by Lisa Moore
While my last trip to New Zealand was like my rebirth, this journey is more like my baptismal. I hope to be forgiven for my sins, to Victoria and her family and the hundreds of lives I directly or indirectly ruined in the first ten years after I transitioned, and from Lily for the lies and omissions I told her over the last several months of our courtship. Mostly I hope for acceptance. I long to be embraced by Lily, knowing she accepts and loves me, as the creature I am.
The trip for Lily and I was rather enjoyable. We had a chance to talk about an array of topics from music to art, politics and religion. We found we shared similar ideals in most key areas. We took turns reading passages from the various books on crystals, magic and witch craft that we obtained from Odd Ball Gifts. It was a time for easy, leisurely discussions, and frequent cuddling while Lily napped, or slept. As the last leg of our flight neared its completion, I could not help but feel slight trepidation at returning to this place that held such mixed emotions for me. I hoped I would be able to mask my feelings enough, until the right moment when I would finally share my truth with Lily.
When we finally arrived at the small inn where we would be staying, on Banks Peninsula in Little River, New Zealand, it was after 10:00am local time on Monday the 21st of December. We left a cold and snowy winter in New York and entered a lush green oasis. The weather was warm. I could see an almost instantaneous change occur to Lily’s hair, skin and overall demeanor when we stepped out into the warm magnificence of our new surroundings. Lily absently put her hair in a knot and rolled up her sleeves. She had a grin from ear to ear as she looked out at the panoramic view of the lush New Zealand country side. As the sun kissed her cheeks her skin seemed radiant and flawless.
“You look incredibly happy” I said to her as I slipped my arm around her waist. “I can’t believe I’m here. This is like a dream come true. So much of my life I have spent reading my great grandfathers journal, doing research, following leads, but to come here, halfway around the world, is just beyond exciting. Of all the places my great grandfather wrote of, this was, for me, the most mysterious and alluring place he’d ever been. I don’t know why this one place intrigued me so much, possibly because the facts of what purportedly occurred here have been a mystery for so long, or because New Zealand always seemed like such a remote and magical distant land. It does feel magical, like anything could happen here. I think if a tree suddenly bent down a branch to hand me an apple, it would seem appropriate, in surroundings such as this. Looking at the pure primeval richness of the lands makes one almost believe in the likes of Fangorn Forest and the Ents of the Tolkein books.”
I leaned in and kissed her neck and said “Looking at how incredibly delighted and radiant you are at this moment, seems pretty magical to me. We have a few hours until we meet with Victoria, how would you like to spend it? You don’t seem tired.” Lily beamed at me her beautiful, slightly crooked smile, “I am too excited to be tired, besides, like I told the others we should try to stay up late so we adjust to the time change. Try to fall into the local routine as quickly as possible. I told them to settle in to their rooms, set up their work stations and meet us for supper and a debriefing of our meeting with Victoria at 7:00pm. It is early enough if you want to try our luck at the local county clerk’s office? We can look into the history of the Thomas family, and the family of the witness. We can do some historical review in their archives.” “That sounds like a solid plan”, I replied. With that we were on our way to one of the smallest clerk’s office I have ever seen and I have seen a lot. They can come in handy when looking into potential places to live, finding areas where I can remain anonymous.
The county clerk’s office was one room in a small building that housed the local sheriff’s department and two holding cells along with offices for the department of public works, parks and recreation, and tourism. The young clerk who greeted us as we entered informed us that all records of public knowledge were housed in the basement archives. We were shown the way to the archive room and left to research the records at our leisure. The clerk informed us that the office closed at 4:00, and we were free to stay until then. He reminded us that these were public records. They were not to be removed or altered and to please carefully re-file any records we researched. We spent nearly two hours in that glorified storage closet.
