by L. B. Dunbar
What I want is to keep soaking up moments with my Lilac. What we did last night. What she said to me.
“I could come with you,” she quietly suggests.
“How about if I find you in my bed tonight instead? I can skip the hotel and come back after the lecture.”
“I don’t want you to drive back late. It might be midnight or later. Plus . . .” Her voice drifts.
“I’m not going to drink,” I assure her. “If anything, coming home to you is a good excuse to skip the bars and drinks afterward with the department.”
Pam nods, uncertain of me, and while I’d love to prove myself to her right now, I can’t.
“I hate to do this, but I’ve got to go.”
She shifts to kneel on the bed and takes the sheet with her, covering herself. I hate how she’s hiding from me. Despite our closeness throughout the night, a wall remains between us. It’s thin but present. Her concern isn’t unwarranted, though. I promised myself I’d be good enough for her. I’ll do right by her, but I have a ways to go to prove myself.
“I want to wake up with you every day,” I blurt out, sounding like a sap as I lean forward to brush at the hair along the side of her face. Her blue eyes widen in the dim light. She softly smiles at me, but it’s not reaching her eyes. Am I misreading something here? Did last night not mean what I thought it meant? I want Pam in this bed every night and waking here every morning—with me.
She slowly moves, pushing down the sheet and crawling on her knees to get closer to me. Naked, she reaches out for me, wrapping her arms around my neck and latching her mouth to mine. The kiss is instantly intense and telling me something like her kisses last night.
Let me love you, Jacob.
I want her to, and I want to give her what I can in return. Maybe she can teach me how to love because I want to love her. I want a future with her.
I return the kiss with equal intensity, soaking up her taste, inhaling her scent, and memorizing her touch. She’s sensory overload, and every part of me feels pulled to her. Why have I waited so long for this moment? I’ve wasted so much time holding back from her.
Pam slows the kiss and pulls back from me.
“What was that?” I tease, feeling the heat of that kiss through every inch of my body.
“Just saying goodbye.”
My forehead furrows. A current under her voice scratches at me, like sandpaper going in the wrong direction, but I dismiss it.
“I’ll call you later,” I say, not liking the sound of my own voice any more than hers.
“Later,” she whispers.
“Oh, and if my assistant happens to show up today, can you tell her I’ll be back later to thank you for her services?”
Pam’s eyes narrow. “What services?”
“When I was gone, I heard she kept things together for me. Holding up my social media presence like she does and even editing some chapters in case I wanted to work.” Theresa told me what Pam did for me. “I heard she didn’t take the money offered to compensate her for her time.”
Pam’s head lowers while she licks her bottom lip.
“I want to pay her for her time.”
Her head pops up. “Throwing more money at her?” Her lips twist, fighting a smile instead of chewing me out.
“I’ll be making payment in kisses.”
“Funny, I know a guy in New York who took those, too, for tour guide services.” Her smile grows.
“Interesting,” I tease. “I heard he went out of business because he wasn’t paid by some wayward tourist.”
“Goodness, I’ll have to have your assistant look into that. She’ll see what she can do to find the guy and pay up.”
Curling my hand about the back of her neck and bringing her back to me, I say, “I don’t want my assistant looking for any other man. Only me.”
“Only you,” she whispers before I take her mouth again, heating us up once more. My phone vibrates again. Dammit, Theresa might be the death of me. Then I reconsider as Pam’s the one jolting my heart back to life.
“Maybe we can consider some kind of trade. Tour guide. Assistant services. We could work something out.” I hold the nape of her neck as my sight skims over her face, taking in all of her like a photograph before I hit the road.
“You’re so beautiful in the morning.”
Her eyes hold mine for a long minute before I can’t take the heat. I’m so tempted to strip my clothes and get back under those sheets with her. Hold her tight and prove to her I’m hers.
My phone hums in my back pocket again—fucking Theresa—and the moment between us breaks.
