by Voss, Deja
“I’m cool,” I shouted after him. “I just need some fresh air.”
I ran through the house before he could catch up with me. I didn’t even bother with shoes. I didn’t know where I was going, or why. I just needed to go. I needed to run. I needed to breathe. I needed to be away from this shit. Nothing was making sense. Everything hurt.
I was definitely not cool.
I was losing my mind.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Law:
I set a stack of receipts on Reena’s desk, and walked to the mini fridge to crack open a beer.
“No babysitting duty today for you?” she asked, tapping her pen off her lips as she groaned over the work I’d just made for her. Colt’s mom Reena had been around this business longer than all of us combined, but how she managed to keep everything under control never ceased to amaze me.
“I’ve been banned from babysitting duty,” I said, rolling my eyes. Sage didn’t want me at the house, that was for certain. Colt was skeptical of my ability to keep my shit together while I was there. Hell, I was skeptical of my ability to keep my shit together while I was there. Knowing the woman I loved more than anything in the world was just on the other side of the fence was driving me batshit. Not knowing when I’d get to see her again or what kind of condition she’d be in when I did was doing a number on my brain.
Sure, Athena kept me posted about the day to day business operation, but from what the guys were saying, this was the easiest job of their lives. Nothing shady to be seen. Everything was calm and quiet. Just your average house full of hot horny chicks looking to make a couple bucks. A dream job for the lot of them.
There was a sound of pounding on the adjoining garage door and I looked out the office window. Sage was bouncing from door to door, no shoes on her feet, grabbing locked handles and trying to pry them open. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, “let me in! Somebody let me in!”
“Looks like one escaped,” Reena said, staring down the rims of her glasses and rolling her eyes. “Better load her up and get her back where she belongs before she hurts herself.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and rushed outside.
“Sage?” I called out, pacing towards her. “Babe, what’s wrong?”
She looked up at me with her mascara smeared face, nothing but terror in her eyes. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her, letting her collapse into my chest. I hadn’t seen her this worked up in forever. Something obviously rattled her to the core. I pulled her off to the side of the building out of sight of the driveway, but she just hung there in my arms like a rag doll, sobbing, nothing coherent coming out of her mouth.
“What is it, Sage? Did they hurt you?”
“Just take me away,” she finally muttered. “I need away from here.”
“Okay,” I said. I didn’t know what she was going through, and I wasn’t trying to pry. I didn’t want to see her like this, and Lord knows I would’ve killed any man who even though about laying hands on her, but right this second, she didn’t need that.
Right this second, she just needed to go away.
I knew that feeling well.
“Give me a minute,” I said. She slumped to the ground and just sat there holding her knees to her chest, her feet all cut up with gravel from the driveway.
“Can I get your boots?” I asked Reena.
“What?” she stammered. “You think I’m running some sort of charity for displaced porn stars?”
“Reena, this is very important,” I said. “I’ll buy you a new pair. I’ll buy you two new pairs. Whatever you want, mama.”
“This isn’t some random, is it?” she asked.
“This is the one,” I told her. Even if she wasn’t speaking right now. Even if she kept throwing herself back into the fire. Even if she pushed me away every chance she got. She needed me now, and I was going to be there for her now. I was going to take her for a ride. I was going to help her get herself back on track. I was going to do whatever she needed. That was how things were going to be. “We have history.”
“Well in that case, you can have my socks too,” she said. “Consider it an early wedding present.”
Reena wasn’t the kind of woman who beat around the bush. Her thin smile let me know she wasn’t going to ask anymore questions. If I said it was so, it was so. That was the life of our house mother. Putting us in place when we needed it, and lifting us up when she could. I could see a lot of that in Sage. Maybe one day it would be her behind that desk.
Not today, though.
Today I just needed to help her through whatever this was.
I grabbed Reena’s boots and walked outside, handing them to Sage. She looked at me with confusion. “I can only carry you so far,” I said. “If you want on the bike, you gotta cover those feet.”
She slid them on and I helped her up off the ground, dusting the gravel from her jeans. “They fit alright?” I was certain they didn’t. At least it was something. She wasn’t going to tell me either way. “Come on.”
I lead her through the parking lot, and over to my bike. I handed her my helmet and she put it over her head, no questions asked. It was going to have to suffice. All of this was going to have to suffice. I didn’t want our first ride to be like this, but sometimes a ride isn’t about pleasure. Sometimes, it’s just about not dealing with shit anymore.
If anybody needed that, it was her. Helmet covering her face, nobody had to see her tears. Roar of the exhaust, we didn’t need to talk. Her hands on my hips, she knew she was perfectly safe. Whatever happened back there didn’t exist right now.
It was just me and my one. That’s all that mattered when I had her on my bike.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Sage:
The world is a dark and shitty place.
Just because something is illegal doesn’t mean it’s not evil.
We all have demons inside of us that need exorcized. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that weren’t necessarily moral under the guise of the greater good, but Kevin’s little side project left me speechless. It left me gutted. Just thinking about the disgusting people in the world who would pay good money to see that made the world that much of a scarier place. Monsters walked amongst us. Monsters that wanted to see women tortured and killed for their own enjoyment. Monsters who’s fantasies involved taking someone’s life in the most inhumane way possible.
