by Aiden Bates
What had the world come to when I was seriously taking love advice from my youngest brother? What did I expect him to know at twenty-two that I didn’t at thirty-two?
He took a deep breath and continued. “Do you want to keep up with the lie, or do you want it to be real?” He looked at Kairo for support. “That’s the crux of it, isn’t it?”
Kairo nodded. “Pretty much. Either way, Grady needs to be honest with Rome and tell him the truth before feelings get hurt.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I stood on Rome’s front porch and just one word ran through my head. Fuck.
I swallowed as nausea rolled in my gut. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that last mouthful of apple pie. It had pushed me over the edge, especially as I’d eaten arguably more than my fair share of the bread Leo had brought from his bakery. An occasional car passed by on the street, but Rome lived in a pretty quiet neighborhood and his family-sized home felt kind of imposing. Lights shone from the other windows on the street, and I tried not to imagine the lives going on inside those houses.
I paced from one side of Rome’s porch to the other, trying to keep my footsteps quiet as I rubbed my hands together, trying to ball up my courage to knock on the door.
My phone rang, the sound jarring and loud. I pulled it from my pocket, automatically making a shushing noise before I glanced at the screen. Rome.
“Hey.” I kept my voice low, almost a whisper.
“Gray, are you going to carry on wearing out the wood on my porch, or are you going to knock on the door?”
I closed my eyes as embarrassment heated my face. “I guess I’ll knock.”
He chuckled. “Good. I guess I’ll answer.”
I knocked as I slid my phone back into the pocket, and the hollow sound rang ominously into the night.
The door opened almost immediately, and Rome grinned at me. “Hey, you.”
I’d seen Rome smile so much more than usual recently, and it looked really good on him.
“What brings you to lurk on my porch on a cold Sunday evening?” He reached out and drew me inside.
I looked at my hands as I twined my fingers together, my knuckles whitening as I twisted and untwisted them. “I…uh…” I glanced back at Rome. “I… We need to talk.”
He stepped back. “Oh, now there’s a phrase in a tone that sounds kind of familiar. Let nobody call you original, Gray.”
“What?”
His entire demeanor had changed. He’d gone from being open and relaxed, to looking closed, his arms folded, his posture defensive.
“Why are you being a dick?” I blurted before pressing my mouth closed. That wasn’t what I’d come to say to him at all.
He sighed and looked past me, out of the still open door. A car drove past, its lights flickering briefly across Rome’s face, and I caught my breath at the tension there.
“Are you here to finish our fake relationship? Are you fake breaking up with me?”
I thought of all the things I’d discussed with my brothers. I didn’t want to do fake anymore.
“Yes,” I said.
12
Rome
I closed my eyes against the sudden pain lancing through my chest. I’d expected this visit from Grady, but I’d hoped against it. And just knowing something would eventually happen didn’t make it any easier to deal with when it finally did.
I clamped down on the grief blooming inside me, replacing it with cool numbness. I had to rely on my business brain and the poker face mask I used during meetings to get me through the next five minutes. Because surely that was all it would take?
Grady didn’t need to explain himself. I didn’t need to do an autopsy or deep dive on a relationship that had never really existed. Neither of us needed to spare too much time on fake news.
I cleared my throat, but it stayed tight like I couldn’t draw enough air. “That’s cool.” I nodded. “I get it. I’m surprised we were able to make it last as long as we did, really.”
Gray’s eyes widened. “I’m not sure you understand.”
I chuckled. Sure, I understood. I’d saved Grady from too much embarrassment and now I was surplus to requirements once again. I didn’t exactly need to hear it in plainer English from him—and especially not in the exact entryway where I’d come all over my hand thinking about him.
“Can we sit for a minute?”
I nodded, even though that was the last thing I wanted. It seemed an unusual form of punishment when the guy I loved needed to explore the finer points of fake breaking up with me after our fake relationship.
Gray led the way to my comfy denim blue couches and perched on the edge of one. He looked tired, and I wanted to wrap him in a hug and let him sleep against me again. But that would never fly now.
I sat on the other couch, as far away as I could be, almost as if I expected a physical assault. But I needed this distance. The physical state tied to my emotional one, and I needed to just get through this. I almost smiled at the irony of a fake breakup hurting far more than any of my real ones.
Grady looked up at me and opened his mouth but hesitated. Then he sighed. “How do you feel about me, Rome?”
I couldn’t speak. Right now, I couldn’t tell him about the depths my sadness reached about him, the physical pain sitting in front of him brought me, or the joy I found in memories of kissing him. Those feelings were too raw, and they felt like a secret I had to guard and keep safe just for myself.
I played it safe. A fake breakup deserved a fake response. “You’re my best friend.”
He remained quiet, just watching me. I watched his chest rise and fall, and I counted the breaths he took, keeping pace with the ticking clock on my mantel. Finally, he spoke. “Is that all I am to you?”
My heartrate picked up, the thudding sounding in my ears until Grady’s mouth moved but I couldn’t hear anything else he was saying. My throat dried, and I swallowed. I didn’t dare to hope. “What are you getting at?”
