“He’s nice, isn’t he?” Tanni said reverently.
“He’s wonderful.” The word was inadequate to describe him and the way he made her feel.
Tanni gave her a speculative look and Shirley thought maybe she’d said too much.
“Are you falling for him, Mom?”
Shirley couldn’t lie. “I think I might be. Truthfully, it’s all a little soon…and a little scary.”
“It is. I know how I felt when I fell in love with Shaw. My stomach felt weird all the time and I didn’t want to eat and all I could think about was him.” As she spoke, Tanni’s eyes filled with tears.
Instinctively Shirley opened her arms. Tanni walked into them and laid her head against her mother’s shoulder.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Shirley asked softly as she stroked her daughter’s hair.
Tanni broke away. “I can’t stand it when I cry,” she muttered angrily. She scrubbed roughly at her face as though to punish herself for being so weak.
“It’s Shaw, isn’t it?”
Tanni nodded.
They went into the kitchen and sat on adjoining stools. Shirley waited for Tanni to get control of her emotions. After all these months of dealing with her daughter’s contentious attitude, she was grateful that Tanni had confided in her.
“I hate myself,” Tanni blurted out.
Shirley wanted to argue and demand Tanni never say anything like that again. Instead, she held back and composed herself before responding.
“Why?” she asked simply.
“I hate how I act when I don’t hear from Shaw. I text him and if he doesn’t immediately text me back, then I accuse him of seeing other girls and we argue. I knew everything would change when he went to San Francisco. He said it wouldn’t, but it has.”
“Shaw is changing.”
Tanni bowed her head. “He makes me crazy. I hate the things I say and do. I want to believe he still loves me, but deep down I don’t think he does.”
“Has he met someone else?”
Again, she nodded, her head down, her chin almost against her neck.
Wanting to comfort her, Shirley leaned over and placed one arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “It’s hard to let go of the people we love. Even when we have to.”
“I don’t want to lose him!”
“Of course you don’t.”
“I see girls behave like this at school and I look at them with disgust.”
“See them do what, exactly?” Shirley asked. “You mean the texting?”
“That’s part of it. They hang on to their old boyfriends. They’re so clingy and weak, and now I feel like one of them and I hate it. I hate myself,” she said, choking back a sob.
“Oh, Tanni.”
“I know I shouldn’t text Shaw, but I can’t make myself stop.” She looked at her mother tearfully. “Take my cell phone away.”
“Do you mean that?”
“No,” she cried, and followed that with a tremulous smile.
They hugged, and then Tanni surprised her. “Thanks, Mom,” she whispered as she slid off the stool.
By Monday evening Shirley understood her daughter’s angst much more clearly. She hadn’t heard from Larry since he’d dropped her off. All of Sunday night she’d waited for the phone to ring. Nothing. She considered calling him, but decided against it.
Early Tuesday afternoon, Tanni answered the door to a lovely floral arrangement that was being delivered.
She carried it into the kitchen, where Shirley was preparing a curried chicken salad.
“They’re for you,” her daughter announced.
Shirley wiped her hands down the front of her jeans and reached for the card. Tanni watched as Shirley tore open the envelope and silently read the message. “Thank you for a lovely day. Larry.”
“They’re from Larry, aren’t they?” her daughter asked.
Shirley nodded and felt an overwhelming wave of sadness.
Tanni frowned. “You don’t seem happy that he sent you flowers.”
Shirley gave what she hoped was an indifferent shrug as she dropped the card on the kitchen counter. “He doesn’t want to see me again. Flowers are a man’s way of saying goodbye.” All the ecstatic feelings she’d experienced after their time together had turned into mere fantasy. Because she’d been so attracted to Larry, she’d made the wrong assumptions about his feelings for her. She was just another in a long list of women who’d do anything to date him.
“He doesn’t want to see you again?” Tanni asked incredulously. “And he let you know by sending you flowers? I don’t get it.”
