by Voss, Deja
“What’s wrong, hun?” Fawn asked. “That weed hit ya pretty hard?”
“No, no,” I said, forgetting I’d even taken a hit. My body was so immune to anything besides impending danger and pain. “I just haven’t spent a lot of time with bikers. I get nervous around new people sometimes.”
“Oh love, bikers are the best. Back when I was just dancing I would always jump on the chance to do biker parties. They might look tough, but those men are some of the most respectful guys I’ve ever had the pleasure to dance for. They’d do anything to make sure we were safe all the time.”
That’s exactly what I was afraid of. I knew I was playing with fire here. I knew Law wouldn’t blow my cover, but what would he do instead? I didn’t want him to get hurt because of me. I loved him too much to put him in this position.
He had his chance to join you, I reminded myself. He had no reason to retire other than the fact that he felt like it. He abandoned you. He abandoned whatever it was you had.
I took a deep breath and made sure my high heels were strapped on tight. I needed whatever superpowers I had in me to keep my composure. Maybe he wouldn’t even be here tonight.
We barely got in the front door of the house before we were surrounded by a group of guys in black leather vests. For an instant, I forgot that I was amongst celebrities. These girls were famous in the porn industry, and I supposed I was too. I had to start acting like it. As Kevin went down the line and introduced us, I could literally feel the eyeballs on my body. Landon wasn’t standing in the group, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t here. I just did my best to stay in the present moment, and I was thankful my mask covered the blush on my face.
“I can’t believe it’s actually you,” the youngest of the bunch said as Kevin introduced me. He had a patch on his vest that said ‘prospect,’ which I assumed meant he was some sort of grunt for the crew. “I have been a fan for so long.”
“Darling, you are barely old enough to watch my work,” I said, stroking my hand down the side of his face. I could feel his skin grow flushed, and I felt that little tickle of power down my spine. It was working. My cover was working. “I’m very flattered.”
That’s when I caught a glimpse of the man I was dying to see, but hoping I wouldn’t. He was standing on the other side of the room, a woman by his side who looked like she had no business being here. My heart simultaneously rejoiced and shattered. He had taken my advice and found himself a good woman by the looks of it. The way she was talking to him, you would’ve thought he was a god to her, the only man in the entire room. He didn’t appear to feel the same by the way he was squirming away. It was very confusing. Very unlike him. Landon wasn’t the kind of guy who sent mixed signals. No matter what he did, he was all in.
“Show him how flattered you are, Sabine,” Kevin spoke in my ear. He had that shit eating grin on his face that made my stomach lurch. When I was in street clothes, I was treated like a business partner. Dressed like this, though, when everyone thought I was truly Sabine Steel, I was to act like his slave, to bow at his whim. He promised me no funny business, promised me I would be treated like the high value star I was, but now that we were in public, I realized I shouldn’t have trusted him.
“Yes sir,” I whispered, the words feeling mangled coming out of my throat. I nervously dropped to my knees, trying to keep a smile on my face. The whoops from the other guys must have grabbed Landon’s attention because at that moment I locked eyes with him from across the room.
“Kiss his boot,” Kevin urged. “Do it nicely.”
I gulped, completely humiliated by the idea of kissing this man’s boot. Not because it was caked in mud. Not because I was dressed like a pornstar with a group of strange men watching me. Not because I was following Kevin’s commands. All that could be compartmentalized for the sake of the mission.
I was completely humiliated by the fact that Landon saw me, he knew me, and he was about to witness a new level of degradation on my behalf. Not only that, but so was his girlfriend.
I blinked up at the kid, and he looked confused.
“Go on,” Kevin urged.
You are not Sage. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Do your fucking job.
Chapter Thirteen
Fifteen years ago:
Sage:
“I can’t do it,” he muttered, holding the key with quivering hands.
