Leah listened intently, then asked him several thought-provoking questions. Paul answered them as best he could, amazed at her insight. Grateful, too, because she’d pointed out a major plot weakness he’d overlooked.
The next time he glanced at his watch it was nearly one. Paul was astonished by that. They’d been talking for an hour and a half.
“My goodness,” Leah said, looking at her own watch. “I had no idea it was so late.”
“Me, neither.”
They both stood and walked toward the sink. Leah set her cup down first, then Paul followed with his. But when she turned, apparently she didn’t realize he was directly behind her. To keep from colliding with him, she jerked back.
Paul’s arms instinctively reached out to steady her. His hands closed over her shoulders.
They both froze.
For a long moment neither moved. Paul’s eyes drifted slowly over Leah’s flushed features. Her arms were raised, her hands braced against his chest. Her breasts—
Stop! Paul chastised himself. He shouldn’t be thinking such things. Not about Leah.
“Are you all right?” he asked once he found his voice. He could hardly breathe, hardly think. All he seemed capable of was feeling.
“I’m fine.” Her words were scarcely audible, and she was slightly breathless. Her eyes continued to hold his.
Paul knew he should release her. He knew he’d held on to her much longer than necessary. He knew…he knew he was going to kiss her.
Before he could stop himself, before his control slipped back into place, Paul lowered his mouth to hers.
Five
Paul felt as though someone had carved out his insides. He felt empty…no, it wasn’t emptiness he was feeling, but he couldn’t identify the intense, unfamiliar emotions that raged through him.
He abruptly dropped his arms, letting go of Leah. Wordlessly they stepped away from each other. He saw how swollen her lips were. Her beautiful eyes, more green than brown, were wide and staring up at him.
He wanted to tell her he was sorry, beg her forgiveness, but he couldn’t make himself do it. She looked at him unblinking, her face devoid of color.
Then, just as he found the courage to talk to her, she edged her way past him and hurried down the hallway to her bedroom. She closed her door with a resounding bang—which told him how upset she was, otherwise she would never have risked waking the children.
Paul considered going after her, to explain, only he didn’t know what he could say that would excuse what he’d done. He waited a few minutes until he could control the trembling in his hands, then turned off the lights and headed down the hallway to his room.
But he hesitated outside Leah’s door. Clenching his fists at his sides, he silently berated himself.
He could’ve stopped himself from kissing her, yet he hadn’t. He’d given in to the impulse, knowing full well he’d be faced with regrets later. None of that had mattered at the time. He’d wanted to kiss her. He’d needed to kiss her.
He’d pulled her into his arms, touching every inch of her body with his own, adding to his excitement.
Adding to his guilt.
Her right hand had moved from his chest to caress his face. How warm her fingers had felt against his skin. How smooth.
How right.
It was then that he’d deepened the kiss and she’d given a small gasp—Paul didn’t know if it was in pleasure or surprise.
Whatever control Paul possessed, which admittedly was darn little, had been lost at that moment. He’d thrust his hands into her hair and hungrily slanted his mouth over hers. Leah’s response was undeniable.
He couldn’t make himself break away. Couldn’t make himself want to break away. Her tongue had shyly darted forward, and the kiss became even deeper.
Paul knew he had to end it now. Before they went beyond kissing…
He tore his mouth from hers. They were both gasping for breath, their shoulders heaving. The look on Leah’s face would haunt him to the grave.
He saw her shock. Her confusion. But what hurt the most was the self-loathing he could see in her eyes. Perhaps it was just a reflection of his own. Paul didn’t know anymore.
Defeated, he moved past her bedroom door, taunted by the twin demons of guilt and desire. It hurt to walk away from Leah. It’d been nearly nine months since he’d experienced the ecstacy, the physical release of a woman’s body. Nine agonizing, grief-filled months.
But that was no excuse. He wasn’t some teenager overwhelmed by hormones. He was fast approaching forty; by now he should have his libido under control.
But was it so wrong to feel again? he asked himself as he readied for bed.
Yes, came the immediate response. When Diane died, he’d known, had accepted, that the sexual part of his life was over. Gone forever. He’d had a healthy, active sex life with Diane, and when she died he couldn’t imagine himself ever wanting another woman. He’d felt so certain of that, so sure that being with anyone else would amount to a betrayal of the wife he’d loved.
But perhaps he’d been shortsighted. Perhaps he’d been foolish. He was still alive, after all. He still had needs, desires, the kind a man felt for a woman.
But Leah? His wife’s sister?
She’d felt so warm. She’d tasted so sweet…so womanly.
He felt trapped.
Diane was gone. Dead. He was alive. But was he? He felt caught somewhere between life and death. One foot in the present, the other in the past.
Diane and Leah.
They were sisters. He was related to Leah. How could he feel the way he did about her? It was wrong.
A crystal-clear memory of his wife came into his mind. It was the day she’d learned she was pregnant with Kelsey. She’d planned a surprise celebration for when he returned home from work. Leah had taken the boys to the movies, giving him and Diane several uninterrupted hours. They’d made love, then sat up in bed eating ice cream and pickles. The memory of the teasing and the laughter would always stay with him. He’d loved Diane. Loved her more than life itself. But he was the one who’d been left behind.