We researched Victoria Thomas’ family history, the ownership of her farm, how long her family lived there before they were killed, and any relatives she had. We found the records for Jed Carpenter. He was the then nine year old witness to the massacre. He has lived on the farm near the Thomas’ place all his life. His farm and the Thomas’ land have been in his family since the region was settled. Young John Thomas and his new bride Victoria first bought a small parcel of land from the Carpenter family, after they married. They slowly, over several years, bought connecting parcels. John and Victoria had three children, John junior, Michael, and little Victoria. When they died they owned over 20 acres and the small farm house. It seemed that after they died, the Carpenter’s re-sold off all but the farm and about two acres of land. The elder Carpenter, put the land and money in trust for Victoria, and when she turned 18 she moved back home. She has stayed there her entire life. For awhile the farm was registered as a Bed and Breakfast, but several years ago it went back to resident status.
We left the stale, cramped archives room at a little before two. Coming out into the warm lushness of the late afternoon sun seemed to revive Lily. We went back to the inn and freshened up for our meeting with Victoria Thomas. At ten of three we arrived at the farm. I had thought about this moment for months. I was worried about the type of reaction seeing the farm again might trigger. But as we approached, all I could think was how quaint and charming it seemed. As we walked up the cobblestone path to the door, Lily said, “Well, here we are, the moment of truth has arrived at last.” Her words resonated in my head, the moment of truth, the moment of truth. As Lily knocked to announce our presence she gave my hand an excited squeeze. I prayed that whatever lay behind that door would lead to my salvation.
The door was opened by an oversized man in his 50’s, his frame so large it nearly took up the entire doorway. Lily introduced us. “Hello, my name is Lillian Bean and this is Maximillian VanderCreek. We are here to interview Ms. Thomas.” The giant introduced himself as Jack Carpenter. He said he was the youngest son of Jed Carpenter whom we were scheduled to meet with tomorrow at noon. Before stepping aside to let us enter, Jack, after giving us both the once over said, “You two seem at least outwardly to be of a slightly different breed then most of the side show seekers that have come knocking in the past. But all the same, I want you to know that the woman in there practically raised my brothers and sisters and I, after my mum passed. We’re family. She has seen more years than the two of you combined, I expect you will treat her with the dignity and respect she deserves.” With that Jack the giant stepped aside and ushered us into the quaint farm house.
I had braced myself for a violent flash back or an overpowering sensation of pain and guilt as I re-entered the room where the demons of my past lay waiting for me. Instead, as I looked around, all I saw was a modest home, kept impeccably clean and tidy, yet still possessing a welcoming lived in feel. The rooms were bright, and the décor tastefully done. We passed the kitchen, and living room, with its huge stone fireplace. The fireplace was the first recognizable feature from my memories. As I looked at the fire place I started to remember the lay out of the interior nearly a century ago. My memories didn’t come crashing back in a violent torrent, but slowly, in snap shots, the gore and destruction omitted. We entered the living room. Seated in a cozy arm chair, beside a low coffee table laden with tea and pastry, was a tiny old woman. Her clear, blue eyes sparkled and her long silver hair cascaded over her shoulders. As we approached, Jack the giant introduced us.
“Victoria, Ms. Lillian Bean and Mr. Maximillian VanderCreek are here to see you.” Victoria stood and walked gracef
ully over to us. She turned toward Jack and replied “Thank you Jack. Why don’t you head on over to see your father. We will be fine, and I will give you a call if I need anything.” “Very well, Ms. Bean, Mr. VanderCreek, I guess I shall see you tomorrow when you will visit with my dad. Have a pleasant evening.” Victoria said, “Jack is a good boy, he’s like a son to me. He likes to be here when I meet with researchers such as you. He worries about me.” Victoria reached out to shake Lily’s hand and said, “Lily it is so nice to finally meet you. Your letters were so interesting, all the research you have done, I feel terrible I have little to add to what you already know, but I certainly enjoy meeting new and interesting people.” Victoria turned to me, her piercing blue eyes, remarkably clear for a woman her age, looked as if she could peer into my soul. She extended her hand to shake mine. The moment my hand closed around Victoria’s I felt a feeling similar to the one when Lily and I first touched. It was not quite the electric jolt I felt with Lily, more like a tingle. It left me with the feeling of being reunited with a lost piece of myself. The feeling was subtle, but as I stared back into Victoria’s eyes, and watched them go wide and her pupils dilate, I knew she felt it too. She looked almost as if she were suddenly recognizing me, though I knew that was not possible.