Shirley nodded again as she struggled to deal with her disappointment. “Yes.” She felt as if a thick fog had descended.
“That’s ridiculous,” Tanni insisted.
Shirley knew otherwise. Larry Knight was an important artist, a celebrity in constant demand. He lived and worked in California and with his busy promotion and travel schedule he must’ve realized how difficult maintaining a relationship would be. She’d wondered when she hadn’t heard from him and now she had her answer. Not that she blamed him; a long-distance romance would be impossible. Besides, she’d probably just been a weekend’s entertainment to him, not someone he’d taken seriously….
Rather than let Tanni see how depressed she felt, Shirley managed to swallow a few bites of dinner. That evening she sat in front of the television, mindlessly watching a rerun of a reality show, too disheartened to do anything but stare at the screen.
Her head whirled with emotions she didn’t want to confront. If Tanni had asked her about the program, Shirley wouldn’t have been able to give her a single detail.
The phone rang, and she didn’t even bother to look at caller ID. She couldn’t see any reason to torture herself. Besides, Tanni would grab it fast enough.
Ten minutes later, her daughter wandered casually into the living room, arms swinging at her sides. “That man who wants to cut off his relationship with you is on the line.”
Shocked to the very core of her being, Shirley nearly fell off the sofa. “Larry?”
Tanni grinned. “He’s really nice, Mom. I like him. We talked.”
Larry had spoken with her daughter for ten minutes?
“I asked him about Shaw, and he said he checked and Shaw’s doing really well at the art institute.” Her smile revealed her pain. “I’m glad for him. I mean that.”
Shirley knew what it had cost her daughter to make that statement.
“Mom, answer the phone,” Tanni teased. “You don’t want to keep Larry waiting.”
Tanni was right. Feeling better than she had in days, Shirley picked up the phone.
Twenty-Three
Tanni Bliss parked in the lot adjacent to the library—and did a competent job of it, too. At least in her own opinion. Having her driver’s license had made a big difference to her life. It meant freedom! Her mom had been pretty good about letting her take the car, too, especially if it involved her work at the library.
The Reading with Rover program had gotten off to an excellent start. The first few weeks were an experiment to figure out how it should work when school began again in September.
Grace had called a meeting for the volunteers on Thursday afternoon. Tanni was on her way there now. She liked working with the kids and dogs; what she didn’t enjoy was being around Kristen Jamey. Tanni wasn’t sure why she disliked Kristen so much, other than the fact that she was dumb. She didn’t know how else to put it. Kristen was about as empty-headed as anyone could get.
Her lack of intelligence didn’t matter one iota because Kristen was beautiful. The boys at school stumbled all over themselves every time Kristen walked down the hall. She was popular with just about everyone—except Tanni. Already there was talk about Kristen being crowned homecoming queen next October when they were seniors.
Tanni suspected Grace thought she was jealous of Kristen but that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t. She simply didn’t respect the other girl. The head librarian
had asked Tanni to make an effort to get along with Kristen, and she’d tried. She really had, not that it’d done much good. Knowing that Kristen would be at the meeting today put Tanni on edge.
The library was busy, probably due to the upcoming Fourth of July weekend. Half a dozen people stood in line waiting to check out books. All the computers were in use, too.
One of the librarians recognized Tanni and greeted her with a smile. “Grace is in the conference room,” she said, pointing in that direction.
“Thanks.” Tanni headed toward the back of the library.
The conference room door was open, and she saw Grace sitting at the table with a pile of tissues in front of her. Tanni hesitated. Either Grace had come down with a wretched cold—or she’d been crying.
Not until she walked into the room did Tanni notice that Grace wasn’t alone. Kristen Jamey sat across from her, and instinctively Tanni stiffened.
Grace glanced up. “Oh, hello, Tanni. I apologize for the tears. My dog, Buttercup…” She didn’t finish.
“Grace found Buttercup dead this morning,” Kristen explained. “She died in her sleep. Grace’s husband, Cliff, is burying Buttercup in her favorite shady spot.”
