by Bennett Cerf
In addition to the office work, and the Saturday Review column, I am spending countless hours at night on my Pocket Book anthology of war humor. Jesus, what a job this is turning out to be. If you know any clean jokes about either the Army or the Navy, for God’s sake send them to me. I am particularly light on Navy stories. I think, however, that the book is going to be a reasonably amusing one—if Jez and I live long enough to finish it.
Social life is practically nil. We spent last weekend at Neysa’s. This Saturday we are going down to the Guggenheims and next weekend is reserved for the Schermans, where I am going to make one more effort to put over the Lin Yutang. I still have hopes in this connection.
Well, I am back to the potching. Write soon and know that all of us here miss you terribly and love you very, very much.
As ever,
Bennett
September 17, 1942
Dear Donald:
Funny thing: Your distinctly nostalgic note about our beloved Minsk Bombshell arrived just about ten minutes after Belle Becker had come in to tell me that she had lunch today with Marian.* Incidentally, Belle reports that Marian never looked prettier or more glamorous in her life, and that she seemed happy and that Henry seems well on his way toward getting a commission somewhere or other. Speaking of anniversaries, today is my second, putting all my previous records, of course, completely to rout. Klopfer, let’s face the fact that we are both rapidly approaching the A. K. stage.….
Bob has wired you the BOMC news. I never really expected that they would take the Cecil Brown book and the door is still open on the Dinesen, so after the first bitter moment of disappointment, my spirits rallied pretty quickly. I agree with you that all the worst sides of Brown’s personality crop up in the book and mar it to a considerable extent. We took out what we could in the editing, but you can’t change a leopard’s spots entirely, if I may coin a phrase. Nevertheless, I think it is going to be a wow of a best seller. The Dinesen will be reconsidered at the next meeting when the judges will have a chance to read the last three stories that we are missing in the manuscript that we were able to give them for this session. Major Haas* has his heart set on consummating this deal and the Major has never let us down yet. (I’m no fool. I know he is going to see the carbon of this letter.)
Lew Miller† is in Washington, so of course Joe Margolies [a book buyer] appeared in New York today. I am going down to sell him myself tomorrow morning at 10 and hope I haven’t lost the old knack of wangling good quantities from him. The only way I can describe business is to say that it is incredible. Yesterday, for instance, there were over 500 PARIS and over 250 STARS. In my next letter I am hoping to have a movie sale of NIGHT SHIFT to report to you.
Tony has approved of a lot of my jokes for the war book so I am beginning to be afraid that it stinks. And between your letters and Pat’s verbal explanations, I think I am beginning to understand something about what you are doing out there. I know how you are missing the publishing business here but, on the other hand, don’t forget that I am stamping around wishing to God I could get into uniform. A simple case of green pastures, my boy.
Write as often as you can.
Love,
Bennett
Sept. 26, 1942
Dear Bennett—
I’m sorry I plum forgot about your anniversary. Somehow or other I thought it was nearer the end of the month. Anyway you don’t have to have me tell you what I wish Thrup and you. Nothing’s too good for you two and I certainly will you the moon. But I will not admit that I am getting to be an A.K. Maybe you are, but I’m just hitting the prime of life. One more month before I start to collapse!
Spent the week-end at Georgie’s. He’s going nuts waiting for his commission to come thru. If it doesn’t I think he’ll kill himself. He’s about to sell his house and really sever all connections with the past. Had dinner at Kenneth McKenna’s and played hearts with the boys resulting in a decided victory for the last!
I’ll be curious to see about that book of yours. I haven’t heard one good story of this war. And that’s not kidding.
Thanks for the news about business. I hope Lew is planning to make a distribution of one juvenile as per heretofore. Charlie Howe is awaiting on it. Stopped in to see Phil Kubel on my way to Georgie’s. God he looks like a corpse. I’m sure the Cecil Brown will sell like hell. How many are you printing?
No news from here. I’m flying down to San Diego tomorrow to see what the Navy has to offer. Hope I can see Bob Jr. Coming back in the late afternoon. Won’t give me much time.
My love to all at the office. I miss you guys like hell! Potch Jez for me. Is Saxe O.K. or killing himself with work. Watch out for him.
