Grappling Partners to Avoid
People Who Have No Sphincter Control
Everyone on this planet blows ass every now and then. I blow ass, you blow ass, and that superhot chick with a rockin’ body blows superstinky ass from time to time. However, the majority of us can somewhat control when we blow ass and when we don’t. If I step into a crowded elevator, I most likely won’t blow ass. I’ll wait until I’m just about to get off to let the gust of foulness seep out of my body. Back in the day, when I first met a chick, there was no way I would let one rip. I would wait until at least the second or third date before I introduced her to my Love Potion 109. You see what I’m getting at here—by simply clenching up on the vault doors, you can hold those toxins in. And if there ever was a time to hold in a fart, it’s when you’re grappling at the gym. I understand that sometimes emergencies happen, but usually you see those emergencies coming and have the common courtesy to let go of your submission and walk across the room before letting one fly. But there are guys who have no fart control to speak of. These are the types of guys who will not just fart around you, but also fart on you. Neil Melanson, a grappling coach at Xtreme Couture, has one such horror story. On this fateful day, he was drilling with his student Crazy Jimmy in the north-south position. If you’re unfamiliar with this position, it’s where the guy on top has got his ass directly on top of his opponent’s face. In this unfortunate situation, Neil happened to be the guy on the bottom. He was just lying there, allowing his student to work his submissions, and then Jimmy farted horribly. Traveling directly from ass to mouth, the noxious gas didn’t have a chance to get diluted by pure air. Neil literally ate shit. He has not yet recovered from this experience, and to this day he is still in counseling. In my opinion, there is no excuse for this. The majority of us were born with sphincter muscles, and it is our obligation to learn how to use them. If someone in your gym has failed to acquire this courteous training, do not grapple with him under any circumstance.
Extreme Sweaters
If at all possible, try to avoid grappling with people who sweat profusely. I realize that it is no fault of their own, but it is gross. When they’re on top, their sweat will often puddle in your ears, drip into your mouth and nose, and make you feel utterly nasty in every way possible.
Marathon Grapplers
There are a lot of guys who will go to two or three grappling classes in a row, but for some reason they think it unimportant to bring a fresh T-shirt for each class. Although you will most likely end up sweaty halfway through practice, it is horribly jarring to walk into the gym fresh and begin grappling with a guy with clammy skin and a sweat-soaked shirt. Seriously, it’s like grappling with a fish.
Claw Boy
Claw boy is the kid who sees no reason to trim his fingernails or toenails before practice. If you’ve never grappled, you might think it a trivial thing to bitch about, especially given the brutal nature of MMA. But trust me, a guy with unkempt nails is essentially armed with twenty miniature daggers. Five minutes of grappling with one of these douche bags can turn you into a bloody mess. You end up with foot-long scrape marks across your thighs and, more commonly, the back of your neck. To prevent leaving the gym looking like you just escaped a Vietnam prison camp, always carry a set of clippers with you to practice.
Shadow Man
Men usually shave first thing in the morning, and jujitsu practice tends to be in the evenings. If you’re one of those men who grow facial hair at an alarming rate, please shave again before coming to practice. Beards are totally cool, but rolling with someone who has a five-o’clock shadow sucks. Seriously, that quarter centimeter of stubble you think looks so cool is essentially sandpaper, and it has the ability to shave skin off your opponent’s body. If you’ve got one of these Don Johnson–type douche bags in your gym, avoid him like the plague until he mows his face.
The Band-Aid King
Band-Aids can be found in every medicine cabinet and people love them. They can be used to hide nasty pimples from the world or prevent cuts and scrapes from getting infected. In the everyday world, people who use Band-Aids are smart. In the grappling world, people who use Band-Aids are seriously retarded. I understand them wanting to prevent an open wound from smearing in their opponent’s face, but they must have experienced some serious head trauma to actually believe that the minor adhesive holding the Band-Aid in place can endure a heated grappling match. Unfortunately, the majority of the time the Band-Aid doesn’t simply fall off—it transfers from his skin to yours. Sometimes you are completely unaware of this transference until you get home and your girlfriend looks at you funny and says, “I think you have something stuck to your neck.” She peels it off, and sure enough, you find your training partner’s bloody Band-Aid that mysteriously vanished during training. To avoid this outcome, cover all wounds with the tape you use to wrap your hands.
Warthogs
You should avoid grappling with guys who have excessive warts for the same reasons you should avoid grappling with guys who wear Band-Aids—they get torn off and end up stuck to the side of your face.
A Good Heart Ain’t Just a Punchy Metaphor for Toughness
If you want to improve your conditioning for fighting, you must do sports-specific cardio workouts. Running and plyometrics are both great, but they should be seen as icing on the cake. Personally, I design my workout to resemble a pyramid (similar to the tried-and-true Food Pyramid), the base of which is live sparring. For example, I’ll do position sparring where I’m on my back for three one-minute rounds. In each round, a fresh fighter comes in and takes the top position. It works out great for him because he is fresh and can go balls out for his one minute, practicing his ground-and-pound, going for submissions, and working his passes. And it works out great for the guy on bottom because he has to suffer and survive for three rounds with fresh fighters. Not only is this key for developing your stamina, but it also teaches you how to relax. Floyd Mayweather Jr. has hands like lightning because he always remains calm and relaxed. When he moves, he is resting, and as a result he never gets tired. It’s the same with Anderson Silva.
