It felt good to drive again. At least that’s what he told himself as the car ate up the miles. Funny to think that when he’d first been assigned Kat as a bodyguard, he’d been so annoyed he wasn’t allowed to drive his own car. Now he’d give anything to have Kat drive him.
No. For the sake of his sanity, he wasn’t going to keep thinking about her. He had his life back on track now, didn’t he? Soon he’d finish this film and start the next. That morning he’d called his manager and told her to accept a spot on one of those chat shows that kept asking him to appear. He wanted to come clean about his real background so anyone entering his life from now on knew exactly who he was, where he’d come from. And the inherent risks they could potentially be exposed to.
An hour later he swung the Aston into the Edwards Estate and brought it to a stop on the gravel drive by the entrance.
Even before he’d climbed out of the car, the front door of the house was flung open. It’s a bloody stately home. Damn it, why could he still hear Kat’s voice?
‘Zac.’ Helena dashed down the stairs and before he knew it, he was being pulled into a firm embrace. ‘Oh my goodness, my dear boy, how are you?’ Her eyes ran over him. ‘You look tired, and a little on the thin side for my liking. I need to tell Maisy to change dinner tonight to something more fattening.’
‘Whoa, calm down. I’m fine. Really.’ Feeling a rush of affection, he gave her a quick squeeze. ‘I’ll have double helpings of whatever Maisy has already planned.’
‘I suppose that will work, too.’ He was surprised, when he looked into her eyes, to find them heavy with unshed tears. ‘I was so worried when I got the call to say you’d been shot.’
‘You needn’t have been. It was a flesh wound, nothing more, though I have acquired a rather heroic scar.’
She smiled, threading her arm through his as they walked into the house. ‘I would expect nothing less than heroic from you.’
He faltered as the word circulated around his head. ‘There is nothing heroic about getting a fourteen-year-old girl involved in my mess.’
Immediately Helena stopped, her gaze searching his for a moment before she shook her head. And swore for the first time since he’d known her. ‘I might have known you’d be taking the blame for what happened. Of course you would.’ Gently she touched his cheek. ‘I’m not sure if you remember, but for the first few years you lived here after your mother passed, you kept apologising for everything. If you needed new shoes because your feet grew too big. If you’d left a dirty sock on the floor in your otherwise far too tidy bedroom. When you knocked over a vase and broke it, even though Antony was the one at fault for chasing you indoors.’ She reached up to kiss him. ‘Like I told you when you were a child, not everything is your fault, Zac. And this certainly isn’t. Your father hired a man to kill you, and that man chose to use Debs in order to get to you.’
‘He wouldn’t have even known about Debs if I hadn’t agreed to live with them.’ When she started to refute him, Zac squeezed her hand. ‘I know that was Kat’s choice, just as I know she’s blaming herself for it. But I also know if I hadn’t lied to her, if I’d told her who my real father was, she wouldn’t have suggested I stay.’
‘Fiddlesticks.’ Helena gave him one of her steely stares. He’d not received many – most had been directed at Antony when they’d been growing up – but he felt the power of it now. ‘Kat is a strong, independently-minded woman. She’d have trusted herself to keep you and her niece safe, whatever the circumstances. Besides, nobody could have foreseen that Jimmy would be crazy enough to seek revenge in this way. Neither the police, the prison wardens nor his parole officers saw this coming, and they knew him better than any of us. Now,’ she guided him towards the living room. ‘Enough of this nonsense. William will be pacing up and down, wanting to see you.’ She gave Zac a soft smile. ‘But I told him I wanted a bit of mother–son time, first.’
He came to an abrupt halt. ‘I’m not your son.’
She placed her hands on his shoulders and gave him the mother of all dirty looks, which should have looked ridiculous considering she was a foot shorter than him. ‘Zac Edwards, I’ve thought of you as my son ever since you came to live in our home. We’d have adopted you, only your rotten father wouldn’t let us. But we gave you our name, that should have told you how we felt. How much we both love you.’
‘I … I didn’t realise.’ He felt choked, the emotion travelling hot and thick into this throat. All this time he’d spent believing he was a burden to them, yet he’d been loved. He tried to surreptitiously wipe his eyes, but she was too observant.
