He couldn’t lose Leah. He didn’t have what it took to live through losing her. He couldn’t bury another wife.
The memory of the night Diane died came back to him. He recalled Dr. Charman’s words as he told Paul how sorry he was, how he’d done everything possible to save her. He’d explained exactly what had gone wrong, but by then Paul hadn’t been listening. All he’d heard was that his wife was dead.
A fresh wave of grief washed over him.
He couldn’t lose Leah, too. He couldn’t!
Not for the first time, Paul realized how selfish and self-centered he’d been when it came to Leah. Without intending to, he’d slighted her in so many ways.
He was just beginning to deal with her news—her possible pregnancy—just beginning to accept it, face his fears and prepare to speak openly with her, when he’d heard her talking to Jason about marriage. Leah had never expected to marry, she’d told his brother, and hadn’t really cared whether it happened or not. She seemed so blasé, so flippant. Her attitude had stunned him.
And yet here he was, crazy in love with her. He’d assumed he was well past the point of having his feelings hurt. Nevertheless, her words had hurt him.
Perhaps he was overreacting; Paul didn’t know anymore. He loved her, and she’d made their marriage sound like…like an accident. Inconsequential. As if she’d only agreed to his proposal because she wasn’t likely to get another.
Maybe if he hadn’t been so worried about her being pregnant, he might not have taken the comment so personally. Paul wasn’t sure about that, either.
His thoughts churned for hours, until dawn crept over the horizon. Somewhere near morning, he returned to bed and crawled between the covers, gathering Leah in his arms, needing her warmth to chase away the chill that had taken hold of his heart.
* * *
Monday morning Paul came out of their bedroom dressed for work while Leah was making breakfast for Kelsey and the boys. Ryan and Ronnie were setting the table, and Kelsey was in her high chair, batting her cup against the tray and singing cheerfully.
Not once since they’d left the restaurant on Saturday night had Paul mentioned the possibility of Leah’s being pregnant. He didn’t need to; it was there between them like a living, breathing thing. He hadn’t made love to her, either. Leah didn’t know if he intended to ever touch her again.
“What time is your doctor’s appointment?” he asked as he poured a cup of coffee.
“Nine.”
“I want you to call me.”
“At the office?” She’d never called him at the newspaper before.
“Yes. I’ll be in all morning.”
Waiting for your call. He didn’t say it, but he might as well have.
“All right,” she said, keeping her back to him.
“I’ll talk to you later.”
Leah nodded. “Later.”
It wasn’t until the door closed that she realized he’d left for work. Without kissing her, without even telling the kids goodbye, without saying another word, he’d walked out.
Tears rained down her cheeks; there was no controlling her emotions any longer. She turned off the burner and brought the plate of French toast to the table, where the boys were waiting.
She was grateful that the twins didn’t seem to notice she was weeping. She let them dish up their own plates, spread the butter and pour the syrup—half of which ended up on the table.
Rubbing her eyes, she sat down with the boys, but, like Paul, she didn’t have much of an appetite. Holding her cup in her hands, she leaned her elbows on the table.
“Leah?”
Ronnie stood beside her chair, his big blue eyes gazing up at her.
“What is it, sweetheart?”
“Here,” he said, shoving his tattered yellow blanket into her lap.
Touched by his generosity, Leah hugged him close. It was then that the sobs overtook her.
* * *
Paul had gone forty-eight hours on less than five hours’ sleep. He’d woken feeling as though the two hours he’d slept had made him feel worse than if he hadn’t slept at all.
Furthermore he was dangerous in this condition—to himself and to others. He was halfway to work before he realized he’d even left the house. It wouldn’t have concerned him so much if he hadn’t been driving. He couldn’t remember leaving home or saying goodbye to Leah and the children. If he had, the memory had escaped him.
The phone on his desk rang, and Paul grabbed the receiver, dropping it in his anxiety.
“Paul Manning.”
“All right, what’s going on?” It was Jason.
“What do you mean?”
“Between you and Leah. Dinner Saturday night was supposed to be a celebration.”
“It was…”
“Not from where I sat,” Jason countered.
“Leave it alone,” Paul said crisply. He wasn’t one to share his problems and never had been. If Leah was pregnant, the news would come out soon enough. There was no reason to discuss it with Jason.
“Not this time, big brother.”
“I can’t talk,” Paul said crossly. “I’m expecting an important call.”
“From whom?”
“Leah,” Paul said without thinking.
“Do you expect her to phone and apologize?”
Paul laughed. “You aren’t going to trick me into discussing my problems, so don’t even try.”
“I wasn’t,” Jason denied. “But you admit there are problems?” He sighed loudly. “Listen, Paul, would you stop being so almighty proud for once? We’re family. You seem to think that just because you’re the oldest you should be able to deal with everything all by yourself. Well, I’ve got news for you, big brother. You aren’t any better than the rest of us.”
“I never thought I was.”
“Then tell me what’s wrong with you and Leah. I’ve hardly ever seen two people look so unhappy.”
