“Where’s… mom?” she squeezed out as soon as she saw me, but immediately had to gasp for air as her body spasmed in another violent fit.
“I… I couldn’t find her,” I panted.
“AARRRRRRRGG…” Nari squealed in pain.
“I’ll go and get help… just hold on… I’ll get help.”
“Please… hurry…”
I rushed back out the door, but there I froze. The thought of facing Mrs. Choy terrified me to my core. But Nari dying scared me even more. I broke through my paralysis and forced my legs into a sprint - one step at a time - and didn’t let them stop until I stood panting in front of Mrs. Choy’s front door.
I took a deep breath to compose myself. It didn’t work in the slightest, so I quickly banged on the door before my hands would go into paralysis as my feet had.
“Who’s there?” Mrs. Choy’s cautious voice carried from the other side.
“Areum,” I said, then hurried to add, “it’s about Nari… she’s very sick… she has chest pains… I think it’s her heart.”
There was a moment’s silence before the door opened, letting out the pleasantly familiar smell of brewing herbs. Mrs. Choy looked almost as furious as she had done one the day Sun Hee had accused her of stealing our rice.
“So that’s how it is with you in the Kim family,” she spat. “One day you call us thieves, but as soon as you need our help, you come crawling back and expect us to forget everything and come to the rescue.”
My eyes briefly met with Mina’s, who was sitting inside by the fire with a terrified expression on her face.
“I’m so sorry about that, Mrs. Choy… it’s just… mom… losing the rice made her crazy, she wasn’t thinking straight… Nari and I tried to stop her, but we couldn’t… she wouldn’t listen. I beg you… I know Nari has always been like a second daughter to you, and like a sister to Mina. Please, for her sake… won’t you come and help her? Please!”
Mrs. Choy examined my face suspiciously in silence. The seconds felt like hours, but I knew I couldn’t rush her.
“Is your mother at home?” she asked.
The painful picture of my naked mother smiling in General Roh’s arms flashed before my eyes. I shuddered.
“No… and she won’t be home for a long time. Dad is also still at work. I beg you… I think she’s dying… and I have no one else to ask for help.”
The anger on her face lessened slightly, but she had still not made up her mind. I felt exhausted… I had said everything I could and had nothing left in me that could sway her.
“Mom,” Mina’s low but serious voice carried from behind her. “It’s Nari, mom… it’s Nari! She hasn’t done anything wrong… please, you must help her! Mom… I’m begging you!”
Mina’s voice broke and turned into soft rhythmical sobbing.
Mrs. Choy sighed deeply.
“Alright… for Nari’s sake. But if your mother comes home, keep her away from me until I’m finished! Otherwise, I’m leaving, no matter what her condition is. Understood?”
“Understood,” I sighed with relief. “Thank you! Thank you so much!”
Mrs. Choy went inside to gather some things and put on a jacket. Mina rushed out to me.
“Is it bad?” she whispered, panic written on her face.
“It looks bad… but I don’t know,” I didn’t want to waste time explaining things to her.
“Come on, let’s hurry,” Mrs. Choy said, and all three of us started running as discretely as we could back to my house. Mrs. Choy was the first to enter. I prayed Sun Hee wouldn’t be there.
She wasn’t.
Dad hadn’t come home yet either. Nari was alone, squirming on the floor. Mrs. Choy got down on her knees next to Nari and told Mina to light the candles they had brought with them while she opened Nari’s shirt. They must have run out of oil for their lamp.
“How does it feel?” Mrs. Choy asked Nari.
“It feels like… there’s a huge rock on my chest… I can’t breathe… and it hurts…” she wheezed.
Mrs. Choy put Nari’s arms to her sides and went down to put her ear against her chest. Nari was frantically gasping for air.
“Do you feel pain in any other part of the body? Do you feel it in your arms?”
“No,” Nari panted, “but my fingertips… they’re tingling.”
