Watching her there on the floor of the lobby, crumbling in on herself was breaking his heart. He felt like such a tool for the way he'd treated her just moments before. He'd been so overcome by inexplicable jealousy after seeing Alex leave the way he did that he lashed out.
He always did this shit. He always assumed the worst of people when really he was no better himself. He didn’t have the whole story because he refused to let her get close to him. He built a cage around himself and threw away the key more times than he could count.
“It’s all I can see…” she repeated, almost to herself again. She was breaking.
Soren held her in his arms and he couldn’t accurately explain how right it felt to have her there. He needed to get her out of this building, anyone could walk in and he knew that she would hate for the others to see her this way.
“Baby, I’m gonna move you okay?” he asked softly as he hooked his arms beneath her legs. She didn’t respond but she continued to sniffle. Tears still trickled down her cheeks.
The parking lot was empty because most of their crew was indoors setting up. He hurried across the blacktop until he reached his bus. After setting her down in the bedroom, he sent a quick text to his bandmates to steer clear of the bus for a while.
He looked down at Lilith as she curled up on his mattress. He cringed at the memory of having other women in that exact spot but shook it away. Now wasn’t the time. He made the decision to join her and after a moment’s hesitation, he slipped behind her on the bed. He scooted her body backwards until her back lay flush with his front. Wrapping her in his arms felt like the most natural thing in the world. Her hair smelled like jasmine and felt like silk against his face.
✽✽✽
They must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing he knew, he was waking up alone. The bed beside him was cold and he could clearly make out the impression on the mattress where Lilith’s body had been. He didn’t now how long he slept, or how long ago she left, but he felt hollow and cold.
The room still smelled like her and he wanted to lay in the silence for as long as he could stand to, but he knew he had responsibilities to attend to. This is why he didn’t do tour relationships, they were nothing but a gigantic distraction. Even as he thought it, he knew it wouldn’t stop him from pursuing her. Clearly the woman had her demons, but he was finally beginning to understand them. She lost her other half in the most violent way possible, and that had to have left some scars. Hell, he honestly had to commend her for being able to carry on as well as she was. Slowly, he began to realize just how hard and fast he'd fallen for the pixie girl.
Hauling himself out of bed, Soren made his way to the kitchen and found Max sitting at the table. He hadn’t seen much of him lately. Max raised his eyes to Soren and nodded.
“Have a good nap?” Max asked as he sipped his beer and scrolled mindlessly on his phone. His friend had never been much of a talker. Straight to the point. Short and sweet.
“An impromptu one,” Soren replied, grabbing a beer for himself. He didn’t have a performance tonight so he let himself relax and indulge a little.
“I’m just gonna ask… what the hell did you do to her, Sor?”
Soren whipped around and glared at his friend. “What's that supposed to mean?”
Max didn’t back down. He set his phone on the table and crossed his huge arms over his chest. “Lilith ran out of here like her ass was on fire earlier… she came out of your bedroom. I'll ask again, what did you do to that girl?”
Rubbing his hand over his face in exasperation, Soren plonked down on the bench seat at the table next to Max and cradled his head in his hands.
“I’m the worst kind of asshole, Max,” he admitted.
Max huffed. “Well I already knew that, but what happened? She catch you with someone else?”
Soren should have been offended, but he could see how that could be a genuine concern. His friends were used to his ways and would expect no less of him.
“Nah man, I wish I could blame it all on the wrong place, wrong time, but I can’t. I was an ass to her and now I’m not sure what to do about it.”
“This have anything to do with Alex?” Max asked. Soren was surprised that his friend was so observant for how little he had seen of him lately outside of their shows.
Soren leaned back, glaring at the ceiling as he spoke. “I don’t know what his deal is, man… every time I see him with her I just lose my mind. I’ve never been the jealous type, you know that.”
Max was shaking his head and fighting a grin
.
“Speak up dude, this isn’t funny,” Soren snapped, and Max just chuckled.
“You’re such an idiot.” He composed himself once more. “Alex isn’t fucking with Lilith… he was dating her sister before she died.”
“Rose?” he asked stupidly.
“Yeah, Rose. Lenna told me they'd been together since they were kids. He planned to marry her but she killed herself.”
Soren was reeling. All this time he believed Alex was after Lilith when really, he had it all wrong. He cursed himself for being so blind. He should have just asked her about it, then maybe they could have avoided all of the misunderstanding.
“Wow, I really fucked up, Max. Like… really fucked up.” He fiddled with his lip ring as he contemplated his predicament.
Something suddenly occurred to him. “Wait, Lenna told you? What were you doing with Lenna?” he asked suspiciously, and pink crept up Max’s neck.
Soren couldn’t believe what he was seeing. The big, tattooed bald man was actually blushing.
“No fucking way!” He clapped his hands together and Max just averted his eyes.
“It's not a big deal or anything, were just talking.” He tried to explain away, but Soren knew better. If they were talking about deep shit, Max felt something for her.
“Good for you, man. Good for you,” he congratulated his friend. Max deserved it.
“Were getting off topic. Point is, if you went on some jealous tirade and ruined everything like you always do, you might want to get your shit together and go grovel.”
Soren knew he was right. She deserved a massive apology.
“Just tell me one thing, Sor… are you serious about Lilith? Because from what I’ve heard, she won’t be able to handle any more heartbreak,” he warned him. “If you aren’t one hundred percent ready to be a genuine boyfriend to her, I suggest you just leave her alone all together.”
Soren didn’t even need to think before he answered. “I am.”
And he was. He wanted her. Completely and exclusively. But how would he convince her of that after everything he’d done?