Paul hesitated and rubbed his face. He was weary in body and spirit. Worried sick. Frightened out of his wits, and he didn’t know what to do. Make a counseling appointment, he supposed; spill his guts to a professional.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Leah thinks she might be pregnant,” he admitted hoarsely.
“No way!” His voice was shocked. Incredulous. Dismayed.
“My sentiments exactly,” Paul said, grateful that his brother understood his fear. Grateful, too, that Jason hadn’t made some stupid comment about Paul keeping his pants zipped. They were zipped now. He hadn’t touched Leah in two nights. It hadn’t helped, either. If anything, it had increased the tension between them.
“When’s she going to the doctor?”
“This morning. She said she’d phone me.”
“How does she feel about it?”
Paul had to stop and think. Darned if he knew. He’d never stopped to ask her. “I …don’t know,” he said reluctantly.
“What about you?”
“I’ve never been so frightened in my life! I haven’t slept in two nights…. The thought of losing Leah…”
“You won’t.”
“How can you be so sure?” he demanded. “Diane gave birth to the twins without much of a problem. Who would’ve believed a second pregnancy would kill her?”
“Yes, but aren’t you forgetting something?”
“What?” Paul asked impatiently.
“Leah.”
Paul stopped cold. Jason was right. He’d been so wrapped up in his own fears, he hadn’t taken Leah’s feelings into consideration. Not even once. If she showed any fear of being pregnant, he hadn’t sensed it. But he didn’t understand how she could not be afraid. He was terrified, and they weren’t even certain yet.
“But what?” Jason prompted.
“She doesn’t actually seem frightened of being pregnant.” If anything, Paul had detected a hint of exhilaration, a joyful expectation. With his own fears running rampant, with his guilt and anxiety, he’d ignored her feelings.
�
��In other words, all Leah knows is that you’re scared.”
“No.” It wasn’t until now, talking to his brother, that Paul realized how badly he’d bungled things once again. “All she knows is that I’m angry.”
“Angry?”
“Yes, angry.”
“With her?”
“No,” he said forcefully. “That wouldn’t make any sense. I’m furious with myself.”
“And she knows this?”
“Of course she knows it.” Or at least he assumed she did. Assumed that she understood his concern was for her, because he loved her so much.
“You’re sure of this?”
Paul rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, Jason, maybe you’ve missed your calling in life. You should be the reporter, not me.”
Jason chuckled and Paul smiled, too. “I can see there’s some fence-mending I need to do with my wife. I guess I should thank you for being so kind as to point that out to me.”
“Anytime. If I ever get married, which is unlikely, you’ll be the one I turn to when I’m in trouble.”
“Frankly,” Paul said, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve got to be about the worst example of a husband you could find.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re only human.”
“Would you care to explain that to Leah for me?”
“Not on your life. That, big brother, is something you’ll have to do.”
“That’s what I thought you’d say.”
It wasn’t easy, but with a little begging and a lot of bargaining, Paul managed to get the rest of the day off. What he had to say to Leah couldn’t be said over the phone, nor could it wait. He’d been so wrapped up in himself and his own fears that he’d hurt the one person in the world—besides his children—whose happiness meant everything to him.
He drove home, parked in the driveway and leapt out of the car. He raced into the kitchen to find Leah folding laundry. He stopped abruptly.
“I … I tried to phone the office twice,” she told him quietly. “They said you weren’t there. Your cell was off. I left messages.”
Now that he was home, with his wife, Paul found himself at a loss for words. He held out his arms to her.
“I did try to phone,” she said again. “There was no reason for you to rush home.”
“Don’t say anything else.”
She looked at him as though she wasn’t sure what to expect. He enclosed her in his arms, cherishing her warmth, her softness.
Holding her face between his hands, he gazed down on her. Her puffy eyes told him she’d been crying. It broke his heart to acknowledge that he was the source of her grief.
“Leah,” he said, then paused, not knowing how to proceed. Showing her how he felt seemed easier. He loved her, and it was time she knew it. He kissed her hungrily, deeply, his mouth moving over hers with a desperation that verged on wild. “I love you, Leah,” he chanted. “I love you. I love you.”
“Paul… I’m not…” She tried to break away from him, and he felt the resistance in her. He knew he’d won whatever battle she was waging when she parted her lips to him.
Leah broke away and hid her face in his chest, her shoulders heaving. “Why tell me that now?” she asked.
“Because it’s true…because I should’ve told you before. I’ve been so worried you might be pregnant and—”
“I’m not.”
“You’re not?”
“The doctor said he doesn’t know why my period’s so late. It probably has something to do with anxiety, but I can’t recall being upset about anything.”
The relief that flowed through Paul felt like water on a parched garden. He tried not to show it, not to reveal how grateful he was that he didn’t have to face this fear head-on so soon after their marriage. So soon after he’d found happiness again.
“You’ll be happy to hear something else.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m not going to get pregnant, either… I’m going on the pill, so you won’t need to worry about me getting pregnant with a baby you don’t want.”
