Pushing Daisies: The best TV show of all time. This time I mean it. The fact that this show was canceled has caused me to lose all faith in humanity. If people cannot appreciate Pushing Daisies, we are doomed. What? They canceled it? Fuck.
BOOK 4
HANDLING YOUR BUSINESS
A Gym by Any Other Name Don’t Smell as Sweet
If you’re just getting into mixed martial arts, before worrying about finding a fight coach, a manager, and a decent promoter, you’ve got to put in at least a year of hard training. (How did I come up with a year?…Because I said so.) How quickly you advance will depend a lot on your natural athleticism and motivation, but it is also extremely important to find a good gym. Luckily, the majority of gyms allow you to take an introductory trial, and I strongly suggest going to as many of these as possible before making your decision. It’s easy to get swayed by metals and trophies and titles, most of which belong to the gym’s coaches, but oftentimes great fighters make horrible coaches. In the beginning, you don’t need a world-champion jujitsu black belt. All you need is someone who will take the time to show you the basics, which can be accomplished by a blue belt. After each introductory class, you should ask yourself three things: 1) Did I have fun? 2) Did I get pushed? 3) Did I learn something? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you’ve probably found a good gym to kick-start your training. However, it is also important to take location into consideration. If the best gym is twenty minutes across town, there is a larger probability that you’ll bail on class after a busy day. If you’re like most of us and have motivational issues, sometimes your best bet is to choose the gym that is not quite as good but more convenient. Better to get to a decent gym three times a week than a great gym three times a month. Fatty.
Put Me in, Coach
(but Please Don’t Push from Behind)
Once you make the decision to start fighting professionally, it’s in your best interests to find a fight coach to monitor your training and prepare you for your upcoming bouts. I was fortunate because I began my training with a group of guys who were all active fighters, and when I showed promise in the sport, they unselfishly tailored practice to my needs. They also proved to be excellent cornermen, which often isn’t the case. I’ve seen this a lot—a fighter agrees to corner his buddy and help him through weight cutting and all the bullshit he needs to do to get ready for the big night, but having just recently come off a fight himself, all he wants to do is party. When it comes to fight night, the cornerman is either hungover or still drunk, leading to predictably terrible advice. To avoid such an outcome, as well as get the best possible training leading up to the fight, it is in your best interest to get an actual fight coach.
There are a lot of fight coaches out there, but finding the right one can be difficult. Oftentimes, the right one isn’t the best one. Take Greg Jackson, for example. The guy is undoubtedly one of the best coaches out there, but he’s got more than a dozen professional fighters. Unless you’re a UFC champion, he’s going to give his other fighters priority. He’ll give you excellent attention when it’s your time, but the guy only has so many hours in the day, and if his schedule is overbooked, the smaller names get bumped from the roster. I’ve had opportunities to train with a number of top Muay Thai coaches, but the reason I remain with my coach is that I’M HIS PRIORITY (bigger name don’t mean better). If something comes up in my schedule, he bumps the other guys to ensure I get my time with him. The primary thing to look for is attention.
Finding a coach also comes down to money. If you’re like most fighters getting their start, you’re dirt-poor, which means you can’t afford to pay your coach an hourly rate. To get around this, a lot of fighters offer their coach 10 percent of their fighting purse. This can seem like a lot of money, but when you’re competing in the smaller events making five hundred to show and five hundred to win, you’re coach at best will make a hundred bucks. Considering the time he has to invest getting you ready for a fight, it boils down to pennies an hour. So in the beginning, the key is to find someone with a modicum of MMA knowledge who believes in you. It helps if they’re independently wealthy, but that’s not your problem.
As your rep grows, you’ll have more options. You’ll most likely get offers from some of the better-known coaches in the sport and leave poor Mickey—who had to survive on escarole soup in order to train your unappreciative ass—drowning in a puddle of his own tears. But if you wanna be a fighter, you’ve gotta get selfish and go with the best being offered to you. But as a warning, some of these coaches come attached to teams—meaning if you want Bill as your Muay Thai coach, you have to take João for jujitsu, Gary for boxing, and Tim for conditioning. They’re like a private practice. Personally, I have chosen not to take this route. Being a part of a fight team has never appealed to me—I’m sort of a micromanager like that. I know my strengths and weaknesses and have a pretty good sense of what, together, will compose the best program for me. So I hire various coaches to help me with my training. I’ve got a jujitsu coach, a Muay Thai coach, a couple of boxing coaches, and then I use fellow fighter Mike Pyle to help me put my overall game plan together. That’s just how I roll.
Finding a Fight Manager
Having a fight manager isn’t mandatory, but it is certainly helpful, young fighters. “But, Forrest, I work at the gas station for three bucks an hour and you’re a big famous fighter with lots of money and cute dimples.” Okay, you got me. I do have cute dimples. But, even when I started out back in the day, I had a fight manager. His name was Frank Bishop, and he was basically a guy who got on the Internet and searched for promoters who had openings in their events. Once he found me a fight, he’d get the paperwork and forge my signature so I didn’t have to drive all the way down to his office. That’s about all he did. His only qualifications were that he could talk on the telephone and use a computer, but he prevented me from having to do a bunch of bullshit that would take time away from my training.
