by Ugland, Eric
“It’s nice to have you around. You really boost the morale of the kobolds. And likely the rolegurdaüdi as well. But, well, if you’re needed in Osterstadt...”
“Sadly, I am. Trust me, I’d rather be here, not trying to hunt down vampires. But that’s not the way the vampire ash crumbles, I guess.”
“Vampires, huh?” he asked, eyebrow raised.
I nodded.
“Strange that that’s something we actually need to be concerned about in this world. There were always stories back in the other world, and I think, in my heart, I wanted some of them to be true, even though I knew them to be false. I wanted curses and witches, gremlins and vampires, all those things that go bump in the night. I wanted that reality because it meant the world was still big. Unknown. And yet here we are, and I find myself wishing those things weren’t real.”
I just shook my head. “Grass is greener and all that.”
“To an extent. I suppose I’m just wishing there were more rainbows and unicorns and less vampires and darkness.”
“Pretty sure these are the first vampires—”
“Meant that more in a metaphorical sense.”
“Ah. Yeah. Metaphorical vampires suck.”
“Ha.”
“Sorry, the pun just sort of slipped out.”
“It happens. Now get your ass to Osterstadt. Your grace is needed.”
I gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Hold this place together while I’m gone.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” he replied. “You want me to send for you for the culling or just, you know, let the eating happen?”
“I think that’s something I probably need to be here for. Right?”
He shook his head. “Duke needs to stop asking so many opinions. Gotta be sure of yourself.”
“Fuck it,” I said. “Send for me.”
“Yes, your grace,” he said with a smile.
Air Fritz was waiting for me. As soon as I climbed aboard, we were off, heading south in the mid-morning sun. I realized Nikolai must have given Fritz specific instructions, because I certainly hadn’t requested a meeting with the old man. Which wasn’t fair — Nikolai wasn’t old, he just acted that way.
I watched the valley pass beneath us, the glittering lakes and streams just gorgeous from above. The Empire really was an idyllic place, if you ignored all the things that were trying to kill you. With no goblins, no big fuck-off monsters tearing legs off, no giant centipedes, or any of the weird and deadly shit I hadn’t yet discovered, you might think it was just be like Earth, where the worst thing might be mosquitoes. Or ticks. Of course, thinking along those lines made me worry that giant ticks existed in Vuldranni. That was fucking nightmare fuel.
We started descending near the southern edge of the valley. On landing, Darius came out of the barn with some tasty treats for Fritz. I was, once again, unceremoniously deplaned and rolled to my feet.
“Darius,” I called out, “how’s our egg?”
“Still an egg,” he replied.
I waited for a second, thinking he might have something more to say about the egg the god of monsters had given me as a reward for being nice to one of his chosen.
He didn’t, but was instead whispering things to Fritz. I took the cue that our conversation was over, and headed inside the MountainHome.
Nikolai wasn’t in his office, which was rare.
Also rare: no prinkies anywhere. Maybe Nikolai had stopped using them. Which made me feel kind of sad, because the little furry guys always added a measure of humor and stress relief to things around Coggeshall.
I went upstairs, and found Nikolai getting food in the upper cantina.
My stomach growled. I realized I hadn’t had anything to eat since the fried sausage thingies the night before. So I grabbed a plate, and went through the line like any other regular Coggeshall citizen. I got a simple sort of lunch, maybe a bit more than normal, and took it over to Nikolai’s table. He was, as to be expected, eating alone.
“I hear the burger’s to die for here,” I said.
He looked at me, one eyebrow slightly higher than the other.
“Burger?”
“Never mind.”
“What is going on in Osterstadt?”
“It’s odd there.”
“How so?”
I sighed, and took a bite of my beautifully broiled steak that was probably a worm — I didn’t want to think too heavily about that. Then, I launched into what I’d been up to, winding up with the fact I’d learned that the Master was a vampire.
“I hate vampires,” he said. “Truly foul creatures.”
“Yeah, so Léon wants me to help him hunt them down.”
“You are an excellent candidate for that.”
“Also we have centaurs on our border.”
“I feared as much.”
“The leader is a bit of a dick.”
“I have never met one I liked.”
“Dicks?”
“Centaurs. They are arrogant beyond belief, secure in the knowledge that they are the chosen race on this planet.”
“When obviously that title belongs to the prinkies.”
“I hate those too.”
“You are just filled with hate lately.”
He shook his head and looked out the window. “I might be,” he finally said.
“Not good for you.”
“I don’t know how long I have left, and I am trying to leave you in the best possible position so that this land of yours might become what your father and I dreamt.”
“Are you sick? Why are you being so dramatic?”
“I have so little in the way of attribute points, and my—”
“Dude, so do most people. Look around you. How many of these people are even level 20?”
“In this room?”