“Fucking do it,” I wailed. We’d been awake for thirty hours straight. Aside from a couple sips of water, my stomach was empty. My mouth was dry. I was covered in sweat, caked in mud, my clothes dripping wet. The objective of training for the agency was to break us. Torture us. Push us to the brink of exhaustion both physically and mentally. We were both on the verge. Him, moreso than me, I was afraid. The only thing breaking down on me was my body. This last part of the mission was completely wrecking his mind.
Over the course of the last day, we’d been pumped full of drugs of unknown origin. Our ‘captors’ tried to convince us they were deadly, and the only way to get the anecdote was to blow our cover. That was baby shit compared to what was going on right now. A primer, if you will.
“What if this is all fake?” he asked. “What if this is just some sick fuck who gets off on torturing people?”
“You saw the paperwork. You talked to General O’Bryan. Don’t let them get in your head, Landon. Put the key in the fucking lock right now.” It really did feel like we were in one of those creepy torture movies. Spare your life by severely hurting another person, blood, guts, gore, all that good stuff, but I knew better. I knew we were way too valuable to the agency for them to take this a step too far.
He knew it too.
He was just too good of a man to hurt me. In the time I’d known him, I discovered that there wasn’t anything you could do to this man to upset him, rattle him, break him. He had that hard exterior of a soldier marching toward the greater good at all times. He was brave. He was even tempered. He was the picture of perfection both in mind and body, and I found myself more attracted to him every minute we spent together.
Didn’t mean I wanted to spend another minute here with him, at least not under these circumstances.
The only thing that could break this man was me. The agency knew it all along. Seeing me in danger sent him to a level of rage I didn’t know he was capable of. He was extremely protective and I knew he’d jump in front of a bullet to save my life, even though I certainly didn’t deserve it. Maybe he was like this towards all women. I could see that. Everything about him oozed good. I shouldn’t take it so personally, and yet…
“Sage, I’m not doing this,” he said. He could barely look me in the eye. I was tied to a chair, a shock collar around my neck. All he had to do was unlock the shackles around my wrists and ankles. Easy peasy. We could walk out of this room and go about our normal lives.
Unfortunately, for me at least, every time he put that key in a lock, we were told the shock collar would go off, an undisclosed amount of voltage going right to my neck. It was going to hurt, I’d already accepted that. I might black out. I might even have a heart attack. Not likely, but that’s always a risk one ran when it came to electricity and human flesh.
He couldn’t bring himself to do it. The pained look on his face as he hovered over me, his fingers trembling, it was as if he genuinely cared about me. Maybe that was just the drugs talking. Or the sleep deprivation. It would’ve been endearing if the circumstances were even slightly different.
“I just don’t see the point,” he said, his voice low. We knew we were being watched, being recorded at all times. I had no idea what would happen if we didn’t pass these tests, but the prospect frightened me. We were working with a government agency who could easily make the two of us disappear, especially after everything we’d witnessed. “What’s the fucking point?”
“The point is, sometimes you have to sacrifice what you think is right so you don’t blow your cover. My comfort and my safety is not worth destroying a whole mission. Until you get t
hat out of your head, you’re never going to be able to truly protect me. I’ll never be able to trust you if you treat me like I’m some fragile object. I can’t work with someone who doesn’t respect my capabilities. I’m not just some dainty little thing.” I couldn’t tell if I was getting through to him. As much as I was trying to build his confidence up, I needed to hear these words for myself.
I wasn’t just some dainty little thing. I never had that luxury. I was always ‘different’ than everyone I knew. Growing up I was a really lonely girl. My parents pawned me off on my grandma, and that didn’t help at all because it allowed me to go deeper into my shell, holed up in her old farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere. I spent most of my time isolated, either reading books or working out so hard I could barely move. Pain was my language. It was the only way I felt alive. People didn’t do it for me. Proms, football, boys, none of that did it for me. This opportunity, though, for the first time in my life I felt like I was on the right path. I felt worthy in this world, even strapped to a chair with electrodes on my neck, waiting to bite.
