“Masha, may I say how magnificent you look this evening. Your beauty is mesmerising.”
“I thought yous was sick,” Masha said.
“As you can observe I am fully recovered. I have a strong Kazakh constitution. Will you join me for some Russian tsai?”
“Never,” Masha replied. “Yous forget I am a married woman. We wont’s forgive yous evil scheming to ruin our village with yous gold mine plan.”
“Such folly. Imagine how much gold I would have showered on you,” Dastan taunted, reaching under his jacket.
“We’ll thank you to leave Masha alone, we don’t want your type in ‘ere,” Bald Yannis commanded. “Malaka, what’s wrong with the chainsaw?” he shouted when his trusty tool failed to rev.
“Watch out Yanni, I think he ‘as a gun in his pocket,” Tall Thomas hissed.
“Gentlemen, ladies, don’t let me spoil your evening,” Dastan said with a supercilious smile, taking a corner seat with a view of the room.
“We’ll come and join yous,” Mel said to Bald Yannis, ushering Evangelia into the seat next to Masha. Speaking quietly so the Kazakh couldn’t eavesdrop, Mel said, “It turns out his bodyguard wasn’t a bodyguard after all. He was his personal hairdresser; talk about vain. When Dastan was stuck with his head down the toilet the hairdresser took advantage to defect. Pancratius ‘as done something very hush hush with ‘im, ‘appen the authorities ‘ope the hairdresser will reveal if Dastan really is part of the mafia an’ if he has any nefarious secrets. Apparently he’s a wife beater.”
“Oh that’s a relief,” Masha exhaled. Seeing the confused expressions her comment elicited she explained, “I ‘ad a feeling’ he wanted to spirit me back to Kazakhstan with ‘im, but if he’s a wife beater it means he’s already married so is hardly likely to want to take me ‘ome with after all. ‘Ow would he explain me away to his wife?”
The others nodded sagely at the wisdom of Masha’s logic and decided to try to ignore the ominous and possibly gun-toting figure across the room. The mood was lightened by the arrival of Hamish and Fenella rushing over to say their goodbyes to Toothless Tasos and Thea.
“Well, we’re all packed and ready for the off. We had such a wonderful time and that little bout of food poisoning hasn’t put us off your wonderful country,” Fenella gushed.
“Och aye, it’s all been grand in Greece,” Hamish bellowed. “We’ll be back for sure. Maybe in the autumn to avoid the crazy heat of summer, Fenella can be a bit sensitive to extreme temperatures.”
“’Ere, take some of this ‘Granny’s Traditional Greek Cure All’ just in case yous ‘ave any more troubles with yous dicky tummies,” Nitsa said, handing over a yogurt tub of green gunk.
“Oh, that is so kind of you,” Fenella beamed.
“That will be fifteen Euros,” Nitsa demanded.
The Scottish couple had only just left in a flurry of cheery goodbyes when Prosperous Pedros grabbed the television remote to increase the volume on a breaking news item. The local news presenter from Paraliakos studio appeared on the screen, announcing:
“Breaking news has just come in concerning a terrible case of animal cruelty. Late this afternoon a donkey was discovered on Paraliakos beach, abused by its exploitive owner and forced to give rides to overweight tourists. Here is some distressing footage our news team captured earlier.”
The camera panned in on a mournful looking Onos struggling along the beach, weighted down by an obese red-faced Brit wearing a Union Jack polyester tee shirt and a ‘Kiss Me Quick’ hat.
“That’s Onos. The poor donkey can’t take that weight, she’s pregnant,” Masha shouted at the television screen. “Come on, come on; show the slime ball what stole the donkey.”
The camera zoomed in on a camera shy man being led off the beach in handcuffs, desperately attempting to disguise his identity by holding an olive sack over his head.
The news presenter continued, “The criminal caught exploiting the donkey will face serious charges in light of the new laws on animal cruelty. It is not known how long he has been abusing the donkey, but today was the first time concerned locals reported having witnessed donkey rides on the beach. Our local reporter on the scene interviewed this English couple who first raised the alarm.
“Hello yes, I’m here now with British ex-pats Bill and Barbara. Bill, can you tell me what happened?”
