by R. Cooper
“Whatever you say, dimples,” Rocco agreed, flushed but quietly satisfied when Ronnie moaned again.
“Holy shit,” Ronnie swore, then scrubbed his face and looked up at Iz. “Anyway. Is this all right? Can we stay?”
Iz hadn’t realized that was an option. “Of course. But I’m only studying.” The reference book was unopened in front of him, but he meant to study.
Rocco pulled the book to him to peer at the title. “You still struggling with the linear book method of learning versus intuitively?” He exchanged a quick look with Ronnie. “I’m not sure if the explanation on the page will help you if you work better by figuring out the meaning on your own.”
“I know what it says. The words make sense. But I won’t understand until I’ve done it. My way.” It was an inconvenience sometimes. A lot of the time. Iz’s math teachers, in particular, had been frustrated. He caught Ronnie’s serious stare. “It’s not anything important. I only want to prepare for what the professors will say and expect me to know.”
Rocco was gentle. “So, for example, it’s like how you might know what love is, but also not really know at all?”
Iz nodded. “Yes. Exactly.”
“You just need a nudge, and some time, and then you’ll get it,” Ronnie added, and pursed his lips thoughtfully.
“Yes,” Iz said again and moved his head back and forth to watch while Ronnie raised his eyebrows at Rocco and Rocco lifted a hand, palm up, in response.
“Would you like to sit closer to each other?” Iz asked while they held their silent debate. “I can move.”
They looked at him, then at each other again. “You’re fine where you are,” Ronnie answered after the pause. “This is good for now, although Rocco might move in a bit, if that’s okay.”
Iz didn’t see how it wouldn’t be. “I don’t mind whatever he does.”
Rocco sighed.
“That was a good sigh,” Ronnie informed Iz in a dramatic whisper. He set his bag on the ground and bent down to dig out a book, which he placed on the table without opening. He put his chin in his hands to study Iz. “What were you really doing before we got here? Napping?”
“Giselle would say moping.” Iz didn’t feel like moping now. His brain was pinging with all the details of Ronnie’s straight shirt collar and the subdued mess of Rocco’s hair and the swish sounds Ronnie’s coat made when he took it off and the hint of aftershave that wafted over when Rocco shrugged out of his leather jacket. “Not now, though.”
“Not now,” Ronnie agreed, smiling again as Rocco got up, put his bag in the chair he’d vacated, then came around to sit closer to them. He held out the leather jacket with another small sigh, and barely even scowled when Iz took it and Ronnie started to laugh. “Guess that settles it.”
“It’s got a comforting weight to it.” Iz’s justification only delighted Ronnie more. “Do you both use the same aftershave, or does it rub off?” He sniffed the lapels, pleased, before zipping it up. His sleeves were still hooked on his thumbs and stuck out at the bottom. “The scent is woodsy, you know, masculine.” Iz hated aftershave scents on himself, used soothing balms instead. But this suited them. “Did you borrow his after a night over?” he asked Rocco and settled down with the leather heavy on his shoulders.
“Um.” Ronnie’s laugh died out. “Yeah, he did.” His study of Iz intensified. “So you’ve borrowed his jacket before?”
“I stole it,” Iz admitted.
Rocco snorted. “He did.”
“I’ve already got one of his hoodies,” Ronnie confided to Iz, though with one short, sly glance Rocco’s way.
“It must be so soft on the inside.” Iz could only imagine. “The sleeves would go way past my hands.”
“Yeah.” Rocco breathed the word, then straightened. Ronnie gave him a much longer look this time, though no less sly.
“This is unbelievable,” Ronnie announced and bumped Iz with his elbow. “I feel like I have his cheat codes now. Fucking amazing.”
“Do you?” Iz put his chin on his hands too. He faced Rocco with interest. “It’s only been two weeks. He must have handed them to you. How chivalrous of him.” Rocco stared blankly at them both, but that only meant he was worried. Cheat codes. Iz saw it now. “What did Ronnie give you in return?”
“A thousand kisses,” Rocco answered seriously, if figuratively, since a thousand kisses would take a long time.
“Those weren’t an exchange. He would have given you those anyway.” Iz smiled at Ronnie’s noisy sigh.