“Don’t ruin this for me, Landon,” I said, realizing that my face was wet with tears. Maybe it was the exhaustion and the lack of food. Maybe it was the fact that strapped to this chair, I realized what a selfish monster I was.
He was a good man and I was asking him to do something terrible to serve myself. I knew if the tables were turned, I would’ve had those locks undone by now and we’d be free, even if I had to throw his two hundred fifty pound body over my shoulder and drag him out of here.
I was the worst.
“Listen.” I tried to find my most soothing tone possible, even though my voice was raw from hours of screaming. “Just undo my hands. I’ll do the rest myself. You’re a good man, Landon. This is not you.”
I tilted my head, resting it on his forearm. He stroked his fingers over my chin, and for a moment, I basked in that simple comfort. That simple gesture enough to abate all my fears. He was going to make an excellent partner.
I could feel his pulse racing through the vein in his palm. “I forgive you,” I said. “Retroactively. Nothing that happens here is going on your permanent record. My pain is not your pain.”
“I’ll count to three,” he said.
“Just do it before you psych yourself out,” I pleaded. He put the key in the lock and everything went black. I didn’t have time to feel a thing.
The next thing I remember is waking up in his hotel bed, dressed in clean clothes, a warm blanket wrapped around my body. He was sitting on the couch watching me, his eyes ten years older than the ones I remembered back in that room.
Chapter Fourteen
Present Day
Law:
“I don’t like this,” Dana said as she caught sight of the slew of porn stars that had just ascended on the club. Between the nine of them, there was probably only enough fabric for one full outfit, and enough hairspray and body glitter to fog the place out. I tried not to pay attention to my brothers gathering in the doorway. I still hadn’t figured out how I was going to play this. Maybe Sage had changed her mind, realized this was a huge conflict of interest, and dipped out. I was afraid of how I was going to react if I saw her.
I wasn’t even sure what she was still doing here. She showed up uninvited and I couldn’t even pull the ‘no bitches in the clubhouse’ card, because tonight we were partying. Tonight was an open house.
After last night, when I couldn’t even believe she was speaking to me. I avoided her calls. I locked myself in the bathroom until the pounding on the door stopped and the music went quiet and snuck home without talking to a soul.
I wasn’t sure what I was still doing here. Staying home and pretending I had the flu or something would’ve been the best way to salvage my mental health. I couldn’t, though. Kevin was going to wedge himself into our business whether I liked it or not. I just had to figure out how to stop it. More importantly, I had to get to her.
“You don’t have to stay,” I said. “I’ll have Sharky drive you home.”
Dana laced her fingers in mine. “I need to see for myself,” she said. I tensed at her touch. “I trust you, Law.”
“Well then, you’re not very bright,” I said, instantly regretting my choice of words. I wasn’t being fair to her. This wasn’t me. It was such a typical jerk move, make the woman hate you so that you don’t have to break up with them. It was pathetic. It was weak, and yet, I should’ve done it a long time ago.
“Guess not,” she said. “You’re lucky I like you.”
“I don’t want to do this here,” I said. “I know I’ve been sending you mixed signals. That’s just my fucked up head. I’m not good at this, Dana. You’re great. Perfect. This is all me.”
“That’s the kind of shit men say when they’re looking for an easy way out, Law,” she said, digging her fingernails into my hand. “Why are you acting so weird? Two nights ago you beat my door down and told me you wanted to get serious. You want serious? You want to just have fun? What the fuck do you want from me? Quit jerking me around.”
“I want you to be someone else,” I said, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Wasn’t her. Wasn’t me. It was Sage. “It’s not because there’s something wrong with you, babe.”
“I can try,” she said. “I promise. I can be whatever you want. You hardly know me, Law.”
I kissed her on the cheek. “I would never ask that from you. I’d never expect a woman to change for my whims. That’s not fair. I was trying to change myself to make it work. Can’t live like that, either.”
