She shook her head slowly. I ' nothing. I ' ' looked at some of your books. It made him think of the splendid library he had seen in her home the day before, and long before in his own. Thinking back to that made him decide to take the bull by the horns. His eyes carefully sought hers as he lit the pipe.
It's a beautiful home, fr+nulein. She knew instantly which home he meant.
Thank you.
And one day it will be yours again. The war cannot go on forever. He put the pipe down and his heart reached out to her through his eyes. My parents home was taken over, too.
Was it? There was a flicker of interest in her face. Where was it, Lieutenant?
The sadness came back to his eyes as he answered. Outside Dresden. He instantly read the question in her eyes. It wasn't touched by the bombings. The schloss wasn't ' but everything else was ' everyone else ' everyone ' the children, Theodor and Tatianna ' Marianna, his wife ' his parents, his sister, all of them ' gone. Just like her father and brother. Just as certainly. Forever.
How lucky for you. He looked up, startled by her words, and then remembered that they had been speaking of the schloss.
Yes.
And your family?
He drew a sharp breath. Not as lucky, I'm afraid. She waited, the silence growing heavy between them. My children my ' wife ' and my parents.' , were all in the city, He stood up and walked to the fireplace. All she could see now was his back. They were all killed.
Her voice was a gentle whisper. I'm so sorry.
He turned to face her then. No more so than I am for you, fr+nulein. He stood there for a long moment, and their eyes met and held.
Has' She could hardly bring herself to ask him, but she had to know, Has there been some news?
He shook his head slowly. It was time she faced the truth. He had sensed that somewhere in her heart, in her mind, she had refused to face it all along. Your father, fr+nulein, I don't think he just left you ' forgot you. From what I have heard, he was not that kind of man.
She shook her head slowly. No, I know that. Something must have happened to them. And then she looked up at him defiantly. I will find them after ' after the war.
He looked at her sorrowfully and there was a dampness in his eyes. I don't think so, fr+nulein. I think you should understand that now. Hope, false hope, can be a very cruel thing.
Then you've heard? Her heart raced as she stood there.
I've heard nothing. But ' my God, think of it. He left to keep the boy from the army, didn't he? She said nothing. Maybe this was just a cruel trick, to finally get her to betray her father. And she wouldn't. Not even to this man she had almost come to trust. All right, don't tell me. But it's what I assume. And then he shocked her. It's what I would have done. What any sane man would have done to save his son. But he must have been planning to come back for you, Ariana. And the only thing that could have kept him from it was his own death. His and the boy's. There's no way they could have gotten into Switzerland, no way he could have gotten back. I'm sure that the border patrol got them. They must have.
But wouldn't I have heard? There were tears on her cheek now rolling slowly down toward her chin as she listened to his words, and her voice was only a whisper when she spoke.
Not necessarily. They're not exactly the most refined troops we've got out there. If they killed them, and they must have, they would simply have disposed of them. I ' He looked embarrassed for a moment. I already tried to find out. But no one told me anything, fr+nulein. I think, though, that you must face what happened. They're gone. They must be dead.
She turned slowly away from him, her head bowed, her shoulders shaking, and on quiet feet he left the room. A moment later she heard his bedroom door close. She stood there, sobbing softly, and at last she lay on the couch and let herself cry. It was the first time since the whole nightmare had happened that she had truly let herself go. And when it was over, she felt numb.
She didn't see Manfred again until the next morning, and when she did, she avoided his eyes. She didn't want to see his pity, his compassion, his own sorrow it was all she could do to cope with her own.
Often in the next few weeks, Ariana would see him looking at the photographs of the children, and she would feel an ache rise in her own heart as she watched him, thinking of Gerhard and her father, knowing that she would never see them again. And now, as she sat in the living room all afternoon alone, the smiling faces of Manfred's children haunted her, as though they reproached her for being there with their father, when they could be with him no more.
Sometimes she resented them for staring at her, the one with pigtails and white satin bows, the other with such straight blond hair and big blue eyes looking out at her above a smattering of boyish freckles ' Theodor ' But what she resented most about them was that they made the lieutenant human, they made him seem somehow more real. And she didn't want him to be. She didn't want to know about him, or care about him. Despite what he had said when he brought her to Wannsee, he was in a sense her jailer. She didn't want to see him in any other light. She didn't want to know of his dreams or hopes or sorrows, any more than she wanted to tell him of her own. He had no right to know how deeply she felt her grief. He had already seen too much of her life, of her pain and vulnerability. He had seen her at Hildebrand's mercy in the cell at the Reichstag, he had seen her last anguished moments in her own home. He had seen too much, and he had no right to. No one did. She would share no part of herself with anyone ever again Manfred von Tripp sensed this in her, as he sat silently staring into the fire night after night, smoking his pipe and saying little to Ariana as she sat politely by, lost in her own thoughts, behind a wall of her own pain.
She had been in his house for three weeks when he turned to her suddenly one, evening and took her by surprise as he stood up and put down his pipe. Would you like to go for a walk, fr+nulein?