“Yes, well, I saw this poor donkey being forced to give rides and I said to Barbara what on earth is going on, some oik is trying to turn the place into Blackpool. So we called the authorities and now the local donkey sanctuary has sent someone to take the poor abused donkey and look after it.”
“And we’ve signed up for volunteer work at the donkey sanctuary,” Barbara butted in, eager to have her face on camera.
As the news faded to another story Masha said, “We ‘ave to go the donkey sanctuary tomorrow and get Onos back. I’ll explain my amnesiac husband lost her and can’t live without her.”
“Well at least you can rest assured the donkey is in good ‘ands tonight,” Evangelia said.
“Pedro, yous will come with yous pick-up to bring ‘er ‘ome tomorrow?” Masha reminded him. “I’ll be up at the hospital with Vasilis all day.”
“I ‘ave fishin’ tomorrow, but I will pick yous up outside the ‘ospital at five sharp an’ we’ll drive to the donkey sanctuary to fetch Onos home,” Pedros promised the Russian, unaware the scheming Kazakh was synchronizing his watch for the dot of five the next afternoon.
“Shush, there’s another breaking news story,” Tall Thomas shouted.
Everyone was glued to the screen as the gripping tale of an American serial killer known as Marvin the Mincer unfolded. Reports from the FBI revealed the psychotic murderer, who had a predilection for chopping up his victims, mincing them into pies and slicing their hair off to stuff into embroidered pillows, had amazingly managed to tunnel out of his death row cell and escape the impenetrable prison. The FBI agents on his tail had uncovered evidence to show Marvin the Mincer had developed an obsession with the famous Greek television weather girl Masha and was attempting to flee the country in pursuit of his next victim. The reports reiterated there was no evidence ‘the Mincer’ had managed to leave American soil, but Greek police had been warned to be vigilant of any sightings of a one-armed man armed with a pair of scissors.
Mel squeezed Evangelia’s hand sympathetically, knowing she was feeling guilty but seeing no reason to allow her to shoulder the blame for first bringing Masha to the Mincer’s attention when she was already so famous and easily discoverable by random serial killers.
“I didn’t know he was a one-armed bandit,” Mel whispered to Evangelia.
“Oh yes, I’d say it was poetic justice. He got one of his victim’s legs wedged in the mincing machine and when he stuck his arm in to release it the machine shredded it,” she whispered back.
“Fancy yous being famous over in America,” Yiota said, impressed one of their own had attained international stardom.
“Is yous a bit scared after ‘earing a serial killer is obsessed with yous?” Soula asked, putting a reassuring arm round her friend’s shoulder.
“Po po, I’m more worried about that creepy Kazakh ‘anging around than someone on the other side of the world. Dastan ‘asn’t stopped staring at me all night with ‘is evil eyes.”
“Stay at ours tonight,” Soula invited. “Yannis ‘as chainsaws all over the house so yous will be safe.”
Bald Yannis seconded Soula’s invitation, adding “Pancratius is expecting some armed police from Athens tomorrow. If the Kazakh is still ‘anging round they’ll arrest him for industrial bribery. Pancratius thinks it will be too dangerous to try an’ arrest the malaka without reinforcements.”
“Yous is good friends,” Masha smiled in relief, amazed to think she would ever consider Bald Yannis a benevolent protector.
Mel and Evangelia rejoined the two old crones; with Evangelia trying to hide her annoyance that her romantic first date had been ga
tecrashed, but not faulting Mel’s loyalty to his possibly long lost relatives who had welcomed him into their home. In no time at all Nitsa had roped Tall Thomas into helping his aunty out with the new business venture by agreeing to allow his mobile refrigerated fish van to become part of the distribution network, alongside Nitsa’s old Mercedes taxi, for ‘Granny’s Traditional Greek Cure All.’ Business plans were hammered out with some lively brain-storming and it was decided Fotini would be in charge of production in her kitchen, with Hattie responsible for picking and scrounging the essential ingredients.
“If we crank up production I might need a bit of yous spit Nitsa, there’s only so much in me and I ‘ave to save some in case there’s any weddings comin’ up,” Fotini cackled.