“You’re a good man,” she said, resting her head on my chest. “Strange man, but a good man.” She took my fingers in hers, kissing my tattooed knuckles. “I’m gonna miss you.”
One huge weight lifted from my shoulders, but there was still another one looming in the distance. One I couldn’t quite see yet, but I felt it. The onslaught of porn stars likely meant that Sage was nearby.
I didn’t even have to see her to know that she was in my presence. It was like my body just sensed when she was around, like a part of me was brought back to wholeness the instant she was in the same room as me. When it was just Sage and I she was my balance.
When it was Sage, and I, and the agency, and the job, it was the exact opposite. Like being blindsided by a bus when you’re standing on the edge of a cliff. I was hopeless.
Red was the only thing I could see. Passion or rage, she clouded my vision.
I caught her gaze staring back at me. That mask didn’t hide those eyes I’d seen in every state of emotion over the last fifteen years. I knew that glare. I knew nobody else in the room was picking up on it but me. She looked away abruptly, turning her attention to Kevin, and I physically picked Dana up and moved her out of the way when I saw Sage drop to the ground in front of Sharky. Red. In that instant my vision was nothing but red.
I couldn’t blow her cover, but I couldn’t watch her being paraded around in front of my brothers like a sex doll either. This was my territory, my rules, and this shit was not going to fly. If she wanted to be here so badly, she was going to have to fall in line. She wasn’t just going to stroll through the door and hurt me like this.
That gaze caught mine again, though. She wasn’t trying to hurt me. She was upset. She was uncomfortable. She was going to get herself killed if anyone noticed. Was this as hard for her as it was for me?
“Get the fuck off the floor, woman,” I said, reaching out my hand for her. “What the fuck is wrong with you guys? This isn’t how we treat women.”
Sharky looked like I’d already beat him into a pulp. “I know, boss. Miss Steele, I am so sorry.”
“I don’t know what you have going on at your fuck house, Kevin, but the only people licking boots around here are men like you who think it’s alright to treat women like dirt.”
I was so mad, I hadn’t even noticed her fingernails digging into my hand. Hadn’t even noticed the fact that she was drawing blood. I let go of her and backed away, real
izing I was toeing a dangerous line.
“Prospect, get these bitches a drink. You all should be ashamed.” I followed Sharky to the bar, trying not to look over my shoulder at her.
“I’m sorry, Law, it happened so fast, I didn’t mean anything,” he pleaded. I knew the kid was telling the truth. I didn’t have any beef with him. Didn’t have beef with any of my brothers. I knew it was all just a game, it was the sex industry, and whoever Sage was pretending to be, obviously that was part of it all. I wasn’t going to let my woman crawl around on the floor of this disgusting place, though.
“I know, dude,” I said, patting him on the back. “I just don’t like that guy. He’s a fucking scumbag. I can just tell.”
“You don’t know who that woman is do you?” he asked as he filled rocks glasses with ice, garnishing each one neatly with a lemon wedge.
I knew exactly who that woman was. Apparently not in the same proximity as he did. “Some of us don’t have the luxury of hanging out in our mom’s basement watching porno all day every day, Sharky.”
“If that’s really Sabine Steele, she’s a fucking legend. She’s one of the most illusive pornstars in all of history. She’s fucking royalty.” His hands were shaking as he poured the expensive vodka over the ice.
“Well keep it in your pants, brother. We don’t need to get tangled up with these people. I have a real bad feeling about all this.”
“Who are you calling ‘these people?’” Athena asked dramatically, batting her long fake eyelashes. “I resemble that comment.”
“Don’t you have a kid or something to look after?” I asked. I slapped my hand over my mouth as soon as I said it. Athena was taking really well to motherhood, and between her and Judas, you’d think baby Harley was the second coming of Jesus Christ by the way they worshipped her.
“Fuck off,” she quipped. “That shit ain’t like you, Law.”
