Maybe he is finally revealing his true self…
I pressed Nari’s hand and suddenly envied her being too short to witness the full extent of this horrendous bloodbath and desecration of our Father - the Great General. Some people in the crowd were sobbing softly, and I wondered who of them had just lost a sister or a brother… or a father or a mother. Or maybe a best friend. I remembered how Hana had broken down when her best friend had been up there and wondered how she had reacted when it was her brother a few years earlier.
But that still doesn’t excuse what she did to Nari!
The mourning ceremony started all the while a group of guards got busy loading the fresh bodies on small wagons and transporting them away, no doubt up to Cemetery Hill. Others reverently cleaned the blood-smeared face of the Great General on the concrete wall. I noticed the color of his face had turned darker, especially in the many bullet holes from previous executions where the blood couldn’t be completely washed out.
As the flood wave of tears and wailing swept over me, with my eyes still fixed on my Father - the Great General, I wondered if I this time would be swept away with it… that I wouldn’t have to use the pepper… that I wouldn’t have to pretend.
The answer came instantly.
I wasn’t.
I sighed.
Then, without a moment’s hesitation, I dipped two fingers into the pepper powder, threw myself on the ground with an agonized scream matching those around me, and quickly pressed them into my open eyes. Since I didn’t have the privacy my long hair curtains had provided for me my entire life, I had to do this maneuver with my face almost touching the ground.
The pain was intense and immediate. Unbearable. And then it got worse. I screamed. Tears flooded my eyes, but they only made the pain stronger. I covered my eyes with my hands. I stomped around. I threw myself on the ground. I cried. I wailed. I screamed. Nothing helped. Time stopped and there was only pain. Oceans of pain. My eyes swelled up and I couldn’t see. I just cried and cried. Blinded and wounded… an embodiment of pain and suffering. Before me, in my mind, I saw the smiling face of my Father - the Great General, and it became impossible to distinguish where the pain from the pepper ended and the pain from losing my Father started.
After an infinity of time, I felt somebody embracing me. I heard Nari’s soft voice.
“It’s over now, let’s go home.”
I still couldn’t see, so I let her guide me, holding her hand.
At home, she brought me a pot of water so I could wash my face. The pain was ceasing gradually, and so was the swelling around my eyes, but I still couldn’t see clearly.
I heard the door open and two people entering.
“Oh, Great General!” I heard mom shriek. “Oh, sweet Areum… look at you… are you alright?”
She came over and pressed my face against her bony bosom. I cried again. This time, however, not from pain but from exhaustion and relief.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’m so sorry you have to experience this.”
She gently stroked my short tangled hair, and a pleasant warm feeling spread through my body.
“Tomorrow, Areum… take less. Don’t put so much into your eyes. Just one tiny particle is enough.”
“Okay, mom,” I sobbed.
“I’m proud of you,” I heard dad say from the corner.
Despite the pain, I felt good.
I felt at home.
CHAPTER 17
The following days continued in the same manner. Long, hard and sweaty days of work with Nari looking increasingly sick until she vomited around lunchtime. Just by pure luck, she never did it inside the watermill or anywhere near the corn. Then came the extra water ration in the afternoon, which made both of us feel invigorated enough to endure until the quotas were filled. I wondered where they got that water from because we didn’t get the same effect when we drank from the river during the lunch break.
From the third day, like a gift from the Great General himself, we started to get a water ration in the morning as well. As if my prayers had been answered, it had the same invigorating effect as the afternoon rations. And it came just in time. Without it, I was certain Nari wouldn’t have lasted another day. Now that we were getting so much water, Ki Ha even left us more than a mouthful to share at the bottom of the bucket.
