by Voss, Deja
“That guy, his company, we don’t know. Better safe than sorry. We haven’t seen anything like this in over ten years. All this red room deep web snuff film shit went away a long time ago thanks to programs we enacted. We don’t need to see it becoming a thing again.”
I nodded. I knew this job was extremely important, otherwise, Omar wouldn’t be wasting the time and resources on it.
“I guess I should go back to my place and start prepping,” I said.
He pulled something black and bulky out from his desk drawer and set it in front of me. I’d only seen these on TV before. “We’re going to have to do this today so it heals in time,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“Woah woah,” I said, raising my hands. Anytime I’d had to have tattoos undercover they were temporary. It was amazing how real they looked. “Can’t I just use make up?”
He flipped open the binder to a picture of Sabine, the her round ass split with the fabric of a skimpy g-string. A cluster of birthmarks that looked kind of like the little dipper were scattered across her right cheek. It was kind of cute. Kind of charming. As if her butt was made to be a star, or at least covered in them. “Temps aren’t going to work, your clothes will rub them off. You think you can freehand that with make-up every day?”
I reached behind me, trying to figure out the logistics of trying to draw that on my butt, reality hitting me that there was a good chance that people very well may see my butt. People very well may be close enough to my butt to extrapolate the birthmarks on it. I should’ve walked out the door right then and there. I might have put myself in danger for missions I’d taken on in the past, but this whole deal like me laying my body out on a serving platter for the taking. Nobody in this world had ever seen my sexual side like Landon. Nobody in this world had known my darkest fantasies. Was I throwing myself to the wolves?
“I guess just do it,” I said. How bad could it hurt? If I changed my mind, it wasn’t like anyone was ever going to see it. At least not on a daily basis. If it hurt too bad, that would be my sign. I’d decline the mission and try and figure out what my next move was.
I knew it wasn’t going to hurt though. If I learned anything in my training for the agency, it was that nothing could hurt me. Nobody could hurt me but Landon. I thought about what he would say if he heard about this mission. He wouldn’t like it one bit, but he never did. He’d try to find a way to talk me out of it, try to tempt me with his love, with his pollyanna ideas, we both had enough money to comfortably retire and never have to work another day in our lives, and to him that sounded like freedom.
To me, it sounded like my wings being clipped.
The tattoo gun made a grinding sound, like a dentist’s drill aimed straight for my ass.
“You sure you know what you’re doing, boss?” I asked. Omar was a man of many skills, but this wasn’t one that I’d ever seen him put to use. He snapped on a pair of gloves and started setting up a little make-shift station. He had alcohol wipes and fresh needles, and a little one time use pouch of brownish ink.
“You know, all the times I pictured you bending me over this desk, it wasn’t so you could jam a needle in my ass,” I said, trying to make light of the situation. He didn’t find it amusing. He didn’t find anything amusing.
I pulled my jeans down and he dabbed me with the alcohol swab. It felt cold and clinical. Exactly how it should. This was work. This wasn’t me. As would be in the mission up ahead. I wasn’t Sabine or whoever the hell else I was supposed to be this time around. I’d sacrificed my body before for a mission. This was no different.
The tattoo machine punched away at my skin, and my knees wobbled. Not too bad. Maybe someday when I got out of this life, I’d get some more. Something pretty. Something fancy. Something other than a cluster of birthmarks.
He smeared Vasoline on my skin and covered it up with some plastic wrap. “When you go home take this off. Let it air dry. Keep it clean. Maybe no jeans for a couple days. If it starts getting irritated let me know.”
I pulled my pants back up as he cleaned up the desk, double bagging everything before putting it in a hazmat bin. He shook my hand and stared me dead in the eye.
“I don’t like this one bit,” he said.
“Thanks, dad,” I said, mocking him.
“No funny business. Stick to the script. If you feel yourself in a dangerous position at any time, you find a way to call us in. No questions asked.”
“Sir, I know. it’s going to be alright, okay?” It wasn’t often that he gave any of us a disclaimer like that. Maybe it was the adrenaline rush from my new tattoo, but I was personally pumped to get home and start studying.
“I’ll set up the meetings. Expect a call in the morning.”
“I suppose I’ll be at the hotel airing my ass out and watching porn,” I teased.
“Sage,” he called after me, his tone more serious than usual, “do you think maybe we should have a discussion about your contract before we move forward? You’re not a young woman anymore. You can one hundred percent get out of this right now, no harm, no foul. Your retirement fund is ample. Your severance package is great. We will pay for you to go to college if you so desire, anything you want.”
“If this has anything to do with Landon getting out, you can stop right there, Omar. I’ve already proven I can handle myself quite fine without him.” My hands balled up into fists. I wasn’t going to let him pin my whole career on somebody I used to work with.
“The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, Sage. You have always been perfectly adequate on your own. I just don’t know know how to say this in a professional manner. You’re not a spring chicken anymore. You might be in excellent shape, but your body takes longer to recover the older you get. Broken bone or common cold, it’s just the way life works.”
I laughed in his face. It was better than spitting in his face, better than punching him in his face, better than telling him to get fucked. “I’m barely forty, Omar.”