Eleven
“It isn’t that I don’t want another child,” Paul started to explain, but Leah turned away, not wanting to hear. She picked up a towel and held it protectively against her stomach.
“Paul, I know what your feelings were. Please don’t try to sugarcoat them now. You could barely look at me…. You haven’t touched me since… Friday night. This morning you left for work without bothering to say goodbye—as though you couldn’t wait to get away from me.”
“Leah, it’s not what you think.” His hands settled on her shoulders, but when she stiffened he released her. He walked around the table so she wouldn’t have any choice but to look at him, although she still avoided eye contact.
“What else was there for me to think?” she asked. “That you’d be overjoyed if I got pregnant? That you’d arrange for someone to take the children so we could celebrate alone? Did you arrive home with my favorite ice cream and a jar of pickles?”
Her words had the desired effect. He went pale. It was how Diane and Paul had celebrated when they’d learned Diane was pregnant with Kelsey. Alone, their happiness bubbling over, their love and excitement centered on each other.
“I got the message, Paul. Loud and clear.”
“It’s just that I was so afraid of losing you….”
“Exactly. Who’d be here to wash and clean for you? Who’d be here to raise your children and…and warm your bed?” she added scornfully. “You’d miss me, all right, but for all the wrong reasons.”
“Leah…no! It isn’t like that. I love you.”
“I saw how much you love me.” She threw the towel she was folding down on the table and walked into the backyard. Her garden was in full bloom, the tomato plants heavy with reddening fruit. Now that summer was ending, her small harvest was almost ready to reap. Colorful sheets from the twins’ beds were on the line she’d asked him to put up, flapping in the wind. On days like this, she hung laundry outside to dry, both to cut down on the electricity she used, and for the clean, breezy smell. The evidence of her life here was all around her.
Leah stood with her back to the house and brushed the tears from her eyes. She heard the door close, alerting her that Paul had followed her outside.
“I may have cheated you in a lot of ways,” he admitted, his words deceptively soft. “You didn’t have the courtship you deserved or even the wedding you should’ve had. There are probably countless other ways in which you’ve lost out in this marriage. But I never intended it to be like this—I never meant to be so thoughtless and self-centered.”
A long moment passed. “I love you, Leah. I know you don’t believe me. I can’t blame you for that, but it’s the truth.” The words echoed with pain and regret. “What can I do?”
“Do?”
“To right the wrongs…to prove to you I mean what I say. To make up for the way I acted when I thought you might be pregnant.”
Leah didn’t know. Even if she could have, there was nothing she’d change. She’d moved into his home voluntarily. Married him of her own free will. She loved the children, loved being their mother, and, God help her, she loved Paul, too. With all her heart and soul, she loved Paul.
“Tell me, and whatever you want me to, I’ll do.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“I know.”
She turned to face him then, her heart hammering. But when she tried to speak, the words refused to come out. “Just…”
“Yes?” He moved one step closer to her. One small step.
“Just…love me…”
“I do. Oh, Leah, I do.” He reached for her, burying his face in the curve of her shoulder, his body shuddering against hers.
“…the same way you loved Diane.”
* * *
“How does it feel to have the boys in kindergarten half days?” Jamie Manning a
sked Leah. It was the second week of September, and they were shopping at the mall, pushing their strollers side by side down the concourse, checking out the fall sales.
“They love it.”
“What about you?”
“The truth?” Leah said, smiling at her sister-in-law. “I love it, too.”
“Free at last,” Jamie cried dramatically, then, glancing down at Kelsey, amended the statement. “Well, almost free.”
“I can’t believe how much more time I have with the boys gone in the mornings. Wait until Bethany starts preschool and you’ll know what I mean.”
Jamie paused as they neared the food court. “Dare we stay for an early lunch?”
Leah checked her watch. “Depends on how brave you feel.”
“Oh, I’ve always been pretty brave.”
“Be warned—Kelsey likes to throw food.”
“No problem. We’ll sit as far away from other people as we can.”
Leah agreed. It felt good to get out of the house for a while, although shopping had never excited her much before. But now that she had Paul and the children to buy for, she enjoyed it.
Taking a morning off to spend with Jamie had lifted her spirits. During the past couple of weeks, things had been strained between her and Paul. He was trying hard to please her, but instead of helping, it had only made matters worse. The harder he tried to prove his love for her, the more forced it seemed. Paul was in a no-win situation, and Leah had put him there.
Leah needed a confidante. A friend. Jamie was fast becoming both.
Leah bought a chicken salad and for Kelsey, an order of french fries. She’d prepare a proper lunch when they got home. Jamie got a slice of pizza for herself and bread sticks for Bethany. In a few minutes they had the toddlers in high chairs the mall provided and were sitting at a small table as far from the other diners as they could get.
“By the way,” Jamie said, looking at Leah’s watch, “is that new?”
She nodded, swallowing a bite of her salad. “Paul got it for me. I casually mentioned how much I like Mickey Mouse and the very next day he brought me this.”
Stand-In Wife Page 14