He shook his head. “Nothing. I don’t know.” He looked up at my ceiling and took a deep breath, seeming to hold it inside his chest for a moment. “I just… I got some advice from my brothers earlier, that’s all.” He chuckled, the sound harsh and without humor. “But they were pretty clueless as usual.” He stood. “It’s clear they were wrong.”
His eyes shone as he looked at me, and he looked at the floor like he was hiding an important part of himself.
“I came to ask that question, really, so I’ll let myself out. Sorry to have interrupted your evening.”
A bow wouldn’t have been out of place with the stiff formality of his words, and he almost speed-walked to the door.
I watched his retreating back in the rising knowledge I couldn’t let him leave. Something wasn’t right, and there were suddenly too many chances I might miss if I let him open that door and walk out into the night.
“Gray.” I caught up to him as he wrapped his fingers around the door handle, and I rested my hand on his forearm to stop him.
He looked at me, and hot affection cascaded through me, almost in a rush of pain. My heart squeezed at the sadness in his eyes. Then he looked away, half turning from me and seeming to focus on his feet on my welcome mat, pointed to head out of my door.
“I first crushed on you when we were roommates at Elsdon,” I blurted out, and once those words were out, my mouth just kept moving, fueled by a growing sense of panic. “I kept it to myself. I didn’t even really know what gay was.” I sighed. “And as the years went by, I knew I was attracted to men by then. And the crush on you… It never really went away. But you had a crush on Eli.”
Gray opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but I couldn’t let him in case my courage all disappeared, so I carried on, willing him to understand that I needed to get this out. I’d kept it to myself for a long time. Maybe too long. Maybe not long enough. I’d soon know if Grady left my house without a backward glance.
But I’d have no regrets.
“You had a crush on E
li,” I said again, “And that never went away, either. So I was happy just to be your friend because you were the only one who really understood me. So when keeping you meant not taking the chance of losing you—” I faltered and nearly choked on my words, taking that exact chance now. “I pushed my crush to the shadows in the back of my head, and I ignored it by seeing other guys. But they were never you. They were never Grady Caldwell.”
I finished and the entire room seemed to spin as the enormity of my confession hit me. I’d changed everything irrevocably, and there was no taking it back.
Grady turned toward me, but everything happened in slow motion. His face was ashen, completely devoid of color, and if I’d thought he was pale as he sat on my couch, I was wrong. His face was slack, his eyes wide, the black pupils pushing the usual beautiful blue color to a thin halo.
His voice was flat when he spoke. “I need you to say very clearly what you mean.”
I froze as fear filled me, washing completely through me like a wave of ice cold.
Unbelievable. I faced down business moguls in boardrooms every day, I made decisions that impacted the lives of other human beings with assurance and almost casual confidence, and I sometimes took risks no sane man would take with the amounts of money I controlled, and all that was easy compared to answering the question Gray had just asked me.
“It will change things.” Terror washed my voice out to a whisper.
“Things changed the moment I found out what your mouth tastes like.”
Heat surged to my cock at his casual reference to our kiss, and a growl pushed past my lips. I moved closer to him, until my body brushed against his, and he flattened his back against the door. He looked up at me.
“I like you as more than a friend, and I have for a long time.” I closed my eyes briefly as another confession spilled from me. “I never stopped hoping that one day you’d look at me and you’d really see me.”
“I see you now,” he whispered.
Then he leaned forward and lifted onto his tiptoes. His lips pressed against mine as soft and fleeting as the wings of a butterfly. Then he did it again. My body reacted to him immediately, and I cupped his face in my hands, angling his chin so I could interlock our mouths. I increased the pressure and slowed my movements, sucking gently on his lower lip, nibbling against it to tease him.
He gasped and I flicked the tip of my tongue to touch the inside of his lip. He spread his fingers up the sides of my neck, toward my ears, and his palms heated my skin as he held me in place so he could touch his tongue against mine.
I drew a slow inhale, breathing him in, filling my chest with all the warm vanilla and spice he had to give.
I drew back and rested my forehead against his, my breathing short sharp puffs. “I don’t want to lose you. We need to think about this carefully.”
“Yeah.” My head moved as he nodded, and I chuckled.
But my humor didn’t last long. The idea of losing his friendship, the one I’d nourished and nurtured for so long so I wouldn’t lose it, devastated me, and fear trickled through me again.
“How about…” His voice was soft, uncertain. “How about we date for real to see if we’re compatible or not?” He stopped, and when he spoke again, his voice was stronger. “And if we aren’t, we’ll just go back to being friends again. Like nothing ever happened.”
Like nothing ever happened. They sounded like famous last words. But he was willing to try, and it was all I’d ever wanted—Grady to truly be mine.
“Yes.” I kissed his cheek, then the sensitive spot just beneath his ear, the tip of his nose, the side of his mouth… “And our first date can be this Friday,” I murmured against his neck.
“I can’t wait.” His breathing sounded as irregular as mine had been.
I captured his lips again, sliding my tongue into his mouth, the movement slow and sensual. I wasn’t in any hurry. I was going to make Grady Caldwell mine, no matter what.
13
Grady
I’d just dismissed my students to recess when my cell phone vibrated in my pocket, and their chatter and laughter hadn’t completely faded down the hallway as I glanced at the screen.
