by Zack Zombie
Now, because there was a rule that every kid had to play, we were the last team to face Mike and Mutant.
Before we got up to play, we had to bench Creepy because he started HISSSING again.
So Me, Skelee, and Slimey (who by the way is Mike Magma’s cousin), had to play against Mike and Mutant.
Now, I thought the Iron Golem was scary…
And I thought Mike Magma was scary…
But, Mutant terrified me.
They say Mutant got his name because his parents lived next to a witch’s hut in the Swamp Biome.
And I heard that the witch cursed their family.
She put a hex on them that would cause them to give birth to a Mutant baby Zombie.
They were so happy.
I actually think they planned the whole thing. That would explain why they moved so close to the witch’s hut.
Anyway, when “Mutant” was born, they say he was as big as a Zombie horse.
Then he started growing and will probably never stop.
Some kids even say that if he’s hungry enough, he can eat an entire human village!
And this is the guy we were up against!
Mike Magma already had it out for his cousin Slimey. So I knew we were doomed for sure.
Mike Magma
Mike threw the first ball really hard at Slimey and broke him into a bunch of Slimey bits.
Then Mutant took the ball, which looked like a pea in his hands, and flicked it at Skelee.
I don’t think Skelee knew what hit him.
Next thing I know, I hear Skelee calling me from above.
His head somehow ended up stuck to the gym ceiling.
And who knows where the rest of his body went.
So, I was the last one left.
“You can do it!” Skelee yelled from the ceiling.
Mike Magma picked up the ball to throw it at me, which gave me some relief.
But then he passed it to Mutant.
Mutant picked up the Dodge Ball with his fingers and flicked it at me.
All I could do was pick up some of Slimey’s bits to protect myself, and close my eyes…
Next thing I know, I heard everybody in the gym yelling and cheering.
I opened my eyes, and Mike Magma and Mutant were lying on the ground out cold.
Creepy and Slimey’s bits came over to congratulate me.
“What happened?” I asked.
“The ball bounced off of Slimey’s bits you were holding and hit Mutant so hard that it knocked him over. He landed on Mike Magma, knocking him out of the safe zone, and automatically disqualifying them.
“You won!”
Everybody picked me up and carried me out of the gym, cheering my name.
I closed my eyes so I could take it all in… It was awesome.
Then, I finally woke up.
In the hospital.
Wednesday
I stayed home from school today to recover from my wounds.
“Why do they play games like Dodge Ball in schools, anyway?” Mom asked. “It’s so dangerous!”
“I think it toughens kids up,” Dad said.
I didn’t tell them about Mutant.
Mostly because my jaw was in a glass jar next to my bed.
But it’s not like I didn’t try.
“What was the name of the boy who did this?” Dad asked.
“MFRMNT!” I said.
“Mumford? How tough can he be with a name like that?” Dad said.
“MUFRND!” I said.
“Buford? That’s even sillier!” Dad said.
“MOOTRNRT!” I said really loud.
“Q Bert?”
“You kids and your games. Just be a little more careful next time. Remember, it’s all fun and games until somebody loses a body part.”
Urrrrgggghhhh! Forget it. Parents just don’t understand!
Creepy came over and told me that half of the kids from gym class are at home recovering too.
“The good news is that you missed the scare test that was scheduled for today,” Creepy said.
“You’re lucky. It was really hard. We had to scare baby villagers. And they really creep me out.”
I guess something good did come out of all my suffering.
Thursday
One thing I love about being a Zombie is that we heal really fast.
I guess it’s because our body parts aren’t really attached that well.
It can be a little annoying though.
When I was a baby Zombie, I would always leave my butt on the potty.
Then when I would go out to play, I couldn’t understand why I always felt a draft.
Dad fixed it with some pliers, a little wire, a screw driver, and a really long screw.
The kids in gym class still ask me, to this day, why I have a screw for a belly button.
I just tell them I was born that way.
They usually don’t bother me after that.
I have a screw for a belly button!
Now today at school, Ms. Bones told us that we had to make up the test we missed.
I was so bummed.
But, she did say we can skip it if we do extra credit homework.
Hey, I like scaring baby villagers as much as the next Zombie, but extra credit is always easier.
My extra credit assignment was to bang on some village doors, and then pick up some vegetables from a villagers’ garden to prove I did it.
Piece of cake!
After class, I went to a village close by. All the villagers ran into their homes when they saw me.
This is going to be an easy A.
I banged on some doors, which was fun. Then, the last thing I needed to do was to pick some vegetables.