‘Come here, you ninny.’ She wiped away his embarrassing tears. ‘Now go and put William out of his misery while I tell Maisie to bring us some tea and scones.’
Chapter 35
Kat stared at the woman on her doorstep. A stone lighter than when she’d left, her face less haggard, her eyes bright, her sister looked better than she had in a long, long time.
‘You look …’ Kat shook her head, the words getting all mixed up with the emotion of seeing her sister again. ‘Flaming heck, Mandy, you look amazing.’
‘I feel amazing.’
They shared a hug on the doorstep before Kat stepped back and yelled, ‘Debs, you’ve got a visitor. She looks like someone I used to know, only younger. Not as young as me, obviously—’
‘Mum!’
As mother and daughter shared an embrace, Kat had to look away for a moment. Along with the joy, the pleasure at seeing two of her favourite people so happy, was a dart of unwanted jealousy. Would she ever know that bond between mother and child?
The thought immediately turned her mind to Zac, and she had to work hard to shove it aside.
‘What are you doing home?’ Debs, bless her, looked totally overcome. ‘I thought you had another three weeks.’
‘I did, but I also needed to see my daughter.’ Mandy cradled Debs’s face in her hands. ‘Kat told me you were okay but I had to check for myself.’
‘So you’re going back?’
‘No, not as I have been.’ Mandy clasped her daughter’s hand. ‘I’ll go back during the day, but I’m coming home every evening from now on.’
The expression on Debs’s face faltered. ‘But won’t that muck up your treatment?’
‘No, sweetie. The clinic said I’ve been doing so well they were going to suggest this anyway.’ Mandy held out her other hand to Kat. ‘Come on you two, let’s go and sit down. You guys have sooooo much to tell me.’
They talked, and talked. Debs became defensive when it came to questions about the party, and the older guy, but quietly admitted she’d told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. She was going to focus on her exams because she’d decided she quite fancied being a lawyer. Or maybe a doctor. Or a pilot. She wasn’t sure yet but she needed to max her GCSEs. Mandy and Kat shared a look of relief, mixed with pride.
As they relayed the trauma of the kidnapping, they all shed a tear. Debs confirmed she’d not at any point been hurt, and though she’d been terrified, she’d been more scared of what the man wanted to do to Zac.
‘So, this Zac, who’s been sleeping in my bed. From what you’ve both told me, he’s a stand-up guy and as hot in real life as he is on the screen.’ Mandy gave Kat a quizzical look. ‘Where is he now?’
‘Yeah, Kat, where is he?’ Debs stared at her accusingly.
‘I don’t know.’ It had been four days since he’d turned up on her doorstep and she’d hurt him with her thoughtless words. Your regret is also the happiest time of my life. His quietly spoken words were the last thing she remembered every night.
‘Have you at least spoken to him since?’
‘Yes.’ Kat stood up abruptly. ‘Look, I don’t want to talk about this right now. There’s too much crap going through my head. I said stuff I shouldn’t and I really regret it, but I can’t go ringing him up until I know what I want. I’ve hurt him enough.’
Mandy narrowed her eyes. ‘Good God, Kat. You’re
scared, aren’t you? You’ve fallen for this guy and you’re terrified of, what? Him dying on you, like Wes did?’ Kat whirled on her sister, ready to argue, but Mandy stuck up a hand. ‘Okay, if it’s not that, maybe you’re terrified of ending up like Mum? Because I can really see that happening. You being a pushover and Zac turning into a drunken bully, dictating to you.’
Out of nowhere, Debs started to giggle. ‘Yeah, he’d be like …’ She tilted her chin and started to speak in a poor imitation of Zac. ‘Kat, I believe I requested you get me … no, what’s a fancy word for get?’
‘Procure?’ Mandy suggested.
‘Yeah, yeah, that sounds right.’ Debs started again. ‘Kat, I believe I requested you procure me a glass of wine. Then Kat would be like, no, get it yourself. And Zac would get up and pour them both one.’
Mandy started to laugh along with her daughter. ‘Is that really what he’s like?’
‘Sure it is. He talks all fancy and he’s a total pussycat.’ She gave Kat a sly look. ‘At least with his girlfriend.’