The image of Diane sitting in their bed, ice cream smeared across her mouth, faded. Paul shut his eyes as tightly as he could, trying unsuccessfully to bring her back. Instead it was Leah who drifted into his mind. Leah, crouched in the sunshine as she worked in the garden. The children were gathered around her, Kelsey trying to catch a gold-winged butterfly, his sons busy digging in the dirt.
What had he done? The fact that he’d inflicted himself on Leah filled him with disgust. Heaven only knew what he was going to say to her in the morning.
What could he say? He didn’t have a single excuse to offer her, not a single explanation to give. Needing her like this, using her like this, had been selfish and wrong.
But it felt right, his mind countered. Nothing had ever felt more right.
“No!” he muttered. It was wrong, wrong, wrong.
He was so confused. His thoughts were tangled, contradictory, uncertain.
He didn’t know what to do.
* * *
Leah couldn’t sleep. She lay on her back staring up at the ceiling in the darkened room. Silent tears slipped from the corners of her eyes, rolling into her hair and onto her pillow. She let them fall.
She hadn’t known a kiss could be so good. She hadn’t known desire could burn so hot. She’d always been sensible when it came to men and relationships. In charge of every situation. Always in control.
Until Paul kissed her. One kiss, and her body had felt as if it were on fire.
Her heart was still beating much too fast, its cadence echoing in her ear. Her body throbbed with pleasure.
With shame.
With need.
If only Paul had said something. But she’d seen the stricken look in his eyes, seen for herself his tortured regret. His reaction had hurt her more than anything since Diane’s death. Unable to bear it, Leah had turned, with as much dignity as she could muster, and
retreated to her bedroom.
But her dignity was cold comfort.
If only she understood what had prompted Paul to kiss her. Had she, without realizing it, done or said something to lead him on, sent inadvertent messages, seeking his touch?
She must have; otherwise, she wouldn’t have gone so eagerly into his arms. Otherwise, she would’ve broken away. It was all too clear how willingly she’d accepted his embrace.
Mortified by the thought, she covered her hot face with both hands.
Shivering, Leah remembered the blatant way she’d responded to him. She’d opened up to Paul. Opened her arms. Opened her heart. And…her face grew hotter still. She’d been looking for more. Much more.
She’d lost herself in his kiss, responding to him as she never had to any other man. She’d actually pressed herself against him….
The kiss had gone wild, and demand had shot through her veins. For the first time in her life, Leah had felt completely out of control with a man. She’d wanted him so badly. Wanted to feel his arms around her. Wanted his kiss. Wanted to experience the welcoming touch of his tongue…
She’d wanted her sister’s husband.
Leah closed her eyes and waited for revulsion to attack her. Waited for guilt to bury her.
She waited. And waited.
But it didn’t come. Not the revulsion or the guilt.
Yet in her heart of hearts, Leah experienced such regret it all but consumed her. Regret because of the way he obviously felt about their kiss. It seemed to her that he was feeling the revulsion and guilt she wasn’t. That, too, was a painful reality—Paul’s disdain for her because of what they’d done. What she’d done.
Was she falling in love with him? Leah asked herself.
She couldn’t answer that any more than she could answer any of the other questions that tormented her.
Her fingers touched her still-swollen lips. They felt bruised—just like her heart. The memory of that moment in his arms returned, bringing with it all the fever, all the madness, all the fury, of their kiss.
She shouldn’t be feeling these things, she chastised herself. It was wrong.
How was she going to look Paul in the eye the next morning? How was she going to pretend nothing had happened?
Around her the night breathed. The dark closed in. The rain, which had been threatening all evening, tapped against the windows.
It was a long time before she fell asleep.
* * *
Leah woke the next morning, feeling as though she hadn’t slept at all. The boys were awake; she could hear them in the kitchen. Apparently Kelsey was up, as well. She turned onto her side and glanced at her clock radio. It was nearly nine. How Paul had been able to keep the kids from waking her was a mystery. Throwing back the covers, she got out of bed and quickly dressed for church.
“Leah,” Ronnie cried when she walked into the kitchen, “Ryan got the prize in the cereal box. Tell Daddy it’s my turn!”
“I don’t remember whose turn it is,” she told him, surprised to see that the boys and Kelsey were already dressed.
“It is so my turn,” Ronnie insisted.
“Ryan can share.” Paul’s gruff voice didn’t make her feel any better. So far Leah had been able to avoid looking at him, but she wouldn’t be able to keep that up for much longer.
He hadn’t spoken directly to her, which did nothing to ease the tension between them. Leah could feel the strained nervousness as intensely as she’d felt his touch the night before.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and hurried into the bathroom, where she applied her makeup. By the time she’d finished, Paul had set the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and wiped the table.
Leah half expected him to make an excuse to skip church that morning. She was half hoping he would. But apparently he didn’t plan to stay home, much as she would’ve preferred it.
They didn’t exchange a word on the short drive to the church. Even the children were strangely quiet.
Once they arrived, Leah brought Kelsey to the nursery, while Paul escorted the boys to their Sunday school class.
