“I knew the dates of her trip.”
“I told her she had to make peace with you before I would see her again.”
“Because you’re all that and she’ll change her mind for you?”
Zoe spoke lightly in an effort not to let him know how much Pam’s reaction still stung. Telling herself over and over again that Pam was right to protect her son didn’t take away the hurt of having someone she considered a friend reject her. It seemed to her that middle ground wouldn’t be all that hard to find—but Pam wasn’t interested in that.
“I am all that, as you put it. But that isn’t the reason she’ll change her mind. She’s a good person. She’ll figure out what she’s doing is wrong. When she does, will it be too late?”
“You mean will I hold a grudge?”
“Yes.”
“I’m less sure about her seeing my side of things than you, but yes, if she stops seeing me as the devil, I want to be friends with her.”
“Thank you.”
She smiled. “No offense, Dad, but I’m not saying that for you. I’m saying it for me. I need to be able to let go. It’s the right thing to do and best for the baby.”
“I still get to be proud of you if I want.”
She smiled. “Later I’ll finger paint some flowers and you can hang them on the refrigerator.”
“Now you mock me.”
“Only with love, I swear.”
* * *
Over the next week, Pam kept busy. She went with Filia to her appointment with the business loan specialist at the credit union. The meeting had gone well. Filia had received preliminary approval with final approval to be decided in the next few days. As all Pam had done was sit quietly while Filia spoke, she knew she couldn’t take credit for anything except providing moral support. Still, Filia was thrilled and Pam couldn’t wait to be there for the grand opening of her expansion.
Pam tended her container garden, texting pictures of her thriving bush monkey flower to Ron at the nursery. His quick reply of, I’ll never doubt you again should have been satisfying, but wasn’t. Mostly because she couldn’t seem to settle in her life. Or maybe her skin.
It was all Steven’s fault, she thought as she drove to her daughter’s house. Or Zoe’s. It was the two of them together. Whatever had she been thinking when she’d set them up? From what Pam could glean, the two were as close as ever. Which meant Steven hadn’t taken her advice. He also wasn’t speaking to her. Not really. Oh, sure, he would respond if she texted him, but he hadn’t been by to see her since her return and they hadn’t spoken on the phone. She knew she could invite him over, but in her heart of hearts, she was terrified if she asked he would say no.
So instead she went to see Jen, who at least was still speaking to her.
Jen answered the door with a smile. “Perfect timing.” She held up her flour-covered hands. “I’m trying to knead bread and it’s not going well. Jack is thirsty. Could you get him some juice, please?”
“Of course. Or I could knead the bread for you.”
“I have to conquer it. Dough is not going to get the best of me.”
Pam and Lulu walked inside. Jack lit up when he saw them and ran over. He held out his arms and cried, “Grandma!”
Pam swept him up into her embrace. “Hello, Jack. How are you?”
“Good.” He pointed at the dog. “Ruru.”
“Close enough.” Pam walked into the kitchen. “He’s really talking.”
Jen worked the dough. “That’s the rumor,” she said, her voice resigned.
Pam sighed. “Still not to you?”
“Nope. I’m dealing with it.” She wrinkled her nose. “My counselor says to be patient, which is good advice that’s hard to follow. Still, progress and all that.”
“You’re still seeing a counselor?”
“Uh-huh. I’ve cut back to every other week. I’m going to stay on the meds through the first few months of the school year, then see if I can cut back on them. I’m already at a low dose. Honestly, I think the meditation, getting enough water and sleep are helping just as much. Being mindful of taking care of myself.”
Pam got Jack his drink and sat with him at his small table.
“That’s great,” she said. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”
“Me, too. Plus I know the anxiety will get better as I get older. It did for you.”
Pam picked up Lulu and held her close. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Jen didn’t bother looking up from her dough. She turned it over, shrugged, then plopped it in a bowl and covered it with a dish towel. “Now you have to rise. Don’t let me down.” She washed her hands, then turned to Pam. “You know how you were so tense when we were little. Worried about every little thing. That went away as we grew. I wonder if it’s hormone based. I’ll have to look that up.”
“I wasn’t worried about everything,” Pam told her firmly.
Jen laughed. “Yeah, you were. You were always creating disaster scenarios. You still do. Like with Steven and Zoe. I understand there’s a risk, but all of life is like that. Yes, they could get a divorce and he would be heartbroken, but they could also stay together for the next eighty years.”
Pam wanted to say that they wouldn’t live that long, but she was too busy processing what her daughter had said. No, what her daughter thought of her.
“You think I was a nervous mother?”
“Oh, Mom, don’t. We all have our thing. Yours was keeping us safe. You were worried and that was nice. We knew you cared. I’m a lot like you. I worry, too. It’s just you could manage yours on your own and I needed help.”
Pam had the sense that her daughter was trying to make her feel better, which wasn’t working at all. She still couldn’t believe how Jen viewed her. It was so different from how she saw herself.
“I have a very full life.”