‘I’m not his girlfriend,’ she started to bluster, then paused when she saw Debs and Mandy staring at her. ‘Okay, I was, sort of. Maybe I still am, but I was pretty shitty to him when he came round, so maybe not.’ She hadn’t been there for him when he’d needed her the most. The shameful thought wouldn’t leave her. Why hadn’t she taken him in her arms and told him she loved him? That he wasn’t to blame? Why had she chosen instead to make him feel as if he was?
‘You are aware that if you want to remain his girlfriend, or even his friend, you need to give him a call.’ Mandy gave her a searching look. ‘Apologise for being shitty.’
Kat knew her sister was right, and maybe not just over her need to phone Zac. ‘I might go out tomorrow. Give you and Debs some mother and daughter bonding time.’
‘You know you don’t need to do that.’ Mandy looked questioningly at her. ‘Where’s this mysterious out, anyway? Are you planning to go and see Zac?’
‘No, not yet.’ She would phone him, though whether he picked up was another matter. ‘I thought I’d go home.’
Mandy’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Home, home? As in back to the hovel?’
‘As in back to see Mum, if she’s still there.’ She’d once told Zac she felt guilty about never going back, and this was one way to rid herself of at least some of that. More important though, were the words he’d said in reply. In order to cope with our present, and look ahead to our future, we have to put the past behind us.
So far, she’d done a pretty crap job of looking ahead. Mandy had been right, if she dared to think of a future with Zac, all she saw was fear and loss. Maybe they didn’t have a future. Maybe he was too fancy for her, too neat, too uptight. Maybe she was too messy for him, too mouthy, too much the tomboy instead of the willowy elegant lady. But was she really going to let her fear decide that, for both of them?
Truth was, she’d never met anyone who understood her more, who was as patient, as kind, and damn it, as brave. What he’d done back in the park hadn’t been through lack of trust, she could see that now. It had been the opposite – he’d trusted her to have his back, even when he’d knowingly put himself right in the firing line.
Bottom line then, if she could find a way to stop this awful cowardy-custard rubbish, she was going to grab it. She’d faced the horror of believing she’d lost Zac and come through the other side, yet still she’d pushed him away. Maybe she needed to face the other demon from her past. The horror of her parents’ relationship.
‘If you’re going back there, we’re going too.’ Mandy’s voice jolted Kat out of her head. When she turned to face her, Mandy gave her a wide smile. ‘Why should you have all the fun?’
***
He’d only intended staying with William and Helena for a night, but that had drifted into two and before he knew it, he’d spent four days with them. Four days of horse riding with Helena, clay pigeon shooting with William, walks around the estate and gentle runs to get his fitness back. Four days without the presence of Isabelle or Antony to ruin the harmony.
Now it was Saturday, and with an apartment that hadn’t been properly lived in for over a month, and filming again on Monday, he regretfully told Helena over breakfast that it was time to head back.
‘Oh no you don’t. Not yet.’ She pierced him with one of her stubborn looks. ‘Not until we talk about Kat.’
He wasn’t going to do anything as ridiculous as blush. He certainly wasn’t going to get choked up. ‘What about her?’ Calm, measured. He was proud of himself.
‘When are you going to tell her that you love her?’
Heat surged up his neck and across his face. ‘Sorry?’
‘You most certainly will be sorry if you don’t let her know how you feel.’
‘She knows.’ And a lot of good it had done him. Damn, why were his eyes burning again?
‘So that’s it?’ Helena’s expression wasn’t quite disgust, it was more disappointment. In him. ‘You’re just going to, what, give up on the only woman I’ve known you to fall in love with?’
‘How is it giving up?’ He gave her a brief rundown of his visit to Kat, and the awful conversation they’d had on the doorstep. ‘She hates me for what I did, and I can’t even blame her.’
‘She doesn’t hate you, Zac.’ Helena’s expression softened, her eyes now full of compassion. ‘You caught her when everything was too raw. She was trying to support her niece and cope with her own guilt. You’ve both had a few days to calm down and get the whole thing into a proper perspective.’