It is also important to break down why you are doing something. For example, at the beginning of practice I’ll often hit mitts. My goal is not to develop cardio, but rather to work on form and speed. So I’ll make sure every punch I throw is perfect and crisp. I keep my hands up, and utilize exact and deliberate movements. Then, at the end of the day, I’ll go back to the mitts, but this time, instead of working to improve my form, I work for conditioning. I still keep my hands up and chin down, but since now my intentions are different, my punches don’t have to be perfect. I’ll go past the point of exhaustion to simulate how the fight will truly be. If I have anything left over, I go running. As Wanderlei says, “It’s better to push yourself in training than in the weight room.” After all, you’re not going to try to deadlift your opponent or bench-press your way out of a rear-naked choke. Chances are you’ll spend a lot more time punching and grappling with an opponent, and so that is how you should get your cardio—through punching and grappling. I have a friend who constantly does plyos, jumps rope, and runs three miles in nineteen minutes. When he got totally gassed out in a fight, he asked me why. My answer was simple: “You hardly ever spar, stupid.”
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t go running, because it can be very beneficial for strengthening your lungs and toughening up your body. I’m just saying that you should go running after you have already gotten your sports-specific training out of the way.
Thou Shalt Spread Thy Seed Before Weigh-ins
You may have picked up this book simply to read my thoughts on sex before a fight, and I think that’s disgusting. But since you’re already reading, I suppose I should give you my thoughts, under the assumption that you’re reading this book for the sake of sharpening your fighting-dar and not for the visual of me getting my prefight on.
I think you absolutely should have sex the night before the weigh-ins. Go ahea
d and shed a little bit of that nervous energy and sweat a little. At the very least, you’ll lose a pound or two—which could make the difference between a big payday and humiliation, fat ass. But with regard to prepugilistic sex, think of it this way: sex gets your heart going, and anything that gets your heart going is good for fighting. To be entirely honest, not that you asked (but I know you’re thinking it, perv), I hardly ever have sex before a fight, but it’s not because I think it will somehow drain my chi. Usually, I’m just so overtrained that I’m too banged up to bang. I simply can’t get it up. But if you do have sex, don’t have crazy sex. If you’re with a new chick, you’ll obviously want to make a time of it, get a little rough. You have to be careful with this—if you’re going full board and can last for more than five minutes, you’re liable to get penis chaffing, which will get aggravated tenfold in your cup while fighting. The risk obviously lessens when you’re actually able to make the woman wet, but come on, who really worries about that.
When pounding away like a construction worker, it’s also possible to get physically injured. This can happen when your erection has an unfortunate, high-impact collision with your chick’s pelvic bone, causing your schlong to forcibly fold in one direction or another. The blood vessels inside the shaft rupture, leading to what is often referred to as “Broke Dick.” The best way to avoid this injury prior to your fight is to politely ask your lady to blow you (and, for the lady fighters—you know who you are—ask politely for your guy to, um, do the deed and go downtown). If she really cares about you, she’ll do it without hesitation. No one gets hurt, and no one goes away unhappy. So have no fear about getting some, just don’t go boogie nights with it.
Sweep the Leg
If you’ve ever seen the movie The Karate Kid, you undoubtedly remember the final fight scene between Daniel-san and evil Johnny from the even eviler Cobra Kai dojo. It was the ultimate battle between good and evil—the most intense fight scene ever captured on film. The Karate Kid is limping around the point-sparring mats, one knee jacked up beyond belief. Johnny is all fired up, his sleeveless black gi covered in point-sparring sweat. All the mothers in the crowd call the name of their hero, creating a ravenous roar for blood that could have stifled the cries of the heathens that filled the stands of the Colosseum in ancient Rome. Who is going to win this epic battle? It is close—too close. Before the fighters step to each other for the final exchange of slaps, Johnny’s sensei pulls him aside and utters those three infamous words, SWEEP THE LEG. Like an ancient sun trying to peer over the horizon of a darkened land, Johnny’s rough exterior breaks for a moment, showing the flame of compassion rising up from the most distant recesses of his being, but that compassion wanes as quickly as it has waxed, and then the grasp his dastardly instructor has over his conscious mind once again takes hold. Yes, Johnny thinks, a sinister gleam in his eye. Yes, I am going to sweep Daniel-san’s bad leg. I’m going to attack his weaknesses and then bathe in his innards!
* * *
DICK IN A BOX
by Luke
Things You Might Not Want to Know About Forrest
1) As a child, Forrest had an insatiable desire for a pair of black leather pants.
2) In high school we’d sometimes play the drinking game “quarters.” When it was Forrest’s turn to drink, he would consume not only the beer, but also the quarter at the bottom of the cup. In one game, he swallowed a buck fifty.