“I know you do. You really took care of yourself after Dad died. We wondered how you would go on and you impressed all of us. The way you help women in business and travel with your friends? I want to be like that someday.”
Jen sat on the floor next to Jack. “Hi, sweetie.”
He grinned at her.
“Are you drinking water?” she asked.
Jack nodded.
“Can you say water?”
Jack just laughed.
Jen sighed. “One day,” she told him. “One day you’ll talk to me and you won’t stop, right?”
He giggled.
She patted her lap and Lulu jumped onto it. Jen stroked her. “About your dog,” she said. Lulu looked at her. Jen rubbed the side of her face. “Yes, I’m talking about you, little girl.” She looked back at Pam. “I can keep her when you travel. If Shannon can’t.”
The entire world had gone mad, Pam thought. “You want to keep Lulu?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Do you know she’s a dog? She’ll pee and poop in the yard.”
“And I’ll make Kirk clean it up. Yes, I know, Mom. I should have offered before. Jack loves her, she’s a good girl and I’m sure there will be times when Shannon can’t deal with her around. I’m saying I can.”
“You’ve certainly changed.”
“I hope so. I’m trying. I’m going back to work in September. I can’t wait to be with my class again. Kirk and I are going to start trying to get pregnant again close to Christmas. With luck this time next year, I’ll be about six months along.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks. We’re happy, too. Jack is going to be a great big brother.”
They continued talking, but Pam wasn’t really paying attention. She was caught up in the sense of things changing and her having to struggle to keep up. Jen was so together now. So in charge of everything happen
ing in her life. Pam felt superfluous by comparison.
“Do you talk to your brother much?” she asked.
“Brandon?” Jen set Lulu on the floor and pulled Jack onto her lap. “Or Steven?”
“Of course Steven. I can talk to Brandon anytime I want.”
“Why can’t you talk to Steven?”
“I don’t know. He hasn’t called me.”
“Have you called him?”
I’m not the one in trouble. Words she thought but didn’t say. And the way things were changing so fast, she had a feeling Jen would disagree with her assessment.
“I’ve been busy,” Pam said defensively, not liking the sense of being in the wrong. “Besides, he’s my son.”
“And you’re his mom.” Jen’s tone was gentle. “He respects you and wants you to be happy for him. If you want to blame someone for what he’s doing, then be mad at yourself and Dad. You were the two teaching us to accept people and be understanding of what they were going through.”
Which was close to what Steven had said the last time she’d spoken to him.
“This is different.”
“It’s not.” Jen looked at her. “You know Zoe didn’t get pregnant on purpose.”
“Yes, I know. I know. Everyone keeps saying that. It doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes everything, Mom. She didn’t plan on this, didn’t expect it to happen, yet there she is, taking responsibility. She’s going to be a great mother, but she’s got to be scared. Plus, she has to deal with Chad and that’s not going to be fun. It’s a lot. You had Dad when you got pregnant with me. I was planned. You were both happy. She doesn’t have any of that. With her mom gone, I’m the only one she can ask about having a baby and it’s not like I did a great job with Jack.”
“You did an amazing job. You’re an excellent mother.”
Jen’s smile turned rueful. “Thanks, but my only child will talk to everyone but me. I’m guessing that means I don’t qualify for mother of the year.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself.”
Jen hesitated a second, drew in a breath and said softly, “Maybe you’re being too easy on yourself.”
Pam jerked her head as if she’d been slapped. She started to stand, then forced herself to stay in place. She was already fighting with Steven. Did she really want to be on the outs with Jen, too?
“I’m not a bad person,” she insisted. “I care about my children.”
“So much that you won’t accept what Steven wants. Funny how your son won’t talk to you either, Mom.”
Pam felt herself flush. She reached for Lulu and then stood. “I don’t know what to think.”
Jen rose and set Jack on his feet. “I love you, Mom. I hope you’re not mad.”
“I’m not. I’m...” She bit her lower lip. “I have no idea what I am.” A nervous mother who was alienating her children? That was so not how she saw herself. She sucked in a breath and told herself she wouldn’t cry. Not until she was home by herself. “What do you want from me?”
“For you to love me and my family, and for you to let us love you back. Oh, and get off Steven and Zoe. They need your support, your wisdom and in time, your babysitting. Let it go, Mom. Steven’s a grown man. Don’t make him choose.”
Which was what Miguel had said to her. To not make him choose. Only she understood Miguel choosing his daughter, but Steven...
Steven would choose the woman he loved, because that was what you did when you wanted to be with someone. A child was different. You always had to side with your child, but a parent was... Not disposable, she thought. A parent could be left behind.
Steven would leave her. He would choose Zoe and leave her. While he went on with his life, she would be forever out of his inner circle. She would be excluded from all that was precious to him.
The pain of that image cut through her until she thought she couldn’t breathe. It was one thing to not be speaking but if that became permanent, then what? John would be so very ashamed of her.
The truth of that slammed into her, leaving her weak. Funny how she thought of John so much and yet had never considered what he would say about Steven and Zoe. She could hear his familiar voice even now.