“Oh, Grace, I’m so sorry.” Tanni felt terrible for her. She’d lost her own dog, Bingo, when she was ten and, until her father’s death, it’d been the worst event of her life.
“I’d had Buttercup at the vet earlier in the week and everything seemed to be okay. She was getting on in years and sleeping a lot, but…this was unexpected.”
“Maybe we should cancel the meeting,” Kristen suggested, looking at Tanni.
“Sure. I can come another time.”
“No.” Grace dabbed at her eyes. “You’re both here and the others are coming. I’ll be fine. Just give me a few minutes.”
Kristen reached across the table and squeezed her hand gently. Tanni wanted to say something but she didn’t really know how to comfort Grace. She thought of telling her about Bingo and how sad she’d been when he died. Only it didn’t seem like a good idea to share her own pain because it might make her weep, too.
“My dog’s name was Bingo,” Kristen whispered.
Tanni’s head shot up.
“He was part cocker spaniel and part something else, although no one ever seemed to know what. Maybe poodle. My brother found him. The poor dog looked like he’d been lost a long time. Bingo didn’t have any identification, and we put an ad in the paper but no one claimed him. The day my dad was going to take him to the shelter I cried and cried, so my parents let me keep him. He’d become my friend. He even slept on my bed.”
Bingo had slept on Tanni’s bed, too.
“I got Buttercup from a friend of Charlotte Rhodes. It was shortly after my first husband died. I was so lonely, and Buttercup seemed to know how much I needed her. She loved Cliff…and me.” Grace grabbed another tissue and blew her nose. “Enough. I have to get a grip here.”
“If it’s any consolation, it does get easier with time,” Kristen said in the same soothing voice. “I still think about Bingo and sometimes—” she glanced hesitantly at Tanni “—sometimes I feel as if he’s still at the end of my bed asleep.”
Tanni looked away. She felt the same thing about her Bingo.
The meeting lasted two hours. The four original volunteers showed up, plus three other adults who sat in to listen to the presentation. All three decided that they, too, wanted to be part of the program.
Tanni kept her eye on Kristen. The other girl had been so good with Grace. Kristen had said everything Tanni wished she’d been able to say. Kristen had expressed sympathy and understanding and done it in a compassionate, thoughtful way.
Tanni didn’t know the airhead was even capable of that. While Kristen had been comforting Grace, Tanni had sat like a dope with her tongue glued to the roof of her mouth.
When the meeting ended, Tanni followed Kristen out of the building. She wanted to tell her about Bingo. Her Bingo.
Apparently Kristen saw that Tanni was behind her because once they’d left the building, she whirled around. “What do you want?” she snapped.
“Ah…”
“You’ve made it clear you don’t like me, Tanni. I don’t know what I ever did to you, but it must’ve been awful.”
“Actually, I wanted to tell you something.”
“So tell me.”
She hated the way Kristen made her feel. Grace had asked Tanni to make an effort with the other girl, and so far nothing had worked. Well, okay, she could’ve tried harder. She took a deep breath.
“I had a dog named Bingo, too,” she told her.
Kristen’s gaze narrowed as though she didn’t believe her.
“You can ask my mother if you want. It’s true. He died six years ago.”
For a long moment Kristen didn’t say anything. “I still miss my Bingo.”
Tanni stared down at the pavement. “I miss my Bingo, too.”
The other girl hesitated. “Would you like to walk over to Mocha Mama’s?”
Her suspicions immediately shot up. “Why?”
Kristen shrugged. “To get something to drink. If you’ve got other plans, it’s no big deal.”
Tanni made a show of looking at her watch. “I’ve got a few minutes.”
“Great.” Kristen was all smiles now.
They walked across the street and down the next block to Mocha Mama’s, where Shaw had once worked. His uncle owned the shop and had replaced Shaw with another manager. Adam was a college student who instantly perked up when Kristen and Tanni walked in. Tanni knew his sudden interest wasn’t in her. Adam’s eyes went straight to Kristen.
