by Jeff Noon
'Please, Mr Worm, do sit down. You'll have an accident.'
I was already thinking about the accident I would be having, and maybe of trying for Pinky and Perky, maybe ripping both those squealers off at the root, when the pigboys come cruising through the door, sweaty and heavy, and the next bit the worm has already taken, taken into darkness.
That's why I have to write this down, to try and capture the story before it disappears.
Out of the darkness, I remember running through the streets with this Monkey Funk at my side and the grunts coming up close behind. We were set loose inside a vast genetic estate. From all sides came the pungent smell of sex, big vats of it where they brewed the primordial soup. I could hear the tramcat getting closer and the trotters of the littermen but I didn't dare look back, just kept on running. It was all I could do to keep up with the monkey, especially when she started to swing up a ladder attached to one of the vats.
Climbing wasn't something I'd gone in for lately, but I was dragged along by the fear. The vats were the size of churches and open at the top, with an observation platform around the outside edge. Looking down made me feel sick because a lump of something was swimming around in there. God knows what. So I turned to look back over the other side.
The pigboys were in deep-trough mode of course, because have you ever seen a pig climb a ladder? One of them pulled out a gun. The metal below me was punched through by the bullet, and a stream of the soup came spewing out of the vat. Somebody screamed down there as the stuff hit them. Then the tramcat starts to climb the vat, and would have done OK if Pork hadn't been so extravagant with the on-board accessories. One second the vehicle was creeping up towards me, the next overhanging itself as the patio and miniature golf course on its back slowly shifted the centre of gravity.
Like any cat through history it tried to land on its feet, doing that mid-air dance-craze twist that nearly always worked. Nearly always... but this time its dug-in claws took a side of the vat with them. Too much weight.
We didn't stay to hear the cries of the pigboys as the whole soup came down that night. Monkey Funk just took my hand and together we jumped from vat to vat, from species to species, from darkness to darkness to ...
I've just read the above entry to Monkey. Every night we do this, me reading from the old diaries as the memories fade away, her trying to put the past together for me. She claims she was a childhood friend of mine, that we used to go stealing fish from the vats when we were young, and that's why she'd rescued me from the Pork, but I have to take her word for it.
I have to take everybody's word for it these days.
It's strange, but I'm quite ready for the day when the worm takes everything. I don't even think about the operation any more. I don't know, maybe the worm's doing me good. Just to live, forever now. Yeah, whatever. But reading the diaries is frustrating, and this may well be my last journey back. There's too many things I read about, they don't make sense any more.
I can't remember what Kid Signal looks like, for instance, and what the hell is a hyperdice ? So far gone, I can't even remember what I look like myself, without the use of a mirror, or the look in Monkey's eyes as we kiss.
And all the stories disappear, one by one by one .. .
PIXEL DUB JUICE
(sublimerix remix)
Whilst shopping for magical stuff
Some children find purchasing tough;
And a very young pimp
Grows decidedly limp,
At the sight of his dad in the buff.
The whole book's rather hotchpotch;
A kid gets wound up by a watch;
Adverts improve,
A DJ goes 'groove',
And Godzilla gets kicked in the crotch.
There's a hobo robocanus;
A faded pop star called Janus —
Bit of a wet fish,
Gets killed by fetish;
A beetle lights fags with its anus.
The rain's always falling like tears,
On yobbos with pixelized sneers.
More DJs go 'groove',
What's Noon trying to prove?
He's not been to a club in ten years.
A robot in New York goes screwy,
With a tongue in his tummy — how gooey!
Mirrors receding;
Books kill by reading:
It's all nicked from Borges, Jorge Luis.
In style it's manic-frenetic,
With language mistreated genetic;
Brings K. Dick alive,
To join Famous Five
In acrobatic alphabetics.
Oh, there's weirdo perversions galore!
Guns, hookers and drugs by the score;
Critics should pan it,
They really should ban it,
Or at least put it front of the store.
NIGHT SHOPPING
And, years later, when Little Tommy was older, much older and not so very little, he was trying on a changing suit in the ninth shop, when he felt a slight pain in his forehead. Asking the assistant for a glass of shadow, he sat down for a moment to calm his nerves. The suit, noticing his mood, loosened itself around his neck and chest, and then turned from its show-off silver to a soothing pastel blue. The shadow juice covered the pain with its dark and gentle hand, and between them, the suit and the shadow did their best to relieve Thomas of his discomfort.
The assistant asked him if everything was all right, and Thomas said it was, thank you, and how much was the suit? So a deal was made, and the assistant asked if he would like it wrapped, and Thomas said no, he would wear it now, and please dispose of his old clothes.
Then Thomas stood up, and went to transfer his wallet to his new jacket. The jacket made a pocket just where Thomas's hand was resting. But when he put his hand inside the pocket, something hard and warm knocked against his fingers. He pulled his hand back out, to see that it now held a key, a golden key. The assistant was surprised to see it there, and was puzzled, because the pocket had not existed until a second ago.
