“The wide awake one. The reasonable and rational one.” I had no idea what to do with this Cable, but I knew if I couldn’t resist any of the other versions of him, there was no way I stood a chance against this one; this one made all kinds of sense and had my heart fluttering like a million butterfly wings in the middle of a whirlwind.
“Since I’m putting it all on the table, I need to tell you I’m the one who paid you for giving up your summer. It was the least I could do after everything you gave up, and the truth is, I wanted to have a part in you living out your dreams. I wasn’t sure there was going to be a spot for me in them anymore. I had no clue how long it was going to take to get myself straightened out, and I wouldn’t blame you for not waiting around.” His smile fell, and his eyes narrowed. “You definitely didn’t seem to hate having Mr. Four-Eyes walk you back from class.”
He wouldn’t blame me for not waiting around? Did he not know me at all? I’d been waiting on him since I first saw him all those years ago. The hate I knew for him was actually compassion, love, a need to protect something that wasn’t mine to protect. He made me feel for him when I was scared. My mom had hurt me in ways I would never heal from. I didn’t want him to do the same thing. Even though I was halfway across the country from where we started and stopped, my heart wouldn’t move away from him.
I left because I loved him and he told me it wasn’t possible. I ran because I wanted him more than I wanted out of Loveless. I bolted because even when I was convinced I hated him, he was still the only one I could see and the only one who really saw me.
“I don’t even know his name,” I whispered the words as he tilted his head so that it rested against the side of mine. “I don’t even know what he looks like.”
Cable snorted and tightened his hold on my hand. “He was standing right next to you, Reed. He was touching you.”
There was jealousy there, and I had to admit I didn’t mind it. “He could have been standing right in front of me, and it wouldn’t matter. You’re the only person I see. You’re the only one I feel in here.” I touched my fingers to my chest and felt my heart kick in agreement. “No one else can withstand the cold.”
He turned his head so his lips could touch my cheek. That small touch made me shiver from head to toe. “Ice is nothing more than frozen water, and you know how I feel about the water.” I felt him smile right before his lips touched the corner of my mouth. “It’s pretty much my favorite thing. I adore you, Affton. I want to learn how to love you. Show me how.”
I did everything right.
I never misstepped.
I was careful, controlled, and had all the plans.
I was focused, attentive, and driven. I’d worked my ass off to get exactly where I was.
I told myself nothing and no one was going to hold me back or slow me down. I rolled over everyone who got in my way and never looked back.
I’d never had anything handed to me or had anything come easy.
Including love. Nothing was more challenging than loving Cable James McCaffrey. I guess it was a good thing that I knew nothing would be more rewarding than learning to be loved by him.
Cable
I WAS FEELING a lot of things. It took a minute to isolate and work my way through all the different emotions, but I was doing the work, and I was grateful to have the problem of being overwhelmed. It was how I knew she was the right choice for me, even if I wasn’t the best choice for her.
I was jealous. Blindingly and obsessively so. It made me a little crazy, and I wanted to find the guy who had been walking by her side, the one who had touched her like he had the right and break all his fingers. It burned seeing her with someone who wasn’t me. It tied my guts in knots when I realized how good he looked standing next to her, how right someone else would be for her. I would have walked away, disappeared before she could catch sight of me if she had looked happy. I would have let her be if she said she cared about the guy in skinny jeans and glasses. Instead, she was back to being the way she was all those years in high school. She was flying high above him, and he was trying his best to reach her. She was still untouchable. I was the only one who weighed her down enough to touch her. When I got my hands on her, I was never letting go.
I was happy. My heart swelled and lifted as soon as her blonde head came into view. Her hair was longer and the beachy waves from the summer were gone. She had done something to tame it; the pale strands were severely straight as they hung around her face. Her golden tan was also gone, making her freckles pop on the bridge of her nose. She’d lost some weight, defying the freshman fifteen, and her face had that blank, controlled look on it she used to wear when she was dreaming of leaving Loveless. I knew some of the changes in her appearance were because of me, but I was so excited to see her, to be near her, that I let the guilt slide.
I was relieved that when our eyes met, the world still stopped. The jackass at her side didn’t matter. The months apart didn’t matter. The questions and concern radiating off her in waves didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered is how she saw me, really saw me, the same way she always had. She didn’t look through me or around me. She looked right at me and moved toward me because she couldn’t help herself. I was so thankful that our connection hadn’t been broken, that time and distance did nothing to dilute the chemistry that pulsated and pounded between us. I was elated, honestly, thrilled she agreed to talk to me and was still comfortable with me enough that she didn’t demand we do it with witnesses.
I was sad. Unhappy because she looked so sad. I hated I did that to her. Hated that I was the one who made her eyes turn that bruised color and put her back up on the pedestal where no one could reach her. I was worried she was going to tell me she’d moved on. Not necessarily from me, but from having to deal with me. I knew she cared; it was clear in her eyes and the way she fought to hold herself together. She deserved someone easier, and I wouldn’t have blamed her if she went out and found him. I was worried she’d had her fill of loving an addict, that she didn’t have any faith left. I was nervous I hadn’t done enough to prove to her that I really did want to love her and that I was worthy of being loved by her.