Love,
Donald
September 29, 1942
Dear Don:
Since you are busy defending Democracy, it fell to the lot of Maestro Luigi Miller and myself to journey up to Boston on Thursday for a party thrown by the Hillyers in honor of MY HEART FOR HOSTAGE. The party was staged at the new Hillyer home at 39 Pinckney Street. Dorothy has done a wonderful job of decorating the place, it looks like a miniature edition of Hampshire House. And boy, did she draw out the crowd for this party. Alfred McIntyre, Henry Houghton (proxy at Houghton Mifflin), the Ray Everitts, the John Dos Passos’, the Benny de Votos, Ted Weeks, Bush Campbell, Dick Fuller, Alice Bond, Mark Schorer and God knows who else turned up—over 90 guests in all, with a buffet supper, champagne, and an accordion player to enliven the proceedings. The party began at 5 and ended at 2 in the morning, and I should say it was a huge success.… Dale Warren and Mrs. Dos Passos executed a rhumba so gracefully that they fell down a flight of stairs. George Frazier brought his new wife, Mimsie, who is an absolute knockout. I thought it was good policy to devote a little of my own time to one of our author’s wives.… Alice Bond ended her feud with Dorothy Hillyer long enough to pose for a picture with Dorothy and Dick Fuller. Only a few people vomited. What with one thing and another, the party certainly reminded me of our famous shindig at Princeton two years ago.
Incidentally, Bush Campbell, while he was still coherent, said some wonderful things about you and, in fact, everybody in Boston has been so taken in by that superficial charm of yours that not one of them realizes what a terrible bastard you really are underneath.
…
Business news is scarce at the moment, but our big books are now in the offing and the dam will soon bust. We had lunch with Quent Reynolds yesterday. He is going to dash off a quickie for us on the Dieppe affair which will probably be called “Dress Rehearsal.” Selwyn James has turned in his manuscript of SOUTH OF THE CONGO. With a little fixing, it will be an important book about the one part of the world that hasn’t been covered yet, and I think it will be good for 6000 at least. Another piece of the Sheean manuscript has come in just about on scheduled time. Red Lewis, as I told you, promised us his complete manuscript for Christmas day. The movie rights to NIGHT SHIFT have not yet been sold, but I think Warners will sign up at any minute. Ben Zevin just sent in contracts for reprint editions of THE MAN WITH NO FACE, WATCH ON THE RHINE, and VOLTAIRE’S PHILOSOPHICAL DICTIONARY—the last one of Luigi’s Carlton House numbers. (Remember?) There is nothing to stop PARIS and STARS. Even HAYS NONNY NONNY may surprise us. Harry Bull just called up and bought one of the chapters for TOWN AND COUNTRY for 300 bucks.
I am now getting all my advance material together on the Lin Yutang for one more onslaught on the Harry Scherman citadel. The news on the other new books can wait for another time, but baby, it’s all good. It looks like Jezebel will be wearing sables before the war is over—that is, if she is willing to comply with certain conditions that I have set forth.
I have been slaving night after night on that damn war humor anthology and hope to turn the finished manuscript in to Bob de Graff sometime next week. If anybody so much as breathes a war joke to me after that period, I will probably club him with a baseball bat.
I was sorry to hear about Pat’s illness. I am sure ev
erything will be okay in a couple of days.
We miss you more all the time.
As ever,
Bennett
Oct. 1, 1942
Dear Bennett,
Thanks for taking Patsy out in New York. The kid has had a busy time between her family, my family and closing up the farm. She writes me that you’re crammed full of the joke book. I haven’t heard a decent clean story about this war. I hope there are some around, but they don’t percolate thru’ to this rare atmosphere.
This week I went up to Victorville for a day. It’s a bombardier school and advanced flying. I flew for about 2½ hours in the bombardier’s seat in the nose of the ship. You are surrounded by nothing but transparent plastic and believe me you get a wonderful view of everything. We flew over Lake Arrowhead and the mountains and into Arizona. Came back and a friend of mine flew me back to Santa Ana, letting me take the controls for a while. I think I’d make a hot pilot. If I’m ever transferred to a small field I’m going to learn to fly. It’s the only way to get around this part of the world with a 35 mi. speed limit.
