by Hammond, T.
“Hey, I’ll be fine. I’m not even sure where these feelings are coming from, but I’ll find a balance,” I muttered into my lover’s neck.
David kissed the crown of my head. In that moment, I had an epiphany; David realized Bas’ lingering feelings too. He was always careful to show care and warmth, rather than passion when we were in front of the other man. I think, since I usually didn’t see his face, it was easy to ignore the fact that Bas was a suitor only a month or so ago. My feelings had never been as intense as Bastian’s, and I had never seen his face filled with the longing I saw a moment ago. What a mess.
Bastian looked away from us. I could see the tension in him as he mentally worked to regain his composure. Behind David’s back, I signed to Red to cut the visual bond.
Once again, I was in the dark.
Chapter Fourteen
David and Bas are off running errands with Gil. Last minute James Bondian gadgets, no doubt. All three of the men were playing out their spy fantasies with this BAWHG event. Yep, the Black and White Holiday Gala had unofficially been reduced to an acronym- welcome to the military. We pronounced it ‘BOG’ and we’re having a lot of fun making up puns and jokes, although, if I hear one more joke about getting BAWHG’ed down in details, I may start slapping people upside the head. Regardless of the teasing, there was also an edge of excitement that bubbled over from the guys as they’ve talked strategy and mission parameters over the last few days.
Me? I’m a simple girl, I am planning to wear a nice dress and listen to my dog eavesdrop on private conversations. There was really no prep needed for that. One of the guys would always be with me, so it would be easy to whisper in their ear whatever I was channeling through Red. But, the men were happy to examine the goals and risks to the gnat’s ass, so who was I to tell them they were nuts?
David explained that the BAWHG was a social affair, rather than a sit down dinner. The organizers supply a dessert (assuming guests have eaten before the event), and the remainder of the evening is dancing and mingling. Finger foods, such as caviar on toast, and varieties of cheeses, would be available on many of the tables lining the room, along with glasses of wine and champagne. There was no hard liquor provided, and with a mix of active and retired military personnel, harder alcohol was not a good idea anyway. We planned to eat at our hotel dining room a few hours before the Gala, returning to our room to rest and then primp in time to catch the limo that will pick us up and take us to the venue, at another hotel, overlooking the San Francisco Bay.
“Hey, Teresa.” Red nuzzled against my side. “Let’s go for a walk. You’ve been sad lately, but walks usually help you feel better.”
“I’m sorry, Red. I don’t mean to be sad. I think a walk is a great idea though.” We had another snowstorm last week, but in typical Spokane fashion, most of it had melted off already, leaving slush behind. I tugged on my boots, gloves, and parka, not bothering with a hat. I grabbed my cell phone to put in my coat pocket, and we headed for the back sliding door. “Any place you want to go, Pal?”
“Not really. Maybe we can just head up the road towards the land Bas and David are buying? It’s a short walk, but we can practice mind vision and speaking at the same time. The headaches don’t bother me as much anymore.”
I gave him an affectionate scratch on the head as I set the code for the house alarm. “It’s amazing how much easier it's getting for you in just a few days, Red. But, be careful not to overdo it, okay? I don’t want you to get burned out from using it too often. When and if it starts to feel uncomfortable, let me know.”
I was ready to take the first step off the deck when my mind flooded with light. Luckily I had a grip on the handrail, because the surprise made me trip and almost lose my balance. “Crap!” I swore under my breath, smashing my hip against the guardrail. “Hey Red, we need to work out a system where you can let me know when you are turning on the lights. It’s a bit of a shock, like when you’re asleep in a dark room and someone flips a switch to turn a lamp on.”
“Oh, I hate when that happens,” Red sympathized, staring up at me from the backyard. “How about lights on?”