“I knew it,” Rocco said, and didn’t explain what it was he knew.
Ronnie sighed noisily again. “You guys are making it sound epic, or something. And not me falling after him, as usual.”
“He wooed you with his mouth, as though you were not already won.” Iz nodded.
“Guys,” Ronnie whined. “This is off-topic.”
“It’s not.” Rocco gave Ronnie a smile that set of sparks in Iz’s brain and made his heart push against his ribs. “Iz has been worried that I didn’t live up to my end of the bargain.”
“You didn’t mention a bargain.” Ronnie was so stern now. But Iz didn’t remember a bargain either.
“Iz wants to make sure I’m all over you, and that we’re happy,” Rocco told Ronnie but while looking at Iz. “That’s the first thing he needed to hear. I knew it.”
Ronnie perked up. “Yeah, he did. He’s smart. Right, Iz?” He nudged Iz again. “Our Rocco?”
If that was teasing, Iz didn’t know how to respond. “I’m not being intrusive, am I? I’m not jealous as far as I know. There’s only the ache.” Iz touched the leather over his chest. “But no anger or fury or anything that jealousy is supposed to be like. You’re dating and that’s good to hear.” Their twin stares had him uncertain. “It really is. I thought about it, as Rocco suggested, and except for how I miss you, it doesn’t bother me. You can talk about it. If it does upset me, I’ll tell you.”
“And that?” Rocco directed the question to Ronnie.
“He means it,” Ronnie said fondly, almost proudly. “He’s been thinking it over.”
Iz put his hands on the table again. “I have,” he agreed.
“I’m still learning,” Rocco murmured in an apologetic tone. “But I’ll get better soon.”
“God, I missed you, Iz.” Ronnie put a hand over his, then pulled it away. Iz was too distracted by that to ask what they were talking about. But he saw how Rocco noticed Ronnie touch him, and how they looked at each other.
“If you’re together now, I won’t need to be away as much,” Iz reassured them, taking his hands from the table and putting them safely in his lap. “Maybe some. Some space. Because I’ll get confused or make another mistake, and I don’t want that. But I like you two this way. I saw you last week. Together, outside campus, walking in the street. You were beautiful.” The ache returned, but though he waited, he still didn’t feel irritation or fiery rage. He was… sad. More alone than usual. Like Halloween night when other kids went to parties. He had been so grateful to come here and find Patricio, to have friends, to have these friends. He shouldn’t expect something that special as well. But it turned out his heart wanted it anyway.
“Izzy,” Ronnie began softly.
Iz shook his head. “The dating is going well? You were worried because neither of you had much experience there.” His heart would learn to adapt, the same way Iz had.
“It was, uh, weird? At first? To be allowed to touch him. Freely, you know? No excuses.” Ronnie bit his lip and glanced between them. “Though I still find myself making them anyway. It’s an adjustment.”
“A good weird?” Iz pressed.
“The best weird,” Ronnie affirmed. “Oh, Iz.”
“And you?” Iz turned to Rocco.
Rocco held out his hand, palm up again. “I get to say what I’m thinking.”
“He’s still working on it,” Ronnie whispered, loud enough for Rocco to hear, then leaned to put his head on Rocco’s shoulder for a
moment when Rocco frowned. He gazed up, although the angle was awkward, and somehow got more radiant when Rocco finally smiled.
Iz watched them intently. “I can’t imagine him failing at anything he wants to do.”
“No, it’s true.” Ronnie sat up but put a tentative hand on Rocco’s upper arm. “He’s fucking quick when he decides on something.”
Rocco was still as a rock in the seconds before he tore his gaze away from Ronnie. “It’s not learning anything new. It’s breaking an old habit.”
“Ah.” Iz understood this, at least. “The habit of not telling him how you feel?” He curled his fingers into his palms and moved his shoulders to feel the jacket’s weight. “And now you can! What do you say?”
“Oh my God.” Ronnie bent down to thump his forehead against the book he wasn’t reading. “That he, you know, likes my smile. Stuff like that.”