Business goes on as usual. I hope R.H. does too. Mannie writes we may be able to pay off the 20M to-day and the balance the end of the month. That would be great. I’m keeping fingers crossed for Blyer. Will you tell Jez I have not received a single book from R.H. out here! Only Brown proofs.
My love to the gang. I miss all of you. Kiss Thrup for me and tell her she ought to write me a long love letter.
Love,
Donald
October 6, 1942
Dear Don:
I was bowled over by your two letters which arrived here simultaneously yesterday. The thought of you actually flying a plane has me so green with envy that one of our new nearsighted employees on the eighth floor mistook me for an advance copy of Peter Rainier’s GREEN FIRE.
The intelligence test certainly sounds as though something might be stirring, and I am sure I don’t have to tell you I hope you get what you want. Personally, I wish they’d transfer you to some post within twenty miles of here, so we can see that granite-like puss of yours once in a while. I was terribly sorry to hear about Georgie’s commission falling through. What the hell happened?
…
Here’s the last-minute news from Random House in a nutshell. Warner’s bought NIGHT SHIFT today for $25,000.00. We are in for 20%, which is only terrific, if you get what I mean. SUEZ TO SINGAPORE has been raised to $3.50, and I am sure you will agree with the wisdom of this move when you see how imposing the book actually looks. We are printing 40,000 copies of this little baby, and I don’t see what can stop it. Second serial rights have already been sold to New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Detroit, Akron and Miami, and Colin Miller is out now on a special trip for United Features to work on this book alone. I honestly believe that our share on second serial rights alone will top $3000.00 by the time we are finished.
Selwyn James has delivered the manuscript of his South African book. It is going to be called SOUTH OF THE CONGO and, after a little fixing up by the old maestro Commins, should be a strong entry for our Spring list.
That old stinker Watt cabled that Graves refused to make any changes in his novel on the life of Milton and offered to let us out of the contract if we felt so inclined. We felt so inclined; in fact, we broke a couple of legs getting the cable off to tell him so. That is a palooka off our hands and no mistake.
The rest of our business is simply incredible. The Monday invoices are on my desk and the pile is so high it will take me three trips to the can to get through them. I have promised De Graff the complete manuscript for the War Book a week from today, so that headache will soon be off my mind. My social life has been nil except for the ball game on Saturday and yesterday. Satenstein was the host yesterday, and Milo Sutliff and Frank Henry were the other members of the party. The poor old Yanks never had a prayer; the Cards simply rushed them off their feet. I would say something about tempus fugit, but what’s the use of talking Latin to a dumb bastard like you.
Love,
Bennett
October 16, 1942
CAPTAIN DONALD S. KLOPFER
DINESEN A DUAL SELECTION. AS I ALWAYS SAID IT’S A WONDERFUL BOARD OF JUDGES. LOVE AND KISSES
BENNETT
Oct. 16, 1942
Dear Benito—
Thanks a thousand fold for the telegram announcing the good news of La Belle Dinesen. It’s really very exciting and our good partner RKH [Random House Knopf Warehouse] must be in a disgusting state of self satisfaction. I always did like the Danes, but what’s happened to the Chinese. Old Lin Yu Tang has lost the golden touch I take it because he doesn’t think the British are God’s gift to this war. I think we’ll do damned well with the book anyway, but it would make such a good dividend!
Pat got back last Sunday, felt rotten on Monday, had the doctor down on Tuesday and on Tuesday night was in the Cedars of Lebanon Hospital in Hollywood. She came out too soon after her operation and was completely pooped so she had to go somewhere where she would be taken care of, namely in hospital. I’ve been driving up there each night so I haven’t had much chance to write. I hope she’ll be out to-morrow or Sunday and will go over to Edgar’s for a few days. She can’t come back here until she’s really strong as she has to do all of her own work. Servants just are impossible to find out here. Incidentally, Cerfie, Pat says that the date she had with you was one of the two dates she had other than family while in N.Y. Thanks for taking her out.