Deirdre, delighted that for the first time in days the warts on her feet weren’t giving her gyp, was happy to extol the wonders of ‘Granny’s Traditional Cure All’ to the other taverna goers. Thea and Soula, who had both been suffering with warts ever since enjoying their free fish pedicure at the beauty parlour, eagerly purchased some of the exorbitantly priced cure from Nitsa. Soula, who had passed her contagious warts to her husband, easily persuaded Bald Yannis, “We really should sell this in the hardware shop when it goes into full production.”
The sudden entrance of Pancratius the village policeman prompted Bald Yannis to speculate, “’Appen he’s come for the dastardly Dastan without waitin’ for the armed police back-up. It could be a risky move.”
Everyone was shocked and deflated when instead of heading over to the universally loathed Kazakh, Pancratius zoomed in on Toothless Tasos, brandishing his handcuffs and apologetically saying “I’m sorry it has come to this Taso, but the vindictive prosecutor is insistent I take you into custody for faking your own death. If he had his way he’d give you the death penalty, just be glad we don’t have the electric chair in Greece. Sorry, I have no choice but to deliver you to Paraliakos prison.”
Toothless Tasos and Thea exchanged tearful glances, meekly accepting Tasos’ fate without creating a scene, having previously prepared themselves for this moment.
“Shame on yous Pancratiu for doin’ that malaka’s bidding,” Prosperous Pedros shouted. “An’ to do it in a public place rather than arresting ‘im quietly, to save ‘is dignity.”
“It is better it is done ‘ere so yous can all witness this terrible miscarriage of justice,” Thea cried, adding, “Pedro, see if yous can get ‘old of Slick Socrates on ‘is phone. Tasos should ‘ave ‘is lawyer present.”
Sofia, bored rigid by spending the evening in a taverna with a very dodgy Wi-Fi connection, suddenly perked up, asking the policeman “Are you really arresting old Toothless?” She immediately began posing for selfies of herself with the handcuffed Tasos and posting the pictures on social media.
“Socrates is up at the ‘ospital with Stavroula. He says he will meet yous at the prison,” Prosperous Pedros piped up as Pancratius led Toothless Tasos away after he and Thea shared a final frantic embrace.
“I don’t know ‘ow I am going to cope without Tasos,” Thea lamented. “I’ve really grown very attached to him.”
“You’ve got me Nona,” Sofia assured her, planting a kiss on Thea’s cheek.
“It will be a great comfort to me ‘aving yous and the cat at home,” Thea agreed.
“Tomorrow I will bake Tasos a cake with a file inside it,” Fotini generously offered.
“’Ave yous forgotten ‘ow I broke a tooth when you baked me a prison cake with an ‘idden file?” Nitsa reminded her.
“But old Toothless ‘as false teeth,” Fotini pointed out.
“I thought yous lost yous tooth when the evil prosecutor punched yous in the mouth, Aunty,” Tall Thomas said, confused by this conflicting new information.
“Thoma, I was stretched limb to limb and hung from a hook in the prison dungeon,” Nitsa insisted. “Can yous blame me for exaggerating what ‘appened to my tooth when I ‘ad all that torture to put up with?”
“Gosh, you are so brave to have suffered such brutality yet retain such a positive attitude,” Sofia gushed. “We really must arrange a night out to go clubbing; you’d be a big hit in that shimmering silver Lurex jumpsuit.”
“Po po, she looks farcical in my cast-offs and copying my hair extensions is a joke,” Masha sneered. “Yous really ‘ave to stop pilfering my rubbish, old woman.”
“Wait till yous is old an’ ‘ave to make do on a meagre Greek pension,” Nitsa fired back. “Yous will be glad of Sofia’s old cast-offs by then.”
“If yous ‘ave money for exorbitantly priced fake hair then yous ‘ave the money to shop at the ‘ardware shop for hideous old lady dresses like all the other old crones,” Masha scoffed.
Nitsa protested “I’m a very young eighty-two an’ if I want to grow old disgracefully I will.”
Their argument was interrupted by Takis shushing everyone as another breaking news story was unfolding on the television. The local news presenter from Paraliakos studio appeared on the screen, announcing:
“News is just breaking of a botched escape attempt from Paraliakos prison. Over now to our man on the ground, who has all the latest. What can you tell us?”