“Bye, angel.”
She smiles at me, causing my heart to feel freer than it’s ever felt, and I step away from her with a final glance back at her in my bed, feeling the rightness of it.
+ + +
I drive a Cadillac Escalade SUV now instead of my fancy red Corvette, which doesn’t have the same flair as my sports car and guzzles gas, but I love the comfort of this beast. After a day of driving hours, dinner, and a two-hour presentation with questions and answers, I’m spent, but I meant what I said to Pam. I want to find her in my bed, so I start the trek back to Elk Lake City, especially after an ominous text.
We need to talk. Call me when you can.
The text haunts me as I drive. Is there any combination of words that sound worse? It’s like a death sentence to a relationship, and I feel sick. I don’t want us to be over before we truly start. The niggling sensation from the morning triples in potency. My gut keeps telling me I’ve missed something, and a sense of impending sorrow hovers over me like a dark cloud.
I’m living in one of my novels.
I tried calling earlier and excused her lack of response to her work. As it’s the beginning of May, the busyness of flower shop increases every day. However, it’s late enough she should be at my place. Maybe she isn’t there. Maybe she won’t be in my bed when I get home. Home. Pam is my home, but I want us both in that house. I’ve already slept without her for six weeks. I don’t want to do it ever again. It might feel like I’m rushing things, but I want her in my bed each night and morning, which means I want her to move in with me.
When I don’t reach Pam after another attempt, I decide to call my sister despite the later hour.
“Hey,” Ella greets me, her voice quiet.
“Hey. I hate to call so late, but I was wondering if you’ve seen or heard from Pam today.” I jump right in, sounding obsessive, possessive, and out of control because I’m coming out of my skin. Despite our lovemaking session, I’m still a little shaky where we stand. I know where I want us to be, but Pam’s right. We need to talk.
“Haven’t you heard?”
My tongue thickens. My mouth goes dry. “Heard what?” I bark, choking on the heaviness in my throat.
“Pam was in a car accident earlier this evening.”
“What?” I choke, my vision immediately blurring. “What happened?”
“She hit a deer just off Winters Trail, your road. It was evening, and the EMT guesses the deer was crossing the road. How she didn’t see it, we don’t know. It was huge.” Ella pauses, and I hear the swallow. “He had spring antlers and landed on her Jeep, breaking the windshield. His antlers punched the airbag, Jacob.”
My eyes close a second while I’m driving. Please, no. If there is a God, don’t take the good in this world.
“Ella,” I croak, needing her to continue.
“She hit that steering wheel hard, but thankfully, the deer didn’t hit her.”
“What does that mean?” The question is a choked whisper.
“It means, another inch closer and . . . I don’t want to think about what it would mean. We’re all at the hospital in Traverse City.”
“How bad is it?”
“I haven’t seen her, but she’s still unconscious and has been for hours. Bruises and broken ribs from what I’m told. They’re keeping her for observation.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My palms sweat
as they grip the steering wheel, and my foot grows heavier on the gas. The darkness outside my window turns into a vortex, rushing past me as I fly down an empty highway. My world feels like it’s spiraling out of control.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” I quickly tell her where I’m at and click off the phone. Sending up a silent prayer for Pam to hang on, I try not to think about how just when I thought everything good could fall into place, I could also lose all that’s important to me.
Chapter 28
Moment of Truth
[Jacob]
When I enter Pam’s room in the early hours of the morning, I take several short breaths. I’m certain I broke every speed limit on what should have been a four-hour drive to get here in two, and I’m a wreck, especially when I see her in a hospital bed looking broken and small.
A woman in her sixties sits at Pam’s side, and I assume she’s her mother as their eyes match.
“How is she?” I ask before even introducing myself. This isn’t exactly the way I hoped to meet her mother.
“She’ll be alright. She’s a survivor. It’s in her nature.” Her mother kindly smiles at me, the curl of her lips matching her daughter’s.
