“But you’d prefer to live here?”
I nod. “Yeah, I would. But what do you want?”
She throws the ball, then turns and gives me all of her attention. “If you want to live here, then I’m happy living here, Vinnie. We never really spoke about us though, and like we’ve said before, we’ve kind of always lived together because of our unusual circumstances.”
She looks unsure for a moment, but I have no fuckin’ idea why, or where she’s going with this.
“What are you saying?”
She looks down at Colt now and pats his head. “I guess I just don’t know where your head is at with us. You’ve never really talked about the future, and now that everything has calmed down, we have the opportunity to make more decisions and find out what we want to do.”
I still have no idea what she’s getting at.
“Do you want me?” I ask her, staring her down.
“Yes.”
“And you’re happy living at the clubhouse?”
“Yes,” she replies. “But—”
“Then that’s all I need to know.”
I cup her face with my hands and kiss her lips. “Don’t overthink everything. It’s still just you and me against the world, all right?”
“All right,” she whispers, puckering her lips for another kiss, which I give her. “I just think we need to have some talks about the future. I want to finish college and get my degree.”
“Then do it,” I tell her. “You don’t have to work if you don’t want to, but if you do, then that’s up to you. I’m not going to control your life, Shay, unless it comes to your safety. I agree that there’s a few things we need to discuss.”
I was putting off telling her that I didn’t want marriage or children, because women don’t react well to hearing that kind of shit. Maybe she really wanted children, and she’d leave me to find a man who would give that to her. I’d do anything to make her happy, but having a child with her isn’t something one just does for the other person. Being a father is a full-time gig that I’m not qualified for. We haven’t been together long, but she should know that, even in the future, I don’t plan on ever having children or walking down that aisle. What will I do if she leaves? Maybe that means she isn’t the one for me. My mind rejects that thought instantly, knowing that it isn’t true. I guess I can only tell her and see how she reacts.
But not today.
THIRTY-SEVEN
Shayla
I SPEND the rest of the day with Faye and Clover, while Vinnie goes to Rift to do some work. I wonder if he’s going to drop by Toxic to do some work there too.
“Do all the men go to Toxic?” I ask Faye as I help fold the new baby clothes she bought.
“At one point or another, I’d say yes,” she replies, looking up from the baby-blue onesie in her hand. “You need to trust your man, Shay. Do they go to Toxic and have a look at the women? I’m sure they do—as a matter of fact, I know that they do.” She grins. “I’ve been there before with them. You should ask Vinnie to take you there, you can go see for yourself. They look but don’t touch, unless they’re single.”
“I don’t think Vinnie would cheat,” I admit, sighing. “But you know, in the back of my head is always a part of my brain saying never to completely trust a man.”
“That part of your brain is called your common sense,” she surprises me by saying. “You can’t trust all men, and sometimes even good men mess up. You just have to go with your gut, honey. I think Vinnie is a great man. I’ve known him for many years.” She lowers her voice. “But you have to handle men in a way they don’t know they’re being handled.”
I laugh at that. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
“I do okay,” she replies, looking over to where Clover is asleep on the bed. “She’s so excited to be a big sister.”
“She’s such a great kid,” I say, smiling at her sleeping form. “You’ve done such an amazing job. I’m going to come to you for advice if I ever have children.”
“Aunty Faye will be more than happy to help,” she says, grinning, then studying me. “Now what do you want to talk to me about?”
I open my mouth, then close it. “How did you know that I—”
“I wasn’t born yesterday,” she says, cutting me off. “Is everything okay? Tell me.”
So I tell her everything that’s been on my mind.
* * *
“What on earth are you doing?” I ask Rake, who is looking into the oven like there’s a monster in there.
“I’m hungry, so I put something in the oven and now it’s burned. And Bailey is at work and isn’t here to make me something.”
Seriously?
I blink slowly. “You’re spoiled, you know that?”
“What I am is hungry,” he groans, rubbing his abs. How he stays that muscular with the amount he eats I have no idea.
“Do you want to do a food run?” I ask, feeling a little hungry myself.
“Are you allowed to leave the house?” he asks, closing the oven with a slam. “I could go for a burger and fries. Or some fried chicken.”
“I mean, I’m not not allowed to leave the house,” I hedge, shrugging and flashing him my best puppy-dog eyes. “I’m just meant to stay hidden a little. I’m sure no one will spot me going through a drive-through.”
“True. Yeah, all right, let’s go then.”
“I’ll even drive, so you can eat in peace,” I offer, being the kind person that I am, but all he does is laugh.
“Fuck no. I heard how you drive, and I’d like to survive to see my daughter grow up, thank you very much.”
I found it adorable how he calls Cara his daughter, even though she isn’t his biologically.
“Fine, you drive then,” I say, rolling my eyes. I’m not that bad a driver, these men are the biggest exaggerators. “Maybe we can go do some shooting practice when we’re done?”
“Dying to get out of the house, are we?”
“I’m going to kill someone,” I admit, shoulders sagging. “I’ve studied, cleaned, and taught Colt every trick I can think of. I also baked cupcakes.”