Every evening, the mourning ceremony was preceded by the execution of the people who hadn’t mourned intensely or sincerely enough the day before. The number of poor souls tied up in front of the firing squad with faces beaten to unrecognizable bloody lumps and body parts being cut off grew from day to day. On the seventh night, they executed thirty-two people… I almost lost count. I also had a growing fear I was becoming desensitized to the carnage since I no longer jumped each time the guns fired. Partially, it could be because I had stopped looking directly at them as their faces and chests exploded before falling lifelessly to the ground. Instead, I shielded myself from the gore by hiding deep in the crowd and keeping my eyes fixed on the ground.
I managed my crying better after the first time I used the pepper. The intensity of the wailing and the dramatic displays of grief reached new heights every night, so I didn’t stand out when I theatrically threw myself forward and, while covering my face with my arm, put a finger with pepper powder into my eyes. It still stung like you wouldn’t believe, but I had listened to my mother and was careful not to put too much. Also, I think my eyes became less sensitive after a couple of times.
By the eighth mourning ceremony, I felt more confident in my performance, although I still felt guilty for having to pretend to cry to prove to the guards and all the informants around me how much I truly mourned the loss of my Father - the Great General. Still, I was relieved it would soon all be over. Now, that things would calm down, I would finally be able to mourn this personal loss for real… not for public display.
And I can finally get back to planning my revenge on my sister’s rapist!
On the ninth night, I witnessed forty people lose their lives. The mural behind them had never been so covered in red. As I started swirling around in the ocean of tears, the pepper ready on my fingertips, I had the uncomfortable feeling something was different. I felt observed. Or rather - more observed than usual. I carefully looked around me as the chaos in the Bloodyard intensified but saw nothing out of the ordinary. I swung my body forward in my now well-rehearsed dramatic collapse to put the pepper in my eyes. Right then - just for a split second - I could swear I saw Colonel Wan staring right at me from the blood-soaked stage in front of the mural. As I reached my position on the ground, my heart pounded through my chest and I was sweating.
Does he know? No… he can’t know! It’s not possible! I’m just a tiny drop in the huge gray ocean of agony…
There was no going back, and no time to lose, so I quickly rubbed the pepper in my eyes and begun my performance. Blinded by tears, I had no way of knowing if Colonel Wan still watched me. I felt exposed and vulnerable, which at first, threw me off my game. Paranoia set in. Every time someone bumped into me, I shrieked, thinking it was guards coming to drag me away. But with the intensifying pain in my eyes and remembering mom’s technique to let the ocean of emotions from the surrounding ambiance in and transforming them into my feelings. My body and my face gradually started moving on their own. Soon, I was once more one with the ocean. Still, the image of Colonel Wan’s glaring eyes continued gnawing on me at the back of my mind.
Is he on to me? Or did I just imagine it? I must have… it’s not possible!
As the crying ceremony ended, I had somewhat regained my vision. I searched for Colonel Wan around the mural to make sure it had all just been in my head but was immediately met by his unmistakable cold and penetrating glare. There was no doubt - he was looking right at me, singling me out in the enormous gray mass of people. My temples and my spine froze to ice, and I looked away, knowing full well he had seen me looking at him. I bent my head down, hiding in the masses. I had pain in my chest and s
hortness of breath. I pulled Nari close to me and held her firm. I needed to feel we were connected and that she wouldn’t leave me. We followed the flow of people, but as we neared the main road, I still felt his stare burning on the back of my head. I couldn’t help myself. I raised my head and threw another glance over my shoulder. Another chill shocked my spine. Even though we were already too far away to see clearly, there was no doubt in my mind he was still staring directly at me.
The panic, which I had been relieved from the last couple of days, was back in full force. Colonel Wan scared me more than any other person in the camp. It didn’t matter to me how General Roh had earned the nickname the Demon of Yodok. For me… Colonel Wan was the real Demon. I desperately tried to walk faster to get away from him, but it was impossible to break through the impenetrable wall of people before me. I was stuck. And his relentless glare continued to burn a hole in the back of my head.