Victoria spoke first. “How intriguing, Mr. VanderCreek, how did you come about getting involved in this research?” “Please, call me Max.” “Very well, Max. What is it that brought you here?” I couldn’t help but sense an underlying meaning to her question. “Well Madam” Victoria interrupted, “Please call me Victoria.” “Well Victoria, you see it was quite by accident I should find myself here before you. I had decided to take a few courses at the University, and found Professor Bean’s work extremely interesting. She had mentioned an opportunity for an independent research project and I signed up for it. It wasn’t until just a few weeks ago that I found out we would be visiting this town and you specifically.” “I would not call that an accident Max, I call it fate.”
Victoria led us to the seating area and offered us tea and pastries. She sat with her tea in her lap and looked between Lily and me and smiled. “I get a strong feeling there is more to your relationship then teacher and student.” Lily looked momentarily uncomfortable. Victoria quickly added as she looked to Lily “Please, don’t think me too forward when I say that, I am not passing judgment. It is just that the two of you seem to radiate this connectedness. I hope you don’t mind, but I like to get to know a bit about the people who come to see me. I feel I know so much about you Lily from your letters, but you Max, are a mystery. You see, as I’m sure you could imagine, people interested in my story range from the morbidly curious to the down right nutty. Of course there are some who are genuinely interested in researching the facts but I like to get a feel for the people I choose to share my life with.”
Victoria looked toward me, and with a most serious expression asked, “Do you intend to share your life with this woman?” The question took Lily by surprise. She could scarcely hide a shocked look in response to such a personal question from a virtual stranger. But I just looked Victoria directly in her piercing blue eyes and replied, “Yes. I want to share my life with Lily. My greatest desire is that she loves me for the man I am, for the rest of her life.” Victoria responded, “Very well then, we are going to need something a little stronger then tea for this discussion.”
Chapter 31
My Truth Revealed
Lily turned to me with a questioning look. I sensed the confusion she was feeling. I could almost hear her saying, “What the hell?” as she looked from me to Victoria, who was returning from the kitchen with three glasses and a bottle of Brandy. Victoria poured the amber liquid into two glasses and handed one to Lily. Lily said “What about Max?” Victoria replied, “Oh, he is welcome to it, but I don’t suppose he needs it as much as you and I will.” She toasted Lily’s glass and drank till hers was empty.
“I apologize Lily, your look of utter confusion, and possibly concern for my sanity, is written all over your face. You see I have had many people over the years, come to see me. Many had been seeking the sort of side show Jack mentioned when you arrived. I usually entertain them for a short visit and try and impart a little bit of New Zealand charm on them as my guests. They come and go and never learn much, as I have never told to anyone the truth I shall tell you tonight.”
Victoria refilled her glass and took a sip before continuing. “On August 14, 1923, my father, mother and two brothers were slaughtered. My father was found in the field along with several dozen sheep in our flock. My mother and brothers were found dead in bed. I was found abandoned, wrapped in blood soaked bed sheets completely unharmed, on the front porch of the Carpenter’s farm. Everything I just told you is of public record. Also of public record is the fact that Jed’s mother and father Mr. and Mrs. Albert Carpenter took me in and raised me as their own. That is the only real information any researcher has ever been told, until today.”