“Dammit, Nikolai, you know I’m not talking about this particular room. There are plenty of people all over this world who struggle with being underpowered, and—”
“You don’t know what it’s like—”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s the worst thing in the world to be in the prime of your life, high-powered, lots of levels, skills, abilities, all the fun stuff, and have that torn away from you. That, I completely understand. I’ve been there. Just because I haven’t had it happen to me here doesn’t mean--“
He held his hand up.
“No talk of that,” he said softly. “Not here, not now.”
“I just don’t want you to fall into a pit of self-pity. I’ve been there, and—”
He nodded. “I understand.”
We ate quietly for a moment. I listened to the ebb and flow of conversations around us. People were just being people, having lives, and that gave me some measure of peace. Normalcy was finally coming to Coggeshall. We were in the midst of the slow transition from fortress and disparate group of people to home.
“Makes sense though,” Nikolai suddenly said out of the blue. “How they were able to get in and out of Coggeshall so easily.”
“Who?”
“The Master and his people. If they’re vampires, I mean. It makes more sense.”
I nodded, and finished up my lunch.
“Everything else okay here?” I asked.
“It’s on the way there,” Nikolai said with a sigh. “Get back to doing what you do.”
“Killing things?”
“We all have our gifts,” he said, and looked out the window again.
“Even you, Nikolai.”
I waited a moment, but he was focused on the sky outside. I tapped the table twice, a way of saying good bye, I suppose, and left.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
My third flight on Air Fritz and I still hadn’t got any damn peanuts. Or even a drink. Obviously the service on Air Fritz sucked, but the prices? Perfection.
There I was, enjoying the rush of the wind while riding the back of Air Fritz, looking down over the beautiful land rushing below, and suddenly, as if out of nowhere, I became remarkably tire
d. Like I hadn’t slept in weeks, or just came down off a ridiculous bender. Which, in retrospect, are remarkably likely to have happened at the same time. Without even a real thought about it, I slumped forward into the soft feathers of my monstrous friend, and zonked out.
So I was both annoyed and not that surprised when someone tapped me on the shoulder, and pulled me upright.
“Hello there,” Mister Paul said, his voice somehow carrying perfectly despite the rushing air between us.
“Oh,” I said. “You.”
“Me? Were you expecting someone else?”
“I wouldn’t say I was expecting anyone at all. But if we’re being honest, I can’t say that I’m overly excited to see you right now.”
“Why not? I’m an excellent traveling companion.”
“Couldn’t you have found a time to talk to me when I wasn’t sleeping?”
“Harder that way,” he said. “Takes substantially more power to put myself into this world corporeally. Easier to just slip inside your brain while you’re otherwise occupied.”
“Sleeping.”
“Yes.”
“But then I don’t get rest.”
“Sure you do. You’ll wake up bushy tailed and ready to rock!”
“I don’t have at tail.”
“You don’t, which is something of a shame. Would you like one? I can imagine it would open up certain audiences to you that are currently not quite as interested.”
“Having a tail?”
“Specifically a fluffy tail. Although dragons are immensely popular too. Have you thought of becoming a dragon?”
“I wasn’t aware that was an option.”
“It isn’t. Not technically. And I think it’s outside the bounds of what I might be allowed to do.”
He pulled a book out of nothingness, opened it up, and flipped through the pages.
“Right,” he continued, running his finger along a line of text, “dragons are a tier-one race. So not allowed.”
With an audible snap, he closed the book, and tossed it over his shoulder. I watched it tumbling through the air, before it exploded in a burst of fiery pages.
“What the fuck was that?” I asked.
“Spectacle,” he replied, with a wave of his fingers that each left a trail of iridescent sparkles through the air. “Anyway, I am here for two things. One is a small gift.”
“Is it a way to kill a bunch of vampires quickly?”
“No. You already have that.”
“I do? What, how—”
He put his finger to my lips to silence me. I got a heady rush of vanilla.
“We’re under a little more scrutiny at present, so, we’ll be playing the rules to a T,” he said. “No hints, tips, or tricks. Not that I have ever offered any of those to you at any moment leading up to now, right?”
“Uh, no. Never.”
“Right. Now. First thing’s first. The gift.”
With a little more flourish, he pulled a small book out of the air. Tiny, like matchbox sized. He displayed it on his splayed hands, a bit Vanna White, a bit the dudes selling 100% real ‘cashmere’ scarves on the side of the street.
“Is that another exploding book?”
“Sadly, no. Though that might be something I try and bring to you in the future. This is a fantastic and very special gift. It took an immense expenditure to bear it to fruition, and I am beyond excited to be bringing it to you.”
“Why am I feeling very conflicted about whatever this might be right now?”
“Because you know your life will forever change with such a fantastic gift.”
“Uh, okay. Is it, uh, does it give me my magic back?”
“That ship has sailed, my dear Montana. Short of intervention by the god of magic, which he has already declined to do, I doubt you will ever cast another spell. At least not without extrajudicial means.”
“Well that sucks.”
“Get used to disappointment.”