“What about kids? Don’t you want to have kids some day?”
“I hope you’re just trying to get me psyched up for this mission, and you aren’t actually being serious, because you’re the one who trained me in krav maga, and I’m not afraid to use that on you. What are you, pushing sixty now? You know, the older you get, the longer it takes you to recover,” I taunted. “Shove your ageist sexist bullshit right up your asshole, Omar.”
He winked at me and it took everything in me not to throw him through the wall. “Just making sure you were still with us.”
“Til the day I die, probably,” I muttered. I wasn’t a defector like Landon. I didn’t need to live free. This was my freedom. Defending my country, and saving poor women from suffering the fate I’d just witnessed on that video was my freedom. I didn’t know how to do anything else. I didn’t want to have to decide what to do with my life. Following orders is what made me feel safe, even if those orders meant getting involved in one of the sketchiest and most dangerous operations I’d ever experienced.
“Go air your ass out and watch some porn,” he called after me.
“Yeah yeah,” I said, throwing up my middle finger.
I really was that easy. All he had to do was call out my loyalty and I turned into a maniac. It’s what I was trained to do. It was the only thing I knew. Like it or not, this was the woman I’d become, and the woman I’d always be.
Chapter Six
Law:
“Woo!” she shouted as she took off her helmet and shook out her mane of long blonde hair. “That was a rush, Law!” We were standing in the parking lot of Paesano’s Pizza Shop, waiting for Tressica and Colt to meet up with us. It was the first time I had Dana on the back of my bike, and as soon as she hopped off she was hobbling around like her legs were broken. She was pretty. She was cute. She was wearing these leather pants that looked like somebody painted them on her body, and I wondered if she bought them for me. Dana the librarian didn’t seem like the kind of chick who had leather pants in her closet.
I probably should’ve been flattered she was trying to impress me. Probably should’ve felt a lot of ways about this girl, but I just couldn’t bring myself to, even though I was trying my ass off.
She seemed like the kind of chick who wanted to settle down and start a family. She hadn’t outright said it, but things between us were moving a lot faster than I wanted. She had a toothbrush at my house, and we were spending more nights together than we were apart. I never outright called her my old lady, but everybody in the MC was acting like it was already a thing. I’d put off taking her on my bike for this long for that reason alone. I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea. It was bad enough I’d let things go this far.
“There they are!” she shouted, waving her arms as Colt and Tressica pulled in, as if we didn’t stand out like a sore thumb in the parking lot of this strip mall.
I lit up a cigarette and started sucking it down and she ran over to greet her friend.
“She got an ass on her, that’s for sure,” Colt said, walking up to me, staring at Dana’s behind in those tight black pants.
“Yeah, yeah,” I said dismissively. Her body was glorious. Her skin was soft. She loved going down on me more than anything in the world. Told me that about a million times in the month and half we’d been seeing each other. After we fucked she’d make me a sandwich and sleep on the couch. “Are we going to go in or what?”
“Somebody’s fucking moody,” he taunted. “I don’t like this double dating shit as much as the next guy, but damn, least you can fucking pretend. For your woman. For dealing with your bullshit.”
“I don’t think my bullshit even begins to hold a candle to yours, brother,” I said, rolling my eyes. Between presidential duties and the fact that he has a wife named Zelda who is about as unhinged as they came, I worried about Tressica’s rationale for wanting to be with him. She deserved some kind of award for sainthood. “Sorry, I’m just hungry, I guess.”
I wasn’t hungry. I was just angry. That’d become the new norm for me since the day I left the agency. I thought starting my life over, fresh slate, with the club was going to be the best decision I ever made. Things were good, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed focusing on the MC, the dumpster business, the brotherhood, fixing up my little farmhouse and hanging out with dogs. I had a hot girlfriend thanks to Tressica. I had my bike, my freedom, my white picket fence. Life was a lot easier knowing I didn’t have to worry about getting a phone call any day asking me to come back to work. Asking me to fulfill my contract. Putting my club at danger just for a paycheck.
I should’ve been the happiest fucking guy on earth. Instead, there was a war brewing inside of me, and I was afraid any day now, I was going to explode.
“Do they have good pasta here? I hope they have good pasta here,” Dana rambled on. “Do you think they make their own salad dressings?” I just smiled at her, wrapping my arm around her waist, grabbing her hip and squeezing her, trying to remind herself she was mine. She was what I wanted, what I had asked for. Trying to feel as into her as she was into me. Trying not to compare her to Sage. Wasn’t fair to her. As mad as I was, I needed to put on a happy face and get on with my life.
“I don’t know, babe. I usually just stick to the pizza. We can get whatever you want, though.” The four of us walked into the restaurant together. The hostess looked like she was shaking in her boots as she tried to gather up menus for us. I didn’t think we looked like particularly menacing guys, but I guess the leather cuts had that effect on people who didn’t know any better.
“I want to sit over there,” Colt said, pointing to the table right by the front door. Ever since the incident when his old man and crew got rampaged while they were in the back room of a strip club, he’d always been pretty adamant about always sitting near the nearest exit. Never with his back facing a door.
