Mrs Millwood had to interrupt again.
‘You sound cheerful enough, it’s true. But you and I know what you’ve been through and I have to be certain that if I’m not there to keep an eye on you, you can count on people who are capable of looking out for you for the long term. And that won’t be Olive or Maddie – they’ve got quite enough on their plates by the sounds of it. And it won’t be the Colonel, of that I’m certain. Midge is very fond of you, but I can’t ask her to take you on – it wouldn’t be fair.’
‘Take me on? I’m not a project, Mrs M.’ Doubler’s mood plummeted as he tried to unpick the many pieces of information Mrs Millwood had just dripped down the phone like dirty water wrung out from a dishcloth. ‘And anyway, I want you to keep an eye on me, and I want to keep an eye on you. The way it’s always been,’ Doubler said, sulking now his disposition had been dampened.
‘Mr Doubler, that’s just not practical. Who knows how long I will be around for? I was your only reliable company up at Mirth Farm, so if I’m not there, I can’t imagine what will happen.’
‘But you are going to be here, Mrs M. When you’re right as rain. That’s what you promised.’ Doubler would have liked to stamp his foot to deliver the message with the added truculence he felt it deserved, but instead he slumped back in his chair, the fight dissipating before he’d found the energy to convincingly summon it.
‘You are, aren’t you?’ he asked in a quiet voice.
‘I’m doing my best, Mr Doubler. God only knows if that will be good enough. But I will make you a promise that I can keep. I promise you the first thing I do when I’m allowed out of this place is head on up to Mirth Farm for a spot of lunch.’
Doubler perked up, drawing himself tall in his chair again. ‘You promise?’ he said, allowing hope to creep into his voice.
‘I will promise. But I want you to do one thing for me first, with absolutely no fuss.’
‘Anything. I’ll do anything,’ he said, his mind racing ahead, already planning the meal he might prepare for a recuperating patient. Not sandwiches this time. Not sandwiches ever. ‘Fish pie,’ he muttered out loud, while meaning to keep the thought in his head.
‘Whatever I say,’ said Mrs Millwood, impatiently now.
‘Of course. Anything. I promise.’
‘I want you to speak to your children and tell them what’s on your mind. I want you to talk to Camilla and clear the air, and I want you to talk to Julian and be honest with him. No more bottling things up in that potato-filled head of yours. No more skirting round the important issues. They’re grown-ups now, so let them share some of the burden that rattles around and keeps you awake at night. You don’t need to protect them anymore – it’s time they protected you.’
‘Oh,’ said Doubler, surprised. ‘I was rather hoping the promise would be around pigs. Or chickens. I would have said yes, you know.’
‘Well, Midge will be glad to hear that, but let’s not give you any further responsibility for living things until you’ve learnt to speak your mind to your nearest and dearest.’
Doubler thought about the commitment he was being asked to make and felt a shadow of fear cross his mind as he wondered what was driving Mrs Millwood’s urgency. But she’d promised him she’d be back at Mirth Farm, hadn’t she?
‘I trust you, Mrs M. You’re right surprisingly often. It used to be that I’d turn to Mr Clarke for any help I needed, but it’s definitely you these days, Mrs M.’
‘Well, that is a turn-up for the books,’ said Mrs Millwood, laughing. ‘I’m a better friend to you than a dead potato farmer? Goodness me, I am flattered.’
Comfortable that he could ask her almost anything now, Doubler launched straight in with a troublesome thought. ‘Mrs Millwood, would you be flattered to be compared to a blackbird?’
‘Well, of course I would. Have you heard a blackbird sing?’
‘The song isn’t the issue. Anyone would be flattered to be considered as melodious as a blackbird.’ Doubler tried to organize his thoughts. ‘You’ve tasked me with clearing the air with Camilla. I don’t know where to start.’
‘Open up a dialogue, Mr Doubler. That’s all I’m suggesting. Open up a dialogue and if there are words to be said, they’ll be said. Words have a habit of being spoken.’
