by Lori L. Otto
“Right, but…” I look to Shea, hoping for a more open mind. She squints at me, not really answering my question.
“What do you think?” she asks.
“It’s a comforting thought, in a way, thinking she’s not alone, right? But then, like…” I lean into them, talking more softly. “I don’t want her hanging out with that guy. He was a player, you know?”
They both start laughing at me.
“Let’s postulate that it is true,” Will says, the laughter still evident in his eyes, “I don’t think she goes on to date new people up there… have new relations, if you know what I mean. Nor do I think the magic man in the clouds is gonna allow for the player to seduce your married woman. See how this goes against all the shit they preach?”
“‘til death do us part…” I mumble.
“You didn’t say that. I distinctly remember your vows did not include that.”
“But traditionally… is that why they’re like that?”
“What is with you?” he asks, continuing to eat and dismissing any worries I may have.
“I’ve always… questioned…” I say, shrugging and taking a bite myself, beginning to think he’s right.
“Yes, but nothing so specific. This is… weird. You can’t be jealous of… a guy who’s been dead for, what, 20 years?”
“Like, 30, I think. I’ve just never ever thought of anything like that. She idolized him when she was younger. Like, unhealthily so.”
“And then she forgot about him because she got a life–with you–that included everything her heart desired. Out of all the things you have to focus on these days, this bullshit isn’t one of them.”
“Yeah, I know,” I say, sighing. “It caught me off guard. I wish the idea had never been planted in my head.”
“Why?” Shea asks. “Is it so bad to think she may have a friend up there?”
I think for a moment, then shake my head. “No. I’ve always wanted her to be happy. That will never change. If she… exists… in some way now… a way I may never understand or even fully believe, well… I still want her to be happy.”
“That’s right,” my sister-in-law says. “Sometimes faith doesn’t have to do with God. It just has to do with loving the people we care about unconditionally. This is what I try to sell Will on every day.”
“And I do love you unconditionally,” he tells her. “But when we’re gone, baby… we return to the stuff of stars. And to me, that’s a beautiful thing in itself. I don’t need an afterlife for that. We’re still a part of the greater universe. How incredible is that?”
She leans in to kiss him. “When you say it like that, it makes your way sound okay, too.”
“I mean… I just think of Liv and… her of all people,” my brother says. “Gravity couldn’t keep her here.” He shakes his head, tears in his eyes, and we both linger on that thought. Gravity couldn’t keep her here.
Trey and Coley unwittingly break up the truly touching moment when they come into the room. She carries both plates as Trey continues to cradle my son. “Let me take him,” I say, sniffling.
“Finish eating first,” he encourages me.
“I can do both. I’m getting good at this.” Even though Trey argues, I reach for Luca and hold him securely in the crook of my left arm. Before I return to my dinner, I look down at him and think about my brother’s explanation. Luca opens his eyes, recognizing me and smiling wide. “Hey, little man. You’ve done such a good job tonight with all of these new people. I’m so proud of you. Your mama… I bet she’s…” I sigh and shake my head, fighting with what I know as fact and what I want to believe for him and for my girls.
I look at everyone and push my food away, excusing myself with my boy tightly secured in my grasp. We make our way past guest after guest, finally going back outside to the swing where his mother and I first thought about the possibility of having a child.
“We were so scared then, Luca,” I tell him. “You’re not scary at all… are you?” His attention moves past me to the sky above us. I take his hand between my thumb and forefinger, believing that he’s holding onto me, even though he’s too young to consciously do that yet. I know he’d do it if he could because he needs me like no one else.
I lean my head back and stare upwards, too. It’s why I wanted to come outside again in the first place. I wish the lights weren’t so bright here. Wish I could see just one damn star, but I know they’re up there, regardless. Few things are as constant as the stars, and that brings me comfort. Remembering what Will said, it brings me a lot of comfort.