“I’m Jacob,” I offer. “Jacob Vincentia, the writer and the man she works for. I called you when—”
She holds up a hand to stop me as the words are falling out in a rush.
“I know who you are. You’re the boss.” She smiles again, but this time it does reach her eyes.
“I’m also in love with your daughter.” The curl of her mouth grows larger, and her eyes finally show a spark.
“It’s nice to finally meet you in person. I’m Mary.” Instead of just shaking my hand, she cups mine with both of hers and then steps aside. “Why don’t you sit here?”
Taking her seat, I sit and stare down at the woman who breathes life into me. I hate how helpless she looks.
“Angel,” I whisper, holding her hand while brushing back her hair. She looks beautiful and awful, and I’m just so glad she’s alive. Being in this hospital is a déjà vu to our first official meeting—well, actually the second—and I’d reverse our roles if it would prevent her from being hurt. I’d gladly put myself back in that bed instead of her lying there, looking so broken, but I also promised her, and myself, I’ll never be in that position again.
Her eyes are swollen, both black and blue. Her nose bruised as well. I scan her midsection as if I can see through the blanket to the broken ribs and any other bruises. “She’s so beautiful,” I say to her sleeping form and the presence of her mother. A sob chokes me, and I lower my head for her hand. A hand comes to my shoulder, and a soft voice follows.
“We’re just glad you’re here,” her mother tells me, and she has no idea how grateful I am to be here as well.
+ + +
Brightness fills the hospital as I wake with a kink in my neck. I slowly lift my head and rub at the sore muscles while still holding Pam with my other hand.
Blue eyes meet mine.
“Hey, angel,” I softly greet her, more overwhelmed than even last night. The relief of her open eyes, staring back at mine, is almost too much, but I’m not looking away from her.
“What are you doing here?” she questions, wincing as she asks.
“There’s nowhere else I’d be, Lilac.” I squeeze her hand harder, fighting the emotion in my throat. Tears fill her eyes and spill from the corners, rolling to her hair. “Hey. Hey,” I whisper. “None of this.”
My fingers brush at her cheeks, and someone clears their throat. I turn to find her younger sister sitting in a chair at the end of the bed.
“I think I’ll give you guys a few minutes.” Her sister stands, and although she isn’t showing much, I recall Pam telling me she’s pregnant. The way she lifts herself from the chair is more telltale than the bump that shows once she’s upright. She repeats her mother’s words during the dark hours of the morning. “We’re all glad you’re here, Jacob.”
I’ve only met her once before, but her words do something to my insides. She gives her sister a long look before leaving the room, and I turn back to Pam, my eyes catching on the monitors. When I first arrived, I hadn’t noticed the machines and wires as I did while drifting off to sleep. Between the soft bleeps and jagged digital bumps, I’d drifted off, but I remember wondering why Pam had two machines hooked to her, like two heart monitors. Dismissing the thought, I glance down at her.
“How are you?” I want to wrap my arms around her and take care of her, but I don’t want to mess with these machines.
“We need to talk.” Her serious tone frightens me, and I try to tease when I say, “Don’t you dare leave me.” It’s what she said to me when she pulled me from the wreckage of my crash all those years ago, but I also mean it on a deeper level. I don’t want her to leave me.
“Jacob.” She chokes, and I reach for a Styrofoam cup with a straw, holding it up for her. She licks her lips but shakes her head. “This is important.”
“Lilac, whatever it is, can wait.” My voice grows stern.
Thankfully, a nurse immediately enters, and I consider her a reprieve from the inevitable. Pam is about to break up with me before we even have a start. The nurse’s expression is cheerful as if she isn’t interrupting anything, isn’t preventing me from getting my heart ripped out because that’s all I can think about with Pam’s words.
We need to talk.
The nurse speaks instead. “Time to check your vitals and the baby’s.”