But just because you have a manager doesn’t mean he’ll be able to pull in big-money deals right off the bat. The biggest fight my first manager got me was with Dan Severn. I was supposed to receive two hundred and fifty bucks, but because of a misunderstanding, I only received two hundred. The bottom line is that if you want the money to start rolling in, you’ve got to win fights and make a name for yourself. Once you do that, the better-known managers will get drawn toward you like flies toward shit. Then, as you did with Mickey, you may have to leave your scrappy manager for greener pastures. For a small percentage of everything you make, a good manager will get you large fights, sponsorship deals, and free goods. They’ll also fill out the mountains of paperwork and market you to the public. By nature, managers tend to be sleazy people. A good manager is still sleazy, he just isn’t sleazy to you. However, regardless of who your manager is and what kind of golden rep he has, read everything you sign. I remember awhile back a promoter paid Din Thomas some money to keep him exclusive, but he never ended up seeing a penny of it. Around that same time, I had a few fights where the checks bounced. Managers tend to have an obsession with money, and it’s best not to tempt them by putting all your finances in their hands.
Those Are My Cornermen You’re Talking About
Before every fight, tell your corner how you want them to talk to you. Personally, I like calm, positive instruction. Having more than one person talking at a time confuses my simple mind. However, a lot of fighters like their cornermen to be a lot more confrontational. Some actually like them to shout degrading comments such as, “What are you doing, you pathetic puddle of panty waste? Why aren’t you hitting him? Why aren’t you kicking him? You’re going to lose this fight and then you won’t be nothing.” And others like their cornermen to psych them up, no matter how poorly they’re doing. They could be getting the shit kicked out of them and still want to hear things like, “He might have kicked you a dozen times in the face, but that ain’t nothing. I think you hurt his shin with your skull. Look at him over there, s
miling with your blood all over him. He’s going to crack—any second now he’s going to crack!” I’m not going to tell you what is the wrong approach because we all get motivated differently. The important part is realizing what approach works best for you, and then passing that information on to your cornermen before you’re two rounds deep into a fight. You’d be surprised how important this is. When you’re exhausted and beat up, the wrong words from those in your corner can make you want to quit or fight them, while the right ones can have a revitalizing effect. But also remember that you brought some of these blockheads with you to the fight because you think they might have something valuable to offer. So, be ready to listen. The right coach should have perspective and see where your opponent is weak so that he can tip you off. You can gain valuable insight as the fight progresses. A fight is no time to lose confidence in your cornermen.
* * *
DICK IN A BOX
by Adam Singer
I noticed that in the last section Forrest talked about the importance of having a sober cornerman, which is quite comical because every time he gets near a cage when he’s not fighting, he’s stone drunk. I remember one time not long ago he was asked to referee a cage fight in Macon, Georgia. Even though he was quite drunk at the time, he happily agreed. As it turned out, the fight was between a sixty-year-old man named Skip and a twenty-one-year-old kid. So Forrest climbed into the ring and started the action. A few seconds later, the twenty-one-year-old kid knocks the old man down, mounts him, and starts beating the living shit out of him with punches and elbows. Any referee in his right mind would have immediately stopped the action, but that’s not what Forrest did. Squatting down, he began shouting, “Skip, it’s up to you. It’s up to you, Skip.” Well, Skip didn’t hear what Forrest was saying because he was unconscious at that point. The kid just kept dropping savage punches to Skip’s face, and Forrest kept shouting, “It’s up to you, Skip. It’s up to you.” Eventually, Skip woke up in the middle of the beating and tapped. It was the most horrific refereeing job I had ever seen, but that was pretty much run-of-the-mill for Forrest. He has actually been asked to referee a number of fights in Georgia, and generally he’s done a terrible job each time. When it comes to cornering fighters, he’s no better. I remember one time Forrest and me got shit-faced before cornering one of our amateur fighters. Just as our guy climbed into the cage, Forrest and me got into an argument about something. Instead of doing our job and giving our guy instructions, we spent the whole fight yelling at each other. Luckily, our boy slammed his opponent to the mat and finished him fairly quickly. I was pretty disgusted by the whole thing, so I settled our little dispute after the fight by palming Forrest as hard as I possibly could in the nuts while in the parking lot of a Steak ’n Shake…Ahhh, memories.
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BOOK 5
42 FIGHTING TIPS
STANCE
Every martial art has different guidelines regarding stance, and those guidelines are set by the rules and goals of that particular style. In Greco-Roman wrestling, the goal is to chuck your opponent to the mat, but with the rules prohibiting you from dropping your hands below your opponent’s waist, the majority of your techniques are executed from the clinch, making a high stance most appropriate to the style. In freestyle wrestling, the goal is also to take your opponent to the mat, but with the rules allowing you to attack his legs, assuming a low stance is often more effective. In Muay Thai, the goal is to bludgeon your opponent with strikes. As a result, a high stance is a must. Although the stance of two fighters from the same discipline might appear quite different, they both follow the same set of general guidelines. It is no different in MMA. In order to be effective in a sport where both striking and grappling are allowed, your stance must adhere to a set of guidelines. Your height, build, strengths, and weaknesses will determine the nuances of your stance, but breaking the general guidelines will create openings that your opponent can capitalize upon and likely lead to your demise.