3) When Forrest went to court for a street fight in high school, the judge asked him if he had anything to say. Forrest replied, “Yeah, I have something to say, but I don’t want it to be used against me.” The judge shook his head and returned, “Son, you’re in court. Everything will be held against you.”
4) In high school, Forrest’s favorite basketball team was the Spurs, and his favorite player was Dennis Rodman. Although he doesn’t have any tattoos, he has always admired hustlers and people who have no problem being themselves.
5) Forrest is good friends with most of the people who kicked his ass in high school.
6) Forrest accidentally brought a loaded gun through an airport X-ray machine. He was arrested, but the charges were later dropped.
7) Forrest has the bad habit of constantly grabbing and fondling his pecker. In high school, chicks would always come up to me and say, “We think your friend Forrest is cute and everything, but why is he always grabbing his dick?” Forrest’s defense is that he had hernia surgery, and he wants to check to make sure everything is still there.
8) In middle school, Forrest was obsessed about people thinking he was gay. Normally, when two guys go to the movies, they’ll leave one seat between them. This is commonly referred to as the “gay seat.” Forrest insisted on a “gay aisle.” He’d shout over at me, “Hey, do you think people will think we’re gay?” I’d reply, “I’m pretty sure people won’t think we even know each other.”
9) If Forrest is passed out and you pour beer on his face, he will wake up and put you in a triangle hold until you pass out. Fact.
10) In high school, Forrest had sex with his girlfriend in the front row of a Lords of Acid concert.
11) When Forrest encounters two guys fighting in the street, he will immediately break them apart. Instead of sending them on their way, he’ll give them a quick coaching lessen and then referee the bout.
12) Forrest’s middle name is Estergall, but he recently paid forty-five dollars to have it legally changed.
13) Forrest and I used to train and spar drunk all the time. We figured that if we were to get into a street fight, we’d most likely be drunk, and we wanted to be prepared.
* * *
I know what you’re thinking: Forrest, you fucked that all up. It was WAY more intense than that. Yes, I know. But I had to re-create the scene because I have a question for you. In your opinion, do you think the evil sensei was wrong to tell Johnny to sweep Daniel-san’s leg? If you think it was disgusting advice, that he should have instead told his student to ignore the leg and try to win by attacking Daniel-san’s strengths, consider yourself a martial artist. If you feel his instruction was spot on, that perhaps he should have added “break that wounded pipe cleaner in half and put that Miyagi wannabe down for good,” then, and only then, can you consider yourself a fighter.
If you’re sitting there right now, nodding your head and thinking, Yep, I’m a martial artist, and proud to be one, you know absolutely nothing about fighting. You think you know something about fighting, but you don’t. Chances are you’re a fat, middle-aged man who wears pajamas and runs his mouth at least twice a week about the effectiveness of dim mak and how you could kill any MMA fighter with a single touch. I’m not trying to insult you. If your delusion makes you happy, more power to you. I’m just trying to clarify the difference between fighters and most martial artists. For the record, fighters are people who actually compete in real fights. Their sparring gear isn’t constructed from cheap plastic a quarter of an inch thick because they actually hit one another. They do not throw punches from the hip because they realize the practicality of protecting their face. They know if the techniques shown to them really work because they test them every day in the gym and in the ring. They’ve beaten the shit out of people and had the shit beaten out of them, and through such beatings they’ve not only become mentally and physically tough, but have also learned that fighting is a dog-eat-dog world. If your opponent’s leg is injured and it floats away from his body, you latch onto that sucker and go for the submission. He has the option to tap, but if he’s too late or too stupid, it’s really not your fault. You don’t want to try to break your opponent’s leg, but what happens, happens. Going easy to avoid injuring your opponent is a good way to get your ass kicked.
In my experience, people involved in MMA call themselves fighters. People who talk about fighting call themselves martial artists. But then again, GSP calls himself a martial artist…In order not to screw up my theory, I think he should gain a bunch of weight, lose his good looks, and take up point sparring.
That’s all I have to say about that.
Finish Him!
If you want to be a good grappler, play as many video games as possible. Personally, I suck at video games, which is the reason my jujitsu isn’t off-the-charts good. Jeremy Horn, Mike Pyle—all the guys who have sick jujitsu play an obscene amount of video games. It helps with your eye/hand coordination or some shit like that. As a matter of fact, I think Mark Lamen actually has his students play video games to get better at jujitsu.
Cutting Weight One Pound at a Time
(or, Kill the Siamese Sumo, Chunky Trunks)
Although weight cutting can be a brutal experience, it is a vital activity in the fight game—you don’t make weight, you don’t fight. As a rule of thumb, you want to compete in the weight class below your natural weight. If you weigh 170 pounds, you want to compete in the 155-pound division. If you walk around at 220 pounds like me, you want to compete at 205 pounds in the light heavyweight division. The goal is to drop weight the night before the event for the weigh-ins, and then quickly put the weight back so you have a weight advantage over your opponent. Every fighter has a different method for shedding the extra pounds before a fight. It’s impossible to say which one is best because everyone handles weight loss differently. The important part is finding a method that works for you. To help steer you in this direction, I’ll give you my personal strategy.
Got Fight? Page 5
