by Jamie Knight
I knew it was hyperbole; I knew I had fallen hard for her. But I was being over-dramatic in my emotions.
“I am sick… a sick man with a sick attitude and an old sagging heart. Oh, Jon. What have I done? She loved me… loved me. I could feel it. And I fucking loved her too.”
He raised his eyebrows at this admission of mine but didn’t look altogether too surprised. He didn’t say anything, either, so I continued.
“How many women have you seen with that genuine kindness and appreciation towards me with no reward? With no sense of wanting to sleep with me just to get my money? None, Jon. None! And on her first day with me, at her opportunity to learn and be something for herself, I go ahead and screw it up. Fuck this, Jon. Nothing you say can make any of this feel better. I fucked up her life, I’m sure of it, and there is no turning back.”
I fumed, clawing at my hair. I had to get it all off my chest, or else it would come back in the worst ways possible. I was not at my best when I was angry with anyone, particularly myself.
Jonathan looked at me with curious eyes, as if seeking to find words to utter.
He sighed.
“You have a long week ahead of you, Alexander. And if you won’t rest at your will, then mine shall have to suffice,” he carefully explained.
There was nothing to prepare me for the small syringe he flicked in his palm and thrust into my right arm.
A sedative?
It was one of those we used when we would deer hunt once in a while during our small trips to the wilds of South Africa. He must have really wanted me knocked out.
I must be even worse off than I’ve been feeling. Or at least, I must be looking worse off.
As it slowly took effect and my vision hazed, my lips found a way to mouth a silent ‘fuck you’ to him. I slunk into my bed heavily and he stood up and walked over to my side.
“You’ll thank me in the morning, Alexander.”
His last words hit me before I sunk into a deep medicated sleep that brought dreams of darkness and emptiness, swirling in pools of regret mired by desire.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Alexander
One Month Later
“Mr. Foster, how would you explain the next phase of solar cell energy that your company is developing?”
“…is there a new entry of new SIM cards that are radiation free and give their uses free Wi-Fi anywhere in the world?”
“Can you speak to the rumors of you handling the degrading ecosystem in the rainforests and saving endangered species?”
The questions came rapidly, one after the other, with reporters flashing their cameras to take any photo they could of the group of men I had clustered around me for the press conference. The company was doing extremely well globally, and I was giving this conference to assure the public of the systems in place to manage the tech we were building.
As much as things were running smoothly at face value, I was dismayed at heart. Age and experience had taught me how to handle my emotions in situations when it counted, but when I went in alone into my office and told Nancy not to disturb me under any circumstance — and deterred her advances on me — I was miserable.
The one thing that had held me together was the hope of seeing my love at church. But Valeria never came. Week after week, day after burning day went by, without me seeing her.
Nancy was quite pleased with herself at the news that Valeria was gone, and she got it into her head that I had fired Valeria due to the fight that the two of them had had, even though that was not the case at all. She walked haughtily around the office tending to my every need. She even got herself new perfume that annoyed the hell out of my nose.
I didn’t pay Nancy any attention, other than to set the record straight around the office that Valeria had not been fired, and certainly not for breaking Nancy’s nose. That was Nancy’s own fault, for being so cruel to a new hire, just out of jealousy.
Mainly, though, I was too busy thinking about Valeria to focus on anything else. I had tried tracing her, but Jonathan had proved tough on that. He had disabled Truman from any search tags related to Valeria and her family, so I could never know what she was going through or where she was.
It bothered me heavily and gave me thoughts deep in darkness over my actions that night.
Things were still sore between Jonathan and me and were not looking as if they would heal up any time soon. I had not appreciated him sticking a drug into me to calm me down, but deep down I could understand it all came from a place of love. My anger issues were something else, and only he knew how far I could go.
After the press conference, I went and sat in my office, stewing in my thoughts about Valeria, which was all I seemed to be able to do these days. I was deeply lost in thought.
Knock, knock.
That sound brought me back to the present, and I wondered who it was.
Is Nancy not at her desk?
Another knock at the door piqued my curiosity, and I had to let whoever it was in.
“Come in,” I coughed.
I swung around in my chair, waiting to stand up and receive my guest, when I stopped in my tracks.
There at my door frame stood Lisa Silva.
“This is unexpected,” I remarked, edging towards my desk and leaning in, carefully crossing one foot over the other.
Her eyes scanned through my being, into my thoughts and back to the snap of the present.
She heaved a tired breath of air, and cocked her head to one side, shutting the door behind her.
“We need to talk, Alexander.”
“Does James know you’re here?”
“No, he does not. I came because of matters of the past, and those that affect the present and future,” Lisa Silva mysteriously explained.
She sat opposite me, with her arms tightly crossing her brown leather jacket and her face hunched up to sternly glare at me. Even though she had the look of a high school headmistress, anyone with eyes could clearly tell where Valeria got her looks from.
“How is your daughter?” I asked.
