by M. Robinson
__________
I stood there.
My chest heaving.
My heart hammering.
Losing my fucking mind.
I was the beast.
She didn’t deserve any of the bullshit I just spewed or how I treated her. She was the only reason our home was becoming united again after so long.
“Goddamn, it, Bailey,” I whispered to myself, battling like hell not to open the door and allow Camila everything she craved.
Including me.
I felt it.
Our intense connection.
From the second she stepped foot into this house for her interview with Skyler, I was drawn to her…
A woman who wasn’t my wife.
I couldn’t do that to Bailey, to our marriage, to the love we shared.
I wouldn’t.
It was one of the reasons I hadn’t met Camila. On top of the several other circumstances I existed outside of this house. The walls were closing in on me, and I found it hard to catch my breath. Feeling her everywhere…
And I wasn’t just talking about the woman who would forever own my soul. The love of my life.
Beauty.
It didn’t stop me from watching Camila on video every chance I got. Seeing her bond with Journey, her struggle with Jackson, her attention to Jagger, all of it since day one. Her devotion to my kids, to this house, to their lives held me captive every day. The least I could do to show my appreciation was to buy her favorite things she casually mentioned to Journey.
I may not have physically been here for my children, but I made sure they were safe, fed, and had a roof over their heads. It was all I could manage to do. I was stuck in the past, unable to move forward or think about the future. My life had been ripped away, but my kids were always on my mind.
No matter what, they were there.
I had become a shitty fucking father, I knew this. I let down my family in unforgiveable ways for circumstances beyond my control. Abandoning my kids and home to pour everything that was left of my existence into the hospital. The one place I didn’t feel her or see her. I became the man I always promised myself I’d never be. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without seeing all the shitty foster dads staring back at me.
I was one of them.
Once I heard Camila start walking down the steps and away from our home, my chest tightened to the point of pain.
Squeezing…
Choking…
Suffocating what was left of me.
I took a step, about to open the door and allow life to run the course it was set to follow. Damning me to Hell for disrespecting my wife but giving my children what they absolutely needed.
Her.
I turned the knob just as Journey’s loud wails began resonating down the hall. Another problem I wasn’t ready to face quite yet. My feet still moved on their own one right after the other, pushing my body toward her nursery.
Skyler and Journey were the only ones who knew I came back every night after twelve-hour shifts. Checking on the kids while they were sleeping. I felt like a piece of shit every time I saw Camila sleeping in the guest bedroom with my baby girl in her arms.
Jackson was so mad at me. His father, the same one who’d always been his hero turned into one of the biggest disappointments in his life. He was acting out in ways I should have expected, though. Camila was handling it like a fucking champ. He was putting her through the ringer, and she took each and every blow. Giving it right back at him. My son needed a role model, and she was proving to be exactly that.
Jagger was withdrawing more and more into himself. My second born had always been quiet, reserved, thought shit out before he spoke. Wiser than his years. Bailey used to joke he was born an old soul, taking after me…
His father.
I couldn’t stay away from my children. I was there the only way I knew how, by watching from afar. Although neither of us deserved it, I lost count of how many times I saw Camila show Journey pictures of Bailey and myself, emphasizing we were her parents.
Journey knew me, she knew I was her daddy. I’d sit in the rocking chair that was supposed to bring us luck and watch her every night.
Anytime she was sleeping, she’d always wake up, even if it was only for a few seconds, she’d make eye contact with me and smile in her sleep haze.
There were several times she was already awake, waiting for her old man to show up.
Other than her, my sons hadn’t seen me since the day Bailey left me over eight months ago…
I stopped living.
Breathing.
Surviving without her.
Not seeing her but feeling her was worse than fucking death. Every breath I took felt as if it were my last.
How do you mend a broken heart?
How do you go on with life without your person walking next to you?
I missed her so damn much. I wish she’d come back to me, to us.
As soon as I walked into Journey’s room, she reached for me like she did most nights when she was awake. Standing against the bars of her crib.
Except I couldn’t hold her.
I couldn’t comfort her.
Our daughter.
Our baby girl.
The one we always dreamt of and prayed for.
I couldn’t be the father she needed. The one they all needed. I didn’t know who I was without my wife. Without her love, her reassurance, her smile.
I was lost in plain sight.
Journey wasn’t having it tonight, though, like she knew I’d just fired and threw out her favorite person. She was throwing a fit similar to the ones she used to have before Camila held her in her arms and made her know she was wanted.
Loved.
Adored.
Her wails got louder, blocking out all my other senses. Her cries turned into ear-piercing screams, and still I couldn’t reach for her, hold her, feel her against me.
“Baby, I’m sorry… Daddy is so sorry.” I broke down, falling to my knees. Pleading for mercy, for forgiveness, for another life where Bailey was still by my side.
With me.
Beside me.
Holding my hand.
“I never wanted this life for you, Journey. It was never supposed to be like this. Please forgive me, I need you to forgive me.”
More wails.
More screams.
More, more, more.
“God, is this what you wanted for me all along? I get it, okay? I hear you! Please I am begging you to make her stop. Please help me move on … I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t go on.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. My resolve broke, loud and fucking clear.
Sobbing.
Aching.
Fucking dying inside.
Tears ran rapidly down the sides of my face as did Journey’s. There was no end in sight.
“Please, God, just send me a sign … please, I need something to hold onto…”
And just as I wanted to give up, surrender my goddamn flag, I heard Journey cry out, “Ma! Ma! Ma!”
My heart stopped.
My stomach dropped.
The room started spinning.
I felt her. She was there with me. With us.
The woman I couldn’t for the life of me forget…
Vowing, “I’m here, Aiden, I’m here.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
The continuation of the Pierced Hearts Duet
Choosing You: May 14th
PREORDER HERE:
AMAZON
ITUNES
KOBO
NOOK
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