Lily stared at Victoria, waiting for her to go on. “Jed became my big brother. He had a special way with animals and nature and taught me all about sheep and farm work. He watched over me. As close as we were though, there always seemed to be a pain in his eyes when he looked at me. As I got older I thought he pitied me. That made me angry and one day I told him I didn’t need to be pitied, and stormed off from him. When I got back home he was waiting on the porch. I sat next to him and he confessed to me, what no one else ever would, he told me the true story of how my family died and how he had witnessed the attack of the sheep. I pressured him to give me the details, not of the murder, but of what he saw kill our sheep. It was the description of the killer’s eyes that made me certain there was more to my recurring dream then I had thought.” Victoria paused in her story; her gaze was penetrating as she searched my eyes.
“Jed mentioned that in the moonlight he could see a man-like creature. His eyes wide, like a mad man, their color struck him as something almost unnatural. I was young. Jed was trying to protect me, but what he didn’t know and I have never told him, or anyone else, is the story of the dream I have had all throughout my life. You will talk to Jed tomorrow. He will tell you what he saw, the recollections of a scared nine year old, clouded by nearly a century of time past. I cannot tell you what happened that day. I was just an infant, barely nine months old. But I can tell you of my dream. It only made sense to me after Jed reveled to me what he had seen, and then it took some years for me to truly accept what subconsciously I had known all along.”
Lily took a long pull of her drink and poured Victoria another shot. Victoria sipped her drink slowly, seeming to gather the courage to reveal a secret she has hidden from everyone for her entire life. She continued, “As I mentioned, since I could remember I have had a recurring dream which began long before Jed or anyone ever mentioned the true details of my families’ deaths. In my dream I first see an infant cradled in the arms of a raven haired man. Then I am the infant, and see things from the vantage point of being cradled in the man’s arms. The man of my dream has the most remarkable color eyes, not quite blue, or even grey, but a color closer to the bluish purple of a lilac or lavender.” This time as Victoria spoke, her eyes never left Lily’s and Lily seemed to hang on ever word.
“The magnificence of those eyes, still shone brightly, as tears of anguish fell from them, sprinkling my cheeks and lips. I would often wake after having the dream, with the salty taste of his tears lingering on my tongue. In this dream I reach out with one chubby finger and stroke his cheek. The man looks at me then, almost as if he has awakened from a trance. My finger slides from his cheek to his mouth, where I feel the smoothness of one of his elongated canine like fangs. I am staring into the face of a vampire.”
Lily spoke, “Oh how terrible for you to have to carry the burden of such troubling dreams all these years alone.” Victoria’s responded, “On the contrary Lily, I have felt from the first time I remember having the dream, a
deep sense of sorrow, almost pity for the raven haired man. The look in his eyes was as if he had been tortured to the point of losing himself, losing his humanity. But when my finger touches his cheek and he looks at me with those eyes, something changes. The cloud of grief and confusion lifts, almost as if they were a veil. The clarity with which he looked down on me seemed to be filled with wonder and hope.
After Jed told me the truth of what he saw I realized the raven haired man was my family’s killer. Jed’s description of a wild eyed mad man seemed so incongruous to the look of hope and humanity in the strangely beautiful eyes that peered down at me in my dream. I knew somehow they were the same person, but at the same time I knew they were not the same. The man Jed witnessed killing our sheep was a mad man, driven by a powerful force beyond his control to commit such lethal attacks on an innocent, decent family. I have thought for decades about this dream and what it tells me. I cannot be sure why, but I believe something happened as the vampire killed my family because the man in my dream, while physically the same being who presumably just wreaked such violent destruction, was not the same man.
Jed will describe the thing he saw as a vicious wild animal in the body of a human. His form was human but no trace of humanity was evident. I on the contrary, saw a man in my dream so achingly human, consumed by grief and remorse, lost from himself, from the world. Only a man deeply connected to his humanity could feel such emotion. It was as if he was brought back from the brink of a soulless existence, by what I only guess at, but he seemed to search my eyes with a look of repentance.”