“Okay,” Mrs. Choy said. “Let’s try something together. Hold my hand… great, just like that… I will put my other hand on your stomach… is that okay? It feels a bit swollen… does it hurt?” Nari shook her head. “Now, I know it feels like you’re not getting any air, but I need you to breathe together with me… deeply, with your stomach. You will breathe deeply and slowly, and I want you to lift my hand with your stomach. When your lungs are full, hold your breath until I say exhale. Okay? Can you do that for me?”
Nari nodded, tears streaming from her eyes.
“Good, here we go… inhale.”
Both of them inhaled loudly, but Nari’s body was still stiff as a stick.
“Lift my hand with your stomach,” Mrs. Choy prompted. “Good… now hold it in… and exhale.”
Nari did as she was told.
“Again… inhale… good… force the air deep down into your lungs… just like that… now hold… good… and exhale… now wait.”
To my surprise, Nari’s body looked less tense, and her facial expression more relaxed.
“You’re doing great,” Mrs. Choy smiled at her. “Now, let’s continue breathing together for a while. Just follow my lead… in… and hold it…”
Mina and I stood like statues and could hardly breathe as Mrs. Choy and Nari drew longer and slower breaths. A few minutes later, Nari lay completely calm on her blanket and was breathing normally with her eyes closed.
“Very good,” Mrs. Choy kept her hand on her stomach. “How do you feel?”
“Better,” Nari said under her breath, barely opening her swollen eyes.
“Great… now continue breathing in the same rhythm, okay? I just need to go outside and talk with Areum for a second… Mina will take over guiding you… I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” Nari continued breathing as Mina came over and put her hand on her stomach.
As soon as Mrs. Choy and I had closed the door behind us, I started shooting questions in a whisper.
“Will she be alright? Is her heart alright? Has the effect of the surgery been reversed? How serious is it?”
“Calm down, Areum,” Mrs. Choy put her hand on my shoulder. “There is nothing wrong with her heart.”
“W-what do you mean nothing wrong? She has the same symptoms as she had all those years before her operation.”
“I know… the symptoms look the same… but what Nari had today was not related to her heart… it was a panic attack.”
“A panic… attack? W-what—?”
“It can feel almost exactly like a heart attack, or like the fits that her congenital heart defect gave her… but it is completely harmless… at least physically.”
“I don’t understand… she looked like she was dying… she—?”
“You know how you panic when you’re in immediate danger? After the danger passes… the panic also goes away, right?”
“Sure…”
I could number several instances only in the last twenty-four hours.
“That’s just how our bodies work… it’s completely natural… but the thing is that if you’re stressed enough for a longer period, you can get the same kind of reaction… and it can come at any time, even if there is no danger present… like when you’re lying in your bed… or sitting in class… or working in the fields. It’s your body’s way of telling you that your stress level is too high… that it’s too much.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly, “but I still don’t understand—”.
“Come on, Areum… look at this place we’re in… think of what they did to her not too long ago… and then with the Great General passing away… something we all thought was
impossible… and all the forced crying and the executions… and the increased quotas… and then you being dragged off down to the Center of Truth right in front of her eyes… and then your food being stolen,” I flinched at this but didn’t say anything, “and she couldn’t see her best friend anymore, which I, of course, take partial blame for. The point is that Nari is a fighter, but she’s not that strong… to be honest, I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner.”
“B-but,” I stuttered, if anything more confused than before, “what exactly does that mean? I mean… she had pain in her heart… just like before! Will she be okay? Will this happen again?”
“As I said, Areum… the problem is not in her heart, and that is good news… but if she gets panic attacks like this, it means she is under too much pressure and straining herself too much.”
“Too much,” I scoffed. “I do almost all the work for her in the field… if anyone should be getting those attacks it should be me.”
I started feeling hot from the old resentment festering inside me.
“Areum,” Mrs. Choy looked at me seriously. “You are strong. You are very strong… and Nari is extremely lucky to have you. But you must understand that Nari’s panic doesn’t only come from the physical work she has to do… it’s psychological… it comes from the mind.”