But then she invited me inside, gave me the time to tell her what I needed to and now I was feeling things that were much more familiar where she was concerned. I was lost in the kind of emotion and sensation I’d associated with her and the way she got under my skin from the start.
And now, here we were in this tiny apartment, and I was turned the fuck on. She looked so prim and proper on that narrow little bed. She was still stunning without even trying, and my hands were dying to slide over the ice she’d encased herself in when she had walked away from me all those months ago. She looked like the ice princess she’d always been accused of being, but I knew it wouldn’t take much to thaw her out. I’d been without her long enough. I needed to reacquaint my hands with her soft skin and my mouth with her sunny, spicy taste. I wanted to rumple her up and make her hair wild again. I wanted to break that cheap bed and remind her that she might be frosty to everyone else, but for me, she burned.
I told her we had to end, that I didn’t fit in her life, but I was wrong. What we needed to do was begin. We needed a real chance to start something without my demons and her ambitions hanging over us. We needed to see what was between us when there wasn’t a clock ticking down our time together, reminding us we were bound to go our separate ways in a matter of moments. We needed to see if we had what it took to make it work between us because it was never going to be easy. I was never going to be easy to love.
I wanted to ask if I proved myself. I wanted to know if she felt I was finally worthy of all that she was. I wanted her to tell me that she could see I was really trying for once, and I understood all my actions had consequences that affected more than just me . . . finally. But I kept quiet. She told me I had to figure out the right choice for myself and that’s what I did. I couldn’t push her because I was asking her to make the wrong choice by picking me
for the foreseeable future.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity and a half, she turned her head so that our foreheads were touching. Her lips were nothing more than a breath away from mine, and when she spoke, I swore I tasted her words and felt the brush of her eyelashes as she let her eyes drift closed.
“You don’t need to learn how to love me, Cable.” She lifted her hand and put it on the side of my face. I sighed as her thumb swept wide circles over my skin. It made me shudder, and all the other emotions that were scrambling for recognition faded behind the overwhelming amount of passion and hunger I had for this girl. “I think you have all along, in your own way. I just needed to recognize that’s what it was.”
I made a noise in my throat and clenched my fists so I didn’t grab her and throw her on the bed when the tip of her tongue darted out to touch the very center of my bottom lip. I felt that tiny touch all the way through me. It made my body tight and deflated the balloon of pressure that was in the center of my chest so I could finally breathe normally for the first time in months.
“I spent close to ninety days with you and more than ninety days without you. Gotta say I preferred the days with you, Affton. Even when I thought you were the enemy.” Little did I know she was always going to be my biggest ally. She realized I was my own worst enemy before she even knew who I really was, and she’d never been scared to fight for me and against me when I so desperately needed it.
I wrapped my fingers around her wrist and felt her pulse flutter excitedly against my fingertips. Her lips lifted into a tiny grin that I wanted to kiss permanently onto her face. “That’s okay. I preferred the days I spent with you even when I thought I hated you. I never really did. I wanted to, I believed I did, but my heart never let me. It didn’t listen and loved you anyway.”
I moved my other hand so I could grab the back of her head. I threaded my fingers through her hair and touched my lips to hers. “Thank God your heart isn’t as smart as the rest of you, Reed.”
Her grin grew into a smile, and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her. She was the light I needed to see through the dark. She was the goodness that took up all the room inside of me where the bad got to play. I would always have my demons, but this girl did her best to tame them. I did love her in my own broken way and always had. I just had to make sure that was enough to keep her.
Her lips tasted sugary and sweet. She always tasted good, but whatever this was, it wasn’t her. When I pulled my head back and smacked my lips together, she giggled a little. I lifted an eyebrow and ran my tongue over the sticky coating on my mouth. “Strawberry?”
She reached out a finger and traced the wet trail I left on my lower lip. Her eyes got heavy, and her cheeks turned that pretty pink I loved. She bit down on her lower lip and nodded. “Lip gloss. Jordan convinced me I need to make more of an effort now that I’m in college. She told me I’d been planning for this my entire life and I wasted high school refusing to fit in. She took me shopping before I left Loveless and loaded me down with stuff she insisted was necessary.” She rolled her eyes and shifted her touch to my top lip, tracing the dip and stopping at the corner of my mouth. “I almost poked my eye out trying to figure out how to draw a perfect cat eye, and my freckles look weird under all that stuff she picked out for my face. Lip gloss is as good as it gets.”
I stuck my tongue out again and this time licked the side of her thumb. “It’s enough. You don’t need any help.” I lowered the hand that was tangled in her hair to the back of her neck and pulled her down until we were facing each other on our sides on the narrow little bed. “You don’t have a lot of room to work with in here, Reed.” I tried to keep it casual, but she had to know what I was getting at. This bed was way too small for two people to sleep in and I was hoping against hope that she’d been in it alone while I was in rehab.
“I don’t need much room. It’s only me. It’s been only me all semester. I study and sleep; that’s about it.”