I wasn’t expecting a call today, and it was a Lakeshore area code. Hope started a wild beat in my heart. Maybe it was the call I was hoping for rather than one I was expecting. I took a deep breath. The university could call with bad news, too.
Crossing my fingers, I pressed to answer and lifted the phone to my ear.
“Grady Caldwell.” I never answered my phone with my name, and it seemed to put the person on the other end off their flow as well.
They hesitated. “Mr. Caldwell?”
“Yes?” My word was tinged with the anxiety gradually working through my system.
“This is Helen Stevens at Lakeshore University.”
I didn’t move. My heart didn’t even beat until she spoke again.
“I’m calling with good news.”
I inhaled a sharp breath.
“Congratulations, we’d like to offer you the position of English professor you recently interviewed for. As discussed during your interview…”
I had to remind myself to listen rather than focusing on containing my squeal of delight. Emotion threatened to close my throat.
“You will also teach creative writing, and your start date is January. In the meantime, we need you to return to the university to begin your paperwork. I’ll email you all the details and dates you can choose from to come back into the department to look at that paperwork and start the HR aspects.” She stopped speaking and waited. Then, “Mr. Caldwell?”
“Wow,” I blurted.
She laughed quietly. “Congratulations, Mr. Caldwell. We look forward to seeing you very soon. Don’t forget to check your email.”
“Wow,” I said again. “Just wow. I mean, thank you.” Joy filled me as we said goodbye and hung up.
I glanced at the calendar hanging in my classroom. January gave me a few months to prepare lesson plans for the university students, but I had a lot to do between now and then. My third graders were still chasing each other around outside, and I headed to the breakroom.
I whistled as I walked through the door, and Eli looked in my direction immediately, glancing up from his phone. “You sound happy, dude.”
I dropped in the seat next to him, desperate to share my news with a friend without informing every member of staff in the breakroom before I told the principal. I leaned closer to Eli. “You’re looking at Lakeshore’s newest professor,” I murmured.
He drew back. “What?”
“I got the job,” I continued. “They literally just called.” My smile felt like it might stretch right off my face. “I can’t believe it.”
“Well, I can.” His voice and eyes hardened.
“What?” Confusion flashed through me.
“Don’t be dumb, Grady. Neither of us is stupid.” He scoffed. “Who does Rome know on the faculty?”
“What?” Confusion gave way to a creeping cold that numbed my chest.
“He clearly pulled some strings.” Eli’s eyes flashed with an anger I’d never seen directed at me before. “So don’t come in here telling me how you’ve got the job that should have been mine. I was clearly the better candidate, and I’m the most qualified.”
I usually avoided any sort of conflict or confrontation, especially where Eli was concerned, but his reaction had surpassed just simple disappointment—I could have handled his disappointment, apologized for it even, but I didn’t deserve his resentment.
“That’s not true.”
His eyes widened. He wasn’t used to any degree of challenge from me, either.
“Give me a break, Eli.” Angry words surged into my head and poured out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Sure, it’s easier to think I didn’t get the job because of me and how I presented, but no one pulled any strings on my behalf, and you’ve known me long enough that you should absolutely be aware I’m not that guy. And y
ou don’t get to tell me I shouldn’t have this job, that you should have it instead—do you have any idea how entitled that makes you sound?”
I paused to allow him to respond, but he just stared at me—the proverbial deer in headlights.
I shrugged. “Your accusations are wrong, and this isn’t the first time you’ve said something that makes me wonder about the kind of person you’re becoming recently, Eli.” I stood, no longer interested in being surrounded by my colleagues as they overloaded on cheap coffee from cracked mugs and discussed the previous evening’s reality TV. “And I’m really hurt that you think so little of me.” I pushed the sadness away. I needed to be clinical about this and not get emotional in front of everyone. “In fact, I think we both need to reconsider the role of best man at your wedding—it’s increasingly clear you don’t really like me, and you can’t be happy for me, and I’m not sure you’re the kind of man I’m happy to stand up for.”
I walked away, clenching my fists so my trembling fingers didn’t give away how hard that been for me. I was so used to loving Eli without question and hoping that he’d love me back that I never spoke to him harshly. But I didn’t regret my words. I’d wanted him to be happy for me the way I would have been for him.
“Grady.” He called my name, but I pretended not to hear.
I couldn’t return for round two, not when part of me wanted to throw myself at his feet and grovel an apology for behaving so out of character and hurting his feelings.
I headed back to my classroom and pulled out my cell phone. I’d call Adrian. He always made me feel better. But then the bell to end recess sounded and chatter, laughter, and the sound of too many footsteps filled the building again as my children brought chaos back into my classroom.
They slid back into their seats, and I took a deep breath. I needed to make these last couple of months with them count, and I intended to start now.
The rest of the day passed in a riot of laughter and learning as I pushed all of my energy into the lessons I was teaching. Every time I thought of Eli, I redirected myself into something focused on the kids and I got through the afternoon. Eli wandered past the door to my classroom a couple of times, and peered through the glass pane, but I didn’t acknowledge him.