‘But she’ll want to speak about the past, Mrs M. And what if my memories of her childhood aren’t the same as hers? What if I’ve misremembered? Then what?’
‘In my experience, our memories rarely tally. The events are the same, but the way in which they’re recorded depend entirely on your frame of mind at the time and what you’ve done with those memories since. If every time you dig a memory out to examine it, you file it in a different place, it can soon become distorted.’
Doubler was entirely satisfied with this. It seemed very likely that a good memory might have been refiled as a painful one because of other events that had happened in between.
‘You might be right, Mrs M. Perhaps there are different ways of remembering the same things.’
And, satisfied he had Mrs Millwood’s full attention once again, he resumed his stories of Maddie, Olive and the Colonel, making absolutely certain that he didn’t skip a single detail.
Chapter 30
The following morning, Doubler sat by the phone trying to convince himself he had the courage to pick it up and dial the number he’d written out carefully in front of him. He still wore his coat and his flat cap from his morning rounds, determined to use the momentum he’d found when walking in the clear air of spring’s first promise.
Several times he picked up the receiver and then let it fall back into its cradle. He knew he had to do this for Mrs Millwood, but the confidences he’d recently shared with Maddie and Olive also replayed themselves in his head. Their tears of lonely accord solidified the thoughts planted so certainly by Mrs Millwood and it was the common ground they all shared that finally compelled him to dial the number.
‘Camilla,’ he said, as he heard her voice.
‘Dad? Is everything OK?’ his daughter asked with undisguised anxiety.
‘Yes, everything’s fine, thank you. I just thought I’d check in with you and see how you’re doing. How are the kids?’
‘Fine?’ Camilla said uncertainly.
‘And your husband. Darren? How is he?’
‘Fine?’ Camilla said.
Doubler could feel her assessment of him crackling down the wire.
Doubler paused. How was it possible that initiating a conversation with his daughter could be so very difficult? He thought of the ease with which he and Midge were able to interact. He ploughed on.
‘Thanks for the bird book, Camilla. That was a thoughtful gesture.’
‘I hope you find it useful. There were so many to choose from, it was somewhat mind-boggling. It might be a bit basic, but I can always get you something more sophisticated for your birthday if you’d like.’
‘Oh no. This one is grand. I think I will be doing well if I learn to identify half the birds in there. It should see me out, I think.’
‘I’m glad you’ve got a hobby, Dad. It’s about time. Julian’s convinced you’re going crazy up there all on your own.’
Doubler gave brief thanks in his head for the introduction of Julian into the conversation, allowing him a smooth segue. ‘I’m glad you brought up the subject of your brother, Camilla. Julian is after my car, it seems. Thinks I’d be better off with something a bit more practical. “Nippy” was his exact word, I think. He was going to do a swap and take the Land Rover off my hands, but it turns out that my old banger is worth a small fortune.’ Doubler paused to allow Camilla to digest this news. ‘That was a surprise.’
Camilla expelled an exaggerated sigh. ‘Jesus Christ, Dad. Julian wants your car precisely because it’s worth a small fortune. You do know that, don’t you?’
‘Ah,’ Doubler said thoughtfully, allowing the silence to engulf them both. He carried on bravely. ‘The thought had occurred to me, but only ver
y briefly. You think he knew what he was doing, do you?’
‘Of course he knew what he was doing! Julian is nothing if not very calculating. He’s not exactly known for his spontaneous generosity, is he?’
Doubler was shocked at the sheer speed of Camilla’s conclusion.
‘Oh,’ he said.
‘You can’t be remotely surprised, Dad. It’s not the first time he has done this sort of thing. Remember when you gave us Mum’s wedding rings? He got the wedding band. I got the engagement ring. He made me swap with him, telling me it was for sentimental reasons, and then he went and sold the solitaire immediately. The one he allowed me to have in exchange was almost worthless, apparently.’
‘Well, that sounds rather manipulative, if you ask me,’ Doubler said, wondering if this was a story he had been told and, if so, why he hadn’t retained it.