The night before the last mourning ceremony, I could hardly sleep. I lay in a fetal position on my hard quilt with my Great General pin painfully clenched in my right fist, expecting Colonel Wan to barge through the door at any moment with a battalion of armed guards to arrest me and drag me down to the Center of Truth. I still felt just as exposed and vulnerable as if Colonel Wan’s hateful glare was still fixed on the back of my head. And my Great General pin didn’t comfort me. It even made me feel worse since I couldn’t help imagining his smiling face on the pin also being covered with thick blood that slowly trickled down the palm of my hand. Every time that image flashed before my eyes, I shivered, and with a spasm, dropped the pin on the ground. Then I immediately picked it up again and clenched it firmly in my fist. Even though the pin was dead, I still could bear to be detached from it.
Father… why have you abandoned me?
In the end, Colonel Wan didn’t come to arrest me that night. Neither did anybody else. But that didn’t put me at ease… not in the slightest.
There is only one more mourning ceremony left… one more performance… and then I will be free!
As the word free passed through my mind, a great sadness struck my heart as I remembered the tryouts for the Great General’s National Gymnastics Team… the euphoria of being one of the ten chosen ones… of finally being free… and I remembered Su Mi, who helped me win.
My sister.
It all felt like a lifetime ago, so I started counting the days in my head.
Have we really only been here a month and a half!
The next workday passed faster than any previous. Partially because it was cloudy and the temperature was not so high, making the watermill feel less like a steam room, but also because my mind was in the Bloodyard the entire time, visualizing my final performance.
At night, we formed the usual semi-circle in front of the enormous mural, the Great General’s face now cluttered with brown spots - almost like freckles - from all the bloody bullet holes that couldn’t be wash out. I dreaded how many people I would witness being killed today.
The first group of lifeless bodies fell to the ground. I didn’t see it. Only heard it. I also didn’t see their blood dripping from the Great General’s smiling face. But I knew it was there. Instead, I checked around me that the coast was clear and prepared my fingers with pepper. I rolled the particles between my right-hand fingers as the next four unlucky souls were brought in. I continued to roll them as the following group was tied to the poles… and the ones after that. It must have been around fifty people in total who lost their lives in front of the Great General tonight, but in all honesty, I stopped counting after the first twenty. The pepper on my fingertips was long gone, so I took another pinch from the bundle. I still didn’t look up at all the blood and mayhem. These people had lost their lives for doing exactly what I was doing. For pretending.
When the carnage had finally finished and the scene was being cleaned up, I prepared to get in the mood for my last performance. The gunshots were still ringing in my ears, and I had the new pepper particles rolling between my fingers. As the wailing grew in intensity around me, I saw Nari’s eyes were already puffy from tears. I looked around to see if the coast was clear. Mainly, I was looking for Colonel Wan, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. Feeling slightly relieved, I started my normal routine. I flung my body forward and stuck the fingers into my eyes. The sting of the pepper came instantly. It burned like fire. And then came the tears.
Suddenly, I felt a firm grip around my left wrist and I was pulled up with enormous force. My feet almost left the ground. Another person grabbed my right arm and locked it behind my back. I shrieked as pain shot through my almost dislocated shoulder.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHO ARE YOU?” I screamed in a blind panic. The pepper burned like acid and tears clouded my eyes.
My right hand was suddenly jerked forward, shooting another lightning of pain through my shoulder. I felt something strange. It was like somebody was…. smelling my fingers. Then the tips of my fingers became wet.
“Pepper,” I heard Colonel Wan’s voice say through the roar of the wailing masses around us. “Very creative, Miss Kim.”
The grip on my wrists was released but was replaced by two sets of arms grabbing me from under my armpits and started pulling me away.
“NO… it’s not like that… NO!” I screamed as I twitched and jerked to get my arms loose, but it was pointless. The guards holding me were too strong. “Let go of me! I need to pay my respects to the Great General…. you have misunderstood… I HAVEN’T DO ANYTHING!”
There was no response, but over the deafening wailing from all around, I distinctly heard a loud scoff.