“Are you embarrassed?” The short hair at his nape was sticking up. Iz curled his hands even tighter. “I like your smile too.” He nodded toward the back of Ronnie’s head. Rocco frowned, uncomprehending. Iz brought a hand up to gesture forcefully until Rocco finally reached out to ruffle and then smooth Ronnie’s hair. Ronnie shivered.
Rocco looked at Iz, his fingers spread out over Ronnie’s skin, dipping beneath his shirt collar.
“Have you gone on dates?” It tumbled out of Iz’s dry mouth. “Done date things?”
“Only been two weeks,” Ronnie grumbled, but turned to peer at Iz. “Busy schedules.” He reached out to run his fingertips over Rocco’s hand. “We got breakfast once. Shared chips for dinner. We… well, there’s a game coming up—not an official game.” Ronnie sat up. Rocco’s hand fell slowly to the table. Ronnie stared at it for a moment, then took it before looking to Iz. Rocco moved, bringing himself closer to Ronnie, probably to block the view of anyone at the other tables.
“It’s your off-season.” Iz had learned a surprising amount about college-level soccer, or football, as Ronnie called it, which was so confusing.
“Yeah. But we were gonna have a game anyway. Us and some of the foreign students. Off campus, at the park. Next weekend.” Ronnie raised his eyebrows. “Rocco sucks at football but he’s going anyway. We—it’s not like a normal game, with the girlfriend section and everything. Anyway, you could come, if you want. He could sit with you. You’ve come to some of my games before. But if it’s too much….”
They both had brown eyes but their gazes were so different.
“If you want me there,” Iz answered at last. Sitting outside was better than moping inside, and he wouldn’t be watching anything more than a game.
“He does.” Rocco was firm.
“What about the rest of the romance?” Iz went on quickly over the hammering of his heart. “You can’t go on coffee dates. Rocco doesn’t like it.”
“I don’t mind when someone else drinks it.” Rocco focused on him, his eyebrows a solid line as he frowned. “Wait.”
“Movies?” Iz suggested, because Rocco didn’t explain whatever had tripped him up.
“We already watched movies together,” Rocco pointed out, moving on. “Before this. We all did.”
“On a laptop. In his room. In his apartment,” Ronnie answered over him.
Rocco shut his mouth.
“Oh. Sex.” Iz did get some things. “Why come here, then? Is this a date too?”
Ronnie’s dimple made an appearance. “I hope so.”
“Are you trying to not have sex?” It was a reasonable question. They could have studied at home.
Ronnie glanced at the others around them but they seemed to be ignoring their table. “No, we’re here for a date,” he hiss-explained to Iz, then paused. “Anyway, I hate to tell you, Iz, but people have sex in the library.”
“He doesn’t hate to tell you,” Rocco remarked. “He’s had sex in the library before. He’s bragging.”
Iz gazed at them in amazement before scooting to the edge of his seat. “Ronnie, did you tell him about the sex you had here?”
“We were friends. It came up.” Ronnie scowled, despite his blushing. “Anyway, it was this dumb thing I used to do where I would talk about my sex life around the boys I liked in the hope it would make them jealous. Didn’t work, but I kept doing it.”
Iz looked to Rocco, who looked back, then exhaled, long and resigned.
Iz nodded as he understood. “No, it worked. He was jealous.”
“Oh. Oh shit, really?” Ronnie’s little grin was more pleased than smug. “Really? Aw. I’m sorry—kind of. It’s mostly… good to know.” He laced their fingers together. “If it helps, I always thought your hookups should have been me. I, um, would have kept you.”
Iz watched Rocco carefully reach out to touch—just for a moment—the back of Ronnie’s hand. “Would you?” He didn’t ask as if he expected an answer.
Ronnie would be kind, afterward. Ronnie would show care.
Iz stared for a bit longer, then lowered his gaze to the table the way people did when others were being affectionate in public. “Are you going to have sex in here now?” he asked, extra quietly. “You two are experienced at it, so I bet it’s very pretty to see.” He frowned at the cartoon character on the front of his coding book. “Where do people have sex in here?”
“Third floor,” they said in unison.
“That makes sense.” Iz abruptly pieced together several conversations he’d heard over the years. Then he jumped. “I sleep up there!”
“You’re sleeping again?” Rocco asked. His voice was rough. Maybe he was embarrassed by all the emotions. Iz felt surrounded by them too. Most of them were good, but there were so many.