Zac gave up trying to eat – his throat had all but closed up now – and pushed his plate away. ‘It doesn’t matter how long I give it, the facts remain the same. I allowed a killer into their life. I can’t forgive myself for that, so there’s no hope she’ll be able to. And if she can’t forgive me, she’ll never be able to love me.’ Or, to put it another way, she’d not loved him before, so she certainly wouldn’t now.
‘You won’t know any of that for certain if you don’t try and make things right.’
He carefully folded the napkin he’d used and placed it on the table. ‘I’m not sure it’s up to me anymore. She was very clear what she thought when I last spoke to her. To go and see her again could be seen as harassment.’
‘Did she tell you to leave her alone?’
‘No, not exactly.’ I regret letting you stay in our house. ‘Not in those words.’
‘In which case, she’s left the door ajar. And I hope, for your sake, you’ll at least try and ease it further open.’
Zac pondered Helena’s words as he made the drive back to his place. He was perfectly happy to have the door slammed in his face again. When it came to Kat, his ego had long since taken a running jump. What he couldn’t live with, was causing Kat – or Debs – any further distress. It tortured him to know that turning up on their doorstep again, might do exactly that.
***
His apartment felt too impersonal. Too cold. Hell, though it pained him to admit it, the place felt too tidy. Zac had only been back an evening and already he’d taken three of his mum’s teapots out of their cabinet and put them on the kitchen worktop. Just to make some clutter.
She’d have smiled, if she’d seen them. She’d been so proud of the blasted things, showing her collection off to anyone who came round. When he’d once asked why she liked teapots so much, she’d told him it wasn’t so much what they looked like, as what they represented. A friendly chat, a shoulder to cry on, a pick me up or a soothing word. The beginning of a discussion or the settling of an argument. So much, she’d told him, could be achieved over a pot of tea.
Zac wondered if he should take one round to Kat, or if their relationship was so far estranged even a pot of tea couldn’t fix it.
His mobile buzzed in his trouser pocket and he snatched it out without looking who it was. ‘Hello?’
‘Zac, it’s me.’ Immediately his heart let out a massive thump. He didn’t need the clarification th
at followed. ‘It’s Kat.’
‘I know who me is.’
‘Oh, okay.’ A pause, and she sounded a bit breathless. Like she was walking. Or maybe nervous. ‘It’s not been so long that you’ve forgotten me then.’
Slowly, because it was all his suddenly weak legs could manage, he made his way over to the sofa. ‘I’ll never forget you, Kat.’
‘Well, that’s good. At least I think it is.’ She laughed, but it sounded strained. ‘Then again, maybe you mean it in a, I’ll never forget that bloody woman, kind of way.’
He rubbed at his forehead, trying to order his scrambled thoughts. Why is she phoning? What does she want? Is this good news or bad? ‘Is there a reason you called?’
‘Does there need to be?’
‘No, God no.’ He expelled a breath, desperate for the conversation not to unravel. ‘I’m surprised to hear from you, that’s all. Surprised and delighted, though the latter does rather depend on why you’re phoning.’
There was another pause, which did nothing to help his wildly beating heart. ‘I wanted to find out how you were.’
Was that all this was? He was having a near heart attack over a cursory call? ‘Very solicitous of you. I’m well, thank you. And you?’ He cringed at the formality, aware that like most of his quirks, as Kat would put it – the way he dressed, his punctuality – it was a defence mechanism.
‘I’m well, thank you.’ She mimicked his reply, but then blew out an exasperated breath. ‘Bollocks to this. You know I can’t do polite chit chat. I phoned because I hate how we left things. I was a right cow to you when you came round and I’m sorry, okay? I never meant to take my own guilt out on you.’
His sigh came from somewhere deep inside him. What a godawful mess. ‘I’m sorry you feel guilt over something I was responsible for. If I’d been honest about who my father really was—’
‘I would still have told you to stay in our house,’ she interrupted firmly. ‘I’ve talked to Debs about this until we’re both sick to death of it. She reminded me that if I’d not gone with my instinct and instead found you yet another hotel to stay in, and then you’d been shot …’ He heard her take in a deep, shuddering breath. ‘Let’s just say she doesn’t lay any blame on either of us. In fact she’s angry AF – her words – with the pair of us for being so ridiculous about it all.’
Up Close and Personal Page 27