“She’s up there, kid,” I tell him. “Somehow. In some way. We can look up and talk to her any time we want to. And she may never talk back to us, or hell, she may not ever see us again,” I say, breaking down, “but she’s with us. She’s half of who you are. You know that? And because of that, I will always feel closer to her when I’m with you or Edie or Willow. I don’t know what I would do without you.
“And it kills me that you will never know this amazing woman who sacrificed her life for yours. It was the most selfless thing she ever did… and I want you to know that… but I also never want you to know that… I hope that you somehow know that it was a pure act of love from your mother that brought you into this world. And… I could never resent you because I know you have more of her love and strength in you than anyone else… and when I need to feel that, I know you’re my source… for now.
“It’s too much to put on a little baby,” I acknowledge. “But I promise I’ll be stronger soon. I won’t be so needy.” I laugh and touch his cheek. “You’re the needy one. Right? Say ‘Daddy, I’m the needy one,’” I say for him in baby talk.
Luca starts squirming in my arms, and I realize it’s his dinner time. I look up one more time, searching for that one star. A gust of wind comes out of nowhere, breezing over us, blowing my hair in all directions, and then I feel three quick, heavy raindrops on my face. Hurriedly, I get Luca to the porch, unaware that we were expecting any rain tonight. Before I go inside, I turn around; the yard is still, and no more drops have fallen. I wipe the three drops from my face and study the clear water. I check my clothes, then Luca’s.
They’re all completely dry.
I look up once more and realize there’s not a cloud in the sky. There never was when I had gazed up before. But I do see something bright up there, far in the distance.
Whether it’s a star or a planet or something completely unexplainable by anything other than faith, it’s something, and it makes me feel closer to her.
Chapter 33
On Thanksgiving morning, the girls and I are planted in front of the television downstairs, watching the Macy’s parade in our pajamas and drinking hot cocoa. Recently fed and freshly changed, Luca is sound asleep in his playpen that’s tucked under the east-facing window. The sun pours in, but aside from what we can see outside, the weatherproof windows give no sign that it’s 28 degrees, windy and sleeting. It’s toasty in the apartment, but we’re all wearing fuzzy socks and find ourselves under a couple of soft blankets just because it feels cozy.
We’ve never spent a Thanksgiving morning like this, but I know I’d like to start a new tradition, enjoying the distinct lack of chaos and stress that normally accompanies this holiday. The girls would always want to watch the parade, but we always had to be somewhere for brunch, so it was a struggle to pull them away from the TV to get them ready and to make it to our destination on time… and when we got there, there was always some crisis. Someone couldn’t make it for such and such reason, or so and so can’t eat this dish because of some new fad diet… it was always something, more so on Liv’s side of the family than mine, but my brothers and mom weren’t immune from their own drama, too.
Jack took Emi to Europe for three weeks. As well as I thought she was doing on Livvy’s birthday, when the holidays were mentioned, she fell apart. She couldn’t face Thanksgiving without her daughter. The December holidays would be different. With Trey and Coley’s wedding
five days before Christmas, their celebration would take up everyone’s attention for most of the month. We were all in the wedding, and it was a huge affair. Because Liv and I got married in Brazil, New York hadn’t seen the spectacle of a Holland wedding since Jack and Emi got married–and back then, the hysteria wasn’t like it is today.
The whole city is buzzing with excitement for this event.
Despite Trey’s tendency to shun the spotlight, he understood his position in the community and he and Coley had planned accordingly. This is as much a celebration for Manhattan as it is for the Holland family, and the fanfare of the day is going to rival the Royal Wedding. Streets will be shut down–and fully decorated–for a procession of limousines. Security officers will be everywhere. Coley and Trey will both make notable entrances into the church on white carpets. There will be screens outside of St. Patrick’s Cathedral broadcasting the service.
Needless to say, there will be plenty of things going on in the coming weeks to keep anyone occupied who’s involved in the wedding.