“What can I get you ladies?” Adam asked cheerfully.
Twice when she’d stopped by, Tanni had to wait while Adam talked on his cell phone. Seeing the way he reacted to Kristen confirmed everything Tanni knew about the other girl. It wasn’t fair that this airhead would command such adoration. Shaw would probably want to draw Kristen’s portrait, too, she thought cynically.
Thinking about him made her tense. Without being too obvious about it, she got out her cell phone to see if there was a text message from Shaw, desperately hoping he’d answered her while she was in the meeting at the library.
He hadn’t.
No surprise there. She hadn’t heard from him since the night before, when she’d practically begged him to reply. Then his answer had been short and had basically said he was studying and she should leave him alone. She’d tossed and turned half the night.
“What would you like?” Kristen asked, breaking into Tanni’s thoughts.
It took her a moment to respond. “I’ll have a chai tea.”
“Me, too,” Kristen said,
Tanni rummaged in her purse for money.
“It’s on the house,” Adam said.
Kristen thanked Adam and when they’d been served she led the way to a table by the window. It was the same one where Tanni often used to sit with Shaw.
“That must happen to you a lot,” Tanni said, unable to hide her sarcasm.
“You mean getting stuff for free?”
“Yeah.”
She shrugged. “Sometimes.”
Tanni’s cell dinged, indicating she had a text message. In her effort to reach her cell, she nearly tumbled off the chair. When she saw that the message was from her brother, Nick, who’d stayed in Seattle for the summer, she wanted to weep with frustration. She became aware of Kristen watching her and quickly shoved the phone back in her purse.
“I wanted to tell you something,” Kristen said. “I know you don’t like me. I’m not sure why, but I can guess.”
Tanni doubted Kristen would understand her feelings, but she wasn’t going to argue. “Let me ask you something, okay?”
“Sure.” Kristen sounded eager to clear the air.
“Why did you volunteer? Are you doing it because your GPA stinks and you figure having this on your college application is going to help?”
“No.�
�� Her denial was instantaneous and vehement.
“Then why?”
Kristen’s hand tightened around her drink. “I had trouble learning to read, too. I’m dyslexic, but when I first started school we lived in this really small town and they didn’t test me for it. I struggled for a long time before I caught on to the concept of reading. I wanted to help another child learn because if a volunteer hadn’t stepped in to help me, I might’ve turned out to be one of those functional illiterates Grace talked about in the meeting this afternoon.”
“You’re dyslexic?” Tanni found it hard to believe.
“I know you think I’m an airhead. But I’m not stupid. It’s just that I have a different way of learning than most people.”
“Oh.” Tanni felt immediately guilty. “I assumed your heart wasn’t really in this.”
“It is,” Kristen said with such conviction that Tanni would never doubt her again.
“What about you?” Kristen asked, then sipped at her creamy chai tea.
Tanni hesitated. The other girl had been honest with her. The least she could do was repay her in kind. “I need to get my mind off Shaw.”
“Shaw used to work here, didn’t he?”
She answered with a nod. “He’s attending the San Francisco Art Institute now.”
“Wow, that’s great.”
“For him it is.” Tanni, on the other hand, was stuck in Cedar Cove and would be for another year, if not longer. Before Shaw left, they’d promised never to let anything or anyone come between them. He hadn’t even been away three months and he was giving her the brush-off.
When he’d first gone to San Francisco, they’d been in constant communication. Now she was lucky if she heard from him three times a week. Whenever she did she was so happy; her behavior was downright pitiful. She hated her own reaction to his lack of contact as much as she hated what had happened between them.
“Not so good for you, right?” Kristen asked.
“You could say that.” Tanni was unable to hide the pain in her voice. “We used to text every hour…. Now I hardly hear from him. I just wish he’d say he wants to break up, you know. Instead, he’s killing me with this silence.”
“Guys usually don’t.”
Debbie Macomber's Cedar Cove Series, Volume 2 Page 111