I grinned, “That works for me, buddy. Let’s see how long we can hold the connection today. And maybe a bit more talking like you suggested. I’d like for us to be able to do this whenever we needed to. If the mind vision is improving, I wonder if we are still limited by thirty feet for the mind speak? It would be nice if we could develop the ability for a farther distance from each other. David and Bastian mentioned you may be able to lay out on the balcony at the BAWHG, but we aren’t sure how far that is from our assigned table. We want to set up an area close by where I can get within hearing range, but expanding our reach may be helpful.
Red and I wandered the half-mile or so of undeveloped property to the west of the house. It seemed to me our sight and mind speak range had expanded with practice. Red was able to hold the mind speak connection at about one hundred feet. The visual connection was still a bit tricky while he was trying to talk at the same time, but we found if he could speak from a specific range, he was also able to send a clear visual from the same distance.
We would have to get Bas or David to measure the actual distance. An excuse for David to whip out his handy dandy laser measuring device. Point and click. The gadget will give the digital readout from the laser box to whatever the laser beam landed on. Did you know dogs like chasing laser lights? Ken even aimed it at the betta bowl in the kitchen and had Murphy, my fish, chasing the damn point of light for almost ten minutes before Janey snagged it out of his hand. Yep, you guessed it… she had Murphy going for another five minutes after that. Kids!
We have all agreed to not make fun of the fact that our hundred pound dog likes to chase lights across the floor. The agreement faltered somewhat when we discovered that flashlights work just as well to entertain Red. When the guys were trailing the light beam over the carpet and wall for Red’s amusement, Ken made a point of mocking him as he pounced on the lit circles.
Ever ready with a quick come back, Red sat down in front of my cook and housekeeper and cocked his neck in the head tilt that German shepherds do so well (this per Bastian, who told me what Red was doing). “So tell me, domestic servant, just who is amusing himself by pointing the light at the floor and the fish bowl? Mmm?”
“Actually, this is a good point,” Janey agreed, still laughing, after I conveyed the message.
“Laugh it up, Barbie,” Red taunted. “This is the same girl that kept herself amused for fifteen minutes yesterday with the bubble wrap she found in the trash can? Pop, pop, pop!”
I could barely talk through my laughter as I relayed the last remark. It seems we all liked doing silly things. Ken likes teasing the fish, Janey likes her bubble wrap, David likes compulsively moving the placemats on the dining room table so they all match up with the table lip, Bas likes coming up behind him and tilting one of the aforementioned placemats out of alignment… seriously, I was watching through Red at the time. David on his way to the pantry to grab a granola bar, had paused at the table to adjust a mat. When he was out of sight, Bas leapt up from his recliner and barely nudged one of the mat edges so it was maybe, maybe, a quarter inch off center. Bas returned to his seat quickly. I watched David come out of the pantry, glance over at the table (Remember that head tilt I mentioned? Apparently, computer nerds do it too), and divert his path to straighten the mat Bas just moved. Hilarious! Later that night, I made a point to tap one of the placemats slightly out of alignment. Well, I guess that explains what I do for silly entertainment.
We approached the back deck and I sank down on the lower step to relax from our walk. I told Red to go ahead and explore outside for a while; I’d just sit up in my room and unwind. I slipped my boots off and wandered up the stairs in my wool socks. Lights out. Red pulled away from my mind as I let myself in through the sliding door, there was no beeping from the alarm keypad, Bas and David must have come home while Red and I were out walking. I placed my boot
s on the shoe shelf by the back door, and hung my parka on the single coat hook David had placed alongside the shelf for my convenience. The thermal gloves were wadded up and stuffed in the pocket so I could find them right away.
I was more than content, amused in fact, listening to Red’s running commentary on cats, birds, and deer tracks as he explored the backyard. A few minutes later, the chatter went quiet as Red either got bored holding the mind link open, or he wandered out of range. Mmm, I’d have to ask him if he realized when I was no longer receiving. I wandered up the short set of steps to the upper floor bedroom, and stretched out on the window seat. I missed the view of the pond and trees that made up an oasis in the center of the yard. I arranged the pillows then leaned back to let my muscles relax.