“Well this has to be one of the most extraordinary prison breaks we have ever reported on, involving a group of hardened old age pensioners. It seems two prisoners have actually managed to make their getaway via a daring escape when a helicopter briefly landed in the prison grounds. The successful escapees are two senior citizens who were sentenced for tax evasion after failing to declare the income from their sales of home grown vegetables. A third convict, imprisoned for defrauding the state of his dead sister’s unmarried woman’s pension, lost his grip on the rope ladder dangling from the hovering helicopter and is sprawled out on the prison yard after falling from a great height. Our camera team managed to capture the moment the prisoners made their bold escape attempt.”
Footage was played showing three geriatric convicts hobbling briskly towards a helicopter. As the first two men reached the flying machine footage appeared to show someone inside the helicopter trying to push the two men away and then reluctantly helping them on board as the shrill noise of the prison alarm suddenly sounded. The helicopter then took off with the third convict on the ground desperately grabbing the end of the rope ladder and attempting to climb. The camera panned in to show the man losing his precarious hold on the rope ladder, falling and landing with a bone crushing smack in the concrete prison yard. The pensive silence of the taverna was shattered with an ear-piercing wail as Soula screamed “Father.”
Chapter 36
Just for Show
The kafenion was packed first thing the next morning as the villagers gathered round Bald Yannis to hear what had transpired after he’d whisked Soula away when the news broke about her father’s botched prison escape.
“Yous know I picked a good wife in Soula, the best. As we sped up to Paraliakos last night her main concern was that her father’s actions would bring disgrace on my good name. I kept telling ‘er she’s not responsible for the miserable malaka’s doings.”
Bald Yannis explained the prison break had been meticulously organised by some dangerous convicts who’d been caught brewing illicit prison hooch and thrown into the punishment block just before the helicopter had been due to land and spirit them away to freedom. When the helicopter arrived the only people in the prison yard were three old cons on gardening duty who’d decided to take this unexpected opportunity to leg it, even though those facilitating the escape inside the helicopter were dead set against them hopping onboard.
“The two tax evaders were chucked out over the sea and rescued by fishing boat. They are back in prison already. Soula’s father was dead as soon as he hit the concrete with a splat.”
“How dreadful for Soula, is she okay?” Iraklis asked.
“Just a bit shocked. He was a tyrannical an’ brutal father, not deservin’ of ‘er tears. He was a bad ‘un who treated them four daughters of ‘is no
better than slaves. It was ‘im stashing his dead sister’s body in the deep freeze that sent Soula’s sister Koula crazy,” Bald Yannis explained. “‘Appen it will be a relief to Soula’s sisters Toula an’ Voula that the miserable old sod won’t be returning to that desolate old farmhouse up in the high mountain village of Osta.”
“Soula did confide in me that ‘er father treated ‘er orribly. Should I call in on ‘er before I go to the ‘ospital Yanni?” mail order Masha asked. She’d spent the night with Gorgeous Yiorgos and Petula, afraid to be home alone with the dastardly Dastan still in the village.
“No, Soula’s ‘aving a bit of a sleep now, she needs it, after all she’s sleeping for three with twins on the way. I left her tucked up with Agapimeni. I’ll pop ‘ome to check on ‘er in a bit,” Bald Yannis said fondly, thinking he would call in the supermarket and treat her to a nice box of chocolates as women seemed to like that sort of thing.
Thea let out a gasp of surprise as Slick Socrates suddenly drove up with Tasos. “Taso, what ‘appened?” she screamed as her weary fiancé stepped out of the car and threw his arms around her.
“Get us both a strong coffee and a couple of rakis, it’s been a long night,” Socrates said. The two men grabbed seats at the kafenion and Socrates explained what had happened.
“When I met Pancratius and Tasos at the prison last night the place was in uproar with the prisoners rioting after the cons that arranged the escape were thwarted in their chance to break out. The prison guards refused to let Tasos in because of the riot, even though the vile prosecutor was adamant he still had to be locked up. In the end I managed to get him released on an ankle monitor.”
“Bravo,” everyone applauded, happy to have Tasos back in their midst.
“Of course the ankle monitor is just for show as the authorities haven’t got a clue how to wire it up, but at least it got the prosecutor off his back because he’s clueless it doesn’t work,” Slick Socrates laughed with a knowing wink.
Greek Capers Page 17