Now? She looked startled and a little bit afraid. Was it a trap? Where was he taking her, and why? The look in her eyes pained him, as he understood all too quickly how great was her fear and her mistrust, still, after all these uneventful days. But it would take a lifetime to blot out the memory of those days in the bowels of the Reichstag. Just as it would take him a lifetime to forget what he'd seen when he'd gone back to Dresden to comb through the ruins of his house ' the dolls lying torn under beams and broken plaster, the twisted silver ornaments of which Marianna had been so proud ' now melted and tarnished ' like her jewelry ' like their dreams. Manfred forced his thoughts back into the present as he looked down into the frightened blue eyes.
Wouldn't you like some exercise? He knew that she had never ventured beyond his garden in the weeks that she'd been there. She was still afraid.
What if there's an air raid?
We'll run to the nearest shelter. You don't have to worry. You'll be safe with me. She felt foolish arguing with the deep, calm voice and the gentle eyes, and slowly she nodded. It would be her first turn out in the world in two months. For a month she'd been in jail, and for almost that long now she'd been in Wannsee, too frightened to stir more than a few feet outside the house. She was haunted by all kinds of terrors, and tonight for the first time Manfred understood to what extent she was afraid. He watched her put her coat on and nodded quietly. Ariana didn't know it, but it was the look he had used on Tatianna, his daughter, when he knew that she was afraid. It's all right. The air will do us both good. All evening he had been warring with his own thoughts. It had been happening more and more now. Not just the thoughts of the children or his parents or his wife ' but there were other thoughts now ' thoughts of Ariana, which had begun to taunt him weeks before. Ready? She nodded silently, her eyes wide, and as they stepped out into the cool evening, he slipped her small gloved hand into the crook of his arm. He pretended not to notice that she absentmindedly clutched his sleeve tightly as they walked along.
It's lovely, isn't it? She glanced up at the sky and smiled again. Her smile was so rare and so beautiful, it made him smile, too.
Yes, it is. And you see, no air raid. But half an hour later, as they had begun to head back toward his house, the sirens started and people began to rush from their houses to the shelters nearby. At the first sound of the sirens, Manfred put an arm around her shoulders and ran toward the shelter with the others.
Ariana ran with him but in her heart she didn't really care if she was safe or not. There was nothing for her to live for.
In the shelter there were women crying, babies screaming, and children playing as they always did. It was always the grown-ups who were frightened. The children had grown up with this war. One of them was yawning, and two others were singing a silly song as the shrieking above them continued and in the distance they heard bombs. Through it all, Manfred watched Ariana, her face quiet, her eyes sad, and without thinking, he reached out and took her hand. She said nothing, she only sat there, holding the big smooth hand in her own and watching those around her, wondering what they lived for, why they went on.
I think it's safe now, fr+nulein. He still called her that most of the time. He stood up and she followed him, and they walked rapidly home. It was a different kind of walk than it had been earlier that evening. He wanted to get her home again where she was safe. As they walked into the front hallway, they stood there for a moment, silent, staring at each other, something new and different in their eyes. But Manfred only nodded and then turned and walked up the stairs.
Chapter 20
Ariana was standing on a chair in the kitchen when he came home the next evening, trying desperately to reach a canister that had been put away on a high shelf. And as he wandered down the hall and saw her, he went quickly to her side and reached it, handing it to her, and then unthinkingly put his hands around her waist and lifted her down from the chair. She blushed slightly and thanked him, and then went to make him his usual cup of tea. But it was as though she sensed something different now, too. Some current of electricity that had not been there before, or that had been, but that had lain dormant between these two troubled people who had so much on their minds. This time when she handed him his teacup she had forgotten the sugar and she blushed again as she turned away.
They were both quiet and strained at dinner, and afterward he suggested another walk. This time everything went smoothly, and there were no air raids until later that night. They both awoke quickly, but too late to flee'they had to take refuge in the cellar, bundled into bathrobes and wearing heavy shoes. Manfred kept a suitcase in the cellar with a change of clothes, in case he had to leave in a hurry, but he realized as he sat there that he had never asked Ariana to bring down some of her things. He suggested it to her now, and she shrugged softly in the light of his pipe. There were pieces of black cloth on the windows, so no one could have seen the tiny speck of light as he smoked. He was puzzled by her gesture, and then he understood.
Don't you care, Ariana, about surviving?
Slowly she shook her head. Why should I?
Because you're still so young. You will build your whole life. When all of this is over, you will have everything ahead of you. She looked unconvinced.
Do you care so much? She had seen the look in his eyes when he looked at those pictures of his children and his wife. Does surviving mean so much to you?
It means more now than it did. His voice was oddly soft. And in time it will mean more to you again, too.
Why? What does any of it matter now? This will never end. Together they listened to the distant bombs. But she didn't seem afraid, only desperately sad. She wanted the bombs to kill all the Nazis, and then she would be free'or dead.