So Thomas started to walk back home, wondering whether a tramcat would be wiser, knowing his condition. Instead, he decided the walk would do him good, and the suit agreed, changing itself into a sturdy anorak, and the shoes into walking boots. Soon, however, Thomas found himself lost, something that had not happened in so many years, and he wondered if they had built a new shopping extension, because he had never seen such a precinct before.
He went into the first friendly kiosk, whose counters were filled with compass bugs of various directions. He bought one for his home-shop, swallowed it, and immediately felt better. Letting the beetle inside his stomach guide him, he set off confidently through the strange and twisted streets. But as he travelled farther, the places became less and less familiar. More and more of the stores were boarded up, and the streets almost deserted. Eventually he came to an area he thought he recognized: a small patch of lawn with a single tree, and a bench. And here, Thomas rested for a while, and slept. And his suit, slowly and gently, became a long, flowing nightshirt. He dreamed, for the first time in years, of his departed mother, and the brave shopping expeditions of his youth.
When he awoke, it was already artificial night, and the artificial moon hung from the precinct's sky. Strangely, his suit did not change from its long flowing shape. The square was quite deserted, and only one shop still whispered in faint light. The sign above the doorway was in a language he could not understand. He could no longer feel the directions in his stomach, and the headache was shadowless and almost like a long-lost thought.
So, he went into the shop.
It was filled with all the things he had ever bought, and all the things he had once dreamed of buying. The penny ghosts and the bird shoes, the word egg and song biscuit, the smoke-maps and dogseeds, and all the shadows in the world were on display like pieces of the night's calming sky. Reaching into a sudden pocket in his gown, Thomas found there a single penny of the old money. With it, he bought a lonely, wh
ispering ghost.
Upon leaving the shop, he saw, or thought he saw, a group of people sitting beneath the tree on the patch of lawn. One of them, a woman, called to him by name. The children around her begged him to hurry.
And his suit changed to ashes.
EPILOGUE
WATCH
I believed in the invisible watch so much that I went straight back to the classroom and hid it behind some books in my desk. I didn't want anybody else to see it; the watch was mine alone.
Every so often, during a boring lesson, I would open the desk, just to have a look at it. Never, not for one second, did it puzzle me that you couldn't tell the time by an invisible watch. The time wasn't important; it was the invisibility that got to me.
The magic of it.
I took it home with me that night, actually strapped it to my wrist. I slept with it under my pillow. And wore it to school the next day, but then, nervous that somebody would steal it off me, I hid it safely in the desk.
Just thinking about the watch was enough, but then at playtime I saw Colin Bradshaw with his mates. He asked me how the invisible watch was doing. They were all laughing at me. 'What time is it, Noony?' they shouted. 'What time is it?' I went back to the classroom, lifted up the desk lid, slowly, moved the books aside.
The invisible watch had gone.
Table of Contents
PART ONEILLUSION'S PERFUME
PART TWOINFECTION'S COURTSHIP
PART THREEPOISON'S FLIGHT PATH
PART FOURREFLECTION'S EMBRACE
DEDICATION 3
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 4
PROLOGUE WATCH 5
PART ONE ILLUSION'S PERFUME 7
THE SHOPPER 8
SOLACE 9
THE CABINET OF NIGHT UNLOCKED 11
SUPER-EASY-NO-TAG-SPECIAL 15
ALPHABOX 17
METAPHORAZINE 18
ALPHABOX 19
QWERTYPHOBIA 20
ALPHABOX 22
JUNIOR PIMP 23
SHED WEAPONS 29
HOMO KARAOKE 30
DUB KARAOKE 34
PART TWO INFECTION'S COURTSHIP 35
BUG COMPASS 36
FETISH BOOTH #7 40
PIMP! - THE BOARD GAME 43
CHROMOSOFT MIRRORS (V.4.2) 45
CLOUDWALKERS 46
BLURBS 55
DUB BLURBS 57
TWEEDLES 58
PRODUCT RECALL - MARILYN MONROE 60
XTROVURT 61
THE PERFUMED MACHINE 64
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE USE OF 66
PART THREE POISON'S FLIGHT PATH 67
GETTING HOME SAFELY 68
PIXEL FACE 69
STIGMATICA 76
AUTOPSY OF A HUMMINGBIRD 78
FROM THE BOOK OF NYMPHOMATION 80
SOMEWHERE THE SHADOW 81
CALL OF THE WEIRD 86
DUB WEIRD 88
THE CHARISMA ENGINE 89
SPACEACHE AND HEARTSHIPS 95
DUBSHIPS 97
PART FOUR REFLECTION'S EMBRACE 98
SPECIMENS 99
CREEPING ZERO 101
CRAWL TOWN 103
ORGMENTATIONS 108
HANDS OF THE DJ 109
BASSDUST 112
EVENTS IN A ROCK STAR'S LIMOUSINE 113