My neck cranes, attention turning toward the nurse, when my sight catches on the monitors. Everything else moves in slow motion. The nurse checking the machines. A thermometer over Pam’s forehead. The fear in Pam’s eyes.
“Excuse me. What did you say?” I question the nurse as sound rushes back into my ears, filling them with the monitor's beeping. The click of the thermometer. The tap of her plastic clogs on the tile.
“The baby? Are you the daddy?” Her eyes lower for my hand holding Pam’s. Her smile is hopeful as she tucks Pam’s blankets around her.
I turn back to Pam.
“What is she saying?” I glare down at her bruised eyes, struggling.
“I’m pregnant.” The announcement is hardly a whisper.
After dropping her fingers, I raise both hands to the back of my head and pace a small circle next to the bed before facing Pam again.
“You’re what?” I snap, unable to contain the emotion rippling through my body. How could this be? My heart actually caves within my chest. I know we were apart for six weeks but still, this hurts. This hurts so much. “Who?”
The demand startles her, and tears start to fall in earnest.
“Maybe now’s not the time for this,” the nurse says, a witness to my heartbreak.
“It’s yours,” Pam whispers, and I stare at her. My heart slowly restoring.
“How?” I ask louder, still in a state of shock. Her liquid-filled, swollen eyes stare back at me as more tears fall. Typical to my Lilac, she gives me an incredulous look like she can’t believe she’d have to explain the process of reproduction to me. I don’t need her explanation.
“I’m always covered,” I remind her. “I keep it wrapped up tight, and you’re on the pill.”
“Are you okay?” the nurse asks Pam, eyes wandering to one of the monitors. “Do you want him to leave?”
I’m not going fucking anywhere.
“Could you give us a minute,” I command, my voice brooks no argument. I want her out of here. In the background, the monitors are rising in tempo. Ignoring me, the nurse continues to watch Pam. Clearly, she’s not leaving the room either.
“Explain this to me, Pam,” I demand, pretending we don’t have an audience. Her face crumples, and Ethan picks this moment to enter the room.
“What’s going on?” His tone expresses his immediate concern at the distress he sees on Pam’s face. I ignore him as well.
“It just happened.” Pam finally answers me. “The night of the snows
torm.” The timing makes sense. It’s the only night we were together before the other night, but I still can’t seem to comprehend how this could be.
“Sometimes these things just happen,” the nurse interjects, her voice cheerful and positive as she adds, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we talking about here?” Ethan hesitantly laughs, but I’m not finding any humor at this moment.
“Why are you still here?” I snap at the nurse as I glare at her and then turn on Pam again. “How long?”
“I’m eight weeks along.”
“No, I mean how long have you known?” I can hardly contain my growing frustration. Why didn’t she tell me?
“A few weeks after our trip to New York.”
“A few weeks!” I shout aghast.
“Hey man, settle down,” Ethan states, stepping closer to me, and I spin on him.
“Did you know about this?” I can’t read his blank face, so I give him the information. “She’s pregnant.”
Ethan’s eyes leap from me to Pam. “Really?” His voice softens. “That’s wonderful, Pam.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice lowers, but my heart still races with this news. What does this mean? Why hasn’t she said anything? Is she not happy? Is she upset I’m the father?
A hand scrubs down my face. Shit. Just shit. My brain screams. I ruin everything. Looking up, I watch Ethan lean forward and press a kiss to Pam’s head, pushing back her hair. She remains there, crying through his congratulations.
“Get him out of here,” the nurse demands, addressing Ethan.
“Outside,” he barks. “Now.”
“Fuck you,” I hiss. “I’m not leaving her.” Ethan pushes me, and everything in me tells me to fight back. To shove him aside, but my eyes fall to Pam, who has closed hers and rolled to her side. She must hate me. Oh my God, the one thing I never wanted is for her to hate me, and I’ve gotten her pregnant. In my weakened state, Ethan grabs the shoulder of my shirt and drags me into the hallway. I shrug him off me and slam my back into the wall.