Longing and curiosity made me bold, without thought of any consequence.
She took a long hard look at me and pondered her response, thinking it through before she gave it away.
“I have not seen Valeria for a month, and that is her own will as it is with our God above,” she started.
“Your God, you mean,” I coughed.
It was only polite to make sure we did not get confused with where we both stood.
“As you wish, Alexander,” she scoffed. “I always knew your presence at our church was a publicity stunt, anyway.”
Her shoulders drooped in sadness, as much as she tried to hide it. Lisa’s strength seemed to fade away with the thoughts of her daughter, and in a weird way, I could understand.
“Why are you here, Lisa? I know we had our falling out long ago.”
She had found God and Jesus and left the “sinful life” of her past for a religious family life. Ever since James and I had reconnected at church, I knew that Lisa disliked me. She could pretend it was because she thought I was a hypocrite for being a charitable donor rather than a true believer – and I couldn’t even begrudge her that opinion, as she was entitled to it – but I always knew it was because I knew who she had truly been before, in the past, when no one else at the church knew, and she hadn’t ever wanted them to know.
“I am not here because of that, Alexander. I do have a past and no one needs to know about it. I put it behind me all those years back and I know you are discrete and would not air my dirty laundry to the church. I’m here to talk about getting Valeria her job back,” she cut me off.
I looked into her eyes.
She turned away.
Was she…shying off?
She could not maintain eye contact with me longer than a few seconds, which took me by surprise. Lisa Silva was the fiercest woman I knew, and for her to lose her confidence in my presence meant only one thing.
She’s desp
erate.
“Alright, Lisa. I’ll save you the trouble of begging for your daughter’s job back. She broke company rules and fell asleep at her desk. She…”
“We both know that’s bullshit, Alex!” she interjected.
Her fists were now on her kneecaps and her fire was growing in intensity.
“You fired her because something else was going on, didn’t you?
I twitched.
“No, Lisa. Rules were broken, and that I cannot tolerate.”
Her face changed.
“Alexander, she is young and has many years to go before she can realize her identity. I am trying, really trying to make her follow the righteous path. Just give her one more chance. Wherever she is, I know she is safe, but a month without seeing my baby girl is too long. She needed this, and you know it.”
For a moment, I saw the Lisa Silva I knew long ago before she was married. The exotic dancer with a fire in her heels, spice on her skin and a dark checkered past. This was back in the days during which I was dealing drugs, so, far be it for me to ever judge her – which I never did, even though she always seemed convinced otherwise – but none of that mattered anymore.
Her words were coming from the right place; I could tell. A moment of silence passed between us, acknowledging the exchange of notions between old friends. I knew I had to make things right with Valeria, and the only way to do that was to find her.
“Alright, then. I will reinstate her as soon as I find her. She did not leave your house because of the job, and that I am sure of. Whatever happened in that house after I left that night —” Lisa caught her breath, taking my sentence in word for word, slowly gazing towards me —“I will know about it one way or another.”
She stood up and walked towards the metal desk that separated the two of us. She leaned in and nodded, staring me straight in the eyes.
“I appreciate you manning up to help my daughter,” she said. “I began to have a feeling that you cared about her more than I may have realized at first.”
“That feeling of yours was correct,” I confirmed.
She walked silently towards the door, opened it and looked back.
“For old times’ sake, Alexander, thank you. I know you were always a good friend to my husband, and now you can be a good friend to me by getting my daughter back, even if that means…”
She trailed off, but the unspoken words hung heavy in my office.
Even if that means Valeria and I are together.
My heart leapt at the thought.
She left, closing the door behind her.
I hurriedly switched on my intercom and buzzed at Nancy.
“Why did you let that woman through to my office without my consent?”
“She had an appointment, Sir. I left a note at your desk earlier this week about it. You said you did not want to be disturbed…”
She was lying.
“Fine… fine. Next time call me — no matter what. Understood?” I confirmed.
“Yes, Sir.”
I clicked the intercom off and cursed myself.
That woman is a sea of problems I am not taking my boat out on.
I had more pressing things to think about and do.
Now I had to find Valeria.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Valeria
Living with Stella was the best thing I had decided to do in the spur of the moment. She kept to her word, day after day, and offered me a place to stay while I licked my wounds, both physically and mentally.
It was the first day that was the hardest. I tried to wake up, nay, shift onto my side on the large, square bed, but the pain seared right through me. I was a mess, a torrent of tears all day, and even the best of hugs and hot chocolate from my best friend could not ease that pain.
Suicidal thoughts came in on the second day. I could now move both my arms painfully, and every time I found myself in the shower, I would eye the razor on the counter longingly, dreaming how fast this pain would end if I took my opportunity to end it on my own.
Stella caught me one afternoon. She made me promise to stop. I couldn’t say no to her.