My department is clicking along in all four these days. We’re badly stuck for lack of space but that can’t be helped until they give us a building of our own. That will come along soon and then we can be well organized. I’ve really been working hard lately, believe it or not!
My best love to everyone around the place. I miss all of you like the devil. Potch Thrup for me—
All love,
Donald
October 19, 1942
Dear Bennett:
Thanks for your letter of October 16th with the figures attached thereto. It looks to me as though we were romping ahead at a pretty good pace. I am glad to see that SPY NOVELS is over the 5,000 mark and I am sure it will continue to sell. PAN-AMERICAN SPANISH also looks as though it would go on for a long time. In fact, I can’t see anything to complain about as far as business is concerned. According to Pauline’s figures, October should be a “wow” of a month. I hope to God that Harry Sherman really gets a fond reaction to his test mailing on the LIN YUTANG. It is really wonderful news about the Dinesen book. I passed Marian Hunter’s book shop yesterday (Sunday) and she had a fine display of SUEZ TO SINGAPORE in the window—one week before publication date. That’s what I like to see in a book seller.
Pat is out of the hospital now but staying up at Beverly for the balance of this week. After that, I feel sure that she will be well enough to come down and cook for me. Laugh that off. With regard to your insulting remarks about Pauline—to me she looks like a combination of Hedy Lamarr, Greta Garbo, and Ann Sheridan. I’ll bet she is just as glad to get rid of that damn joke book as you are. I saw Private Oppenheimer yesterday and he is happy as a lark in his new guise of a buck private. The rear view of him in G.I. OD’s looks a little bit like Oliver Hardy wandering down Wilshire Boulevard. I am delighted to hear that you have gotten mixed up in the Council on Books in war Time. I doubt if you can fill my shoes but at least you can try,
As always,
Donald
…
October 30, 1942
Dear Don:
How come these beautifully typewritten letters? Have you managed to snag some beautiful young WAAC to act as your secretary? And if you are, is she as potchable as Jezebel? This letter is being typed by an absolute stranger since Jezebel went into a swoon when she read your remark that she looked like a combination of Lamarr, Garbo and Sheridan, and we have not been able to revive her since. The poor creature has become more gullible than your first bride. (Remember?)
I take it that you ha
ve received your detailed copy of the September statement. The profit figure simply staggered me. Klopfer, my boy, you are getting rich while you sit on that fat can of yours idling away the time in sunny California. At least, you are getting rich on paper. At least you are getting rich until the Government takes it all away from you, which will be any minute now. Seriously, we are going to have one hell of a tax problem this year unless I can mark the Greek Drama and the Duplaix swag to minus 10¢ a copy instead of plus. I have a conference on tap with Senor Podoll to see if we can institute some kind of a dividend system or something, which will make the rap as painless as possible. We are out of the bank, at last, and unless some utterly unforeseen catastrophe occurs, there really ought to be some cash rolling around here in short order.
We gave Ann Rann a raise from $40.00 to $60.00, and Frances Merriam an equal $10.00 boost. We also gave Florence a $4.00 raise. These three girls have been doing wonderful work for us. I am particularly delighted with Frances Merriam. I am enclosing herewith a direct mailing piece which she worked out for the Modern Library, and also a throw away for the Lin Yutang. I hope you will agree that they are absolutely top notch.
…
She has certainly been a great addition to the Random House ranks. The kids on the eighth floor are slaving religiously and, when Christmas time comes around, we expect, with your permission, to hand out some really substantial bonuses. I suppose we’ll have to give some good raises too, to everybody, that is, but Jezebel, who is willing to take it out in love. Anyhow, she obviously has an outside income because she certainly didn’t get those two mink coats and that sable wrap on the salary she makes here.
SUEZ TO SINGAPORE looks like an absolute smash. The News Company reordered 1000 yesterday, and Marshall Field reordered 250. The next two weeks should tell us just how big it is going to be. Hillyer’s MY HEART FOR HOSTAGE and Samuel Adams’ THE HARVEY GIRLS are both pleasant surprises, and we’ll make plenty on both of them. The complete Sheean is in and we also have the first draft of Sinclair Lewis’ book, so both of these are sure for February.