How can anyone be happy in a world where these monsters get to walk free.
How can you trust anyone?
I leaned into Law’s back, my arms wrapped firmly around his waist. Hugging his body tight to mine was about the only consolation I had right now. We could’ve been riding a hundred miles and hour and I wouldn’t have noticed. The thoughts in my mind were going a million miles an hour faster. I could feel the wind pounding off the back of his leather jacket hugging my body, I could feel the bike leaning with every curve, but I was officially checked out. He could’ve driven head on into an eighteen wheeler and I wouldn’t have noticed.
Wouldn’t have cared.
So much for my first motorcycle ride.
He drove until we were far away from the highway, and I didn’t stir at all. My knuckles were white from clutching him so tight, but it wasn’t because I was afraid. I was shocked. I was frozen. All I wanted was for him to drive forever. The faster he drove, the louder the exhausted moaned, the further away we got from that house, the closer I felt to a world where him and I were the only thing that existed. A world where nothing else mattered but the two of us.
Every mile I felt my heart rate slowing. Every turn down a winding mountain road, I felt my breathing ease. My gripped relaxed. I wasn’t hanging on to him for dear life. I was holding him. We were one. We were free.
He pulled into a little roadside gas station parking lot, and as he filled the tank, I just stood off to the side, watching people move around, watching cars speed past, watching nobody give a fuck about me and my man out for a joyride. We didn’t matte
r, and it was glorious.
“I’m just going inside to pay. You want anything?” he asked.
I grabbed his hand. I didn’t want anything but to be close to him. I still couldn’t find the words to tell him what I was feeling right now, to talk to him about the horrors I’d just witnessed or my impending psychological breakdown, but I didn’t want to let him out of my sight. He smiled with concern in his eyes. “They don’t much like when you wear a helmet inside,” he said, helping me pry it off my head.
Without that helmet on, I felt naked. I felt exposed. I felt like suddenly everyone was staring at me. I grabbed his hand tighter and he must’ve sensed my panic. “It’ll just be one minute and we’ll get you home, babe.”
I stared at the ground as we walked into the store, still holding on to him for dear life. I wondered if he felt like I was an anchor he was just dragging around. Wondered if he was willing to put up with this shit for the rest of his life.
He grabbed a bottle of soda from the cooler and a stick of beef jerky before going to the cash register. “You want anything else?” he asked.
I was still too shell shocked to speak. I didn’t want anything else. I didn’t want anything at all. I felt like an alien wandering through the store. Was everybody looking at me like I had a second head or something because it sure seemed like it.
He slipped the girl at the register some cash and they exchanged a few words, but I didn’t hear any of it. Maybe I heard it, but I didn’t process it. None of it mattered to me.
“How do your legs feel?” he asked when we got outside. Instinctively I reached down and touched my thigh. It was still there. He chuckled. “I meant are you sore? Usually after a couple hours I stiffen right up.”
He pulled back the plastic on the stick of beef jerky and held it to my lips. Without even thinking I took a big bite. “Thank you,” I said. He handed the rest of it to me and I hungrily chomped it down. Had my stomach been growling this loud the whole time?
“At least I got ya talking,” he said, opening the bottle of soda and taking a long sip. He passed it to me and I slugged it down, the sugar going straight to my brain, the cool fizziness jolting me back to reality.
“Sorry,” I muttered.
“No need. I know how it goes,” he said with a wink. He handed me my helmet and I slid it back on my head, shutting out the world once more. He was right, my legs did feel a little wobbly, but I didn’t care. I was ready for more.
“Don’t take me back to that place,” I said. “Not now.”
I was starting to feel like myself again, but I still wasn’t ready to face down my fears. I needed to get my composure back before I could see Kevin again and not want to rip his face off. I needed a night with my best friend, the only person who would understand exactly how I felt and not force me to answer any questions.
“Wanna go to my house?” he asked, straddling the bike. My heart started racing faster, even though it was completely ridiculous. Something about going to his home felt more intimate than anything we’d experienced before. I felt nervous, like it was our first date or something.
“Sure,” I said apprehensively, sliding on the bike behind him. I hugged his body and let the world disappear as we headed home.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Sage:
The sun was beginning to dip below the tree-line as we pulled down the long gravel driveway. I had no idea where we were, only that I knew once the sun completely set, we would be in complete darkness out in the middle of nowhere.
The motion sensor light flicked on as we pulled up to the garage attached to the modest log cabin. If I could’ve seen him living anywhere in the world, this was it. The ranch style house had a wrap around porch and scarce landscaping. It was nice, but simple.
He pulled his keys out to unlock the front door and I heard the pitter patter of claws on hardwood followed by some loud barking. “You should probably take that helmet off,” he said. “Tootsie doesn’t like em much.”