When Leah entered the church, she saw that Paul’s parents had arrived and, sighing with relief, went to sit with them. Rich and Jamie sat in the pew directly in front of Eric and Elizabeth. Being surrounded by Paul’s family comforted Leah, made her feel welcome and accepted.
As Paul slipped into the seat next to her, she noticed that he maintained a safe distance between them.
The service passed in a blur for Leah. Her head was so full of what had happened between her and Paul, she couldn’t concentrate on the sermon.
When they stood for the closing hymn, Elizabeth Manning leaned toward Leah and whispered, “Are you feeling all right?”
Leah quickly nodded.
“You’re looking pale.” She paused. “So is Paul.”
“I’m fine.” But Leah’s heart was hammering. She was a little taken aback by how easily Elizabeth had detected the tension between her and Paul. She could only pray that her alarm didn’t show in her eyes.
As they finished singing the final verse of the hymn, Leah felt Paul’s gaze. Everything in her wanted to turn and look at him, but she lacked the courage. Eventually they’d need to speak to each other. Eventually they’d have to discuss what had happened. But she wasn’t ready now and she didn’t know how long it would take before she was.
Leah met Jamie, Rich’s wife, on her way into the nursery to pick up Kelsey. “You’re coming, aren’t you?” she asked. At Leah’s blank look, Jamie elaborated. “Mom wants all of us to come over for brunch. Paul must’ve forgotten to tell you.”
“Ah…”
“Typical man,” Jamie said with a smile. “How’s everything working out?”
“Great,” Leah responded with a too-bright smile. She’d only talked to Paul’s sister-in-law a handful of times, but she liked Jamie. Bethany, Jamie and Rich’s little girl, was nearly eighteen months old and, from something Paul had said, it looked as if the couple would be having a second child soon.
Paul met Leah in the hallway outside the nursery. “Mom and Dad invited us to brunch,” he said brusquely. “Is that all right with you?”
“It’s fine.”
These were the first words they’d spoken all morning.
“If you’d rather, I could drop you off at the house and take the kids over myself.”
The suggestion hurt—he was trying to avoid her—but she tried not to let it show. “It’d…only raise questions if I didn’t come.”
“You’re sure?”
She shifted a squirming Kelsey in her arms. “If you’d prefer me not to be there, just say so.” Her eyes defiantly met his.
“I want you there,” he admitted, then turned and left her.
In retrospect Leah realized she should’ve taken Paul up on his offer to drop her off at the house. The brunch at his parents’ was trying for both of them. Although they’d attempted to disguise the tension, Leah knew they hadn’t succeeded.
After she and Paul had gathered up the kids, Eric and Elizabeth walked them out to the car. They didn’t say anything; they didn’t have to. Their concern was all-too-apparent in their worried expressions and the lack of conversation.
All three children fell asleep in the car on the ride home. Leah carried Kelsey, while Paul dealt with the boys. She was on her way out of the baby’s room, headed to her own room for a nap, when Paul stopped her.
“We have to talk,” he said starkly.
Leah nervously shifted her weight from one foot to the other, her heart pounding with dread. She wasn’t ready for this. Yet she knew they couldn’t delay a confrontation much longer.
“I’m not sure where to start,” he said after an awkward moment.
Leah said nothing. She didn’t know where to start, either. But she felt a heady sense of relief that he was willing to bring everything out into the open.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” he said, his anger close to the surface. �
��I certainly didn’t plan it.”
“I …realize that.”
“I know I frightened you.”
“No.” She couldn’t very well tell him that their kissing was one of the most beautiful experiences of her life. She couldn’t admit that she’d never felt in any man’s arms the things she had with him.
“I didn’t?” He seemed surprised to learn that. He hesitated, then turned abruptly and moved away from her. “I … I don’t know what came over me. I love Diane… I haven’t been with a woman since…”
At the mention of her sister’s name, Leah went stiff. The implication nearly choked her. “In other words, I just happened to be handy.”
“No!” he practically shouted. “That wasn’t it at all.”
“Then what was it?”
“If I knew that, do you think I’d be putting us through this hell?” he demanded. “I didn’t kiss just any woman. It was you. I’m attracted to you, Leah.” It sounded as though he was confessing to some particularly shameful crime. “I have no idea when it happened, or even how. I suspect it’s only natural, the two of us living together under one roof.”
“I don’t buy that.”
“Why not? I’m being as honest and as objective as I can.”
“I know,” she breathed softly.
“Then what don’t you buy?”
When it came right down to it, Leah couldn’t believe that Paul could possibly find her attractive after having loved Diane. Leah knew her own skills and assets, and captivating men wasn’t one of them. She’d discovered early in life that she couldn’t compete with her sister. She hadn’t wanted to. She’d loved Diane.
Paul had loved Diane, too. And having loved a woman who was laughter and sunshine and beauty, it wasn’t likely he’d be interested in one who was sensible and plain and dull.
But she couldn’t find the words to explain this to Paul. The uncomfortable silence grew.
“I …think it might be best if we both put the incident behind us,” she finally said.
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she insisted, raising her voice.
Stand-In Wife Page 7