I continue before he can even open his mouth to ask. “Everyone already ate them.”
“You could save me some next time,” he grumbles, lifting his chin. “Let’s go. I’m starting to get hangry.”
I follow him out to the four-wheel drive, sliding in when he open the doors. “Chicken or burgers?”
“Let’s get both,” he says, putting his seat belt on. I do the same, realizing that I’ve never really been alone with Rake before, and I have no idea what to talk to him about. He takes care of that though, making me feel comfortable. Sometimes I forget that not everyone is as awkward as me.
“Well, we can’t go shooting,” he says, looking straight ahead.
“Why not?”
“Because I forgot to bring a gun, unless you have one stashed away in that purse of yours.” He pauses. “Why did you even bring a purse? If you try to pay, I’m throwing you out that window. You’d probably fit through it too.”
“You don’t have a gun in the car?” I ask, opening the glove box. “What kind of criminal are you?”
He gasps, pretending to be hurt. “Is that what you think of me?”
“There’s no gun in there but there’s a shitload of condoms,” I say, pursing my lips.
Rake chuckles, glancing at me for a second before returning his eye to the road. “Priorities, Shay.”
“Are they yours? They’re extra-small ones,” I joke, pulling one out and throwing it at him.
“Definitely not mine then. Maybe they’re Vinnie’s?”
“Trust me when I say that they’re not.”
They weren’t even small condoms, they were extra-large, I just wanted to annoy him. We go through one drive-through, then another, getting way too much food for two people. Rake eyes his food, then me, and says, “I’m wondering what I care about more right now. Eating this food, or possibly getting into a car crash if I
let you drive.” He grabs a piece of chicken, and I do the same. We look at each other, and then slap the pieces of chicken together. “Cheers!” I say, making him laugh.
“Cheers. Luckily, when it comes to food, I can multitask,” he mutters as he takes a giant bite.
When we get back to the clubhouse, Vinnie is standing by his bike, texting on his phone. He rushes to the car, opening my door and scowling. “Jesus, fuck! I tried calling you, I had no idea where you were.”
I rub my mouth with the back of my hand. “I just went to get food.”
“I can see that,” he says quietly, as I grab the bag and exit the car.
“I didn’t think you’d be back so early, that’s why I didn’t bother messaging you.”
“You could have anyway,” he grumbles, rubbing his hand over his head. “I freaked the fuck out for a second. And no one else was here, so it made it even worse. I wasn’t sure what had happened.”
“Everything all right?” Rake asks, coming over with double the amount of food in his hands. “Sorry, Vinnie, I didn’t know you’d freak out. We were gone only thirty minutes.”
“No problem, brother,” Vinnie replies, helping me carry the food.
We walk into the clubhouse and sit at the kitchen table, sharing our food with Vinnie. There’s something I need to talk to him about, but I know it’s going to be a very awkward conversation, so I’ve been avoiding it since yesterday. I figure that I’ll tell him tonight in bed, and try not to spend the rest of the day worrying about it. Rake and Vinnie talk about some run that the men are going to on the weekend, but I find out that Vinnie and Tracker will be staying behind this time. I wonder what they do on these runs, or what they’re even for. When I ask, they both answer at the exact same time, saying, “Club business.”
So I just bite into my chicken, not bothering to ask them any more questions on that subject.
“Save some for me,” Rake grumbles, making me laugh as I point out his pile.
“You’re so greedy!”
“You’re so tiny, how much food can you possibly need?” he fires back, checking over me.
“Let her eat, it all goes to her ass,” Vinnie adds, chuckling at my outraged gasp.
I put down the piece of chicken. In a moment of immaturity, I pick up Rake’s last piece and lick it. He shoots Vinnie a look that says, “Control your woman.”
Vinnie just laughs. I for one am glad he’s in a good mood. I push my burger toward Rake to make up for it, which he accepts with narrowed eyes. Guess I was now on his shit list, all over a piece of chicken.
“Are we still going to shoot?” I ask him.
“No.”
My lip twitches.
I look to Vinnie. “Want to take me shooting?”
Vinnie’s never taken me before, it’s always been something I do with Tracker and Rake, kind of like our little bonding moment.
“Okay,” Vinnie replies, and I can see his mind working behind his eyes. “Let’s see what you’ve got, Shay.”
I’m going to show him.
Right after I emerge from this food coma.
THIRTY-EIGHT
Vinnie
“NOT bad,” I comment as she hits six out of the ten cans. “I’m actually pretty fuckin’ impressed.”
She smiles widely, and aims for one of the cans left standing. I ask her if I can take a shot, then hit down the remaining cans.
“Team effort,” she says, moving to stand next to me. “Vinnie, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I was going to tell you tonight, but we’re here, all alone so . . .”
I put the safety on the gun and ask distractedly, “Is this the future talk?”
She nods.
To be honest, I don’t really want to have this talk right now, mainly because I’m terrible at being open about my feelings and shit, but if she really wants some reassurance about us, I’ll try my best to give it to her.