Camilla laughed down the phone. ‘That’s a bit of an understatement. I didn’t really mind. It was just nice to have something of Mum’s; I was never that fussed by the value of it. And I probably prefer wearing the band. But I didn’t much like him assuming I was too foolish to notice what he was up to.’
‘No, no, of course not.’ Doubler felt a small ripple of solidarity, which while not invited, was not altogether unpleasant. ‘Nobody does.’
Doubler continued carefully, ‘Would you mind me asking, Camilla, when you discovered his duplicity, did you have it out with him?’
‘No. And that’s not the only time he’s acted entirely selfishly. But this family is fractured enough, Dad. I don’t want to add to it. I figure that he needs to feel in control of us all and that helps him come to terms with his demons. We all have to find our own way of dealing with life, don’t we? Who am I to judge?’
‘And what would you recommend I do about this car business?’
‘I don’t know. It’s entirely up to you, Dad. Personally, I’d probably just let him do what he needs to do. He’s a very unhappy man and perhaps allowing him to think he’s got the better of us from time to time will make him feel a bit less cheated by life.’
‘You really think that? You think I should let him take my treasured car and swap it for a modern runaround?’
‘Well, no, of course not. Not if you love your car.’ Camilla bleated her response, unable to hide the anguish this conflict was creating within her.
‘What are you advising, Camilla? I’m asking for your help.’
‘But you’ve never asked for my help before, so I’m not very practised at giving it. You always give the impression you don’t need anyone’s help.’
Doubler paused and said quietly ‘Perhaps I do, but perhaps I never realised that until now.’
Camilla softened. ‘Julian is complicated. More complicated than me, I think. Me? I just don’t like confrontation. All I really want to do is keep the status quo and hold my family together.’
‘In a way that I didn’t manage to hold our family together, you mean?’ Doubler said, allowing himself to imagine what it must have been like to be the daughter left behind.
‘Oh, Dad. You did a fine job raising two teenagers, which can’t have been easy. You did your best to replace Mum, and you made sure we didn’t go without any of the basics our mother wasn’t there to give us. But perhaps somewhere along the way, in trying to be a mother to us, you weren’t always quite there as a father to Julian. Perhaps that’s what Julian missed out on.’
‘And you really believe that? You think I made him what he is today? The kind of man who would cheat his own father?’
Camilla, distraught by the offence she’d caused, backtracked immediately. ‘That sounded harsh, didn’t it? I’m sorry, Dad. No, I don’t mean that. You really did do your best.’
‘I’m certain I tried to do my best, but I’m equally prepared to admit my best was inadequate.’ Doubler thought about his son and the man he’d become. ‘But I’m not quite prepared to let Julian off the hook as easily as you are. He had a tough start in life, agreed. I wasn’t the role model he would have liked, fair enough. I disappointed him generally, granted. But does that mean we should both accept his poor behaviour? Will he go through life being a thoroughly nasty piece of work on the basis he didn’t have the perfect childhood? Shouldn’t somebody mention to him that cheating and lying is not really on?’
‘That’s your job, Dad, not mine. I’m not interested in getting involved in any of it. He’s just my brother, and he’s the only one I’ve got. And besides, I can’t remember him being any different. If you want to start giving him a bit of fatherly guidance now, that’s entirely up to you, but just don’t pick a fight at our family lunches. I’d like my children to grow up with some positive values.’
‘Like Hever Castle?’ Doubler ventured, hoping his hunch was right and that it was a positive memory for Camilla.
‘Exactly!’ Camilla exclaimed. ‘Carefree family time! Every child deserves that, don’t they? I know I made a right old fuss at the time. I thought I was too old for that sort of trip, and Julian was vile all day, wasn’t he? But I realized much later how much effort that must have been, to take us on an outing so soon after Mum had gone. I know what you were trying to do: you were trying to make sure our childhood hadn’t finished overnight, and that was a good thing to do, Dad. It can’t have been easy.’
Doubler closed his eyes and images began to filter through. Linking arms with his daughter as they walked in step across a huge expanse of lawn. Running through a maze, crouching and hiding, laughing breathlessly while waiting to pounce on Julian.