I’ll get some carrots, I thought. They’re really easy to carry.
So I grabbed a bunch of carrots, and started happily heading back home.
All of a sudden, I saw these small, beady red eyes looking at me from the bushes.
And no matter which direction I moved, they kept following me.
So, I got a little closer.
Next thing I knew, a cute, little rabbit came out of the bushes.
He was white and fluffy, but he had really red eyes.
“You hungry, little fella?” I asked him. “Have a little bite of my carrot.”
All of a sudden, that cute, little rabbit tore my arm off, and made off with all of my carrots!!!
The “cute” little bunny rabbit
“KILLER RABBIT! KILLER RABBIT!!!” I yelled.
I was running around in a circle, yelling, and waving my remaining arm up in the air.
“KILLER RABBIT! KILLER RABBIT!!!”
Then I remembered that Killer Rabbits are only dangerous to humans, not Zombies.
So after I calmed down, I walked to where the rabbit was eating my carrots, and tried to reach over and grab my arm.
It growled at me.
So I quickly grabbed my arm and ran back to school.
So much for my easy A.
Friday
Today, I had to explain to Ms. Bones why I didn’t have my extra credit homework.
“A Killer Rabbit ate my homework!” I said.
All the kids in class burst out laughing.
I could tell that Ms. Bones was not buying it, either.
“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a failing grade,” she said.
“No, a Killer Rabbit really did eat my homework!” I said. “I can prove it. See!” I showed her my dismembered arm.
She still didn’t buy it. I think it’s because I used the missing limb excuse a few times before.
“Sorry. Here’s yo
ur F. Please have your parents sign your exam and bring it back on Monday.”
On my way home, I thought, oh, man, when my Mom and Dad see this, I’ll be grounded for a month.
Even worse, this is the weekend my Dad was going to raise my allowance. What am I going to do?
I had to think of something or I was probably going to be grounded for life, not to mention be broke for the rest of my middle school life.
Saturday
I went to go see Steve to see if he could help me get out of the trouble I was in.
When I found him, Steve was busy mining for diamonds.
“Hey, Steve!”
“AAAHHHH!!” Steve screamed.
“Oh, man. You scared me. Why do you always sneak up on me like that?”
“Habit, I guess. Find any diamonds?” I asked.
“Nothing yet. But I know they’re here somewhere.”
“You know, Steve, you really shouldn’t be mining at night. There’s some really scary mobs out at night.”
Then I told him about Mutant.
Steve’s eyes got bigger and bigger as I told him my Dodge Ball story.
“Sounds like a bully to me,” Steve said. “We’ve got them too. Just not as…gulp…big as Mutant.”
Mutant can be a real pain . . .literally!
“Well, I need your help with something,” I said.
“I got an F on my extra credit homework and if I show it to my parents, I’ll get in trouble for sure. And this was the weekend my Dad was going to raise my allowance.”
“Why did you get an F?” Steve asked.
“A Killer Rabbit ate my homework.”
Steve looked at me for a minute, then he burst out laughing.
“Was that your excuse?” Steve said.
“No. It really happened. A little, cute, white rabbit with red eyes attacked me and ate my homework!”
Steve could not stop laughing.
Then I thought about it for a minute, and I burst out laughing too.
After five minutes of laughing, Steve said, “Well, if it really happened, just tell them the truth.”
“If Ms. Bones didn’t believe me, and you didn’t believe me, my parents won’t either.”
“Parents will surprise you sometimes. Just tell them the truth and see what happens,” Steve said.
“Well, OK. But I’m not holding my breath.”
“I thought Zombies don’t breathe?” Steve said.
“Forget it.”
Then I walked home thinking about how my parents were going to react when I tell them that, “A Killer Rabbit ate my homework.”
Sunday
Today I have to share the bad news with my parents.
They’re never going to believe that a Killer Rabbit ate my homework.
Maybe I could tell them that a human ate my homework?
Naw. They know Steve is my friend, so I know that won’t work.
Or, maybe I could tell them that my little brother ate my homework?
Naw, he has an alibi… He was with my Mom all day.
I guess I’m going to have to tell them the truth.
I still don’t understand why nobody believes me.
I mean, are Killer Rabbits that rare?
If they are, maybe I can catch it and sell it to the Mob Zoo or something.
At least that way I won’t be totally broke, since I’m probably not going to get any allowance till I’m thirty.
Well, here it goes…
Special Sunday Entry
I can’t believe it…
My parents actually believed me.