“Tootsie?” I asked with a laugh, pulling the helmet from my head and shaking out my hair. “You have a dog named Tootsie? Please tell me she’s a fluffy little lap dog.”
He pulled the door open and a giant horse of a dog stood in the doorway wagging her bullwhip of a tail. “She thinks she is,” he said. Tootsie jumped up and hugged him, her paws easily resting on his shoulders. “How’s my princess?”
“You didn’t tell me you had a dog,” I said.
“You never asked,” he said with a shrug. Toostie followed us through the house, nudging my hand every step I took, begging me to pet her. He flipped on light switches, illuminating the open floor plan of the place. It wasn’t huge, but the fact that there were no walls made it look really big, but really cozy. The living room area had a fireplace and a black leather couch, and the appliances in the kitchen were super modern, a blaring but beautiful contrast to the finely crafted wood panels on the walls.
“I’m still getting settled,” he said. “Never had to do shit like pick out furniture or decorate a house before. Feels pretty good to have a place of my own.”
I flopped down on the couch, my legs rubbery from the hours on the road. I could get used to this life. “I like it. It’s so… you…”
“Oh yeah?” he asked, raising his eyebrow. He stood before me, unzipping the leather jacket I was wearing, his leather jacket. I didn’t want to take it off because it felt like being wrapped in his arms. It felt like him all around me, keeping me safe, protecting me from the monsters out there, I was lost in the smell of his musk, but I knew if I took this thing off, he was probably going to do me one better.
I slid my arms out of the sleeves, and he kissed me on the forehead. “You hungry? Thirsty? You want to take a nap or something? You want to talk?”
“Yes,” I said with a laugh. “All of it. All at the same time.”
He ran his fingers through my hair, brushing it from my eyes and smiled at me with those warm eyes I loved to get lost in. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Sorry about that,” I muttered. “Rough day at the office.”
I followed him into the kitchen where he pulled two bottles of beer from the fridge. I took a long swig, trying to settle the rumbling of my stomach.
“I wasn’t really planning on company. You alright with boxed mac and cheese?”
“That actually sounds like heaven right now.” I couldn’t remember the last time I had the fake powdered cheesy stuff, but even the mention of it made my mouth salivate. I wasn’t sure if I could wait for the noodles to boil.
“I don’t cook a lot. Reena keeps us pretty well fed.”
Tootsie trotted around the kitchen always right at his heels as he pulled a pot out of the cupboard and grabbed some milk from the fridge. “Damn, girl,” he mumbled, patting her on the head. “You act like I haven’t fed you in a week.” He pulled what looked like an animal’s entire leg from the fridge and handed it to her and she settled by my feet happily munching away, wagging her tail the whole time.
“I’m glad you have a family to look after you, Landon. I’m glad to know you’re safe and happy.”
He chuckled and turned the knob on the gas stove until it started clicking. “Maybe someday you’ll afford me the same luxury.”
“Someday might be sooner than you think.” I rested my head in my hands, trying not to watch that video on repeat in my mind. “I don’t think I’m cut out to save the whole world anymore. There’s a lot of sick fucks out there.”
“You want to tell me what happened or do you just want me to stand here with my hands in my pockets and agree with whatever you say? You know I’m totally content with either.”
“Why are you such a good human?” I groaned. How did I get so lucky to have him around to restore my faith in humanity, even just for a little bit?
He dumped the noodles into the pot and grabbed me another beer, and this time around I simply nursed the bottle. I didn’t need to go back to the house with a hangover. From this point forward, I nee
ded to keep my head on straight.
He just stood there with his hands in his pockets and agreed with me, as promised, and I felt that sense of ease that I only felt with him.
“I’m so fucking confused,” I said. “I don’t need to make you swear you’ll keep your fucking mouth shut, do I?”
“Never let you down before, did I?”
“Okay, so today Kevin showed me one of the infamous videos.”
“The snuff films?” he said, his eyes growing wide. “No wonder you were so rattled.”
“Yeah, but it was fake. It was all computerized shit. Looked real. Sounded real. Felt real. But the girl, Fawn, she was fine. I talked to her. I hugged her. Apparently it’s just some elaborate scheme where she takes a huge payout to disappear for awhile and he sells the video on the dark web to sick weirdos.”
“So, not really illegal,” he said, scratching his beard.
“No? But not really legit either? I don’t know. I guess what has me twisted is the fact that there are people out there who want to watch this kind of shit. Maybe people we know. Maybe the girl who works at the gas station or the guy who cooks my cheeseburger.”
“I highly doubt that,” he said, stirring the macaroni noodles around. “First of all, I don’t think that’s a minimum wage kind of hobby…”
I rolled my eyes at him. “You know what I mean,” I said.
“Sage, I’m going to tell you this because I think you would tell me the same thing. Yes, there is evil in the world. Yes, there are bad people out there who do atrocious things, people who want to take our lives and our freedom and see suffering on a mass level, but as long as there’s more people in the world that don’t want those things, every time you take on a job you technically are saving the world. Even if it’s just a little bit. You can’t let the ugly take away from the good. You can’t let the dark pervert everything in the light.”
