by B. Love
Ambiance Books Presents
Alayziah
When Loving Him is Complicated
B. LOVE
Sacramento, California
www.moreambiancebooks.com
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2016 B. Love
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For more information, please contact the publisher.
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Editing by SKM
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Alayziah
Pronounced – Uh – lay – zuh
Meaning – The product of undying love.
Alayziah
To say that I was pissed, embarrassed, surprised, and even more pissed wouldn’t begin to describe how I felt when I walked into Andrew’s home last night and found him having sex on his couch – with another man. Andrew and I had been dating for about six months before he started talking about engagement and marriage. Now, I’m not going to lie, I would have married him, not because I was madly in love with him, but because he was the type of man I always dreamed of marrying. There was just… something… that was off with him, with us.
I thought that it was the fact that he wasn’t the usual bad boy that I went for. He was a musician. He spent more time getting ready than me. Hell, he knew more about fashion and trends than me, and he loved New Orleans. Now, I have nothing against New Orleans, but the part that he went to was known for drag queens and prostitutes. Even with all of that, I continued to entertain the idea of him and me.
So, he had been talking about getting married a lot lately and that kind of scared me. It caused me to fall back with my feelings for him. Eventually, I started feeling bad about it, so I went to his place last night to make up for it and that was when I found him inside another man. Yes, I said inside another man, another man – A MAN! It wasn’t the fact that he was gay that pissed me off because I slick felt like he was anyway. I just wasn’t ready to face that truth about him. We had the conversation after I found him that pissed me off.
They were getting it in on his couch. Guess they couldn’t wait until they made it to his bedroom. When I walked in and shrieked, he immediately removed himself from his boyfriend and pulled his pants up. I tried to walk out, but he grabbed my hand and almost dragged me into his bedroom. Leaning against his dresser, I watched as he paced. He didn’t owe me any lies or any explanations. I just wanted to leave and erase that sight from my brain. After what seemed like forever, he stopped pacing and stared into my eyes. He disgusted me so much I couldn’t even face him. I hated liars and I hated half-truths. I hated frauds and people who live with facades, and he knew that, but he played with me anyway.
“Alayziah,” he mumbled my name as if he would a child’s name who’d just asked a question and he didn’t want to try and explain the answer. He was acting like this was the most dreadful thing he’d ever had to do in his life. It was like he was about to tell me my dog died or some shit. “I’m sorry that you had to see that, but now that it’s out in the open, I’m glad that you did. Now that you know that I’m… into… men… I can be completely honest with you.”
“What are you talking about, Drew?” I couldn’t lie. He’d peeked my interest. What else could there possibly be that he had to come clean about?
“I chose you to be my wife because I thought that you would understand my situation. That you would be cool with me having my affairs. You help me keep up my façade and I can help you with school and your businesses. I know you want to open up a creative arts center, I can help bring in sponsors for you to do that. I think it would be a good exchange. You would never have to worry about your finances. Whatever you want I can give, but I wouldn’t be able to have sex with you while I’m… you know… with… someone… else.”
I shook my head and chuckled lightly as I crossed my left ankle over my right. “So, let me get this straight…” I started before crossing my arms across my chest. “You want to marry me… not because you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me… but because you need a fake wife? Someone who won’t tell the world about your secret? That’s all I am to you, Drew?”
“That’s not what I mean at all, Alayziah,” he mumbled as he walked towards me and tried to take me into his arms, but I pushed his cheating behind away. “I care about you deeply. More than I have ever cared about any other woman. You’re a great woman and friend. That’s why I chose you. I would love to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Do you hear yourself, Drew? Did you really think I would agree to this? Did you think that I would overlook the fact that you’ve been cheating on me? With a fucking man my nigga? A man!” I was clapping my hands together and yelling louder than I wanted to before I tried to open his door, but his hand around my forearm stopped me. “Let me go, Drew. I am not about to let you bring me out of myself. I’m trying to remain calm and respect you as a man. So, let me go, now.”
Reluctantly, he let me go and dug his hands into his pockets. I refused to shed a tear over this trifling nigga. My ego was bruised. Here I was thinking a man saw my value and wanted to commit to me because he knew that I would be his good thing, but all he wanted was a trophy.
“Don’t worry, Drew. Your secret is safe with me,” I continued in a softer tone, opening the door.
“Alayziah, please, forgive me.”
As much as I wanted to be bitter and resentful, it wasn’t even worth it. He wasn’t worth it. The combination of us wasn’t worth it. I didn’t love him. I didn’t really even want him. I just loved the idea of him and me. I loved the idea of us, together. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t sad. I was, however, terribly, terribly disappointed.
