“There’s all sorts of ways that I’d have to slightly alter my personality in order to make myself heard. Especially when I’d be traveling internationally and heading up some conservation project or another. People would automatically think that I’d be leading the project on the clerical side of things, because I’m a woman. And I’d have to be like, sorry guy, I’m actually your straight-up boss.”
Cedric laughed. He would give anything to see Elena lead a project like that. He wanted to see her giving orders and coordinating teams. He knew exactly how much passion she’d inject into every waking moment. He could only imagine how arresting she’d be in full go-mode.
“I could tell that you weren’t one of those people who could fully separate who they were at work from who they were at home,” he told her.
“How?”
“That picture of you and David.” He subconsciously traced his hand up and down her arm when he said David’s name. He’d never know how much she appreciated the fact that he didn’t shy away from mentioning her friend. Even though it was like a sharp stick into a fresh wound. “It was the first picture of you I saw from your file when we agreed to take you on as a client.”
“Which picture?”
“The one of you in the Sahel with your arms around one another. All that sand in your hair and the elephants in the background. It was just how I remembered you. You looked different, sure. But that look in your eyes was just the same. All… passionate and smart. I knew that there was no way you were hiding that away, even if you are often stuck behind your desk.”
She was quiet for a moment. “David had two very different sides.”
Cedric made a small sound to show he was listening but didn’t interrupt. His hand kept that same intentional up and down on her arm. Showing her he was there. He was listening. He wasn’t going anywhere.
She let out a long, thin breath and kept talking, her fingers toggling around with part of his undershirt. “Whenever we were out on a conservation project, especially the one in the Sahel, he was wild and unrefined and having the time of his life. He would wade right into any job, getting his hands dirty. He was totally unbuttoned and relaxed. But then we’d get back to the States and his hair would suddenly be perfectly combed and his windsor knots perfectly knotted. He had more suits than any man on Earth has a right to own. He’d march into any meeting, perfectly put together and completely wow anyone he was talking to. He could talk the spots off a leopard.”
“I’ll bet the two of you made quite the team.”
“We really did. For some reason, our mojo together, it just worked. People liked watching us do stuff together. We were equally passionate, but we had different techniques for getting what we wanted. Our opponents didn’t stand a chance.”
Cedric nestled his nose against her forehead in lieu of kissing her, his hand still rubbing up and down her arm. “Which version of him was the real version? The wild and free one or the buttoned up one?”
“That’s the thing,” Elena said as she shrugged. “They were both real. They were both him. He wasn’t dishonest in his representation of himself. He was just one of those people with two different sides. Two different hearts, he used to say. But they both beat equally strong.”
Cedric wondered which one of David’s hearts had loved Elena, because he was certain that at least some part of David had been in love with her. There was no way that a man could be that close to her, work so intensely with her, and not catch feelings.
“Were you and he ever…”
“No.” She shook her head gently. “Though plenty of people thought we were.”
“You never had feelings for him?”
“Not romantically. I think he had a crush on me when we first started working together though.”
“I’m positive that he did.”
Elena pulled back and squinted at Cedric. “Why?”
“Elena, it’s impossible not to have a crush on you.”
She laughed and went back to toggling his shirt. “I think you’re a little biased, considering you’re in my bed and petting me.”
“I’m not petting you.” He abruptly stopped petting her.
She shook her head and smiled at the look on his face. “David was bi. He was definitely attracted to women, he used to hook up a fair amount. But whenever he dated someone, really dated them, it was a man.”
“Did he have anyone in his life when he passed away?”
If there was some sort of scale deep inside Elena that was weighing two trays of rubies, half of it marking the parts of her that were falling for Cedric and the other half marking the parts of her that hadn’t yet fallen for him, the fact that he didn’t even blink when she told him about David’s sexuality shoved a whole lot of rubies over toward the falling side.
She shook her head. “No. He hadn’t had a boyfriend in a few years. Neither had I. We were both so dang busy. And successful, you know? All that legislation had finally passed. Donations to the IWCF were way up. We’d just secured this important grant that would allow for three more huge projects. We both had way too much on our plates to look for love.”
“And you loved each other enough that you didn’t have to go find romantic love.”
Elena’s eyes filled with tears so quickly that it hurt. The pinching in her throat strangled her words as the tears tumbled out of her eyes and wet the pillow below her head. “Exactly. Yes. That’s exactly it.”
Cedric didn’t say anything else. The truth was, he couldn’t think of anything else to say. But he could hold her. So he gently flattened her against him, one of his hands painting patient, firm circles over her back.
Elena cried against him and for a few minutes, she cried hard. It was a repeat of that first night in the kitchen. She’d sprung a leak and there was no way to stop it. All she could do was ride it out.
But Elena also knew that this was a totally different kind of tears. She wasn’t hysterical and lost and spinning. These tears were for David. These tears had purpose. So she let them come. She knew that her internal reservoir of tears for David’s death would fill up again soon, but for now, she let it empty out onto Cedric’s shirt. And she let Cedric hold her.
***
“Mmmm,” Elena groaned later that night as Cedric slid out from under her. “Where are you going?”