It will end one day soon, Ariana. I promise you. His voice was so soft as they sat in the dark, and as he had the night before, he reached silently for her hand. But this time when he took it, she felt a stirring in her body. He held it for a long time and then she felt him slowly pulling her toward him. She felt unable to resist the gentle motion, and unwilling to push him away. As though it had been what she had always wanted, she felt herself enveloped in the powerful arms, and she felt his mouth come down slowly on hers. The sounds of the bombs in the distance faded, and all she could hear was the pounding in her ears as he held her and kissed her and stroked her, and then breathlessly she pulled away. There was a brief awkward silence and then he sighed. I'm sorry ' I'm so sorry, Ariana' . I shouldn't'. But this time it was Manfred who was astonished as she silenced him with a kiss and then let herself quietly out of the cellar and went upstairs to her room. The next morning neither of them made any mention of what had happened the night before. But each day now there was a drawing closer, a still greater attraction that each found more and more difficult to resist, until at last one morning she awoke to find him standing in her room.
Manfred? She looked at him sleepily, unaware that for the first time she had called him by his first name. Is something wrong? Slowly he shook his head and walked toward the bed. He was wearing blue silk pajamas beneath a dark blue silk robe. For a long instant she wasn't sure what he wanted, and then slowly she understood. She wasn't sure what to say to him as he stood there, but she knew as she looked at him that she wanted this man desperately. She had fallen in love with her captor, Lieutenant Manfred von Tripp. But as he gazed down at her, hungrily, sadly, he realized that he had made a terrible mistake, and before she could say anything he turned away and hurried toward the door. Manfred ' what are you doing ' where'
He turned to look at her. I'm sorry ' I shouldn't have ' o I don't know what ' But she held out her arms to him. Not the arms of a child, the arms of a woman. And he turned slowly to face her and walked toward her with a gentle smile and shook his head.
No, Ariana ' you're only a child. I ' I don't know what happened. I was lying in bed thinking of you for hours and ' I think for a moment I lost my mind. She slipped quietly from her bed then and stood there, waiting for him to come to her, waiting for him to understand. He looked at her with an air of amazement as she stood there, wearing a white flannel nightgown and a small smile. Ariana? He couldn't believe what he saw in her eyes. Darling? ' "It was the merest whisper as he came to her and swept her into his arms, and her mouth found his and she nestled softly into his arms.
I love you, Manfred. She hadn't even known until then that she meant that, but as he held her next to his wildly pounding heart, she knew that she did. And moments later they lay together, and he took her with the tenderness of a man very much in love. He loved her expertly and gently and again and again.
It went on like that until Christmas, as Manfred and Ariana reveled in their private world. Ariana spent all day around the house and in the garden, tidying up and reading, and in the evenings they ate quiet dinners and then stretched out for a little while by the fire, but they went upstairs far more quickly now that there was the lure of the wonders Manfred was teaching Ariana in bed. It was a deep romantic love they shared, and in spite of the loss of her father and Gerhard, Ariana had never been so happy in her life. As for Manfred, he had come back to the land of the living with zest and joy and humor. Those who had known him since the death of his children couldn't quite believe that he was the same man. But for the past two months he and Ariana had been infinitely happy, and now only the threat of Christmas worried both of them a little bit, with ghosts from past lives, past years, no longer around them to share in the young couple's newfound joy.
Well, what are we going to do about Christmas? I don't want either of us to sit around here and get depressed thinking about what isn't anymore. Manfred eyed her sagely over their morning tea, which they now shared in bed. It had been his turn to bring the tray up that morning. Instead I want to celebrate what we've got this Christmas, not cry about what we don't. Speaking of which, what do you want for Christmas? It was still two weeks away, and the weather had been crisp and icy for the past week.
She smiled at him now from her pillows, the look in her eyes a caress. You know what I want for Christ mas, Manfred?
What, my darling? He could barely keep his hands off her wh
en she looked like that, the golden hair spread around her like a sheet of spun gold, the delicate breasts bare, the look in her eyes one of invitation and loving.
I want a baby. Your baby. For an instant he was quiet. It was something he had thought of more than once.
Do you mean that, Ariana? But she was still so young. So much could change. And after the war ' He didn't like to think about it anymore, but it could be that when she no longer had to live under his protection, maybe then someone younger would come along and ' He hated the thought.
But she was looking at him seriously. I mean it, my darling. I'd like nothing more than our son.
He held her tightly for a long moment, unable to speak. It was what he wanted one day. But not yet. Not in these ghastly times. Ariana, my darling, I promise you that ,'he pulled away to look at her gently'when the war is over, we will have a baby. You'll have your gift of a son.
Is that a promise? She smiled happily at him.
A solemn promise.
She held tightly to him and laughed the silvery laugh that he loved so much. Then I don't want anything else for Christmas. That's all I want in the world.
But you can't have that yet. Her joy was infectious and he was laughing now, too. Isn't there something else you'd like as well?
No. Except one thing. She glimmered at him happily.
What's that? But she was embarrassed to say it. Talking about having a baby was one thing, but asking a man to get married just wasn't done. So instead she hemmed and hawed and teased and wouldn't answer, and he threatened to get it out of her by that night. But Manfred had his own ideas in that direction. He desperately wanted to marry Ariana, but he wanted to wait until the country was once more at peace. The war couldn't last forever, and it w+|uld have meant a lot to him to get married at his family's schloss.
the Ring (1980) Page 16