“Fine,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “So it comes from the mind… but what can we do about it? If she continues having heart cramps… or whatever it is… for whatever reason… we’ll both soon have very real problems to panic about.”
“Yes, unfortunately, that is the case,” Mrs. Choy sighed too and looked at me, tilting her head. “It’s probably a long-shot, but… do you think there is any chance to get her transferred to a different work detail?”
“Actually, yes,” I looked at her surprised. “I’m working on something, but… it might take a while, though. How—?”
“That’s great,” Mrs. Choy said. “I had a hunch. Well-connected prisoners can make almost anything happen… I’m glad you are finding your way. Just promise me you’ll be careful.” A streak of concern appeared on her face.
I nodded. Her comment made me uncomfortable.
What does she know?
“I… also noticed another thing,” Mrs. Choy hesitantly changed the topic. “Her rash… around her neck and eyes… I’ve seen it many times… it’s a condition called pella—”
“I know what it is,” I interrupted her. “I know she needs rice, and I have already taken care of it… so don’t worry about it.”
At first, I got scared talking to an adult like that - respect based on seniority is one of the fundamental principles of Choson - but somehow it also made me feel powerful… it gave me a rush.
“Wow,” Mrs. Choy said, her eyes wide open. “Well, that is… great! That will help her with the panic as well… you know, healthy body - healthy mind. You never cease to amaze me, Areum!” There was, however, still a hint of worry in her voice and eyes. “But she also needs to work on these panic symptoms by relaxing and focusing on her breathing… as often as is possible. It might sound silly, but that is the only thing that helps… apart from removing the origin of the stress, but that is not possible here. All of you need to help her with that.” She suddenly threw a worried glance back at the door. “By the way… does Sun Hee always come home this late?”
“Yeah… she got transferred to the Chrysanthemum Garden… works there until late every night… we hardly ever see her.”
“I see,” Mrs. Choy pondered. “Fine… then I will come here every night to examine her and help her with the breathing exercises. As I said… it might sound silly, but it works. But if your mother comes home, I’m leaving. Understood?”
“Understood,” I nodded. “Thank you!”
“And if you can… try to get her transferred to an easier work detail as quickly as possible. Working in the fields is not good for her condition.”
“I know… I’ll do whatever I can.”
We went back inside, and Mrs. Choy told a shorter and more polished version to Nari, who also thanked her. Mina was still sitting next to her, holding her hand with one hand, and having the other one on her stomach, following Nari’s breathing up and down.
“Can I come too, Mother?” Mina asked without taking her eyes off Nari.
“Of course,” Mrs. Choy answered without caring if I had any opinion on the matter. “After all… the two of you are like sisters.”
Nari and Mina smiled at each other.
I, on the other hand, was not smiling. I was relieved Nari’s heart was fine and that she once more had Mrs. Choy taking care of her… but I was concerned by the renewed closeness of my sister and former adversary. I had gotten used to not having to worry about the truth about what I did to Mina surfacing while the Kims and the Choys were in a silent war with each other. Now, it meant one more thing to worry about on top of everything else. Nevertheless, I tried to put the worry out of my mind.
If it hasn’t come up until now, it will probably stay buried.
“Let’s go,” Mrs. Choy told Mina. “We all need our sleep for tomorrow. And Nari… remember the breathing exercise I taught you. Do it as often as you can… even when you feel fine… but especially if you feel that pressure on your chest again.”
“I will… thank you so much, Mrs. Choy,” Nari had tears of gratitude trickling down her cheeks. “Bye, Mina.”
“Bye, sister,” Mina smiled and crouched down to give her a big hug.
I tried to smile as I said goodbye, but it was difficult with the piercing pain now shooting through my heart.
After they had left, I went over to sit next to Nari. I watched her stomach calmly raising up and down together with her breaths.
