by Laura Mae
[SD292]Yeah!
[SD293]It’s safe to assume it’s from the wind. ??
[SD294]I promise we now here eyes are blue by now. <3
[SD295]Actually not sure if you mean “also” or “You had a reason to” here? Thought I’d mention it just in case.
[LM296]How about this change?
[SD297]Yes! I like this a lot more.
[SD298]These people have problems. XD
[SD299]You don’t really need the comma when it’s directed at more than one person. It’s when you’re directly referring to someone.
[SD300]This one didn’t make sense to me.
[SD301]Over-explanation.
[SD302]I don’t think you need the “Ah” but that’s more personal taste.
[SD303]Not 100% sure what you mean by this?
[LM304]How about now?
[SD305]Lol I follow now.
[SD306]Or something like that. It needs to be a little more specific.
[SD307]The words “mess” and “dirty” sounded too similar in this context.
[SD308]Girl, you should look up some krav maga for fight scene inspiration. ?? Strength doesn’t matter. Syd needs krav.
[LM309]Lol she needs something.
[SD310]lol
[SD311]This is confusing and caused me to pause to figure out what you meant.
[LM312]This would be grammatically correct, right? Using the other question mark?
[SD313]You’re carrying the accent for Natalia much better than for Avani.
[SD314]I can hear it in my head but… I think Spanish for “shut up” would work well.
[SD315]I just used Google. lol
Cállate!
[SD316]You could probably sneak some Spanish into this conversation. Throw in a threat or something?
[SD317]Not sure what happened to the formatting here. At any rate, it was an incomplete sentence. ??
[LM318]How’s this?
[SD319]I like it… the only thing is the word “shields” feels funny to me. Maybe “they used as cover”?
[SD320]I think this would be clearer and avoid having “then” in the sentence twice.
[SD321]I don’t know why it won’t let me do the correct quotation mark at the beginning, but it won’t! Anyhow, double quotation marks are fine for this sort of thing.
[SD322]I almost want Raoul to be like: “I would.” But it’s so not the right time for snark. lol
[LM323]Lol But we all know Raoul would be thinking that lol
[SD324]Definitely. XD
[LM325]
[SD326]This sounds all to convenient for BOTH parents to be sick. Could it be one parent? Or a lover instead?
[LM327]
[SD328]Much better.
[SD329]Just to be more concise.
[SD330]This can be assumed.
[SD331]Technically, Harold and Silas aren’t either. Just sayin’.
[SD332]Maybe something adorable in Spanish?
[SD333]It would sound more natural to start this sentence off with “Since he was a boy” instead of having it at the end.
[SD334]This is redundant of “unfortunately”.
[SD335]Did you mean to be punny? lol
[LM336]Well, he laughed at his own joke, so yes lol
[SD337]I love it!
[SD338]The interviewer JUST chuckled. Consider using a synonym or just “said”.
[SD339]Wouldn’t granny be kind of a stretch then?
[LM340]Does the previous change help this?
[SD341]Yes!
[SD342]BARF.
He’s horrible.
[SD343]Bringing this up in dialogue is more effective. You could almost take that chunk of paragraph above and disperse it into a conversation like this.
[SD344]Much better!
[SD345]You mean without leaving?
[LM346]Yes
[SD347]Why is this girl not worried? After her day? So much trauma. This doesn’t make sense to me.
She even seemed uncomfortable with the patio earlier.
[LM348]
[SD349]Your reader isn’t shopping for an office chair. <3
[SD350]This sounded odd to me.
[SD351]WTF. No. Don’t reveal your location on the phone. XD
[LM352]Is this better?
[SD353]Much better.
[SD354]And listen on the other line to Sydona revealing her location?
[SD355]If it’s that hot, I imagine it’s daytime. That would make this more than several hours later.
[LM356]I changed it to ‘half a day later’
[SD357]I like that better.
[SD358]Seriously. I’m still not sure how I feel about this.
It would be more exciting to have some action leading up to this. Some confusion. Some sensibility.
[SD359] I got stuck on this and started researching the effectiveness of duct tape. I couldn’t help it. I needed to know. lol
Anyway, fun fact: duct tape is useless. It does not keep you from making sound, and it’s easy to get off if you’re bound. I unfortunately watched a man eat duct tape. For science.
All that to say, this would totally work… but why is her kidnapper so dumb? lol
[LM360]Lmao he ate it?! Wtf??
[SD361]Yep….
Oh, the internet.
[SD362]For reals. Give up on the duct tape, Natalia.
[SD363]I bet this would dislodge the duct tape.
I’m sorry I’m stuck on the tape. lol
[SD364]I imagine there’s swelling as well.
[SD365]This meanders more than necessary.
[SD366]This is all obvious information that the reader has gained through context.
[SD367]I’m not overly fond of this line. I think it would be more interesting if you pointed out that this is the first sound she’s heard in hours. It’s probably pretty prominent in her mind even if it is faint.
[LM368]How about this?
[SD369]I like it! A couple minor grammatical and tense things.
[SD370]Having “but” appear twice so close together sounded off.
[LM371]Got it.
[SD372]Glass or plastic?
[SD373]I’m still confused about where he ends up. Maybe something like:
His boots clicked and clacked until he reached the door to her cell.
[SD374]A stronger verb seemed appropriate.
[SD375]Wanna add to the creep levels? It could be “like a cut open frog”.
[SD376]For reals. I am hyper aware of Sydona’s heart in these past coupe chapters.
[SD377]New paragraph perhaps?