It was perhaps twenty minutes later that I heard sounds from inside the house. Heavy boots covered the distance from the kitchen to the dining room, the later assumption confirmed when I heard the scrape of chairs pulled back from the large table.
“Damn Bas, you kicked my ass on the workout,” David said, awe combined with a hint of scolding. “I can’t believe you benched your full set of reps at two hundred pounds, and then had the balls to do a final set at two-fifty. You’re going to pull something if you don’t ease up on this punishing schedule. There’s not any room on your frame for another inch of muscle.”
“Just feelin’ restless. It’s like my skin is too small to contain me anymore.”
“You still having troubles sleeping?”
“Kinda on and off. I’ll have some sleepless nights, followed by a night when I sleep for ten hours,” Bas admitted, sounding weary.
“I worry about you, man. You gotta stop punishing your body. I never thought I’d say this, but maybe you need to go out and just get laid.” David’s suggestion was quiet, but I could still hear him clearly with the bedroom door open. Knowing David, it was a measure of his concern that he would suggest sex as a remedy for what ailed his friend.
Bastian snorted in response, “That’s rich, coming from you. You were celibate for what? Two years before you ended up with Teresa? It’s hard to believe you would write me a script for sex. For you, sex is important, it has meaning.”
“Yeah, for anyone else, I wouldn’t. But there’s an edge to you lately. It’s crazy that you say your skin is too tight, because every time I look at you, it’s as if you are going to explode from some inner stress. I can see the tension. Exercise isn’t working, Man, you’ll injure yourself at this rate.”
“David, I’m just not all that interested in sex right now.” Wow. Was that Sebastian Declan, or had aliens taken over his body? To Bas, sex was a body function like eating or taking a pee. Crass, I know, but true. “I feel like I’ve spent the month in mourning, and I just don’t want anyone else.”
Anyone else? Oh, Crap. I closed my eyes and bowed my head as the implication of that statement made my chest ache. Oh, Bas. Guilt tore its way through my heart and my throat choked up.
“Bas, you know, I love you like a brother,” David said, sadness evident in the tone of his voice. “This whole situation with you, me, and Teresa is so fucked up. It’s a no-win situation, and I feel so friggin’ guilty that you’re hurting.”
“Don’t mean to make you feel guilty, Man,” Bas replied quietly, “but yeah, situation is FUBAR as far as I’m concerned.”
“You know I never would have pursued her if it wasn’t for the fact I seriously believed you were just obsessed, not in love with her? In fact, I’m pretty sure it was just obsession six months ago, ‘cuz, face it man, you really didn’t know her. You had this picture in your head of who she was, but you hadn’t even spoken to her since she was fifteen. That fifteen year old Teresa is not the woman we both know today. ”
“True. About not speaking to her, I mean. But I think you’re wrong about the obsession. Think about it David, you fell in love with her from pictures and listening to me talk about her. Why can’t you believe that I fell deeper because of the same pictures and Janey’s letters?” There was a pause as Bas cleared his throat and probably took a swig off a water bottle he always carried with him. “I wish you had just backed off after that first month when we were both dating her. You had to have known how I felt by then. And she had begun to see me as a nice guy, not an ass.”
“Aww, Bas.” From the tone of David’s voice, I could practically see him shaking his head at his best friend. “You have had it way too easy with women, my Man. It’s the twenty-first century, dude. It wasn’t my place to bow out and let you have her. How do you think she’d feel if I gave her to you, instead of letting her make up her own mind? She’s not a door prize, you asshole. She’s an intelligent woman who makes her own choices. Am I glad she chose me? Hell yeah! But you blew it, Man. That first day? What were you thinking? First words out of your mouth were critical and just plain mean.”