Then standing in a queue in a draughty café, dropping a tray of tea and sandwiches, biting back tears. The burn of pitying and accusatory glances from the mothers of family groups as he sat alone at the table, two plates of food untouched, Camilla and Julian having lost interest in lunch. Snippets. Nothing more than snippets. But if Camilla remembered it as carefree family time, then who was he to dispute her record?
Doubler pondered this. ‘How do you cope, Camilla? What’s your way of dealing with life? What about your demons?’
Camilla let out a shallow laugh. ‘I’ll let you know when I’ve worked it out, shall I?’ She thought about her father’s question and matched his inquisitive tone with a pragmatic response. ‘I suppose I try to create as stable an environment as I can for my own kids. I try to let them see the positive bits of my own childhood so they’ll grow up carrying the very best of Mirth Farm in their hearts before they learn the painful chapters, because there’s plenty of time for all of that.’ Her voice trailed off. Then she added, ‘I try really hard not to disappoint my husband or my children.’
‘Oh,’ said Doubler, swallowing loudly.
And then, as if reeling off a list of pre-prepared answers, ‘And I try to forgive my mum.’ She said this with surprising surefootedness, sounding to Doubler every bit like somebody who might yet come to forgive her father.
Chapter 31
The doorbell rang and Olive hurried to answer it. ‘Come in, come in,’ she said as she flung the door open, causing the Colonel to take a step backwards in alarm, treading on the toes of Derek, who stood, as usual, just behind him.
‘We are in the sitting room today. Go on through.’ Olive ushered the Colonel in and gave Derek a reassuring squeeze on his arm as he passed, which Derek found, contrary to Olive’s best intentions, somewhat threatening.
The Colonel was flustered by the relocation from kitchen to dining room, and after a series of rapid calculations, he deftly framed his retreat. He made it quite clear from his reluctant gait that he was prepared to loiter in the hallway rather than submit to any unscheduled change of venue, and to demonstrate his lack of enthusiasm for this new arrangement, he hung back while he worked out how best to take control of the situation. (Sometimes, he was thinking, irritably, it would be nice if people did what was expected of them.) Olive was behaving in a manner that was quite unlike her, and rather than trying to engage him in conversation right there, on the threshold of the sitting room, she forced him t
hrough the doorway with a playful shove. The Colonel, discombobulated by Olive’s uncharacteristic confidence, was further alarmed when, as he reluctantly entered the room, he came face to face with Mrs Mitchell, who was sitting in a comfortable chair in the corner with the newspaper folded neatly on her lap.
‘This is a surprise, Olive,’ he said over his shoulder in the general direction of Olive, who was busy hanging up Derek’s coat. The Colonel hugged his own jacket to him for fear that Olive might forcibly remove it and prolong his stay.
‘You mean Maddie? Isn’t it just lovely? I’m so enjoying the company.’
The Colonel turned his back on Maddie and dropped his voice, though not to an inaudible level. ‘You’d better not be taken in by her. This is a risky game you’re playing. She’ll be off with the donkey the minute you turn your back.’
‘I don’t think so. There’s no need, is there?’ Raising her voice, Olive directed her question towards Maddie.
‘No need for what?’ said Maddie, looking up somewhat innocently from her paper, but her eyes were twinkling and she was suppressing a smile that betrayed some sort of collusion with Olive, though neither Derek nor the Colonel was quite sure, when revealed, what shape this conspiracy might take.
‘The Colonel here thinks you’ll be running off with Percy the minute I turn my back, but he’s worrying unnecessarily, isn’t he, dear?’
‘I can see Percy whenever I wish now, which I have to say makes him considerably less appealing. But if Thomas ever does come home, at least he will know where to find us both.’ Maddie nodded her head with satisfaction and returned to her newspaper. Only a repeated light touch to her brooch betrayed any anxiety as she appeared to busy herself with the day’s news.
Mr Doubler Begins Again Page 27