“Daddy, can I have some more pancakes?” Willow asks.
“No, sweetie. We’ll be having lunch in…” I look at my wrist, but I haven’t even put a watch on yet today. “Well, we’ll start getting ready when the parade’s over.”
“Where’s Joel?”
I huff. “He wouldn’t give you any, either, if he were here,” I tell her, “but he’s at Matty’s with Shea, prepping your lunch. Don’t you want to be hungry for that? Turkey and sweet potatoes and–”
“Pumpkin pie?”
“Yes, Wils.” She grins and cuddles back into me. “Are you girls going to help me cook when he leaves at the beginning of the year?”
“No,” Edie says quickly.
“I will,” Willow says. “I can pick what we eat if I help, right?”
“Not exactly. I’ll be doing the meal planning.”
“Then I don’t want to help, either.”
“What happened to that kindness thing Uncle Trey was teaching you?”
“That’s for our classmates.”
“Hmmm,” I ponder. “I bet he would want you to make an exception here. Maybe extend a little kindness to Daddy and help him cook… or do dishes…”
“Why can’t our maid do that?” Edie asks.
“Oh, no…” I say, shaking my head. “That did not just come out of your mouth, did it?” She shrugs. “Do you think I had a maid when I was your age? Do you think Mama did?”
“Yeah,” she answers hesitantly. “Granddaddy and Memi are rich.”
“That doesn’t mean they didn’t teach your mom responsibility. Neither of us had maids growing up. The only reason we have one now is that this place is… really big… and you two make more of a mess than either of us could clean. I certainly couldn’t do it alone every week. But she only comes once a week, right? We have to cook and do dishes every day.”
My oldest sighs like she’s the most burdened child to ever live. I put my arm around her and hug her close. In truth, I’m grateful she doesn’t know what I experienced as a child. The filth that I lived in because I couldn’t possibly clean up after my drunk mother and her many men and my two messy little brothers. I was clean; my space was clean… but not much else was. It was embarrassing.
I still remember the thorough cleaning I did before Livvy came over to my apartment for the first time. I’d bribed Will and Max to help. It still looked like shit. I’m so amazed she picked me… that she loved me like she did. I’m so fortunate that she could see the things I could offer her–they weren’t material things, but she was never looking for those anyway.
It was so much easier to get the girls motivated to get dressed once they had seen the parade; I’m surprised we didn’t try to wait it out just once to see the difference it would have made. I feel like I’ve actually accomplished a small feat today when I show up to the lofts on 5th Avenue with three clean, fully dressed, adorable children–and all of them are in great moods.
The doors to both Matty and Nolan’s loft and Max and Callen’s loft are propped open, so everyone can flow in and out of each as they please today. There’s a table set up in the hallway, too, with at least 10 desserts on them. Why they put desserts there, I don’t know, because Willow’s immediately drawn to a cupcake with blue frosting, and her little fingers are in it before I can tell her she has to wait until after lunch.
With wide eyes, she looks up at me, holding the decorated confection.
“Go ahead. Just that one, though.” She takes a bite. “You promise me?”
“I promise,” she tells me with a mouthful of cupcake.
“Get in there and tell all your aunts and uncles hello. Both of you.” They split up and go into different apartments–Willow into Matty’s, where I’m sure she could hear Will, and Edie into Max and Callen’s place.
“Matty’s hogging Charlie,” Nolan says, “so I’m going to have to take this one off your hands.” He’s tentative as he reaches for Luca, but when he sees my son isn’t going to fuss, he swoops him into his arms and starts with the baby talk.
I follow my oldest daughter, wanting to check on my youngest brother, who hasn’t been returning my calls. Max, Trey and Coley are all in the kitchen, sitting at the island. They’re snacking on crudité and drinking what appears to be straight bourbon. I pick up Trey’s glass and sniff it to check. The fumes are strong. I smile at my brother-in-law as I set it down in front of him.