Best of all, I got the raise in my allowance!
It was kind of strange, though, that when I mentioned the Killer Rabbit, they looked at each other like they knew something…
I wonder if they know where the Killer Rabbit came from.
I mean, my Dad does work at a Nuclear Waste plant.
And my Mom also works there as a secretary.
I remember one time they told me that there were a lot of rabbits that lived around the Nuclear Waste plant.
They even tried to bring one home once…
But my little brother was creeped out that the rabbit had three eyes.
But anyway, who cares.
What matters is that I got a raise in my allowance!
And now I can buy myself my own video games.
No more borrowing games from Steve.
His games always get me in trouble.
The last game he lent me got me sent to the Principal’s office.
They even called my parents in to tell them about my, “Inappropriate recreational choices,” whatever that means.
But who cares.
I’m just counting my Benjamins.
Monday
Today I was feeling so good.
My parents weren’t mad at me for failing my extra credit homework.
The kids at school have almost forgotten about the sleepover incident.
And I got more money in my pocket.
It looked like it was going to be a good day.
Until…
On my way to school, I got stopped by Mike Magma and Mutant.
Oh man! I knew I was going to either end up in a dumpster, or get a Zombie wedgie that I would feel for weeks.
But it looked like these guys wanted to torment me a little more than that.
“Pick him up,” Mike said.
Next thing I know, I’m hanging upside down, because Mutant picked me up with his fingers.
“Shake him,” Mike said.
Mutant began to shake me up and down like a salt shaker. All of my money started falling out of my pockets.
“Shake him some more,” Mike said.
Then I started dropping fingers, a few teeth, some ribs and a leg bone or two.
Mike picked up all of my money.
“Drop him,” Mike said.
Next thing I know I was in a heap on the ground with all my body parts.
I think Mutant picked up one of my ribs to pick his teeth with.
Then they walked away laughing.
I pulled myself together as best as I could and made it to school.
I didn’t want the kids to know that those bullies took my lunch money.
“There goes my allowance,” I mumbled to myself.
Man… Being a Zombie in Middle School is so hard.
Tuesday
I had my Mom drop me off at school today, so I could avoid running into Mike and Mutant.
I know I was setting myself up for potential embarrassment, but it’s better than getting eaten by Mutant.
I thought about telling my Mom about what happened yesterday, but I know she would freak out and make a scene at school.
Not only will I be embarrassed at school, but Mike and Mutant would probably get me for telling on them.
So I decided to talk about my “friend” instead.
“Mom, I have a friend at school that is getting bullied. And, I feel really, really, really bad for him. What should I tell him to do about it?”
“Well, son. You should tell one of the teachers right away. They can talk to the bully’s parents and then the bully’s parents will have a nice talk with their bully child. And then everything will be OK,” Mom said.
I could only imagine telling Ms. Bones about Mike and Mutant. Then I could imagine Ms. Bones calling Mike and Mutant’s parent’s in. Then I could imagine Mike and Mutant’s parents having a good talk with Mike and Mutant. Then I could imagine Mutant eating me and my whole family, just for telling on him!
“Mom, what if the bullies get mad if I tell on them…Errr… If my friend tells on them?”
“Well, the teachers ca
n talk to their parents again,” Mom said.
Of course, by then, Mutant would be picking his teeth with my leg bone, and wearing my skull as an earring.
I didn’t have the heart to tell my Mom that her advice would lead to my early death, so I just stayed quiet.
I asked Mom to drop me off next to the school yard behind the school.
I got out of the car and thought I was safe from getting embarrassed by my Mom in front of the kids at school.
I only made it ten feet, when my Mom yelled out loud, “Honey, bunny! Doesn’t your Mommy get a kiss goodbye?”
All the kids heard it and started laughing.
Then I had to do the walk of shame back to my Mom to give her a kiss in front of all the kids.
“Smmmaaaccckkk.” My Mom gives really long kisses. Then she gave me a hug that felt like it was ten minutes long. All the kids were snickering.
Mom’s hug felt good, though. I think she knew that it was me who was getting bullied, and she wanted me to know she understood.
It was still really embarrassing, though.
Wednesday
I thought about what Mom said yesterday, so I decided to talk to Ms. Bones about my bully problem.
After class, I stayed behind to talk to her.
“Can I help you with something?” she asked.
“Um…Ms. Bones. I…Errr…have a problem…”
“Spit it out, young man. Don’t stand there and mumble,” she said.
Ms. Bones was not the nicest teacher in the school. She was really stiff.