Alexander
When I walked into the writing center inside my fiancée’s church and I saw this peanut butter complexioned beauty sitting at the piano, I couldn’t help but stare. She was beautiful. I’ve never believed in love at first sight until now. Now, I loved my fiancée, Carmen, and I loved her three children. I would’ve never done anything to jeopardize my relationship with her or the relationship I had with her children as their father, but when I saw this woman sitting at the piano… she awakened something inside me that I didn’t even know was sleeping. I watched as she tried to compose a piece on the piano. I could tell that she was a beginner and that she was struggling. I was going to let her get it on her own until she sighed, grabbed her papers, and stuffed them in her purse as she tried to walk away.
I felt myself walking over to her and I couldn’t stop staring at her. Her jet-black hair flowed in a bob that brushed her shoulders. I’d never seen her smile before in the church. Honestly, she was kind of intimidating. She was about 5’1” and couldn’t have been more than one hundred and five pounds but she never smiled. Much smaller than Carmen, this beauty was the perfect size for me. She had the type of body that made me want to lift her up and just have my way with her. Shaking the thoughts of lust from my head, I grabbed
her hand lightly and turned her back to the piano. She looked at me skeptically at first, but her face softened when she realized who I was.
We’d never spoken to each other before, but I played the piano at her church every once in a while. I was a full-time musician and I was engaged to her Pastor’s daughter. I stopped by the church to pick my girl up after choir rehearsal. When I heard someone playing the piano, well, attempting to play the piano, I couldn’t help but look in and see who it was. And, I’m so glad I did. After I sat her down on the bench, I sat down as well. Taking her hands into mine, I played what I thought she was attempting to play. I must have been right because she smiled and it pissed me off. How could she rob the world of such a beautiful smile? Her high cheekbones lifted even higher and I noticed the dimple in her chin. She looked at me briefly, allowing me the opportunity to look into her deep brown eyes. Her eyes were so beautiful. They were so bright it’s like they shined, literally.
“I suck,” she said in a low voice with a smile. Her voice was so light and hypnotic. I couldn’t help but wonder how she would sound moaning in my ear. And, that smile, God, I was falling for that smile. Maybe that was why she didn’t do it often.
“How long have you been playing?” I asked, tearing my eyes away from her.
“Ummmm, I’ve only taken a few lessons. I don’t really want to play. I just… want to have guitar and piano to go with my poetry CD, and I couldn’t seem to find anyone who understood my concept of how I wanted it to sound. So, I figured I’d learn and play it myself.”
I nodded my understanding before glancing over at the paper that was sticking out of her purse. “Is that the poetry you’re working on now?”
She nodded as she pulled it out of her purse and smoothened it out. “Yeah. It’s kind of hard for me to focus on my message and my delivery and learn the piano at the same time.”
There was that smile again. That smile was going to get my ass in trouble— deep trouble.
“Why don’t you do your poem and let me see if I can vibe with you?” I offered. She looked at me with a frown on her face that caused me to chuckle.
“What?” she asked as if she didn't even realize what she was doing. “What?” she asked again.
“Your face…” I replied, staring into her eyes.
“I’m sorry. I suck at hiding my facial expressions. That’s why I walk around stone-faced.”
“Oh, so that’s why I never see you smile?”
“Yes. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I show all of my emotion on my face, good and bad.”
“I got ya. That makes sense. I thought you were going to be mean because I have never seen you smile before.”
“You’ve been watching me?”
Fuck. I was slipping. “I mean… yeah… you’re beautiful. It’s hard not to. I can’t help myself when I see you. Even when I’m sitting next to Carmen, I can’t help but stare at you. You’re beautiful.”
She blushed before looking away. “That’s right. You’re Carmen’s fiancé. I’m not mean at all. I’m probably the goofiest softhearted emotional person you’ll ever meet. It’s just I give it all or nothing in my face, my life, my relationships, that’s just how I am.”
“Right. Right. I feel you. So… let me hear what you got…”
After she inhaled deeply, she picked up the paper and began to recite her poem. It took me a while to play because she captivated me. Her voice, her face, her delivery, and her passion had a nigga craving her in the worst way. Eventually, I gathered myself and played along with her. When she saw that I knew what I was doing, it was as if she let herself go. She put the paper down and started going off the dome, closing her eyes as tears fell. It took all my strength not to stop playing and kiss her tears away.
I couldn’t help but feel connected to her like her pain was my pain, my pain was hers, and she was telling my story. I started to adlib and sing some runs as her background. I must have caught her off guard because she opened her eyes and smiled.
“You can sing,” she said, wiping her face. “You can really sing.”
I smiled. I’d been playing the piano since I was six. Now at twenty-three, I’d say I was pretty good. I’d been singing for just as long. I was blessed to be able to say I was able to do what I loved professionally.
“Thanks…” I paused because I didn’t even know her name.
“Alayziah.”