“’kay.”
“This gift is a book, an intelligent book. It will guide you in the proper etiquette of any situation.”
“An intelligent book?”
“Yes.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, somewhere between confused and concerned.
“It means it is a thinking being.”
“It’s alive?”
“That depends largely on your definition of alive.”
“How about your definition of alive?”
“I always love our discussions of semantics, and yet, they are always so pointless. Let me say that it does not require food.”
“Does it poop?”
“No. At least I don’t think so.”
“I guess that’s somewhat reassuring.”
“What would a book defecate anyway?”
“YA love triangles?”
“Touché. But not something one needs worry about with this book. No love triangles.”
“Math textbook?”
“Etiquette.”
“The fuck?”
“It is a textbook on etiquette.”
“Like, uh, Ann Landers?”
“A bit more complicated than that, but I suppose that might qualify in the same general ballpark. This isn’t limited to a singular culture, however.”
“But I assume it does have limits.”
“Yes. It only knows the etiquette and cultures of this planet and planes. Nothing outside this dimension.”
“But planes?”
“Should you find yourself conversing with the lord of the underworlds, this handy book will tell you the appropriate terminology and how you should prostrate yourself in front of them.”
“Fantastic.”
“Though I imagine the gift giver was more thinking along the lines of how to live as a duke without embarrassing your court. Or yourself.”
“I am not enjoying that side of things. I don’t know that a book is going to be of any help.”
“Perhaps you should stop thinking of it in your Earth terms. It is a different world here, and you are in a different culture. Does that help?”
“Not really.”
He harrumphed at me.
“It is a fantastic gift,” I said, reaching out for the book. “I can’t wait to start using it.”
He passed it to me. As soon as it was in my hand, the book grew until it was the size of a textbook. And the cover changed from something with a ton of gold and jewels to something understated. Simple black leather, soft to the touch and luxuriant. There was a red ribbon to keep my place, and a small carabiner in a leather loop. Why would you need something like that?
“Ah, hello, good sir” a voice called out in my head. “It is very good to meet you.”
“Uh...” I started.
“Put the book on your belt,” Mister Paul said. “Otherwise he’s just going to talk your ear off.”
“Great,” I said, “but this isn’t going to hang on my belt.”
“Just try,” he said.
So I did, hooking the tiny carabiner onto my belt. The book shrank back down to matchbook size, but maintained its sedate looks.
“Oh,” I said, “that’s actually not that bad.”
“I told you as much, and I daresay you will find it quite useful.”
“Remains to be seen.”
“In a sense, everything remains to be seen, eh?”
“Can we be done?” I asked, already tired of semantics and errata.
“There is the part two of this conversation,” Mister Paul started. “Or have you forgotten that already?”
“I didn’t forget,” I said. “I was hoping you overestimated.”
“Because you grow tired of my company?”
“No, not at all. Just too much to do and too little time.”
“Ah, the scourge of the mortal. And the immortal. Well, everyone who is beholden to time. And though I hoped to have come up with a better segue, well—”
He snapped his fingers, and he was replaced by a stunningly perfect
and beautiful woman.
I bowed my head, and said, “Goddess Eona, what a pleasure.”
She smiled at me.
“It is always good to see you, Montana of Coggeshall,” she said.
“It’s nice to see you, too,” I said. I always felt a little awkward around Eona and I wasn’t sure why. I mean, part of it was the preternatural beauty.
Then a notification popped up.
* * *
Congratulations! You’ve completed a QUEST!
The Cleansing of the Valley
Eradicate the corrupt ursus, either through death or curing.
Reward for success: 10000 XP and a blessing of the goddess Eona
* * *
“I don’t want to seem impolite or, uh, something,” I said, “but why am I getting this notification now?”
“The quest was not complete until I verified it was complete. I searched the valley, and the surrounding area, for evidence of corruption. This took time, and for that I apologize, but I had to be sure. This was too important to allow even a single instance to remain untouched. But, you were successful in your efforts. I judge that you have completed this quest,” she said. “The corruption here is gone, and thus it is time for you to get your reward.”
* * *
RECOGNIZE: The Goddess Eona offers you an Indicium. Choose:
1) The Blessing of the Breed — within your holding, you and your followers will be able to domesticate animals faster in fewer generations.
2) The Blessing of the Blend — within your holding, you and your followers will be able to blend breeds and races together that might not be viable in any other situation.
* * *
It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, but, you know, it was what I got. I guess that was one of the dangers of accepting a quest with an unknown reward.
“I know it might seem a bit odd,” she said, “that these might be your gifts, but there was a bit of discussion amongst those of us you tied together. It seemed this might offer you a larger return, in the long term. As it were.”
I had no idea what she was talking about. Not really. I think she was implying either Typhon or Mister Paul had persuaded her to grant this particular set of blessings to me. But really, when a god gives you something, there’s really only one proper way to respond. I didn’t even need the book to tell me that.
