by B. Love
“Jabari, please.”
“Fine. Fine.”
She released me and grabbed a bottle of wine and one glass before walking back over to her couch. She poured a glass and sat it on the dining room table in front of me before taking a sip from the bottle.
“Talk…” I said.
“Jabari, I like you. I really do. You’re such a good man, but you said it yourself that I’m not ready for you. At first, I didn’t agree but I do now. I don’t want to taint you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be the reason you stop being as loving and open as you are. So as much as I want to be in your life, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. You’re so good for me, but, Bari, I know I’d be bad for you.”
I nodded. It was the truth. She couldn’t appreciate my love right now, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to love on her.
“I don’t want to take away your choice like Alex did me. So, I’m telling you upfront what it is and I’m allowing you to choose whether or not you want to stick around, but I’m going to be honest with you. Right now, my heart wouldn’t be in it.”
I took the wine to the head before I said anything.
“I appreciate your honesty, Alayziah, and I’m glad that you care enough about me to put me first like this. I’m going to be here for you while you go through this with Alex, and after that, we can go our separate ways.”
“Jess is going to be so mad at me,” she said lightly as she flicked a tear from her face.
“She’ll be alright. Everybody ain’t meant to be in your life forever. Sometimes it’s just for a season. This is our season. It’s cool.”
Alayziah took my face into her hands and kissed me deeply, so deep my dick grew. I pushed her away and licked my lips.
“I can’t handle that, Al.”
Nodding she drunk a little more of the wine before laying her head on my lap. I ran my fingers through her hair as she drifted off to sleep.
Carmen
Before Alex and I became friends, I was married to a cheater. There was also the abuser and then the one that just meant me no good at all. I had children with each of them. I didn’t think any man would want me. I became known as the hoe of the church, but then, I met Alex. He was known as the joke of the church because he’d been married twice and each of his marriages failed. We became friends and he accepted me. He accepted my children and we were inseparable. Ten months into our relationship, he proposed and obviously, I said yes. Because of his past and my previous encounters with men, my father didn’t approve and he gave Alex the hardest time, but Alex didn’t give up on me or on my children until he saw Alayziah.
The day they met he changed. He said they were only friends but I knew it was more. He would talk to her all day every day. I removed her from our Facebook pages and he would add her again. We’d fight or he’d get into it with my father and he would stop talking to me and spending alone time with me. It got to the point where he didn’t want to talk to me unless it was about the kids. He didn’t want to see me unless it was with the kids, and I knew it was because of whatever it was he had with her. I told him that I didn’t want him to be friends with her anymore and he promised me that it was strictly friendship, but I knew it was more.
When he moved in with me, I thought that would keep him from talking to her but it didn’t. So I started talking to other people too. I ended up getting pregnant and honestly I knew it wasn’t Alex’s baby. We started using condoms. He told me it was because he didn’t want to conceive while we were beefing but I knew it was because he was having sex with her, but I didn’t tell him that I was having sex with anyone else or that the baby might not be his because I didn’t want to lose him. He was the best man I ever had. Call me selfish but I refused to let him go. So, he married me and things just got worse between him and my father. I ended up trying to kill myself because it was just too much, but he was home and rushed me to the hospital. I don’t know where he went but he left me and when he came back he was shut down emotionally. He probably went to her for comfort and she turned him down because we were married.
I’m sure people would wonder why I’d want a man that wanted someone else, but I wanted him. I loved him and I was going to have him. I refused to have another failed relationship. Nothing but death was going to separate us. So, since Alex wanted to divorce me, I made it possible for death to separate us. He always drank iced tea while he was on the road. I put a few Sonata sleeping pills in his last bottle of tea. By the time he made it into Tennessee he would be fast asleep. Sonata stays in your system for the shortest amount of time so I figured by the time he made it to the hospital and tests were run there would be no sign of it, but because of how bad his condition was they didn’t even run any tests to see if he was under the influence of any drugs or alcohol.
I couldn’t watch him love her and be with her. I know she thought he left her for me, but from the minute he saw her, he was no longer mine. I couldn’t handle that. How could I explain that to the church? To my following? To my friends? What was I supposed to say? That he fell for someone else? That yet again I wasn’t good enough. No. I couldn’t do that again, not for her or anyone else. I couldn’t hear my father say, “I told you so”. I couldn’t hear my mother tell me that I just need to focus on myself and my kids. So, I did what I had to do. Alex fell in love so fucking fast and he fell out just the same. I was the third woman he’d done that to, but I was going to be the last. Yes, I practically killed Alex and I didn’t regret it at all.
Alayziah
It took six months for his kidneys and liver to fail. Next, would be his lungs. His parents decided to wake him up and have a dose of the highest morphine so we could say goodbye. They went first. When it was my turn, they left the room and gave Alex and I some privacy. His swelling had gone down but he was still badly burned. I’d gotten used to it by now so I was happy to see him awake. He lifted his hand out for mine and I placed it inside, caressed his hand lightly with my thumb, stared into his eyes, trying to keep tears from falling from mine. I kissed his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, and his lips as tears fell from his eyes.
“I love you, Noelle.”
Biting my lip, I closed my eyes and let my own tears fall. “I love you too, Alex.”
“I’m sorry, baby.”
“It’s okay.”
“You were my best friend.” I removed my hand from his and took a step back and tried to compose myself. “Noelle…”
“I’m here. You are my best friend, Alex. Don’t talk in past tense.”
He smiled. “I wish I could get you pregnant.” We laughed but stopped immediately when he groaned in pain. “Come… lay next to me.”
I shook my head no adamantly as I wrapped my arms around myself. “No Alex. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What more can happen to me, baby?”
Slowly, I walked over to his bed and climbed in. I laid on my side and faced him. He stopped singing and coughed.
“Alex…”
“Sing it to me, Noelle.”
Tears were saturating my face as I sat up in the bed. That was the song we said I’d walk down the aisle to when we got married. “God Blessed our Love” by Al Green. Rubbing that part of his chest above his heart lightly, I began to sing to him as best as I could through my tears.
He smiled as he closed his eyes. “Noelle…”
“Yes, baby?” I took his hand into mine.
“God blessed our love,” he whispered.
“God blessed our love. God blessed our love. He’s on our side,” I sung as his heart began to slow its pace. “Alex?” I called out.
“I’m…here…” he said.
I sung. He clutched his chest. His smile widening. He opened his mouth slightly but closed it again.
“Baby?” I asked. He said nothing as his grip on my hand loosened. “Baby? Alex? Talk to me,” I sobbed, shaking him lightly.
“It was always you, Noelle. You were my one and only. I love you,” he said as he let my hand go.
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“Alex, wait. Please! I love you. Don’t leave me!” The sound of his heart monitor flat lining filled the room. “Alex! Alex!”
To be continued…