“Thank you for getting them for me,” she took my hand in hers. “You’re the best big sister I could have ever wished for.”
I squeezed her hand back.
Finally some recognition…
But it didn’t feel as good as I had expected it to feel. Now that the crisis had passed, all I could see when I closed my eyes was my mother’s naked body wrapped in General Roh’s arms. I tried to make my repulsed shuddering not too obvious to Nari. I didn’t want her to start asking questions. When I kept my eyes open, however, I couldn’t ignore the other pain that had started when Mina had called Nari ‘sister’.
“No problem,” I said casually. “By the way… do you know what could have triggered the… the panic attack?”
“No,” Nari mumbled and looked away, but not before I saw something dark coming over her face.
I didn’t push, and shortly after, dad came home. He was hunched over and looked sick and beaten like every day. As we had agreed, we didn’t tell him anything… he had enough problems on his own. He didn’t even notice that Nari didn’t get up from her quilt and that her eyes were red and puffy.
To my utter surprise, Sun Hee also came home tonight, but fortunately not until after all of us had gone to bed. This was a good thing. I wasn’t sure I could pretend not to have seen what I saw tonight… and that was a fight neither Nari nor dad needed right now.
I closed my eyes, and with the cold and dead Great General pin firm in my hand, I said goodbye to another horrid day in hell.
CHAPTER 34
Chul woke us up extra early the next morning, calling us to gather in the courtyard right away. Fortunately, he was gone before my innate urge to rip his throat out had fully woken from its dazed state. Partially, it might have also been because my mind was preoccupied with processing the image of Sun Hee and General Roh.
I sat up on my quilt and sighed, exchanging worried glances with Nari. We were both thinking the same thing.
Not another execution…
Sun Hee and dad sat up as well but didn’t say anything. They didn’t even look at each other. I opened the door slightly and peeked out into the still pitch-black street. They had never gathered us this early before. After having forced down some cold corn sludge and moldy cabbage leftover
s from yesterday’s half-ration, I made sure every bruised part of my body was covered, and we walked to the Bloodyard in the formation of a family… although, in my heart, I knew this family no longer existed. We walked through the dark and cold. If it weren’t for the thousands of people crowding the main road, I would have sworn it was the middle of the night. I was worried about what was awaiting us at the Bloodyard, but I was also relieved that Nari seemed better today. I saw no trace of last night’s panic attack that had come in the disguise of her congenital heart defect. The pellagra looked the same, but at least it wasn’t worse. She couldn’t walk fast - as usual - but today, that suited me perfectly since my midnight run to the Chrysanthemum Garden had opened up the wounds on my feet again. They were just as sore as the first night I acquired them. I was also afraid that walking fast would make me lose the vile cold breakfast that wasn’t sitting well in my sensitive stomach… an idea I welcomed, but I knew I couldn’t deprive my body of any nourishment if I was going to make it through the day.
As we passed the School of Juche, we noticed Mrs. Choy and Mina a few yards away. Sun Hee immediately made a theatrical display of looking the other way. Dad looked like he wanted to greet them but didn’t dare oppose his wife. Nari and I nodded and smiled at them discretely so that our parents wouldn’t notice.
We arrived in the Bloodyard, and as always, the entire camp population was there in front of the huge mural depicting our Father - the Great General’s radiant face of infinite kindness in the gloomy light of the Oversight wall lamps. The stench of sweat filled the cold morning air and added to my nausea. But there was nowhere to run from it.
To my surprise, General Roh was nowhere to be seen. Instead, it was Colonel Wan who stood in front of us, surrounded by the normal group of blank-faced officers. He raised his hand to silence us. I used the head of one of the taller prisoners in front of me as a shield, occasionally peeking out from the side like a scared little girl. As Colonel Wan’s gaze swept over the crowd, I couldn’t help but feel he was searching for me. I bent down behind the tall prisoner to make sure our eyes didn’t meet. Phantom pain shot from my finger for the first time in weeks.
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