“Well, I have a constant, low-grade feeling of exhaustion, but I’ve been assured that is normal for this situation.” Iz considered his answer before he looked up again. It’s the depression, Patricio had said. “I’ve found my stomach more upset than usual as well. Which is possibly my diet. Giselle suggested chocolate.”
“But not only chocolate, right?” Rocco would fixate on that.
Iz shrugged. “No appetite anyway.” He sighed before continuing. “I may have isolated myself too much.”
“So… you were wrong?” Ronnie suggested, dimple there and gone. “Izzy was wrong?”
“Teasing me.” Watching Ronnie’s eyes was the easiest way to spot jokes. Iz huffed. “Yes,” he admitted with some force, and Rocco choked in surprise. “Although, as much I like my friends, it was not Eric and the others that I have been thinking about the most.”
“Yeah?” Ronnie asked, not teasing anymore. He nudged his leg into Iz’s. “Not so bad being wrong this time, I bet. Not the worst thing. Totally livable even.” His sneaker was solid against Iz’s shoe. “How are you really, Iz?”
“How am I.” Iz did not think there were words. Maybe one. “Fuzzy.” He darted a look to Rocco. “But I’m fine, as far as I can tell. Please don’t worry.”
“Take stock right now, if you want. We can wait. We don’t even mind.” Ronnie nudged him again beneath the table. “I want—I feel like I have so much to tell you and so much to say. But I can wait. We both can.”
“You don’t have to.” Iz bit his lip. “It might not be today. I might not know how I am until later.”
“We know that,” Rocco informed him, quiet and hoarse. This conversation was so much for him but he was having it anyway. He bumped the toe of his boot against Iz’s shoe too, before withdrawing. “We don’t mind. And this is where we wanted to be. You’re… good company for studying.”
“’Good company for studying,’” Ronnie echoed, turning to gape at Rocco before suddenly laughing again.
The two boys struggling over their project turned at the sound but didn’t shush them.
“You’re really going to study?”
Ronnie cleared his throat and got serious in response to Iz’s doubtful question. “There’s a lot of pressure, school and everything, this. And neither of us has much actual dating experience, so we’re trying to not pressu
re anybody. We know what we want, more or less, and are trying to figure out what works. What works for other people isn’t necessarily what we want. You know what I mean, Izzy Iz?”
Iz frowned but slowly nodded.
“Look, I love kissing him and being alone with him—and all the stuff you maybe don’t want to hear about yet.” Ronnie studied Iz closely. “But even just sitting with him right now is—”
“Enough, and a lot, and so little,” Iz finished.
Ronnie’s smile bloomed in his eyes first.
Rocco exhaled. “Never had a chance.”
“No, you really didn’t,” Ronnie agreed without looking at him. “If it helps, Iz, we’re all lost. There’s been a lot of talking. Mostly through text. But a lot of talking.”
“There’s less to be anxious about if you talk and explain. That doesn’t sound fun, but it’s reasonable,” Iz whispered. “I bet you both have so much to say.”
“Yeah, like, for example, that someone has basically liked me since he met me. Which would have been nice to hear earlier.” Ronnie slid a look at Rocco that may or may not have been teasing.
“Bold words from someone who got drunk more than once so he could aggressively cuddle me.” A smile slipped through Rocco’s stony façade.
“Shut up.” Ronnie’s grin said it was teasing, after all.
But then he looked at Iz and so did Rocco, and Iz’s every thought crashed together.
He sucked in a breath, clenched his hands harder.
Ronnie dropped his smile. “Or what it feels like to be so scared that you can’t recognize what’s in front of you. Because if you admitted it, and you were wrong, it’d be awful, so it’s easier to leave it unexamined.”
“I’m sorry.” Iz stared at his book cover.
Ronnie’s leg was warm against his. Someone nudged his foot, twice. Or two people did once.
“You weren’t the only one,” Rocco reminded him.
“And anyway, now we’re working on the happy ending part,” Ronnie added. “We were sort of hoping you could help with that, actually, Iz. If you want.”
Startled all over again, Iz raised his head. “You want me to help you if you have a problem?”