“I don’t know what happened, David. One minute, I had this great speech in my head, and the next minute, my mind was blank. All I could see was her laughing as she walked to the car. Then it registered she had hacked off all her hair; it was such a shock. Her hair has been down to her ass since she was a little girl.” There was another pause, as Bas presumably took another drink of water. “Then, as soon as I said something, her smile died and her face closed up. Fuck! I knew it was my fault. I knew I should have apologized right away, but my brain stopped working.”
“Sorry, Man,” David’s voice was sympathetic. I could imagine him resting a hand on Bastian’s shoulder in commiseration. “Her tearing you a new asshole in the car pretty much opened the door for me to step in. It was clear she didn’t share your feelings. In fact, it put you firmly in the category of crazed stalker rather than serious boyfriend. If I truly believed there was some returned feelings on her part, no matter how small, I would have backed off and waited to see if you could make it work. But, Bas, you not only unbolted the door, you held it open and waved me through.”
“I just want to kick myself,” Bas admitted. “Every time I look at her, I replay that morning in my head, trying to imagine a different reaction or a changed word. I can’t believe, after waiting twelve years, I screwed it up so royally. And it doesn’t help that you’re such a fucking nice guy, either,” he accused.
“I wish there was something I could do to make it easier on you, Bas. We were a month into dating when I realized that, while it may have started out as obsession for you, it was finally starting to be love. But it was too late by then. Shit, I was so far gone, I couldn’t have pulled away if I’d wanted to. It’s the real deal for me, Man. Even if she hadn’t picked me, I’d be happy to be in the same world as her, knowing she’s somewhere breathing the same air.”
“I don’t doubt you love her David. I don’t doubt she loves you either. It’s fucking obvious every time you guys are in the same room together. I’m glad you found love and I want you to be happy. I want her to be happy too.” Even from where I sat, I could hear the heavy sigh and drawn-out exhalation of his breath. “I know I did everything wrong that morning, and messed up my chance with her. Crap, after that rant she unloaded on me, I’ve tried harder to be a guy that doesn’t reflect such an ugly image in her mind’s eye. I don’t want to be a narcissistic asshole to anyone, especially not Teresa.”
His voice sounded so sad, but I was the one who wanted to cry. It was hard to believe that he was still remembering my words, spat in anger and embarrassment, from more than five months ago. Part of my angry tirade echoed in my head, “…it’s not how you look in the mirror that's important, what's important is how you are reflected in the eyes of the people who love you. Be happy I'm not one of those people who love you, Sebastian Declan, because I find you lacking. I find your reflection to be ugly.” I squeezed my eyes closed, wishing I could take back those cruel words. I had apologized for being such a bitch, but it appears my apology was not good enough, especially if I had left him remembering such cruelty on my part. It was a wonder he could still believe he loved me. At some point, l
ater, when I could talk with him alone. I’d have to fix this.
“That was a long time ago, Bas. She lashed out after you practically backed her into a corner. She loves you, Man. You know she does. And you know she doesn’t imagine you have an ugly soul or anything.”
“Yeah, whatever,” he replied, unconvincingly. “You know I respect your relationship, right? I’d never disrespect you by putting a move on her. But, I’ll always love her, David. I can’t make that go away - and maybe, honestly, I don’t want it to. It’s nice to love and be loved by her - as her friend.” There was a longer pause - I could imagine them sipping their drinks and gathering their thoughts. “But fuck, Man, how do I not be ‘in love’ with her? I’ve tried dating again, fuck, I even slept with a couple of them. But it’s so fucking hollow - like going through the motions. When I’m done, I just want to leave so I can go home and take a shower to clean their smell off me. Crap David, when did sex start to feel dirty?”
“Damn, Bas.” It was David’s turn to sound sad. Tired. Defeated. “I have no fucking clue what to say to that. No advice on how to make this better, or ideas on how to make your pain go away. I’m in love with her too; who better than me to understand your sense of loss? I want you to be happy. I want you to find love.”