A hot day after I had been with her for over a month changed everything. She had gone out for groceries. I was in the kitchen all morning blending some fruits for their juice; the noise from the blender kept my mind at ease. It was pleasing to watch how the pieces of fruit shredded in a matter of seconds and became pure Zen once the process was done.
Same thing Alexander did to my heart, it seems. Time can only tell.
It was my first heartbreak with a man I had been in love with. Perhaps one thing that would come out of it would be that our flim-flam relationship must have a record for being the shortest one in existence.
Ha-ha. At least I didn’t stay too long to get dumped after it went on for years.
After sitting down on the couch and playing some music on my phone, dread and a void collapsed in my chest. A string of dark emotions rotated round and round inside of me from head to toe. Misery and desolation kept me company, and the playlist was not doing me any better.
Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. The smoothie I had downed just moments earlier threatened to come up.
I grabbed my stomach and lurched off the couch. I felt dizzy. The room spun, but I made my way to the stairs, practically on my hands and knees.
The bathroom was upstairs, and I took my time getting there, swaying the whole way. The door was easy to shut, and the floor was cool.
After I was done being sick, I rested my head against the side of the tub, enjoying the cool texture.
Stella was there before I could get up. She rushed upstairs to see where I was, and when I failed to answer, she immediately came to the bathroom. She knew there was something wrong, and even when she patched me up and forced electrolytes on me, her eyes never once judged me.
When I was feeling a little better, she insisted that I go to urgent care. It was a long wait, but we finally saw a nurse. What she said changed my life. I was pregnant with Alexander’s child. I was going to be a mother and have a little baby of my own.
I was overjoyed and sad all at once. I wanted this baby with all my heat, but the baby’s father would never be part of our lives. Alexander had used me. I doubted he cared about the consequences. He wouldn’t accept any child that came from our union.
Stella never left me alone in the house after that. She always ordered groceries online and called her parents for money, never wanting to leave me to be sick on my own again. I did not deserve such a caring friend.
Time passed; my body changed and grew. I was back on my feet, feeling better about the situation at hand. The thought of my baby brought me great joy. I decided never to go back home, despite members of the church asking around for me. Stella was Catholic, but she made a point of passing by my church to see the goings-on and fill me in.
“Remember old man Williams? He was actually asking around for you at the church doors,” she laughed out loud, spilling a bit of her chocolate on the floor.
“Eeeew, that’s disgusting, Stella. That guy has just about had enough in his lifetime, know what I mean?” I winked, passing over a napkin to wipe the mess.
“Ha-ha, yeah I do… which reminds me… you’re about to become a mother. Have you given any thought as to what you are going to do for a job?” she asked with concern in her eyes, mired by a twinkle of upcoming joy.
Smiling, I reviewed the thoughts in my mind of how I had loved animals from the earliest of ages. Being a young girl, I had always wanted a pet to take care of and nurture, but my parents stood in the way of it all.
Droning on and on about ‘responsibility’ and ‘they’re too expensive’ kept me from truly achieving my goals of becoming a veterinary doctor. The passion for helping the kindest and most dangerous animals on the planet enticed me, even though my mom wanted me to become a teacher.
“I know, it might seem far-fetched with my personality and all, but I really do want to get to college and practi
ce veterinary services. How awesome would it be if you had a pet gerbil or Labrador and you wanted them fixed up? You’d always visit for evening tea,” I winked.
She laughed out, relishing the thought.
“We would live across from each other’s houses, Valeria, and keep the fun up and I’d help you with babysitting,” she replied, shifting on the couch.
A question seemed to nag her, and seeing her twitch unevenly prolonged the uncomfortable nature of it all.
“Go on, Stella. I cannot stop you from asking, anyway.”
“Okay, I just have to know. Will you really not go to him and hear what he has to say about this? I mean, come on… you can’t trust anything your parents say now, can you? Maybe Alexander didn’t really fire you.”
I rolled my eyes and planned a speech, but she went on.
“I mean, we’re practically sisters, and I know how much you pretend not to have emotions on most days, but Valeria, I know you still love that man from the heavens to the earth. Every time Alexander pops up on the TV or in the paper or even on a blog online, you squirm a little. Even now! Alexander, Alexander, Alexander…”
She was right.
“Plus,” she sighed, “you have to tell him about the baby. You just have to, Valeria. He’s the father.”
My stomach tightened and my heart raced. The mere mention of him just brought a quiver to my body, and hormones flowed all the way through me top to bottom, settling at the center.
I put my cocoa mug down on the table and swept a look at her. She was smirking, enjoying the look on my reddening face — I was blushing.
I had always pondered the words my dad had spoken to me that day, milling through the half-truths and whole lie that they could have been. They were, after all, protecting their own daughter from the troubles of the world. In a blurred line sort of way, they were on the right path.
But my dad had let mom beat me to a pulp. I could never, ever let that slide. I had emotional scars that could not easily be forgotten, however sweet I seemed to be. For any day I had not dared to think of my family a few blocks away; only dark thoughts would come over me.