“I’ll pour you a glass,” he offers.
“No, thanks. Maybe a beer?”
“Sure.”
“Grab me one, T,” Max says as he refills his glass halfway with more of the golden-brown liquid. Coley drops in two ice cubes for him. After Trey hands me a drink, I wander to the back of the apartment in search of Edie and Callen. I find them in one of the guest bedrooms, looking at an iPad.
“And what did you find in here, bunny?” Callen stands up to give me a hug, then sits back down beside her. I peek over the tablet to see what has her so enthralled. “YouTube again?”
“You know what she looks at?” he asks me.
I shake my head. “She’s not allowed to get on YouTube on her iPad… that’s why she does it on everyone else’s.”
He smiles at me. “She goes and looks at old paparazzo videos of you and Livvy… from when you were young.”
I take a seat on the other side of her to see what she’s found. “There are some I’d rather she not see,” I mumble.
“I know,” he says. “We don’t watch those.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want to see you and Mama fight,” Edie says. I look down at her and nod. “I know what they are, but I don’t want to watch them.”
“Good. I appreciate that. I was stupid–every time. Just know that.”
“Okay. Oh, look! This one is of you and her shopping with Uncle Will and Uncle Max and Uncle Trey! Was this at Christmastime?”
“Oh, wow.”
“Oh my god. Look at Max!” Callen says. “He was so little! And Trey!” He starts laughing. “I remember when he used to part his hair like that. He was such a dork.”
“He was adorable,” I tell him. “He just wanted to talk to everyone. He had no enemies.”
“Well, does he now?” he asks.
“I guess not.”
“What was Max like back then?”
“Rambunctious. Curious… too smart for his own good. He was going through a karate phase, if I remember correctly.”
“Really? Karate?” Callen asks.
“It didn’t last long. Couldn’t afford the lessons.”
“Am I rambunctious?” Edie asks.
“You can be,” I tell her. “You’re definitely too smart for your own good.” I kiss her on the top of the head.
“I don’t think that’s a real thing,” she says back to me.
“See? You just proved it.”
“Daddy!” she says laughing. “Did you get Mama anything that Christmas?”
“I got her so
mething every Christmas.”
“Do you remember what you got her?”
“I think… maybe a purse that she liked?”
“Do you know what she got you?”
I think about it, but I can’t remember. “No, I don’t. I’m sure it was perfect, though.”
“If it was, you would have remembered.” She quits the app and hands the tablet back to Callen. “I’m gonna tell Will and Matty and everyone that I’m here.”
“You do that,” I tell her, feeling genuinely sad that I’ve forgotten a memory of Livvy… a memory that my daughter wanted to know about.
“It’s a minor detail, Jon. You can’t be expected to remember everything,” Callen says. I look up, appreciative of his kind words to the worry I didn’t even have to say aloud. My mind is still churning, though, trying to recall that day. I’d given her the small handbag immediately, and we dropped off our brothers so we could go back to my dorm and be alone. We’d made love, which I remember telling her that was enough of a gift for me, but she said she had something–
“A wallet. Some clothes and a wallet. I remember it was a cashmere sweater. I’d never worn cashmere before, and thought it was too nice to wear anywhere that I went. I remember telling her that. I wore it once, on New Years’ Eve.” I grin, proud of myself.
“Was she in college?”
“Yeah. That was her first year at Yale. We’d just gotten back together for good in October, so we were taking advantage of any and all time we had together.”
“I get that,” Callen says. “That was Max and me in college, too…”
“But you guys never had to sneak around in California.”
“No, and it was nice,” he admits. “It was never easy here until we moved back, and they let me move into the guest house.”
“So… are you guys looking for a place in Manhattan?” I ask him. “Or do you just want to stay here in the loft? That’s perfectly fine.”
He shakes his head. “We won’t stay here forever… but we’re not looking here. We’re not looking anywhere. He’s looking…”