I covered her cheek with my palm and leaned forward so I could kiss her again. This time the sweetness didn’t surprise me, and I licked along her lips until she let me into the natural sweetness I was craving. Her familiar taste popped on my tongue and made memories explode in my head. She was everything that was right in my world, and I doubted I’d ever be able to get enough of her. I swirled my tongue against hers and let my teeth nip at her lower lip. Her hand curled around my bicep and one of her legs lifted and hooked over my hip.
I pulled away to catch my breath and told her, “The beds in rehab were narrow, too. There was only room for one, and I can’t say I minded that at all.”
She stared at me for a long moment and then asked in a small voice, “What about before you left for the program? Your bed in Port Aransas is definitely big enough for two.”
She spent enough nights tangled around me naked and sweaty to know that was true.
Of course, she wanted to know about the time I could have done my best to fuck away her importance and her memory. I’d used girls to get away from my problems for years, so I wasn’t surprised she thought she would be so easily replaced. “When I first got out of the hospital, my hand was pretty messed up. I was mad at myself. I was mad at my mom. I was mad at you. Maybe the idea of fucking around crossed my mind once or twice, but it was simply reactionary. It was the same thing as all those girls at the start of the summer, a habit I used to avoid the real issues that were tearing me apart. I got on a bunch of different meds to try and regulate the depression and anxiety. Some of them really messed me up. I could hardly function, and the last thing I wanted to think about was sex. When I finally found a combo that worked for me, it was easy to understand that if I wasted my time on sex with someone who wasn’t you, then I would never have a shot at ever having sex with the only person I really wanted to again. Those consequences to my actions were crystal clear, and the thought of never having you under me or over me again just because I was blindly doing what I have always done was enough to make me rethink some of those bad choices I’m so well known for.”
She studied me for a second while she tried to figure out how much truth was in my statement. She must have decided to believe me because when our lips met again, she was kissing me. It was her tongue teasing mine and her teeth doing the biting and tugging. She put her hands under my jacket on my shoulders and started to push the fabric down my arms. I couldn’t help her get the heavy fabric out of the way fast enough. I also managed to get my hands under the bottom of the bulky sweater she was wearing and tugged it up over her head. Her hair floated around her face in a silky slide as she shook the static out of it. We faced each other, breathing heavy, back in this place we both knew so well, but now we weren’t visiting. We were staying here permanently . . . together.
She got her hands under my t-shirt and started to work the cotton up my torso. She sighed when she uncovered my abs and let out a little groan when she reached my tattooed shoulders. I grabbed the back of the collar and yanked the thing over my head. I grabbed her hips and rolled so I was on my back and she was straddling my waist. Her leggings did nothing to keep the heat and hardness of my erection from pressing right against her center. Her eyes widened, and her breath hitched. She put her hands on the center of my chest and leaned forward so her hair surrounded our faces. Her lapis eyes were intense with a vast array of emotion, some I couldn’t identify because they were too big and too bold to name. I was surprised she had enough composure left to ask, “What happens next, Cable?”
I laughed and lifted my hips up so that she bounced a little. “I know it’s been awhile, but I doubt you forgot how to do this in that short amount of time. You had an amazing teacher. Those lessons had to stick.”
She made a face at me and moved one of her hands, so she was gently cupping my jaw. Her eyes bored into mine, not giving an inch, demanding I give her every ounce of my newly acquired sincerity and honesty. “You know what I mean. I wasn’t even planning on going back to Texas for break. My dad is coming here t
o see me. How are we supposed to do this when we aren’t in the same state?”
I knew by this, she didn’t mean sex. She was always better about thinking further into the future than I was. With a little grunt of exertion, I rolled her underneath me and started working on getting her out of the lacy tank top she still had on. One thing I would miss about Texas was the weather. She never had this many clothes on back home. “We aren’t going to be in separate states. You need to be here, and I need to be where you are, so I’ll be close by.”
I had her top off and was reaching behind her to pop the latch on her bra when she suddenly pushed up so that she was sitting in front of me. She tossed her bra onto the floor, and it was a real struggle to continue the conversation with her pretty tits in my face. I reached out my scarred knuckle and rubbed it over the velvety surface, pleased to see she still reacted to the smallest touch and the lightest caress.
“What do you mean you’ll be close by? What did you do, Cable?” She sounded equal parts pleased and panicked.
I decided she needed a distraction, so I stood, pulled my belt off, and went to work on getting my jeans open. The wild-eyed stare she had pointed at my face immediately dropped below my waist when I set my trapped cock free. It was pressing insistently against the thin material of my boxers, the rigid outline and plump head clearly visible. She licked her lips and started to lift a hand out to touch, but she always was too focused for her own good.
“I want you in my life, but I have to finish school. I owe it to my dad, I owe it to all those little kids who might lose their moms, and I owe it to myself. This is everything I’ve worked my whole life for and as much as I want you and this,” she pointed a finger between the two of us. “My future is not something I can give up in order to have it.”
I tossed my wallet on the bed next to her, then I took a step back so I could kick off my shoes and peel my pants the rest of the way down my legs. I heard her bite back a moan and hid my grin. While I was on my knees in front of her, I got her shoes off and pulled those stretchy, ass-hugging leggings off her deliciously long legs.
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