It’s not our decision to make, Pam. Fuss all you want, but at the end of the day, Steven’s going to do what he’s going to do. Trust him to make the right decision, then get out of the way.
The words were so clear, she glanced around to see if he was in the room with them.
“Mom? Are you okay?”
Pam nodded, then picked up Lulu. “I’m fine. I was just thinking about your father.”
“I miss Dad, too.”
“I know you do.” She drew in a breath and smiled. “For what it’s worth, you’re not disqualified from mother of the year.”
“Okay.” Jen looked confused. “What does that have to do with what we were talking about?”
“On the surface, nothing.” Pam hugged her daughter, then kissed the top of Jack’s head. “I love you both and I’ll see you soon.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. Don’t worry.”
With that, Pam left. When she got to her car, she hesitated for a second, then realized where she had to go and what she had to do.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Pam drove to the quiet neighborhood and parked in front of Zoe’s house. She picked up Lulu and went to the front door. Once there, she tried to think about what to say. When nothing came, she knew she either had to wing it or walk away, and leaving was no longer an option.
She knocked and waited, thinking about the email Zoe had sent, hoping Zoe really did wish her the best. Zoe answered a few seconds later. Her eyes widened with surprise.
“Pam. What are you doing here?”
Pam looked at her, searching for signs of the pregnancy. Her cheeks were a little fuller, but that was pretty much it. Zoe’s loose shirt didn’t hint at her growing tummy.
“I thought we should talk,” Pam admitted. “Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to say. Except maybe that I want to be the person you thought I was. Before. I want to be friends.”
Zoe didn’t look convinced. “Is this because of me or because of Steven?”
So she knew they weren’t speaking? Of course—Steven would have told her what was going on.
Pam never thought she would be one of those mothers who resented her children forming intimate connections. For a second she remembered when she’d been the one Steven had run to so she could brush away his tears and fix whatever was wrong. Those days were long gone. He was a man now, with a man’s heart. One he’d obviously given to Zoe.
“Can I say both?” she asked quietly.
Zoe smiled. “I appreciate your honesty. Come on in.”
They went out onto her patio. Pam spotted Mason sunning himself by a raised garden bed. She set her little dog down and Lulu trotted over to inspect the feline. Mason opened an eye, then closed it. Lulu glanced back at Pam, then inched closer to Mason and collapsed next to him.
“And here I was expecting drama,” Zoe admitted. “So much for dogs and cats not getting along.”
“Lulu’s pretty well socialized. It takes a lot to rattle her.”
They sat on chairs in the shade.
“How are you feeling?” Pam asked. “Any morning sickness?”
“Not really. I had a few days of reacting to different smells, but that’s gone. So far things are easy.” She held up crossed fingers. “I’m hoping it stays that way.”
“You’re through the worst of it. After about twelve weeks the hormones calm down. I always assumed they were too busy growing the baby to bother with me.”
“I like that idea.”
Pam thought about all that had happened. All the thing
s she’d said and hadn’t said directly. She decided the only way to make things right was to say all the things that had to be said.
“If you marry Steven and then get a divorce, he has no rights over the baby,” she began. “Even if he raised the child and loved him or her, he gets nothing. He has to walk away. What if it’s a little girl who adores him and he needs her in his life? What if it’s been ten years or fifteen? He’ll be destroyed.”
Zoe drew in a breath. “Chad isn’t going to sign away his rights. Steven can’t adopt the child.”
Not news, but disappointing all the same. “That’s what I worry about. Him getting hurt. Chad will always be the father.” Her mouth twisted. “I remember how excited John was when I told him I was pregnant for the first time. We went through all that together. He and I. We’d created a life. It was something we shared—would always share. Steven doesn’t have that either.”
Zoe wiped away tears. “You want me to let him go. I don’t think I can.”
Pam searched her heart before answering. The easy answer was yes, they should break up. But she’d lived long enough to understand there weren’t usually easy answers. “No, I want you to understand that however much you’ve loved your baby, I’ve loved Steven just as much, but for longer. Years and years. I look at you and see a young woman I like very much. But I’m so afraid.”
“Afraid enough to stand between us?”
“I’ve already tried that,” she admitted. “It didn’t work out well. I’ve tried to keep him safe and that’s not working either. Now I have to accept what you two want.” She angled toward Zoe. “I’m happy if you love him. It’s everything else that concerns me. I was wrong to judge you. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry I tried to convince him not to see you anymore. But I won’t apologize for worrying about Steven. It’s part of my job.”
“Because you’re his mom.”
Pam nodded. “Can we make peace with all that between us?”
Zoe’s eyes were bright with tears. “I think we should try.”
* * *
Zoe spent the afternoon researching fume-free paint and looking at furniture for babies. After Pam’s visit, there was no way she was going to get any work done. About four, she went outside and looked at her garden, at the tiny plants so recently planted. She put her hand on her belly and knew that in a few short weeks, she would feel the first stirrings of life growing inside of her.
A Million Little Things--A Novel Page 31