“Uhh,” the waitress stammered, stopping in her tracks.
“What is it child?” he asked. “You worried we’re gonna scare off the customers? I promise we’ll be good.” His chuckle was menacing, but the young hostess just shook her head and motioned over her shoulder to the row of booths behind her. Directly on the other side of the wall sat a group of guys all in blue and white. One had a 13 tattooed on the back of his head. “Who them? Girl, I’m offended. We’re a club. I’m just trying to take my old lady out on a nice quiet date and eat some fucking pizza. We don’t have any beef. That’s all you need to know.”
We didn’t mess with any of the local gangs, but drugs weren’t something we fucked with. I guess it was easy for a layman to not get the intricate differences between the two of us. This girl was probably just trying to follow her boss’ orders. It was to be expected.
What I didn’t expect was the way that Dana turned and bolted out the front door without saying a word. I didn’t even realized she’d walked away until I heard the bell on the front door jingle, and before I could catch up with her, she was already standing next to my bike with her helmet on.
“Dana, what’s wrong, babe?” I asked. “Is it Colt? He can be a little much. I’m sure that girl is fine.”
“We gotta get out of here,” she said.
“Why? You were the one who picked the place. You were the one who wanted to go on this date to begin with. What’s your deal?”
“Please, Law, just take me home.” She was standing behind me, like she was trying to hide from something, crouching down low, her eyes trained on the front door. When Tressica and Colt came walking out, she dug her fingernails into my hand so hard I yelped.
“Where you guys going? I’m fucking hungry,” Tressica whined.
“I guess home?” I said with a shrug. Something wasn’t right here. I knew well enough that she wasn’t freaking out because she saw a cockroach on the floor or something. Something about those gang thugs had her unsettled.
“Now,” Dana commanded. “Please.”
I threw my arms in the air and straddled my bike. “I’ll call you in a little,” I said to Colt. “Bring me back some leftovers.”
That woman was clinging to my back like she wanted to rip me open and crawl inside of me if she could. I was sensing sheer terror. I was sensing that maybe little Dana the librarian wasn’t exactly who I thought she was. She knew those guys, and she knew them well enough to not want to be seen in public with us when they were around. The real question was, why? Was she trying to protect us, or was she trying to protect herself? Rage flowed through my veins as I navigated the stretch of country road that lead to her house. I was careful as always, but it was hard to concentrate. If I learned anything in my time at the agency, it was always assume the worst.
I pulled into her driveway and she hopped off the bike, staring at me as I sat there and let it idle. “Are you coming in?”
“I don’t know, Dana. As much as I’m curious about what the hell that scene at the restaurant was all about, I don’t know if I can trust you. Should I come in?”
“Please,” she pleaded. “It’s my ex. We only dated for a few weeks. I got tangled up in some shit I shouldn’t have, and I should’ve told you about it sooner. I know it sounds crazy, but I just didn’t want him to find out and cause drama. I mean you and I are just having fun, right? I didn’t think you needed to know about my whole history.”
I was a little confused. A little offended. A little relieved? “We’re just having fun?” I asked.
Her face scrunched up. “Law, you’re great and all, don’t get me wrong. I like spending time with you. I just…” she walked over to the bike and took off her helmet, handing it to me. “You’re not really my type.”
“And Mr. MS-13 gang banger is?” I asked. I was getting my free pass here. I wasn’t going to have to break up with her because according to her, we weren’t together, but for some reason, this shit kind of hurt.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “I know you don’t really like me, Law. I don’t know who Sage is, but the reason I always want to sleep on the couch is because you won’t stop goin
g on about her in your sleep. I played along a couple of times, but obviously you are working through some things, and I don’t know if I can help you with that. I’m not exactly the strongest woman.”
“I talk in my sleep?” I asked. This was the first I was hearing this. Scared me a little. It was probably a really good thing I got out of the agency when I did. If I was talking in my sleep I could’ve put a lot of people at risk. I could’ve blown my cover and not even known it.
“Can we just slow it down a little? Just go back to hanging out sometimes and having fun?”
“Depends,” I said with a grunt. “You seeing anybody else? I don’t want to end up getting shanked just because some other dude is jealous.”
“Law, I swear that was a phase. You know the day I actually do settle down it’ll probably be with a cop. Or some guy in the military. Somebody perfectly boring and predictable. Right now, I like this though. I like us. No pressure.”
I laughed at the irony. If only she knew my history. Technically I had been a cop. I was retired from the military. If we were just having fun, that was none of her business, though.
“I’m gonna go,” I said. “Call me when you feel like it.” I gave her a weak little wave and started down the road. I was losing my mind. Losing my edge. I had always been the best judge of character. I could always pick up on what people were saying even when they weren’t talking, and here I was getting dumped out of nowhere. My time away from the agency was turning me soft, and I didn’t like it. Was it too late for me to get back in?
I looked down at my knuckles and tried to force the image of Sage out of my mind so I could finally live free. Where was she right now? Why wasn’t I there by her side? I did what I did to protect my club and live the life I always wanted, and now I couldn’t even do that, my brain all over the place.