throbbing TIP #1: FEET A SHOULDER’S WIDTH APART
When you assume a fighting stance, your feet should be spread roughly a shoulder’s width apart. In addition to providing a perfect blend of balance and mobility, this gives you a strong base, allowing you to effectively execute offensive and defensive techniques.
most likely infected TIP #2: STRAIGHT AND FORTY-FIVE
Foot positioning is very important. To maintain a proper stance, you want the toes of your lead foot pointing toward your opponent at all times and the toes of your rear foot pointing off to the side at a forty-five-degree angle. By positioning your feet in this manner, you can explode in any direction and maximize your offensive and defensive options.
veiny TIP #3: BALLS OF YOUR FEET
You never want to be flat-footed. If your heels are on the mat, you compromise your balance, hinder your ability to execute explosive attacks, and make it much more difficult to evade your opponent’s attacks. For these reasons, you always want to remain on the balls of your feet.
I swear, honey, just the TIP #4: KNEES SLIGHTLY BENT
Always keep your knees slightly bent. Just as with remaining on the balls of your feet, this creates a spring effect, allowing you to attack or defend at the drop of a dime. If your knees are locked, your balance is compromised and your legs can easily be injured or broken by kicks or takedowns. However, it is important not to bend your knees too much, as this will make it difficult to strike or defend against strikes.
bulbous TIP #5: HANDS UP BITCH
This is the most important tip of the lot. By keeping your hands up at eye level, you create a barrier your opponent has to break through to reach your face. I know what you’re thinking—Forrest, I’ve seen you with your hands down by your waist in more than a few fights. True, but I was born ugly, so I don’t give a damn about busting up my mug. I’m not going to lie—keeping your hands up when fatigued can be a major son of a bitch. It can feel like you’re holding two fifty-pound weights above your shoulders. If you absolutely can’t hold them up any longer, use your feet; circle, backpedal, shake your arms out. But when you step back into striking range, return your hands to their proper positions, as they are the gatekeepers to your good looks.
smell my TIP #6: ARMS SLIGHTLY EXTENDED
In addition to keeping your arms up, you also want to keep them properly extended. If you hold them too close to your face, it can be difficult to utilize any form of blocking other than the boxing cover-up, which doesn’t tend to work that well in MMA because of the smallness of the gloves. If you keep them extended too far away from your body, it can be difficult to strike with any type of real power—unless, of course, you have mastered Bruce Lee’s one-inch punch. (For all you dumb-asses, that’s called sarcasm.) The goal is to find that happy medium where you can both strike and defend against strikes effectively.
oh my God, is that your TIP #7: ELBOWS IN
Never let your elbows flare out to your sides. Keeping them tucked in when striking allows you to transfer the energy generated by your feet and hips through your arm and into your opponent. When in your stance, keeping your elbows tucked allows you to block strikes aimed at your body. If you forget this cardinal rule and let your elbows drift away from your sides, your opponent can use them as handles to pull you off balance and set up a takedown.
purple TIP #8: CHIN TUCKED AND SHOULDERS SHRUGGED
Whether you are fighting on your feet or off your back, keeping your chin tucked is mandatory. If you’re the type of douche bag who needs to know reasons, let me offer you some: 1) It makes your head less of an empty ball bobbling on the end of a stick and more a part of your shoulders, which in turn protects your jaw from getting knocked to the back side of your dome by your opponent’s fist. 2) If your opponent should heft you off your feet and execute a throw, keeping your chin tucked can prevent you from breaking that good ol’ neck of yours. 3) When fighting off your back, it hinders your opponent from bouncing your head off the canvas like a basketball and causing you serious
damage (as if head trauma could do you any worse). Although breaking this habit can be difficult, there are things you can do. During practice, pinch a tennis ball between your chin and chest while hitting the mitts, working on the heavy bag, and doing light sparring. At first the ball will most likely fall every two seconds, but with time your chin will naturally begin to stay down. If you ignore my advice in favor of being that arrogant prick who keeps his chin up as though he’s trying to smell a taller man’s asshole, don’t expect me to come visit you in the hospital.
MOVEMENT
When your opponent attacks, movement is your best line of defense. Blocking can certainly be effective, but why risk possible injury when you can get out of the way? In addition to avoiding an unnecessary impact, evading an attack using movement is also an excellent way to disrupt your opponent’s balance. If he expects to transfer his forward energy into a target, and then misses, he’ll often lose his footing, allowing you to quickly capitalize on his compromised positioning.
Movement is also essential to every attack. Without proper footwork, you’ll never hit a damn thing. You don’t want to be that douche bag who fires off elaborate combinations while standing ten feet away from his opponent. In addition to burning needless energy, it makes you look like a special-needs kid having a private battle with a gang of imaginary Mutant Ninja Turtles. Below, I offer some tips about footwork and movement that will make you harder to hit, your strikes more effective, and your takedowns a lot easier to manage.
Got Fight? Page 15