“It’s midnight,” he whispered back to her. “I’m on night duty tonight.”
She sat up sleepily, her hair in her face. “You’re on night duty?” She was half asleep still and confused at what he was telling her.
“Yeah. Just for tonight though. It won’t be as regularly on my schedule as it was before.”
“Okay.” She started to get out of bed, to follow him into the night duty room, but he gently pushed her back down into the pillows, tucking one under her arm where his chest had just been.
“Sleep, baby. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He waited in the doorway until her breaths became heavy again and then he slipped out the door.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Elena bounced out of bed early the next morning, showering and brushing and scrambling. She opened her door at the same time he opened the night duty door, officially off duty until four.
“Hi!”
“Hi,” he smiled at her, though his face was lined with fatigue. His eyes tracked down to the laptop under her arm. “You working again today?”
She nodded. “Yup. There’s a lot to catch up on.”
“Oh,” he said as he dragged a hand over his face. “I forgot to tell you last night that in the briefing Sequence said he could figure out a safe way for you to message with your colleagues.”
“Are you kidding?! That’s amazing! I’ll be able to get triple the amount of work done.”
“You can ask him about it over breakfast.”
“Are you coming to breakfast?” Elena asked, almost shyly, her lip caught between her teeth.
The look on her face made Cedric want to beat his chest. And get her pregnant immedi
ately. But he just smiled down at her. “I’m pretty tired. I think I’m gonna get some shut-eye before I’m back on at four.”
“Okay,” she said and started down the stairs.
He followed her down but was surprised when she pulled off on the third floor instead of going all the way down to the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” he asked her.
She just shot him a look over her shoulder and led him all the way to his bedroom. She swung open the door and stepped inside. “I’m tucking you in,” she told him.
Cedric took a deep breath and hoped she couldn’t see the suddenly raging erection he was sporting. Unfortunately he was wearing sweatpants so if she so much as looked down— and yup, her eyes widened as she glanced at his crotch.
Suddenly unsure what to do with his hands, Cedric scratched the back of his head. “All right. Uh. Lemme just…” he trailed off as he went to hide in the bathroom for a second. He brushed his teeth and splashed water on his face. When he opened the bathroom door he just leaned for a second on the doorjamb. She hadn’t bothered to flip on the lights or pull open the shades so it was a dimly filtered light that swallowed her up. Elena sat on the corner of his bed, her jeans messily cuffed, exposing two perfect ankles, and her dark blue sweater bringing out the shadows of her carved face.
God. He was so gone for her.
He had no idea what to say. That often happened to him, but especially when he was overtired, like he was now. He imagined that all of his words were like a knotted up ball of yarn and Elena was the kitten who was batting it all around.
She’d been looking around his room but now her eyes arrowed in on him.
Cedric was exhausted. He didn’t mind the night shift when he had a few days to get used to it, but the last two weeks his schedule had been everywhere, bouncing around from night shift to surveillance to recon to day shift and back. And for some reason, sleeping in Elena’s bed made it extra hard to go back on duty for a night shift. He needed to crash. His brain wasn’t working right. Which was probably why he didn’t think twice about stripping off his shirt and socks and sweats, the way he usually slept.
But he turned back around from his hamper to see a positively X-rated expression on Elena’s face as she stared at the tight blue boxer briefs he wore. Glancing down, it was almost as if Cedric were looking at someone else’s body. He suddenly looked strangely gigantic, like the ground was hell of a lot farther away than it normally was. Cedric thought of himself as having a good body. He was a former marine who still worked out every day and he ate right, took care of himself. But for some reason, with her eyes on him, in those tight underwear, Cedric suddenly felt as if his body was kind of obscene. His happy trail was too thick, his muscles were too shadowed, his tattoo too stark. He weirdly felt like the porn star version of himself.
He walked quickly to his bed, sidestepped Elena, and crawled under the covers for some level of protection against the tidal wave of desire that was crashing back and forth between them.
“I can never tell how big you are,” she said in a breathless sort of voice.
“Um. What?” Cedric said after he successfully managed not to swallow his tongue. Was she straight up talking about his dick?
“Your body.” Her eyes were still devouring every bit of him that wasn’t covered by the sheet. “I mean, obviously you’re gigantic. But when we’re lying next to one another, you don’t seem quite as big. And then you strip down across the room and suddenly you’re fifteen feet tall. How much do you weigh?”
“I— uh.”
“Is that rude?” She was flustered and breathing a little hard. “I’m sorry. I’m sure that’s rude. I just— God. You’re so beautiful, Cedric. And so perfectly humongous. I’m used to seeing you look beautiful and humongous in your button downs and trousers, or in your sweats at night. But seeing you in underwear. God.”
She sucked in a deep breath and tore her eyes away from him. Cedric took the opportunity to adjust his boner so that it wasn’t obscenely turning his sheet into a circus tent.
“Elena…”
“Anyways. I’m sure you’re exhausted. I’ll just tuck you in.” She stood up and set her computer aside so that she could smooth the blankets over Cedric’s chest. Her fingers got distracted and traced the organic lines of his sleeve tattoo.
“Elena,” he tried again.