“Thanks, Alayziah. You’re quite talented yourself. I love your poem. I could feel your passion and emotion. Your voice is amazing, as well, just with you speaking. You don’t sing?”
I watched her as she rubbed her hands against her leggings. I guess I made her nervous. That was cool. For the way she had me feeling in this church, she could stand to feel some type of way too.
“Thanks, um… Alex.” She blushed before stuffing her poem into her purse. “You got me. You got my vision. You played just what I needed.”
“Yeah, I vibed with you. That’s what it’s all about— energy vibing, feeding off of each other.”
I didn’t mean to look her up and down, but I couldn’t help myself. She blushed again before pulling a piece of her hair behind her ear, giving me an even better view of that pretty face.
“I’ve been looking all over for you. You’re supposed to be picking me up and you all in here giving piano lessons.” Carmen’s voice was surprisingly annoying to me at this moment and her kids running and yelling really didn’t make the situation any better. I went from this peaceful exchange with this beautiful soul to nagging.
Sighing heavily, I looked at Carmen before returning my attention to Alayziah.
“Well, it was nice to finally meet you, Alayziah. Good luck with putting your CD together,” I said as I stood. I wanted to offer my services to her, but I figured that wasn’t the best idea.
If I was lusting after her in a church, where I knew my fiancée was, I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel inside a studio with her alone especially while she poured out her heart and soul.
“Thanks, Alex. I really appreciate your support,” she replied without looking at Carmen or me. Instead, she stood and walked out of the room, ignoring Carmen’s stare. I could tell that she was back to her stone-faced self. I felt bad. I wanted to be the one she could be her true self with, but that was over now, and as much as I loved Carmen, I knew how I was feeling was wrong and I was kind of pissed that she ruined it.
Alayziah
I posted a status on Facebook about my performance tonight and when Alex sent me a message afterward, offering to play the piano for me, I was stoked. I had been a little in my feelings when I left the church a few days ago because of my exchange with him. He was a very good-looking man, he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy, and he had to be patient and loving to accept a woman with three kids by three different baby daddies – none of which belonged to him. Now, that was love. I wanted that… not with him, of course, but with someone who was for me.
Before I had to go on stage and perform, I was all in my feelings. I was tired of performing about heartache. I wanted to write love poetry for a change. When I heard the door slowly creak open, I looked up to see Alex. He looked good without even trying. No, I didn’t want to date him. I knew he was in a committed relationship and that wasn’t how I got down, but I couldn’t lie, the nigga looked good without even trying. He had on an “i” snapback by Kendrick Lamar, a tight-fitting white tee, a pair of black sweats, and some white and black Nikes.
Oh, my God, he smiled at me genuinely and as much as I didn’t want to smile back, I did widely. Sometimes, I was insecure about my size, but the way he stared at me let me know that I didn’t have anything to worry about. I chose to wear a royal blue custom made jumpsuit. I loved getting my dresses and jumpsuits custom made because they accentuated the curves I had. The suit was so tight it looked as if it was painted on, but because of the material, it was extremely comfortable. I finished my look off with a pair of red pumps and red lip stain. I wasn’t big on makeup. Occasionally, I�
��d do a gold or brown eyeshadow to compliment my skin with some mascara but that was about it. He was staring at me so hard I was starting to get uncomfortable, so I spoke, hoping his eyes would center on mine.
“Thanks for coming, Alex. I know this is really last minute.”
“No problem. Glad I could help.” He looked me in my eyes and I was starting to wish he had continued to look at the rest of me.
“So, how much do I owe you?” I asked, grabbing my purse off the counter and walking towards him.
His face shriveled up like I offended him. “Nothing, Alayziah. I offered to help, remember?”
“Yeah, but this is what you do for a living, right?”
“Right, but I’m not charging you. If you want to repay me, why don’t you write me a piece I can perform at my reception to my wife?”
“Okay cool. Sounds like a good exchange.”
The knocking on the door cut off his reply. It was my best friend, Marcel, letting me know that they were about to introduce me.
“Thanks again, Alex. I guess it’s time.” I tried to walk to the door, but he wrapped his arm around my stomach and stopped me. Confused, I looked into his eyes and asked, “What’s up?” I hoped he hadn’t remembered that he was supposed to be somewhere else.
“Let me get your number. I’d like to stay in touch with you after this. I don’t have many friends and my schedule is pretty free because I’m a musician.”
I guess my face was saying what I was thinking because he took a step back.
“I would never do anything to jeopardize what I have with Carmen. I just want to be your friend, honestly. You seem like a really sweet and cool person and you’re incredibly beautiful and talented.”
Against my better judgment, I took his phone from his hand and entered my number. I mean… what would he want with me when he was engaged to her? This time, when I tried to walk away, he let me.