“I want to be with you, Shay,” I tell her. “I know we haven’t been together long, but I don’t give a fuck. I’ve never wanted a woman like I want you in my life, I’ve never felt like this before, like I just know you’re mine, you know?” She nods, and I take a deep breath, needing to get the words out. “I will give you everything in my power to give, do anything to make you happy, but you need to know a few things. A life with me means no marriage and no children.” Her face falls, but I keep going, wanting her to know that it has nothing to do with her. “I don’t really believe in marriage. I don’t think two people have to be married, it’s just a piece of paper, and I’ve always known I’d never get married. You know the childhood I had, in foster care until I was eighteen, and I just never planned on having any children in my life. I don’t think I’d be a good role model, I never had a father, so I have no idea how to be one. I want you, Shay, more than anything, so I just really hope you want me back enough to still be with me.”
She stays frozen for a few seconds, then schools her expression. It fuckin’ kills me that she’s hiding her emotions when she hasn’t done it since we first met.
“I see,” she says, not looking me in the eye. “This is a lot to process, Vinnie.”
“I know,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck. “And I should have told you sooner. I really think we could be happy, Shay; we don’t need kids or a piece of paper for us to have an amazing, fulfilling life together.”
“I know,” she says, seeming distracted. Needing to touch her, I bring her against my body, hugging her in my arms.
“Let’s go home. We can talk about this some more, if you like, or we can discuss it later after you’ve gathered your thoughts.”
I was just 100 percent honest with her.
I don’t want to hurt her, I don’t want her to leave, but she has to know what I’m thinking and feeling, where my head is at. I want both of us to be happy, and she definitely deserves my honesty. She’s quiet as we walk back through the woods to the bike, and it’s almost as if I can feel her withdraw from me. I almost wish I could take the words back, but I can’t, and I shouldn’t have to. I can only hope that she understands and can find it in her to give us a chance. She leans against my back on the ride home, giving me hope that she isn’t trying to distance herself, because she doesn’t need to hold on to me so closely.
Maybe I’m just looking into things that aren’t there though. She’s quiet—too quiet as we get off the bike and walk inside the clubhouse. She doesn’t even smile or tease Rake when we pass him, and he makes a chicken-licker joke. She just goes straight into our room, gets into bed, and takes Lana’s new book from the side table and starts to read it. I decide to give her a little time alone before I try to talk to her again, so I sit in the game room with a beer and think about what the fuck I’m going to do if she decides I’m not worth it. It’s a lot to ask of any woman, I know, especially because some dream of being mothers their whole lives. Then again, more and more women are opting not to have children too. Shay never mentioned wanting kids, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t. It probably means I should have brought the topic up a long time ago.
Yeah, I fucked up.
One hour and two beers later, I walk into our room to find her asleep. I remove my shoes and slide in next to her, wrapping my arms around her tightly. “I love you, Shay,” I whisper to her. “Please don’t leave me.”
* * *
The next morning, I find her awake early, already showered and dressed and sitting in the kitchen, eating some toast.
“’Morning, you’re up early.”
She smiles, but it seems forced. “I couldn’t sleep. What are your plans for today?”
“Sin wants some help painting his house today,” I say, scanning her face. “Do you want to come? Faye will be here though, because the paint smell apparently isn’t good for the baby.”
Her face brightens when I mention Faye. “No, I’ll stay here and hang out with Faye. She’s going to show me how to throw knives.”
An average day with Faye then.
&n
bsp; “That sounds more fun than literally watching paint dry,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “I still want to talk to you a little more about yesterday. I don’t want things to be strained between us. You know you can say whatever is on your mind, right? I won’t hold it against you.”
Just like I hope she won’t do to me.
“I know, I know,” she says, leaning into me. “Why don’t we go out to dinner or something tonight? We can talk about everything then.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll be back in a few hours anyway. Now give me a kiss.”
She lifts up on her toes and kisses me. I deepen the kiss, wanting our connection back—it’s like I can just feel something isn’t right, and I need to fix it, now. Today. I will fix it.
“Do you want something to eat before you leave?” she asks, resting her palm on my chest like she always does. “I can make you some bacon and eggs, or some pancakes or something.”
“No, I’m fine,” I say, running my fingers along her collarbone. “Sin says food is provided. Probably knows it’s the only way to get us there.”
She grins and says, “Ten bucks says Rake will be the first one there.”
“I don’t know,” I say, loving the fact she was acting more like herself. “He likes his sleep too.”
“He’s like a giant kid.”
“Says the woman who licked his fried chicken yesterday.”
She lifts her shoulders in a shrug. “He deserved it.”
I kiss her again, unable to stop myself. The truth is, yesterday scared the fuckin’ shit out of me, and I can’t wait to get all this over with so we can go back to being Vinnie and Shay.
“Probably,” I murmur, taking a step away from her. “Faye should already be on her way here, so you won’t have to wait long—or do you want me to wait until she gets here?”
She rolls her brown eyes and says, “I’m sure I can manage for ten minutes without you. Besides, I’m not even alone, Irish and Tina are here.” She pauses. “And Colt. Will you tell me how the other two puppies are doing? Maybe take some pictures?”
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