“Hmm?” she asked absently as she dragged her thumb over one of his eyebrows and traced the shell of his ear.
“I know you’re trying to put me to bed right now, but you’re kind of working me up instead.”
“Oh.” Her eyes fell down the bed toward his bent knees. “Are you as turned on as I am?”
“Are you joking?” He laughed a painful laugh. “There is zero blood left in my head.”
“Is that right?”
He wasn’t sure he trusted the sphinx-like smile on her mouth. She shifted one knee onto the bed. He couldn’t help but tense.
“We can’t have sex, Elena,” he told her hoarsely.
“We won’t.” She planted her hand on the other side of him so that she was leaning fully over him. Her breasts were six inches from his mouth. Cedric licked his lips.
“We can’t kiss either,” he reminded her.
“We won’t,” she repeated as she slowly lowered her face down to his. She hesitated a breath away from his lips before she deviated and brought her face down to his neck.
Cedric jolted and groaned when her teeth clamped down on the spot between his neck and shoulder. The bright pain of it tightened his erection and had his fingers white-knuckling the sheets.
When she released him, the flood of blood back into his flesh was a sensuous rush that made his hips jut up toward the ceiling for just a second. She nuzzled at the bite mark for a moment, making sure he felt all of it, and then pulled back a few inches.
Her dark, swallowing eyes on his, Elena slowly pulled her chin to one side, exposing the graceful line of her neck and leaning toward him.
Cedric’s eyes zeroed in on the same place on her body where she’d just bitten him. She was elegant and delicate and golden there. One of his hands slid around her waist and the other went to the back of her head as he slid her even closer to him, held her in place. He lifted his head off the pillow and bit down, gently at first, gathering pressure when she moaned and leaned into him.
He released her and she exhaled hard, her pleasure and arousal a reedy note in the tone of her breath. His eyes found the bite mark on her shoulder, every indent of his teeth. He traced a thumb gently over it. “Fuck, that’s gorgeous.”
Carefully, he rearranged her sweater so no one else would see it and set her back onto her haunches so that she wasn’t leaning over him anymore.
“Sleep well, Ced,” she whispered.
He laughed at the absurdity of that statement. “Sleep? I feel like I could run a marathon right now.”
Her eyes lowered to half mast. “Maybe you should do something to make yourself relax. To make yourself feel very, very good.”
His eyelids lowered in response to hers. “Is that right?”
“That’s right. It helps. Trust me.”
“You know this from personal experience?”
“Helped me fall back asleep after you left the room last night.”
Cedric groaned and adjusted his erection, uncaring if she tracked the movement under the sheet. Just the very thought that he’d been on night duty one room away while she’d touched herself in a bed still warm from his body heat. “Fu-huck.”
“Make yourself feel good and think about me,” she told him. “The way I thought about you.”
“You thought about me?” he asked quietly, almost hoarsely.
“Of course,” she whispered, her lip between her teeth. “I thought about your scent. Your hands. I thought about all the things you’re going to do to me when I’m not your client anymore.”
Cedric exhaled roughly. He brought his hand to her cheek and groaned when Elena needled the pad of h
is thumb with her teeth.
“Sweet dreams, Ced.”
And then she was up, off the bed and scooping her computer from the floor. She closed the door softly behind her and her footsteps had barely faded away before Cedric took himself in hand, let his imagination take over.
***
Maybe it was the sexual tension thrumming through her veins, or maybe it was the fact that her sleep debt was finally subsiding, but Elena kicked ass at work that day. She followed Sequence’s protocols and was able to get in touch with her colleagues. And man, was she off and running.
Though it was obvious that her main projects had stalled out in her absence, nothing had died. She was immensely grateful for that. The ivory prohibition efforts that she and David had been heading together were still too painful for her to revisit right now. All of the group documents and memos were rife with notes and thoughts from David. She could practically feel him in every sentence. But, not wanting the project to die, she allocated that work to a junior level policy analyst who had always been chomping at the bit for juicier projects.
Meanwhile, Elena headed up another pet project of hers, a jaguar conservation effort in Belize. It was a study she’d been working on that analyzed the relationship between the jaguar habitat and eco-tourism in Belize. To her utter delight when she’d first started the report a year ago, she’d found evidence to support the idea that eco-tourism was positively impacting the jaguar population because the locals were protecting the habitat from poachers in order to preserve tourism profits.
Now, the next step was to use what she’d learned to protect the land from foresters.
Atlas literally had to drag her away from her computer for dinner.
She was energized and expending that energy in a positive way. What a simple, luxurious joy.
That night, Elena was asleep by the time Ced’s four o’clock shift ended at midnight, but he didn’t mind that at all. He slid into bed, snuggling up to her warmth.
Their days started to pass in a familiar pattern. Elena worked herself into the ground every day until dinner, when one of the team would forcibly lower her laptop. Then, at dinner, her eyes tired and happy, the group would goof around and laugh. On the nights that Ced could head up to bed with her around nine, they got into bed and cuddled and talked and tortured one another with their proximity. Other nights, she was already asleep when he got there. And some nights, she slept alone while he was on night duty.
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