From behind me, a heart-wrenching scream suddenly pierced through the air.
“NOOO! DON’T TAKE HER! PLEASE—”
I felt the grip around my left arm loosen slightly, but not enough for me to get free. There was a thump, and the screaming stopped. I screamed and tried to pull my arm loose, but the guard renewed his grip, and the two of them continued dragging me through the ocean of mourners.
“NARI!” I screamed. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER? DON’T HURT HER… PLEASE!
Since I couldn’t move my arms, I pushed my feet against the ground. That didn’t work either, so I tried to stomp the feet of the guards holding me. Suddenly, something collided with my face, thrusting my head backward. An intense pain originated from my nose and spread throughout my entire face. Blood streamed down over my lips and my chin. The coppery taste of blood filled my mouth. A bag was pulled over my head. In my blinded state, I had only been able to distinguish shadows around me, but now they disappeared as well.
“NOOO!” I squealed. “NOOO… LET ME GO!”
The blow to my nose had made me lose my bearings, but I noticed we had increased our speed and that the wailing was fading behind me.
“W-where are you taking me?” my voice sounded strange with my nose clogged up with blood.
No answer.
“W-where’s my sister? Where’s Nari? What did you do to her?”
No answer.
The guards continued relentlessly dragging me forward in silence. I could hear footsteps in front of me. I knew it was Colonel Wan. Suddenly, we stopped. A door opened and I was dragged over the threshold. As the door slammed shut, the wailing behind us disappeared. So did all other sounds.
The men dragged me in circles down never-ending concrete stairs. The loud footsteps of my captors echoed in my ears. When we reached the bottom of the stairs, another door was opened, and they dragged me down a long corridor. There were muffled sounds beyond the clamping of my captors’ army boots. It sounded almost like the wailing we just had left in the Bloodyard.
“In there,” Colonel Wan commanded.
I heard the clanking of a metal door being unlocked and opened. The grip around my arms loosened and I was thrust into the room. I lost my balance and crashed down on the ground, bumping my head against the uneven concrete floor. The next moment, I was flung up and shoved into a cold metal chair. My forehead pulsated painful
ly, and I felt blood dripping down into my eye. My arms were again grabbed and twisted in an unnatural angle behind my back. I screamed in pain as coarse rope fixed my wrists to the back of the chair. The rope burned into my skin so tightly my hands started numbing right away, which somewhat alleviated the pain. The other man tied my ankles to the legs of the chair and then put a final rope around my thighs. I tried to jump in my seat to break free, but the rope was too strong and the steel chair was bolted to the ground. I panted heavily into the bag over my head. It stank of mold. I heard the hollow echoes of the heavy army boots again. This time they were moving away from me. A loud clank carried through the air as the solid metal door was locked from the other side. The heavy footsteps faded down the corridor, and the only sounds filling the void was my fast, shallow panting and the ferocious beating of my heart.
“H-hello?” I whispered.
I couldn’t hear anything, but I had the eerie feeling I wasn’t alone.
Did they lock somebody in here with me? Is it Colonel Wan? Will he…?
I held my breath and listened for another living presence, but my loud heartbeats and the pain in my eyes, nose, and arms hampered my senses.
“Hello?” I whispered again. “I-is anybody there?”
Silence.
From nowhere, a deafening scream suddenly pierced my eardrums. It was a scream more horrifying and agonizing than I had ever before heard in my life. It sounded like it came from a girl.
Is that Nari? IS THAT NARI? WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO HER?
I pulling my constrained arms and legs with all my strength with no result except for a stab of excruciating pain as the rope cut deep into my wrists and thighs.
“NARI? Is that you? Are you okay? What’s happening? ANSWER ME! NARI…!
I moved my head in all directions to force my senses to pick up where the scream was coming from or how far the way it was. I felt like the girl was screaming at the top of her lungs directly into my eardrums.
The Weeping Masses: A Young Adult Dystopian Survival Saga (Juche - Part 3) Page 14
